jawi2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 My girlfriend/ at one time fiancé left me about two months ago and basically had another life within a couple of weeks. Needless to say I was and still am devastated. It was a long distance relationship due to kids but I was willing to move if we were in a good place to do it as my kids are college age now. The relationship lasted almost six years. I basically feel like I got no closure so I have written her a letter. Do I send it or no? The last time I actually saw her was May 22nd. After I left about a week later she was texting me that she was done. Wouldn't even really talk to me on the phone. It's such a long story and everything still sucks. I've shut down all social media as I have no desire to see her new life. How does a person move on and do I send this letter or no? We were really great for each other for a long time. I still can't imagine anyone else being better for me than her. Thanks everyone!!
JewelD Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Depends. What are you expecting this letter to do for you? Will you be upset if she responds in a negative way? Will you be bothered if she does not respond at all? Will you continue reaching out to her afterwards? If you really don't care about those things, sure, send it. But you cared enough to write the letter so you're definitely still grieving the relationship. You move on by NO CONTACT. letters included. Dont put her on a pedestal. She can't be the best person for you if she chose not to be with you and hasn't spoken to you in months. and there are probably other things about the relationship you didn't necessarily enjoy. Just be honest with yourself and consider how your next relationship will be even better.
DramaInPajamas Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 She wouldnt talk to you and moved on with almost indecent haste. She has made no attempt to contact you. She will probably just be irritated by a letter from you. I always regretted saying things to an ex. I always wished I'd said nothing and kept my dignity. It is a mistake I wont repeat. 1
sooshi Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 It might sound like a cliché, but closure comes from within. She cannot give you closure. You can write a letter and express your deepest, innermost thoughts--but don't send it to her. You can post it here and we can provide our thoughts, or write it only for you to see. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you. I know you are hurting. She has been a big part of your life for several years. Now is the time to grieve and to heal. Focus on your recovery, and with that will come someone who wants to be with you and stay with you. Take care. 1
LostOnes05 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Read the letter to yourself and then throw it away. Don't give her the satisfaction of having this last piece of you. Keep that and let her go. She has to suffer the silence as a consequence of her actions. It gives you time to heal and realize that if she wanted you back, she would move mountains to do so. I wish you much strength and healing. But under no circumstances should you send the letter. 1
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Thank you everyone!! I'm new to this so I hope I'm doing it right. I'm actually seeing a counselor tomorrow. There were a lot of circumstances in our relationship that just felt out of my hands. It's a six year story. I know I need to let go. I just honestly don't know how. I'm thinking the counselor is probably going to tell me to write all of the letters I want but don't send them. On one hand I want her to know my true feelings because I did say some regrettable things by text. That was only because she wouldn't talk to me. I was hurt and angry!! I still am but I'm able to process my emotions better. And on the other hand I feel like I shouldn't send it because I don't know what I expect out of it. I've sent her random messages and I'm 99% sure she had me blocked on everything. And I refuse to look at social media. That's the one promise I made to myself is that I wouldn't anymore. I've seen pictures of her with her new boyfriend and of course they're burned into my brain.
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 This new boyfriend came along about 2-3 weeks after I last saw her. It all ended in such a mess. I haven't had a good night sleep in probably 2 years now
tomatome Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 From the sound of it, I doubt much good will come from sending it. Your agony will be prolonged. Post it here at Loveshack in the coping section. There is a special thread at the top for such letters. 1
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I don't get how people can do rebounds. I'm 39 years old. She's 41. At this age I know to actually try to date someone at this point would be a waste of both of our times. When I found out about her relationship, of course it was via Facebook, I talked to her friend and she said that my ex girlfriend said she'd take me back in a second if I showed up at her door ready to move to her and marry her. Stuff doesn't happen like that. We weren't at that point but I was trying to get there. I live in Minnesota and she lives in Georgia. I mean really.... I know there's less than a 1% chance out paths will ever cross again but it's taken everything out of me. We were engaged at one point.
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 And I guess my question also is what is the best way to let a person go? My mind races during the day, night, mornings are the worst!!! I'm trying not to let it affect my job and I've been able to get by but it's hard!! I have a lot going for me. This just all still shocks me that it ended the way it did. You'd think around 40 years old a relationship could end close to amicably anyways.
preraph Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 You can't expect her to give you anything that will make you feel any better. My guess is you are just looking for an excuse to contact her when you know she doesn't want you to. Don't do it. Move on and keep your dignity. Hearing more details of the many ways the person who broke up with you finds you annoying and unattractive will do NOTHING to help you move on. Go see that counselor and pour it all out. 1
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I understand. I've seen pictures of her new guy. I'm not worried about the unattractive part. Not trying to sound like a douche. There's a lot to it. Basically my ex wife got in the way and she was sick of having her dictate what role my kids could play in our relationship.
CarrieT Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I've seen pictures of her new guy. How? If it was via social media, than you need to block it 100%. If it was via mutual friends, than you need to politely ask them not to share things about her. Go ahead and write the letter. But do not send it. Closure comes from within - not by trying to make contact again with breadcrumbs... 1
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I closed all my social media. I saw it before I did that. Of course I made a comment to her about it in a message I sent her at the time and she wouldn't touch the subject when she responded.
DramaInPajamas Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 This new boyfriend came along about 2-3 weeks after I last saw her. It all ended in such a mess. I haven't had a good night sleep in probably 2 years now Um no, the new boyfriend was there before you broke up. That is how she was able to cut you off so quickly. She met him before you broke up 1
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I guess I can't say for sure but I was down there with her a week before she broke it off and he knows that. We were actually looking at houses. I just told her I couldn't move there for probably 2 years. I now realize that's when she was done. Thinking about it now I could see it in the look on her face. I just thought we'd talk about it. There was things that had to happen before I moved there. I have kids and they needed to be a part of our relationship and really weren't at the time.
Marc878 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Letters are worthless. I doubt she'll even read it
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I really don't think he was in the picture until after I left there. She wanted a family and with me she wasn't getting that. We had baggage in our relationship. Another long story. My kids weren't on board at the time. She was sick of my ex wife and I don't blame her. I'm pretty sick of her myself. My ex is always happy if I'm miserable. So she's really happy now. I don't even know how to get her out of my life. I have a lot of work to do. It's very overwhelming.
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 So basically what I'm getting here is don't send the letter and just move on?....
CarrieT Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 So basically what I'm getting here is don't send the letter and just move on?.... Yes. Ten characters.
springy Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 (edited) I really don't think he was in the picture until after I left there. She wanted a family and with me she wasn't getting that. We had baggage in our relationship. Another long story. My kids weren't on board at the time. She was sick of my ex wife and I don't blame her. I'm pretty sick of her myself. My ex is always happy if I'm miserable. So she's really happy now. I don't even know how to get her out of my life. I have a lot of work to do. It's very overwhelming. All this mess in these 6 years and nothing was resolved...6 years still several states away from each other, a meddling ex wife, kids who didn't like her and you were asking for probably another 2 years? Yeah... I'm sorry you are hurting...write but don't send. I hope you feel better soon and so glad you are seeing a counselor. Your kids are grown, how is it your ex still has so much pull? Edited August 8, 2016 by springy
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Honestly to long of a story for me to type. It started while we were both married. She was separated and I wasn't yet. I was working out of town. I didn't want to go, my wife cared about the money. I was done. I came home a month later and told her I wanted a divorce. We were married for 11 miserable years at that time. We had kids young and that's all we had. I pretty much found everything I had never had in my life in this other person and just went with it. Selfish I know.... My kids know everything and they were given a ultimatum from my ex. Either support her or have anything to do with my relationship she cuts my kids out of her life. It was bad. After six years I'm pretty much through the forgiving myself process and have said my apologies. My ex says she's not even mad anymore and realizes were better off divorced. At one point she kicked my kids out of the house after she found out she met my girlfriend at the time. I can't even believe I'm going into this much detail. They're two totally opposite people. My ex said she would always do everything to split us up including giving my kids a choice to make and she did it. That's all been going on for 2 and a half years. I get that she wanted to move on. I just never got any closure. Like I said I know I'll just have to deal with it. I don't think I'm going to send the letter. We just weren't strong enough to overcome all the obstacles. And now I'm expecting all the you got what you deserved comments.
springy Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Well it is all in the past now, and it does seem like there's way too much unresolved junk going on to sustain a healthy relationship. At this point all you can do is move forward...and don't beat yourself up over it too much. Go through the counseling, and spend a little time on your own. Get all this sorted out so it doesn't hinder your future relationships. You have to live your life too...these people are grown now. I do understand you want a relationship with your children, but you cannot live your life based off them punishing you for stuff that happened years ago. I hope you will not let them get in the way of you finding love after you get things sorted out.
Author jawi2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Springy.... Thank you for your nice comments. My relationship with my kids is pretty good now. I was never going to just up and leave them and that's really what it came down to and I wasn't going to do it. I'll never regret that. I was put in the situation to make a choice between her and my kids. I wanted for her to try to get back in my kids life and she wasn't willing. That's why I said two years. I just threw a number out there. I was never going to choose anyone over my kids. That's the only thing that keeps me going right now.
asphyxis Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Closure does come from within. My ex broke up with me and had almost moved on instantly as well. We were also in a long distance relationship. His excuses were that distance was too much, however I was moving into an official close date, kid in my case too. Prior to our break up, I was told he was crushing on some other women. The truth was right in front of your face, she left you to be with someone else. It's just the course shes taken, and it's not your place to have to deal with her anymore other than processing your emotions. Others are right, if she wanted to work things out, she would reach back out to you. She hasn't, and doesn't seem to want to. I'm sorry your stuck still. It's a terrible place to be.
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