Is it wrong to break up with someone with Anxiety or inability to control emotions?

August 8, 2016

I have been dating my gf for a little over two years. A few months after we started dating she showed some signs of not being able to control her emotions. The first time occurred when we were a bar with some of my friends and she became very upset and starting crying on the sidewalk outside the place because I didn't want to leave yet, instead of just assertively telling me she wanted to leave. Another similar episode happened again a few months later.

She is a very sensitive person but over the past year she has had episodes of anxiety that come and go. Things came to a head a few weeks ago when she started talking to me about moving in together. I care about her but her inability to control her emotions at times is a huge reservation for me. Recently, she has started talking about all the things she has anxiety about, and it's pretty overwhelming. She sees a therapist but things have still seemingly been getting worse. I'm concerned about her but I just feel like the relationship is at an impass. I don't feel like I can imagine a lifetime of these times when she loses control of her emotions. It's frustrating and embarrassing and subsequently makes me feel guilty for feeling that way. I really don't see how the relationship can move forward, so I feel like we should break up. However, I feel so guilty for wanting a different life. Is it wrong to break up with someone because they can't control their emotions?

August 8, 2016

No, it's not wrong to want someone who's emotionally healthy. Yes, it's a bit sad for her, but you can't sacrifice your own happiness and well being for someone else.

August 8, 2016

Ive been there and that's exactly what I dd. I went to see a relationship counselor before I broke it off and she helped me to see how unhealthy it was for me.

Good luck but you have to do whats best for you.

August 8, 2016

Simple answer...NO. You are not responsible for her mental well-being. You are not the root cause of her anxieties...you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy and in a healthy relationship.

You say that this happened months after you started dating. So, she is capable of or was capable of controlling her emotions. Do you think as things got more serious, she became more insecure?

August 8, 2016

I've had to friendzone some really hot women because they drink too much alone & are prone to crying on a daily basis.

It sucks but man, it wears on you plus who the heck wants to be the guy with GF making scene when out?

August 8, 2016

I have experienced this before in the past, as the girl.

As a partner, you should be there for her when she is sad. If she has depression sometimes or anxiety, I think that you should be there to listen.

I don't think you should be responsible for her mental health, and I don't think that you should be expected to experience outlashes like that.

It is her responsbility to make sure she fully takes care of herself. Maybe her anxiety gets worse when she drinks, for example. Maybe she needs to make sure she takes her meds and keep up with her appointments. I'm not sure she's doing those things from your post.

If she is, I think you might want to sit down with and tell her your concerns. Tell her you love her dearly and that you want an ideal situation with her. But also inform her that she needs to work harder with her emotions. This will drive anyone away.

Do you love her for the most part? Is it just this thing? Remember, she can't help being born with anxiety and a more emotional personality. Everyone has their flaws! You have to figure out if it's worth it. But, she needs to be doing everything she possibly can that is within her power to make this situation as easy as possible for you, so you don't resent her.

I hope this helps, and please let me know if I misunderstood or if you disagree.

If you could please take a look at my question, I would be so grateful

http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/590627-we-spent-so-much-time-together-after-intense-1-5-years-my-bf-feeling-bored#post7006803

August 8, 2016

Since this is the internet and the internet loves cats I'll quote Grump Cat here and say "No"! I'd leave no way would I stick around with a lady that can't keep her $hit together. We're all adults we don't like something we leave.

August 8, 2016

Is it wrong to break up with someone because they can't control their emotions?

Brick, I agree with the other respondents that, no, it is not wrong. The inability to regulate one's own emotions is a hallmark of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Indeed, it is such a key feature of BPD that a large segment of the psychiatric community have been lobbying for two decades to change the name of this disorder to "Emotional Regulation Disorder."

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy).

At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question.

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid staying in a toxic relationship or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Brick.

August 8, 2016

Ive been there and that's exactly what I dd. I went to see a relationship counselor before I broke it off and she helped me to see how unhealthy it was for me.

Good luck but you have to do whats best for you.

What did you discuss with the counselor that was helpful? I actually started seeing a counselor about it due to the high amount of stress it's caused me at times.

I know she is a good person and the times she loses control don't come from a place of malice. She has always treated me great, except for these times when she seemingly has an emotional outburst. Some of the episodes seem related to anxiety but others don't necessarily. I must admit when she stopped taking oral birth control, her mood stabilized significantly.

I appreciate the responses of others as this has obviously been weighing heavily on me for some time in the back of my mind.

August 8, 2016

Have you raised the issue with her?

I mean, I have bad PMS/PMDD. I, for like the past four years have been under a lot of stress. Worst, I stopped taking some birth control and my hormones have been leveling out.

The guy I was seeing (he broke up with me about a week ago), just was stressing me out too. I mean, IMO, he'd do certain things and around me period I got upset with him and last week I really let him have it.

When we've had our discussions, he'll sorta admit that he was in the wrong, but he still says I overreact. But, I don't think he knows one ounce of the stress I'm under. I mean, he knows I have my family and am working on something, but I think he doesn't know the full extent of what I'm dealing with.

I feel that if he knew, he'd understand that this isn't "me". In other words, he's not gonna suffer this if he stays with me. And, that really, we need to talk about stuff in our RL that make misunderstandings between us.

So, IMO, if you care about her and/or seeing more of her, she has a right to know what your issues are with her conduct; and, hopefully she'll work on it and/or seek help. I wish my guy would understand me and what I'm going through. Instead, he's just like "done" with me. Oh well.

August 8, 2016

Have you raised the issue with her?

I have raised the issue with her. We have been dating 2 years. I expressed my concern that things were staying the same or worsening by seeing her therapist only. I suggested she consider trying a different type therapist or or consider medication for a period of time.

After arguing a lot for the past few weeks, we spent a couple of days apart this weekend to cool off. Now, she seems to be changing her tune and is now willing to look at other treatment options. Unfortunately, I feel like it's too little too late. I feel like she is only being serious about it because it's got to the point where I lost my patience and the relationship is at a breaking point.

August 8, 2016

Look, I'm glad she's working on it, but there's no guarantee it will get better. Tell her you are definitely not anywhere near taking the next step. If you feel you're really never going to progress with her, then get out now because she needs to concentrate on working on herself anyway. BTW the times I've known women with volatile emotions, lots of crying and/or anger, both were very messed up. One was bipolar and narcissistic and one I don't know her diagnosis, but I suspect narcissistic if not sociopathic. Men all felt like comforting her because she cried on their shoulders but she was just nuts and a jealous person and had to have her way and she ended up in prison for identify theft and credit card fraud and two of the victims were her own son and husband, but there were others. It's not good. Let her work on this herself.

August 8, 2016

I was once in your shoes. I tried to stay because 1) I always helped friends when they needed me, why cant I stay and help my partner when he needed me the most? 2) my morals didnt allow me to leave

I loved him very much but I felt unhappy at the same time. His depression made me depressed too.

Eventually, I couldnt take it any longer. I broke it off in a nice and peaceful term with him. I explained all what I went through. He understood it. It was a very sad good bye.

2 years later...

He has sought help himself and has finally made some progress in finding peace within himself.

He chose to stay single because he wants to focus on fighting his own depression first

He has become much happier and healthier than when he was with me

Life goes on for both him and me...

Looking back I'm very happy that I made an end to our relationship.

It gave him a kick to get himself with better help

It gave me an opportunity to get out from an unhappy relationship and have my positive and happy life back

Good luck & dont feel guilty about your decision.

I trust that you have tried and done your best, just like how I did. Now it's time to make the good decision for yourself and also for her.

August 10, 2016

As someone who has very anxiety, I'd say that unless your partner treats it with compassion and doesn't get freaked out by it, it isn't going to work out. Looking back at past relationships, while my anxiety did pose some difficulties I was by no means some kind of freak and the anxiety was actually magnified by the behaviour of those partners towards me. Now I have found that if I choose the right man, the anxiety disappears because I don't feel a disapproving eye on me if I happen to feel upset sometimes.

I think too many people rush to diagnose others with mental illnesses on here. Talking about my experience, I'd say that my anxiety has improved immensely and the guilt has dissipated. The guilt of everyone evaluating you is horrible but when you realise that what you feel is normal and can be managed then you start to get better. The chances of her experiencing a serious mental disorder aren't that high. It could be that it's exacerbated by alcohol but managing your intake is important too.

You must do what's best for you if you don't think it's something you can handle in a relationship (you shouldn't feel bad for being honest with yourself) but definitely treat her with compassion if you do choose to end things. Personally (I apologise if I misunderstood you) I'm picking up on a judgemental vibe. You said it's embarrassing when she gets upset. That doesn't seem like a good vibe for me, when a partner is embarrassed about you just because you are upset. It sounds like you are looking for more fun in a relationship than anything too involved.

Edited August 10, 2016 by thecrucible

August 10, 2016

As someone who has very anxiety, I'd say that unless your partner treats it with compassion and doesn't get freaked out by it, it isn't going to work out. Looking back at past relationships, while my anxiety did pose some difficulties I was by no means some kind of freak and the anxiety was actually magnified by the behaviour of those partners towards me. Now I have found that if I choose the right man, the anxiety disappears because I don't feel a disapproving eye on me if I happen to feel upset sometimes.

I think too many people rush to diagnose others with mental illnesses on here. Talking about my experience, I'd say that my anxiety has improved immensely and the guilt has dissipated. The guilt of everyone evaluating you is horrible but when you realise that what you feel is normal and can be managed then you start to get better. The chances of her experiencing a serious mental disorder aren't that high. It could be that it's exacerbated by alcohol but managing your intake is important too.

You must do what's best for you if you don't think it's something you can handle in a relationship (you shouldn't feel bad for being honest with yourself) but definitely treat her with compassion if you do choose to end things. Personally (I apologise if I misunderstood you) I'm picking up on a judgemental vibe. You said it's embarrassing when she gets upset. That doesn't seem like a good vibe for me, when a partner is embarrassed about you just because you are upset. ****It sounds like you are looking for more fun in a relationship than anything too involved.****

Well, it's not very fair to say that because the OP doesn't want to deal with someone who has extreme emotional reactions to mundane things, he's not looking for an "involved" relationship. What if instead of a girl who cries easily, he described someone who was volatile and easily angered? i don't think you'd assume OP wasn't looking for a real relationship if he wanted to get out of the latter situation.

August 10, 2016

I was once in your shoes. I tried to stay because 1) I always helped friends when they needed me, why cant I stay and help my partner when he needed me the most? 2) my morals didnt allow me to leave

I loved him very much but I felt unhappy at the same time. His depression made me depressed too.

Eventually, I couldnt take it any longer. I broke it off in a nice and peaceful term with him. I explained all what I went through. He understood it. It was a very sad good bye.

2 years later...

He has sought help himself and has finally made some progress in finding peace within himself.

He chose to stay single because he wants to focus on fighting his own depression first

He has become much happier and healthier than when he was with me

Life goes on for both him and me...

Looking back I'm very happy that I made an end to our relationship.

It gave him a kick to get himself with better help
It gave me an opportunity to get out from an unhappy relationship and have my positive and happy life back

Good luck & dont feel guilty about your decision.

I trust that you have tried and done your best, just like how I did. Now it's time to make the good decision for yourself and also for her.

I feel like this post best describes how I feel. How did you know it was time to pull the plug vs. give it more time?

August 10, 2016

.

You must do what's best for you if you don't think it's something you can handle in a relationship (you shouldn't feel bad for being honest with yourself) but definitely treat her with compassion if you do choose to end things. Personally (I apologise if I misunderstood you) I'm picking up on a judgemental vibe. You said it's embarrassing when she gets upset. That doesn't seem like a good vibe for me, when a partner is embarrassed about you just because you are upset. It sounds like you are looking for more fun in a relationship than anything too involved.

This is actually part of the problem. She always assume I mean the worst by my reactions. She gets frustrated with anxiety, so why isn't fair that I could feel frustrated by it also. She always seems to jump to thinking I'm being judge mental, but I'm really just being observational.

I'm a very patient person but even the most patient people have limits.

After not seeing her for a few days, she had spoke with a couple of her friends(who happen to have anxiety)and now seems to realize that her anxiety is out of control. It makes me very upset that she ignored my suggestions on doing something more than just "talking" with a therapist. Now she is talking about doing some breathing exercises and considering meds more seriously. Unfortunately, it just feels like too little too late. It hurts me that she ignored my suggestions for the past year and now her tune has all of a sudden changed after threatening to end the relationship.

August 10, 2016

I understand it being too little, too late. It was like that when I left my first husband. Among other problems, his anxiety issues caused him to want to hide at home all weekend and never do nice stuff. He wouldn't even come and do groceries with me or go to the movies....let alone see friends.

You asked how you know when it's time to pull the plug. You know it's time when you simply can't do it anymore. In my case, he knew that I was unhappy with the situation and had one foot out the door. One morning, he accused me of being unfair by not knowing if I should stay or go. And that was it. I made my decision then and there and left that morning. It wasn't what he'd been aiming for when he said that, but it did serve as a great kick up my rear end.

He promised all kinds of change after I left, but it was too late. I'd run out of the desire to even bother. I also didn't trust that he would change.

Last I heard, his anxiety was still very much an issue. Meanwhile, I later remarried and am really happy. I made the right choice.

August 10, 2016

as someone who has some mental health problems, im telling you that you're not a bad person for feeling out of your depth. im a believer that lots of love can really help people with anxiety, BUT you need to feel that this relationship benefits you also and that you;re not a caretaker. you deserve to be happy, and if you don't see a future then it's better to end things.

August 10, 2016

as someone who has some mental health problems, im telling you that you're not a bad person for feeling out of your depth. im a believer that lots of love can really help people with anxiety, BUT you need to feel that this relationship benefits you also and that you;re not a caretaker. you deserve to be happy, and if you don't see a future then it's better to end things.

above on repeat for emphasis....

i also have a dissociative disorder.....i write this on a the viewpoint of someone who lives with anxiety......other times im really confident....i dont need a caretaker...i have a personality that care takes...:0)...i have strategies and ways to self soothe..i have supportive family

you are right to end a relationship when you arent happy and things arent going to change for the better...sounds like incompatibility to me...its not your fault it makes you unhappy and it is not your responsibility to stay in a relationship because that person has problems....

honestly if you cant handle it...dont.....you would only end up resenting her....which would not be good for her or for you....have you ever tried counselling together or has she ever tried therapy to develop strategies to manage her anxiety....has she ever put any strategies in place....im not saying you should do therapy or counselling.... im just curious ..and seeing if you have explored any options.........either way ..i feel you should be honest with her on how you feel...and dont prolong the relationship if you feel the way you do constantly....its kinder of you to let her go....i wish you well...deb

August 10, 2016

above on repeat for emphasis....

honestly if you cant handle it...dont.....you would only end up resenting her....which would not be good for her or for you....have you ever tried counselling together or has she ever tried therapy to develop strategies to manage her anxiety....has she ever put any strategies in place....im not saying you should do therapy or counselling.... im just curious ..and seeing if you have explored any options.........either way ..i feel you should be honest with her on how you feel...and dont prolong the relationship if you feel the way you do constantly....its kinder of you to let her go....i wish you well...deb

Her therapy only appears to involve her talking about the anxiety and it's possible sources. She doesn't deploy any strategies to manage the anxiety nor has tried. Despite my encouragement to try something different and things not getting better, she hadn't been willing to try anything different.

I have seen a counselor on my own and it's made me realize the only thing I can control are my own actions. However, in this case, that seems to mean either breaking up or just hoping for the best.

I do care about her a lot. She has always treated me well. She is very considerate and sweet. I hate having these doubts about her. I wish they would just disappear:(:(

Sign In

Is it wrong to break up with someone with Anxiety or inability to control emotions?

Recommended Posts

ExposedBrick

basil67

Otter2569

Gr8fuln2020

phineas

gwendy

longjohn

Downtown

ExposedBrick

Gloria25

ExposedBrick

preraph

soyou

thecrucible

LexiB

ExposedBrick

ExposedBrick

basil67

deep_night

todreaminblue

ExposedBrick

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...