Cheating Girlfriend wants to get back together

[deekayhh]

Hey everyone,

 

I am going through a really complicated breakup and getting back together situation. My girlfriend (26) and I (28) have been together for about a year. We have lived together for 3 months but out of the 2 months she was not faithful to me even though she pretended to be. I thought everything was okay between us but we had some little minor unsolved issues that I disregarded because of my work life has been quite stressful and I have told her that. So, I found out that she has been cheating on me for 2 months “emotionally” which means that she has been talking to a complete stranger from a phone game and which escalated to the point where she was going to go to Canada to see him from Shanghai (I am an expat in Shanghai but from California). Eventually, we had a few rough discussions to the point he came to visit Shanghai to see her but she promised me that nothing was going to happen (physically) which in return… I ended up going to Korea & Japan to give both us some space and when I returned back to Shanghai then she told me she wants to get back with me.

 

Only problem is that I have a golden rule meaning that if she cheated on me then all contacts with this “guy” (24 yrs. old) should be cut off now but she insists that she already booked this flight ticket to Canada and she still wants enjoy a vacation to Canada because she just finished school. Also, I found out in her email that the “guy” planned out these destinations with her and she said even if she goes she won’t be staying with him and will be with her cousin which is true that her cousin does live there. Also, this guy graduated with degree on Psychology… but he will be continue his education and I just don’t see how things will work out between them two. The thing is that the guy lives in Toronto and she will be visiting Toronto and that guy booked an AirBnB for Quebec which she is going to Quebec too. I have asked her to show me the itinerary for the new place she will be staying in Quebec and she must show me proof that her cousin is with her. She will be leaving on August 10th to Canada but she wants to see me every day before the trip. She didn’t promise me that she will be only seeing him once and it could be more but she still insists that nothing will happen at all. She says that I can video call her whenever I want but realistically it’s just too hard to know for certain. I feel she will get annoyed if I am constantly paranoid (might feel like I'm interrogating) and I told her the healing process that she needs to be by my side so I can trust her again. She says at the end of the trip then the relationship between them will be cutoff.

 

Since this all happened and in my heart it’s just a constantly rollercoaster and at times I literally rock bottom because I just can’t stand the fact she still wants to go and she told me she will be seeing him for dinner. There were a few points were she said cancel my ticket and I won’t go but in the end she changes her mind when I see her. I now know for a fact she wants to go… this literally reminds me of a movie “Irrational Man”.

 

I told her I have changed to for the better because I now acknowledge all of her emotional needs that she was looking for. Could you guys please help a brother out on what to ask her or certain conditions that she needs to meet? At times, I feel like I need to go through all this to know what’s it like till the very end how it will actually come about (almost like an experiment). I appreciate any feedback and opinions. If there are any additional information you would like to know then I will definitely get back to you.

 

Thanks,

 

DK

Edited August 8, 2016 by deekayhh

[PinkPampies]

How could you possibly be ok with this smh? She's going to Canada to 'cement' her emotional affair with him or her curiosity is too great and she needs to go to see how things will be with him. How you could sit and wait, across the world, while you know she's with him? I don't know.

 

Don't be a fallback option. There are plenty of women out there.

[LD1990]

Wow. This is just sad.

 

She has absolutely zero respect for you, because she knows she wears the pants in this relationship. She had an emotional affair and then told you to leave the country while she spent time with the other man, and you actually listened. Now you're going to wait around for her while she goes on vacation with this guy? Come on.

 

You can set up all the conditions in the world, it's not going to do a thing. She had sex with this guy while he was in Shanghai, and she is definitely going to have sex with him on this trip to Canada. Yeah, they're both going to Quebec to see each other but she'll be staying with her cousin, give me a damn break.

 

Stop being a chump. Dump her ass and get your manhood back.

[sooshi]

I agree with the above poster. I believe she's really going there for this guy, in spite of what she says.

 

No more trying to set conditions. She's already in the process of cementing this emotional affair. I don't understand why she would travel so far to see him only to end the relationship afterwards. It doesn't make sense. Why doesn't it make sense? Because she's not being fully truthful. She knows what she wants. And it's not what you want. Otherwise, she would be respecting your boundaries already.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, DK. You deserve so much better than this.

[DKT3]

Her emotional needs should be met on the cold side of your front door. Any time someone cheats and refuses to cut contact they are still cheating. Since she is still cheating how can you possibly build a relationship with her?

 

It's also very naïve to think there isn't a physical relationship between the two if they are travelling across the world to be together..

 

Cut your losses and run, count yourself lucky that there isn't a marriage and kids. RUN RUN RUN RUN and don't look back

[deekayhh]

Thank you everyone for your response and much respect to you all! I am ready to move on but I'll wait to see what she does in the end for experimental purposes. This is definitely a life lesson and now it really made me become a better man since this is the first time I have been cheated on. I don't think I'll hurt anymore through the outcome since I've endured this pain for over a month already and processed everything through my head. I did start meeting some people as friends but can be potentially end up being more. I do feel a bit more alive again but just wanted to be certain that if I should try to change her mind in some way. I'll let my feelings go between us

[Poutrew]

You could tell her that, for you peace of mind, when she gets back from her 'vacation' you will have scheduled a polygraph test for her to take so that you can be certain she did not cheat on you (tell her she can ask the same question of you, to prove you are not cheating on her. Fair is fair after all.). Her reaction to this will tell you all you need to know. If she gets angry, then it means she does plan on having sex with this man and the polygraph will reveal it to you. If she says to go ahead and schedule it and she will not have any problem taking it because she is not going to cheat and therefor has nothing to hide, then see if she has the same attitude after she gets back...maybe she is honestly telling you the truth and she isn't going to cheat. But, I agree with the other posters that are telling you she is already planning her romance with this guy... and that yes, she will get angry at you for 'not trusting' or trying to 'control' her via polygraph. She doesn't want you to spoil her fun...

[Densel]

Tell her she is good to go but dont ever look for you again.

 

You dont need her.

[Chi townD]

Cut her loose dude. She's going there to see this guy. Out of all the places in the world, who wants to go on vacation to Canada?! Nothing wrong with Canada, but it's hardly white sandy beaches and Palm tree's! Unless she's into the great outdoors, but she doesn't strike me as the type.

 

On top of that, you are going to be an absolute basket case while she's gone. So, do yourself a favor and cut her loose.

[sooshi]

1) She's been unfaithful to you even though she pretended to be faithful.

2) You two had a few rough discussions. Then this guy came to see her.

3) She promised that nothing was going to happen (physically). So she couldn't promise that nothing would happen emotionally, when leads to something happening physically?

4) When you returned to Shanghai, she wanted to get back together. So it's nice and easy to have something to go home to someone who offers sex and companionship, while also having a fun, forbidden affair brewing on the side.

5) She is unwilling to end contact with this guy right NOW. Why? Because she doesn't WANT to. She doesn't care enough that it's hurting you. She wants what she wants and it doesn't matter that it bothers you.

6) This guy booked a trip to Quebec and she happens to be going there too.

7) She didn't promise you that she will only see him once.

8) She insists that nothing will happen at all.

9) She says at the end of the trip the relationship will be cut off.

 

DK, she's pretended to be faithful to you in the past. Why must it be any different now? It's so blaringly obvious that she's being unfaithful to you now.

 

This trip isn't cheap. It's expensive. I can't imagine spending that kind of money on a guy I considered a friend, unless we were both truly interested in being together. I certainly wouldn't want to book such an expensive trip if we were only going to end contact after the trip ended. It doesn't make sense at all.

 

Yeah, maybe she'll stay with her cousin. But maybe not every night during her time in Quebec. Maybe not even for one night. Maybe she'll just visit the cousin, and spend the nights with the guy. In bed. Together. Far away from the boyfriend who she's been unfaithful to and continues to be unfaithful to.

 

C'mon, OP. If she really, truly valued your relationship, she would've ended all contact with this guy. It looks like she probably wants you in her life, but wants this guy in her life more. It's new, fun, exciting. She wants to have her cake and eat it. Right now, she's got you both wrapped up around her little finger.

 

You don't need her in your life. Tell her goodbye, block her, and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are a doormat, OP.

 

She knows, you know it, and her affair partner knows it, too.

 

Get rid of her. Don't wait around for "experimental purposes," whatever that means. You think you won't get any more hurt - think again. You are essentially giving her the green-light to continue cheating on you.

 

This relationship is already over.

[deekayhh]

Honestly, I have slept next to her the past 2 days but at times I feel as if she's thinking about him but denying it. She showed me a text message that she sent to him saying that she chooses to get back with me for the reasons and the reasons why not him (because of him going back to school). It's real confusing but I am actually analyzing how she reacts to my questions and looking at her emotional face expression. She always feels like I'm annoying or not in the mood for sex but when we go out in the public... she enjoys holding hands and kissing. After all, I keep telling myself that it's over and I am in the process of seeing another woman just to as friends. I feel as if it's easier to just let everything go since she has done all this. I am beginning to love this forum and thanks for the advice/support.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend, the minuet you found out about her and this other guy is when you should have swung the hammer down hard and had her end it right there or given her the bums rush out of your life but you sat and took it and now your getting ready to do the same thing again.

 

Why don't you just end it and move on and reclaim your life while you still have some of it left before she uses your feelings like toilet paper.

[deekayhh]

So, my ex-gf or gf is wanting to get back for sure. She has been very cooperative since the whole trip in Canada. She has been constantly saying "I love you or I miss you". We have been calling each other and talking constantly video calling each other morning and night. She even sent pictures of her and her cousin together. She sent me pictures of her whereabouts and tells me what she did at these destinations. She always kept saying "I promise I won't do anything stupid". She brought up how we can go to places together (get away trip) when she returns and go to Philippines to go scuba diving. I know its a drag and slow painful torture for me at least... since she is still in Toronto, Canada but 6 more days till her return.

 

Anyway, she will be going out for dinner with the significant other that she cheated on me emotionally. She said that he chose the restaurant and they are meeting at 6:30pm so I assume the dinner should end around 8:30pm and she should arrive back to her AirBnB by 9-9:30pm. What she told me is that she feels guilty for bringing him all the way to Shanghai and that she hasn't seen him once ever since then and she wants to make sure he's okay to move on so she can feel better about herself moving on with me. I know many people wouldn't go through this but if you think as a couple would want each other back then anything can happen. Wouldn't it rebuild our relationship even stronger because we understand each other more through this roller coaster? So, I want to know what do you guys think? She will video call me after the dinner when she arrives to the rented apartment. I'll keep you guys updated to share my ongoing story.

Edited August 18, 2016 by deekayhh

[kgcolonel]

nope....just nope, you have no idea of what is going on between calls and skype.....you don't know that she doesn't have him there, just out of site at the airBnB.....if she truly wanted to get back with you, she would have respected you and never would have even met up with the OM....she could have just spent the entire time with her cousin and just her cousin....at the very least, she should have had her cousin with her when she went to dinner with him...that would have sent the correct message....were it me, I'd tell her not to expect me to be here when she returns.

[DKT3]

Bottom line is she has no empathy for you or very much respect. Her being more concerned with his feelings then yours. These are red flags and honestly signs that continuing in this relationship isn't wise.

[ExpatInItaly]

Nope, still absolutely unacceptable.

 

She's going on a date. With her affair partner. It's not because she feels guilty. She wants to see him. Plain and simple. Where does she say they're going for dinner? He chose the restaurant - which one? I am from Toronto and well-acquainted with the restaurant industry there and could tell you pretty quickly what type of place they're eating at and whether she could really make it back to her B&B by 9:30 pm. What part of the city is she staying in?

 

Let's say, for argument's sake, that she is going because she feels bad - that's still a pile of horse manure, as that would mean she's prioritizing his feelings over yours.

 

I seriously can't believe how passive you are about all of this. She knows she can do whatever the hell she wants, and you'll try to find a way to swallow your feelings and just let her run the show.

 

Can you really not do any better than a woman who cheats and continues to do so with your knowledge?

[deekayhh]

She only told me that she will be having oysters for dinner. Nothing more and I have all of her itinerary but not for 8/18-21 but she said its by Lake Toronto. She said she'll video call me to show me the place... I'll ask for the AirBnB but if she can't provide it then i'll end it right there and then. I don't know but what would you say to her to make it clear in her head to understand? Guess I am just a sorry person to think what she says is true... only to fool myself?

[Gr8fuln2020]

She only told me that she will be having oysters for dinner. Nothing more and I have all of her itinerary but not for 8/18-21 but she said its by Lake Toronto. She said she'll video call me to show me the place... I'll ask for the AirBnB but if she can't provide it then i'll end it right there and then. I don't know but what would you say to her to make it clear in her head to understand? Guess I am just a sorry person to think what she says is true... only to fool myself?

 

deekyahh....NO. NO. NO. I'm not going to mention the obvious, but think about how she's NOW manipulating and bamboozling this other guy (if true, she's leaving him]. Dude, she is NOT a nice person and is fully capable of turning on you in a moments notice like she is on that other guy.

[deekayhh]

Thanks for the replies and I just realized I am the fool once again for believing... I've heard enough from everyone to conclude myself to end this all. Thank you all.. I'll have to learn how to heal my pain and move on. This is just sad...

[kgcolonel]

I feel bad for you and have been in similar situations as you.....hang in there.

[ExpatInItaly]

She only told me that she will be having oysters for dinner. Nothing more and I have all of her itinerary but not for 8/18-21 but she said its by Lake Toronto. She said she'll video call me to show me the place... I'll ask for the AirBnB but if she can't provide it then i'll end it right there and then. I don't know but what would you say to her to make it clear in her head to understand? Guess I am just a sorry person to think what she says is true... only to fool myself?

 

There is no such lake.

 

Perhaps she means Lake Ontario. But Lake Toronto? That doesn't exist.

 

You don't need to bother trying to make it clear in her head; she knows what she is doing. She just doesn't really care. And yes, you are only fooling yourself.

[sooshi]

So, she tells you that she loves you and misses you and not to worry--that she won't do anything stupid.

 

But going to this restaurant with the guy she emotionally cheated on you with (and who knows, maybe physically too), a restaurant that he chose, is showing love and respect for you? And isn't doing anything stupid? She knows it hurts you that they are spending time together, but she is doing it anyway. Because she wants to.

 

She cares more about appeasing his pain than about appeasing yours. She has shown him over you. Her words proclaim love for you, but her actions proclaim otherwise. If she really wanted him to move on, the best thing to do was to not have seen him at all. To not spend time with him. To cut the cord entirely.

 

She said that after the visit, their relationship would end. I'm sorry, OP, but that's really hard to believe. And isn't he going to Quebec too? He booked it after all.

 

She said she won't do anything "stupid." If she truly, whole-heartedly valued you and your relationship, then I think it was a stupid decision to go and visit him at all. She's already made stupid choices, and it doesn't appear that she'll stop making more stupid choices any time soon.

 

I think she knows she can do this because you've been a doormat. She can do what she wants and still have you wrapped around her finger.

 

I'm sorry you've been going through this. I'm glad you've finally mustered the courage and self-compassion to end this.

 

Take care. We're here for you.

[Ocino]

Ugh...please get rid of this girl and find someone else. She sounds extremely selfish.

[Redhead14]

Cheating Girlfriend wants to get back together -- Tell her OK but you will need access to her phone and phone bills and computer. She will need to let you know where she is at all times and report when she leaves and arrives home if you aren't around. You will need a phone call from her every hour. And, she will need to be tested for STD's.

 

Tell her, if she doesn't mind walking on eggshells for a really long time, come on home.