WindWalker123 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 (edited) Hi ladies and gentlemen, I really need your help. I will try to be as unbiased as I can. I am 22 Female, my boyfriend is 21 Male. He just left me alone at a local festival today... We were suppose to attend a three-day festival. His friends/my friends and his sister are all coming to this festival. He has spent the first 2 days of the festival with his friends and sister but I really wanted to spend some alone time with him at the festival as well. I communicated this though to him before the festival and multiple times during the convention. He agreed that he would spend the last day with me. Towards the end of the second day, he told me that he has to work during the last day of the festival and can only spend 2 hours with me. I was a little bit upset with it and said we can just come back next year. He said he would cancel work to spend the day with me and I said ok, but we need to talk. On the morning of the last day, I sat him down and told him that I am really upset that he has to cancel work to spend time with me, i did not feel that i was important since i had to get a bit upset for him to cancel work. Also if he wanted to spend that with me he could have arranged the working schedule before hand and everything would have worked out. He got angry and said that why am i still acting all dramatic even after he cancelled work to spend time with me. I just told him that i wish next time he could arrange things before hand and show some willingness to be with me/planning. He got angry and said that I should take things slower and that he is going to enjoy the festival with his friend and does not wish to spend the day with me and left. I sat in the street and cried for a bit until some strangers came and helped me out. Ever since this morning he has not sent a single text or call, i tried to call him and text him towards 5pm and he is not replying. Am I overreacting or not? I am really sad about the fact that he just walked away and left me there alone and all the silent treatment of today. I don't know what to do. Please please help T-T:lmao: Edited August 7, 2016 by WindWalker123
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Over-all, I believe you both over-reacted. 1. It was clear that you were not a high priority. Telling you that he could only spend 2-hours with you of the last day of the festival seems to show that. If it was his plan to spend the third day with you, he could/would have taken off work before hand to do so. 2. BUT....after it was clear that you were not happy, he did take the whole day off to spend with you. So, you did get what you wanted (were going to get....). 3. He left you behind...over-reaction on his part. Oftentimes, we (men) are told that we dont' read between the lines, or get it....I agree. I think we are much more concrete and subtlety escapes us. Your bf saw it as...well, I did exactly what you wanted. I took off work to spend an entire day with you at the festival...what he doesn't see is that he had to make special arrangements to do so b/c he was not making you the priority as you requested beforehand and initially, he was offering a paltry 2-hours... 4
bachdude Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 He promised to spend the last day of the festival with you and he broke his promise. What was his reason for working? Did his boss say he had to come in? Does he not have enough money for rent/food? No matter what, his leaving you alone at the festival sounds extremely immature and his refusal to contact you sounds passive aggressive. Did you at least have a ride or did he completely leave you stranded? IMO, he should be apologizing profusely for breaking the date with you and understanding you would be disappointed and upset.
h0000 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Agree you are both over reacting. For you, I don't understand the constant nag from you to spend time alone with him. You can spend time with him after the festival, or before the festival, why does it have to be on the festival if he is really busy with other stuff?? And then he did cancel work for you, why were you still upset... For him, his reaction was over-the-top as well. He has no reason to be this angry. Maybe it's because he's only 21 and you cant expect a 21 yr old to be too mature and considerate. 1
Author WindWalker123 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I'm back with updates... By the way i was in a safe area and knew my way around, there was a subway i could take a buses so it's not like im on the side of the road. Finally I got a hold of him tonight and talked to him. What you said was sort of spot on, he feels that i was blaming/angry at him even though he took off work to spend time with me. That I should have just spent the day with him and talk to him about this issue later, I ruined our day together with my bad timing. (The fact that I wanted priority seems to have ran right across his head). He says I should have stopped talking when he started to get angry and all. Also I wasn't a priority because we spend enough time together already (we meet about once or twice a week for 3hours each times). He feels no remorse for leaving me alone in that place because I pissed him off in the first place. On top of that, he wanted to break up with me because I don't make him feel happy (that might explains the low priority) and I don't appreciate him. I tried to change his mind about the break up and promised that I will make him happy in the future. It took some effort but i talked him into not breaking up. This is the second time that he wanted to break up with me... I can see what I did wrong... (bad timing, ruining the day, wrong words of communicating). It's just he doesn't seem to see that leaving me alone in a public place like that was wrong either... In fact he told me he had a wonderful day with his friends and met new people (im better off without you?) to make me feel worse.... I don't feel like I am being treated as an equal on this specific matter. However all his anger seems to have been piled up from past issues that he had with me. Somehow I feel like I'm in a bad place, since he is ok living his life without me, I'm the one that isn't. I am willing to improve myself for him but I just don't feel too good. Other than this incident he has been very nice to me in general. It's just that I have never been a priority when it comes to his friends and sister. That might explain why I really wanted to spend some alone time with him. I really just want to be with a guy who is willing to communicate, he makes me feel really little everytime we argue i am always the one trying to make up and he would give me the cold shoulder...
bachdude Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I still hold to the view that he broke his promise for spending the day with you at the festival and only kept it after you got upset. Because you had to push him to keep his promise I imagine it doesn't mean the same to you. And overall, his behavior sounds very immature. And just walking away and leaving you there is pretty shi%&y and I imagine quite hurtful. He still has some apologizing to do. If the two of you would like to continue in a long term relationship, I think you are going to need to work on resolving your problems without all the drama.
h0000 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 He says I should have stopped talking when he started to get angry and all. Also I wasn't a priority because we spend enough time together already (we meet about once or twice a week for 3hours each times)... This kind of changes things. If you only spend 6 hours a week together, if 6 hours of you is enough for him, then he is just not that into you. Then I saw you say he tried to break up with you, for the second time. OP, do yourself a favour and find a better man who IS interested in you, ok? 1
Poppyolive Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 By the looks of things he has had one foot the door. That's why you weren't a priority, that's why he chose his friends over you and that's why he left you in the street. Because he knew this he is putting blame on you. I think you knew this was coming hense pushing him to spend time with you. Now that you know this you can block him and move on. You shouldn't have to fight for someone to prioritise you. You shouldn't have to deal with silent treatments. You deserve much better.
chumly Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 my suggestion would be to weigh out the pros and cons. If the majority is pros than he is a keeper. You said that everything else is good between the 2 of you so that is definitely a positive. It was not too good that he left you alone like that but as you say, at least he did not leave you on the side of the road somewhere. I guess he was just really angry... and of course when you are angry it is hard to think straight. Overall in my opinion I think you are both in the wrong and in the right. I guess the best thing to do is think things over and do as your heart says. good luck and I hope this helps.
Zapbasket Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think I can see this conflict from both your and your bf's points of view. You wanted some one-on-one time with him at the festival and he offered you a compromise: first two days with you and some friends, last day just you and him. Then a work obligation came up, and he has to break his commitment he made to you. This leaves you feeling like you're not a priority. He probably thought he offered a perfectly reasonable compromise: he has to work, but he can still spend two hours with you. When you tried to address with him how you felt like you weren't a priority, he felt resentment because in his mind he tried to meet your expectations and you're still unsatisfied. So then to avoid the discomfort of you being unhappy with him, he bows out of work, but you're feeling like the bottom line is that you just aren't important. You tried to communicate this to him and he seemed to feel you were being unreasonable and that you want more and more of his time when he's perfectly fine with how much time he's already giving you, and for him it's already a big requirement. Neither of you is wrong. This isn't even about "right" and "wrong" but rather about whether you each are getting your relationship needs met and whether your needs, ultimately, are compatible. While I see Enigma's point of view, I don't see you as "clingy." You seem perhaps to want more emotional intimacy and time spent together one on one as well as with friends than he seems to want. For your part, you have to ask yourself: can you accept the level of emotional intimacy he is comfortable with? If you can't, then you are only going to hurt yourself by staying in the relationship because ultimately, the partner who seeks less emotional intimacy will become irritated and overwhelmed with the partner who seeks more, and WILL ultimately leave the relationship. So take this opportunity to honestly assess whether what's on offer is enough for you, and if it's not (you have to be REALLY honest here because it's easy to be blinded by love and the desire to keep the person in your life and tell yourself you'd rather accept crumbs than lose the person you love), the best thing you can do is take the bold step to end the relationship. Look inside yourself, then try to open up an honest dialogue with him. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 He says I should have stopped talking when he started to get angry and all.. While the immaturity of this whole thing kind of speaks for itself, the more important issue is him blaming YOU for his anger. He's a 21 year old kid. Most guys his age are going to be immature. Stop thinking you're going to improve yourself 'to get him back.' That's ludicrous. Your mistake is thinking this guy is the only one you'll ever get so you have to bend over backwards trying to get him back. In another year, you'll barely remember his name. That's a promise. 2
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 he makes me feel really little everytime we argue i am always the one trying to make up and he would give me the cold shoulder... He is not the man for you. Dating should be fun and easy, this is not fun and easy for you. He doesn't meet your needs and you are low priority to him. Add to that he seems to get angry with you, makes you feel little, and keeps wanting to break up, so I guess he ain't too happy either. Find someone else, you are attempting to fit a square peg into a round hole and that never works. You could hang on in there, but what is the point? 1
Kamille Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 If it's the second time he wants to break up with you, let him. Good relationships are easier than this. You don't have to fight to be a priority, don't have to remind someone constantly that you would like to spend time alone. Don't waste your time trying to prove yourself to someone who has one foot out the door. Don't waste your time with someone you have to convince to stick around. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Yup. Your most recent posts compel me to change my perception of your bf some. He sounds like a classic emotional manipulator or one in the making. He knows how much you like him and so he uses that as leverage to get his way or avoid personal responsibility. Second time break-up threat?! Ha! There WILL be a third...fourth....etc. I would have let him go after he left you at the festival like he did.
Toodaloo Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 On top of that, he wanted to break up with me because I don't make him feel happy (that might explains the low priority) and I don't appreciate him. I tried to change his mind about the break up and promised that I will make him happy in the future. It took some effort but i talked him into not breaking up. This is the second time that he wanted to break up with me... WindWalker. This guy does not want to be with you. He feels bad when he is around you. Congratulations. You are now dating a guy who feels like he is stuck with you and can't get rid of you. He will try to break up with you again and he will continue to place you low down on his priority list because dating you has become one almighty drag for him. He has told you this. You are not listening. he told me he had a wonderful day with his friends and met new people (im better off without you?) This was not said to hurt you. This was said because it is how he feels. He enjoys his time with out you more than the time with you. I am afraid you have become nothing more than a chore to him. He may as well be hoovering the house or doing the washing up. Somehow I feel like I'm in a bad place, since he is ok living his life without me, I'm the one that isn't. I am willing to improve myself for him this is what needs to change. How about improving yourself for yourself instead of him? how about starting to respect yourself more. Women who respect themselves and know their value are highly valued by men. They are the ones that men bend over backwards to stay with. I really just want to be with a guy who is willing to communicate, he makes me feel really little everytime we argue i am always the one trying to make up and he would give me the cold shoulder... This is not that man. Let him go. He is not going to change. What I have said may sound harsh to you and very mean but that is how it is. I have been where you are and trust me when I say that the best thing you can do right now is go off and do your own thing with out him. Go and see your friends, go get your nails done and your hair cut. Quit hanging on to him like he is the be all and end all, because believe you me, he isn't. Been there and done what you have done. Ended up exactly the same way. Learn how to cope on your own with out him. Neediness and constantly stifling someone is NOT attractive at all. Its just a drag. 2
BluEyeL Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think you were acting crazy. Him leaving you is also bad but in the scenario I think you were more to blame. Too much drama you created there.
Emilia Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Meh you are both 21-22. You both need to learn and pretty much everyone here is posting from the perspective of people in their 30s and 40s. It's bumpy because it's what it's like at that age. OP, see how it goes, be prepared that this relationship won't last the distance. You are both immature.
Kamille Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Meh you are both 21-22. You both need to learn and pretty much everyone here is posting from the perspective of people in their 30s and 40s. It's bumpy because it's what it's like at that age. OP, see how it goes, be prepared that this relationship won't last the distance. You are both immature. Hi E! I feel like I wasted my 20s trying to convince guys to be into me. And look at me, 40 and single! I don't mind it, but I wouldn't wish the same for the OP. My advice: don't try to convince someone to be with you when they're not that interest. Let them go and if they come back to you, great. Otherwise, move on. There's plenty of single men around in your early 20s. It gets trickier later in life. 1
Omei Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 (edited) If I were your boyfriend, I would have broken off our relationship because of your actions at this festival. Your boyfriend wants to spend time with you, or else he would not go to the festival with you to begin with. You don't feel special enough, so he has to ditch everyone else on the last day of the festival to accommodate you. He agrees, but then work comes up. I don't know what kind of job he has, but when work comes up, a man should step up. That's how we become successful. He was still able to work it out so that you got some alone time together, but you still don't feel special enough, so he has to call work and tell them he can't make it after all. You still don't feel special enough. I think you have some self esteem issues or something that you need to work on, because the clingyness you are displaying is just too much, IMO. Many men would want to walk away from you completely. Yep this is how I felt when I read your post why can't you feel like his girl in a group? Honestly a festival is about festive fun as a gathering it's not alone date time, you should consider how you look to his friends when you make him ditch everyone else for your needs. He shouldn't put his job on the line for you, he got called in these things happen you can either accept them or make it into a problem. Dude I've never even had a bf who has brought me to a festival or concert with friends and family so you're pretty lucky he considers you as apart of that group. Not surprised he left. Edited August 8, 2016 by Omei 2
Toodaloo Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Hi E! I feel like I wasted my 20s trying to convince guys to be into me. And look at me, 40 and single! I don't mind it, but I wouldn't wish the same for the OP. My advice: don't try to convince someone to be with you when they're not that interest. Let them go and if they come back to you, great. Otherwise, move on. There's plenty of single men around in your early 20s. It gets trickier later in life. Ditto... Shame they missed out but I figure their problem not mine and at least I have learnt to value myself more. 1
smackie9 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Ummm ya you both miscommunicated for sure, and there was some hasty behavior, but I agree with him you were too dramatic....you are 22 years old, you are an adult, not 15. You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself when he walked away....so I can see why he got fed up with it. The reality is, plans get changed so you need to learn how to compromise....this will happen many times in your life. You could have just called up a GF and went out clubing or find something else to do than having a tantrum in the middle of the street. 1
soyou Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Regardless of what has happened, I think the bottom line is that he wants OUT. He has attempted to break up with you twice. That says enough. If I were you, I could just simply agree to break up. If a person doenst want or desire to be with you anymore, what is the point of trying to keep him stay? 1
anika99 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think you're both acting immaturely which is understandable given your ages but I also think you are a little too needy and over dramatic. First off all who goes to a festival for alone time? I can see going a couple going off on their own for a few hours maybe to do their own thing but it's not like a festival is a private intimate date. I think he intended to spend the day with you and then he was told he was needed at work and perhaps wanting to make a good impression at his job he felt like he should go to work. When he realized you were hurt by this he picked you over his work and on the last day of the festival he showed up to spend a nice day with you only to realize it wasn't going to be a nice day at all because even though he cancelled a day of work for you, you greeted him with disappointment and a sour attitude and so what was even the point of taking off work to spend the day together? So he could spend it arguing with you? So he could spend the whole day on the receiving end of your resentment? Look I totally understand that you feel like you shouldn't have had to get upset for your bf to follow through on his promise to spend the day with you. That is understandable. Yet you told your bf how you felt and he took steps to make it right which I think deserves some credit. I mean a lot of 21yr old guys simply don't relate to girls and their feelings and their need for romance. Maybe it was wrong of him to agree to work that day but in his young male mind he didn't realize it until you pointed it out to him and when you did he made it right but now you were going to sabatoge the day anyways because he didn't get it right from the start and you were holding onto your anger over that. You are both really young and very young men usually aren't ready to be totally committed to a romantic relationship. They might be faithful but they still want their freedom and friends and fun. Very young women are often caught up in romantic fantasies of love and marriage and Prince Charming. I think men and women become more like minded as they get older. You two are not married or engaged and as you normally only see each other for a couple of hours twice a week it doesn't sound like it was a very serious relationship anyways. Consider this relationship a learning experience for relationships to come. You have both learned things in this relationship that will carry over into new relationships. Let this one go and enjoy life. Soon another guy will come along who is a better fit for you. 1
stillafool Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 WindWalker. This guy does not want to be with you. He feels bad when he is around you. Congratulations. You are now dating a guy who feels like he is stuck with you and can't get rid of you. He will try to break up with you again and he will continue to place you low down on his priority list because dating you has become one almighty drag for him. He has told you this. You are not listening. This was not said to hurt you. This was said because it is how he feels. He enjoys his time with out you more than the time with you. I am afraid you have become nothing more than a chore to him. He may as well be hoovering the house or doing the washing up. this is what needs to change. How about improving yourself for yourself instead of him? how about starting to respect yourself more. Women who respect themselves and know their value are highly valued by men. They are the ones that men bend over backwards to stay with. This is not that man. Let him go. He is not going to change. What I have said may sound harsh to you and very mean but that is how it is. I have been where you are and trust me when I say that the best thing you can do right now is go off and do your own thing with out him. Go and see your friends, go get your nails done and your hair cut. Quit hanging on to him like he is the be all and end all, because believe you me, he isn't. Been there and done what you have done. Ended up exactly the same way. Learn how to cope on your own with out him. Neediness and constantly stifling someone is NOT attractive at all. Its just a drag. THIS! I could not agree more. OP, why in the world were you sitting in the street crying? Don't do that again.
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