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Is there a difference between No Contact vs Ignoring/The Silent Treatment

Giggles666

By Giggles666
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Giggles666 Established Member

Giggles666

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I recently dated a good friend of 15+ years, she ended it mysteriously and suddenly. For 5 months there was no contact, then we made contact and it just got worse. Although worse might be relative, I realize now she was never a friend and frankly dislike her now.

 

We have mutual friends and they are saying me going back into no contact is a form of abuse, "ignoring someone is abuse and mean". They also say "you never know what the future you two may hold" to which I reply "for my own mental health I want no future with her".

 

Is there a difference between no contact and ignoring someone? I am doing no contact for my own mental well-being, and yes I flat out ignore the woman as we cross paths almost weekly. I have not uttered a word to her and she has followed my lead. Our mutual friends are about 50/50 when it comes to saying I am being a d*ck and some agree I am just doing what is best for me.

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

NC is not the same as the silent treatment. With NC, you are not speaking to the person as a means to move on. With the silent treatment, your main goal is to punish the other person. In your case, it seems that you are in NC because you want to move on, not because you are trying to punish your ex. So I would say that you are doing what is right for you, and it's not mean.

 

A lot of people come to LS and have the same question. Am I being "mean" because I stopped talking to my ex? I had that question when I came here. I thought I was being mean or immature by going NC, but that's not the case. After a relationship ends, both parties need to go NC to move on. You can't move on if you are talking to your ex. You just can't.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted

NC is long-term

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

The silent treatment or stonewalling happens within a relationship, not when it is over.

It is a form of emotional abuse and is as BC1980 says it is done to punish a person as they have somehow displeased the person doling out the silent treatment.

It is a means of withdrawing approval and that can be very painful for the "victim".

Mostly it is done to control or manipulate a person into acting "appropriately" or to test boundaries. If you will put up with the silent treatment repeatedly, you will put up with just about anything, so the abuser has control.

 

Certain personality types are prone to use the silent treatment.

 

The silent treatment is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in a marriage and if regularly engaged in, accurately predicts divorce.

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Giggles666 Established Member

Giggles666

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OK, that is what I thought. I was explaining to one of my friends I was moving on not playing games. Of course, my ex thinks I am playing games...I'm fine with whatever she wants to think.

 

Trying to appease mutual friends is something I want to do, I don't want anyone to feel the need to pick sides, to me there are no sides. I also have a friend who tells me you never know if down the line you will have a future with this woman. I explained I do not want a future with this woman, I love her and care for her but she's not good for me...hence I do not want to speak to her ever again. When the ex is around I just zone out and act indifferent, she now does the same. Ironically she was the one that told me we need to be friends then told me we could not be friends so I do not understand her idea that I am playing games.

 

IMO she was playing a game and I took control from her, I did it simply for my own well being and also to be fair to the both of us. I don't know why she even cares, she has moved on and has a new boyfriend. In 15 years I have not once crossed a line or treated her badly...now I have her and some mutual friends saying I am being mean/abusive/petty. In fact, she said hi to me and I walked away from her but I did wave. It's not like I just ignore her when we are face to face, being civil is fine. LOL I feel like I am in high school again.

 

Thanks for helping me clarify a bit. I don;t want to feel guilty, nor do I want to be a doormat. We just need to realize our longtime friendship is over. We're not friends and we're not enemies, we're just going to be strangers with memories. Sucks, but such is life.

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LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

Posted
Posted

Ignoring someone is a "form of abuse"? My god people can be overly sensitive.

 

You're doing what's best for you. If they can't understand that, it's their problem. Don't try to appease them just because they're whining. It's easy for them to tell you what you should or shouldn't do when they're not the ones going through anything.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

no contact is for healing..shouldnt be a game

 

 

...silent treatment is to destroy verbal communication..as someone said a manipulation technique....

 

i was taught in family therapy to use the silent treatment as an appropriate method to forgo abuse.....abuse to me....verbal and or escalating physical abuse....i should not respond...however i am goaded.....and sometimes i failed to remain silent..it ends badly....

....so maybe i am manipulating by not talking....and then signifying only appropriate conversation is tolerated by my silence....interactions cease including verbal.....until i am treated with respect....and not just yelled at ...but talked to listened to...and if i am angry.....and dont feel i could communicate properly and objectively with a clear head and conscience...i will say i dont want to talk now i will later....i mean that.....i just need time to process and be calm...i dont class that really as the silent treatment....

 

i do believe the misuse of the silent treatment......would cause problems in any relationship....it however has a purpose for specific situations and or people..........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

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Posted
OK, that is what I thought. I was explaining to one of my friends I was moving on not playing games. Of course, my ex thinks I am playing games...I'm fine with whatever she wants to think.

 

Trying to appease mutual friends is something I want to do, I don't want anyone to feel the need to pick sides, to me there are no sides.

 

It really doesn't matter what your ex thinks because you aren't doing this for your ex. You are doing it for you. Eventually, after enough time has passed, your ex won't care what you are doing. She will move on with her life as well. A lot of people can't stand the thought of someone having negative feelings for them or not liking them. My ex was one of those. He always talked about how he was on good terms with all his exes like it was some kind of barometer of his character. The fact is that sometimes you may piss people off or hurt them. You may not be on good terms with everyone in life, and you can't please everyone. Even if you dump someone for the right reasons and do it in a benign way, you are going to hurt the person. Trying to be friends with a person you dumped is not the appropriate way to deal with the emotional fallout and guilt you might feel after the fact.

 

You also can't please all of your friends. If people cannot understand that you need to keep a distance to heal, then I don't know what to say about that. It's common sense that you need to keep a distance from someone after a breakup. You are not doing anything malicious or mean. All that is required is a polite, civil hello or smile. You have done just that, so you are doing the right thing.

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Giggles666 Established Member

Giggles666

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Posted (edited)

//It really doesn't matter what your ex thinks because you aren't doing this for your ex. You are doing it for you. Eventually, after enough time has passed, your ex won't care what you are doing. She will move on with her life as well. A lot of people can't stand the thought of someone having negative feelings for them or not liking them. My ex was one of those. He always talked about how he was on good terms with all his exes like it was some kind of barometer of his character.//

 

Exactly I have to do this for me. We have had a long history, I met her one day over 15 years ago when she asked me out on a date. LOL beautiful older girl, I had to make sure she was asking me and not some guy standing behind me. I was 8 years younger and frankly not ready at the time, so I broke up with her and regretted it for years. I always kept that to myself, we both moved on, she got married to a friend of mine I actually introduced her to. I did my thing, and we remained pretty close. She got divorced 3 years ago and had a rough time afterward. Back in January, she contacted me and I figured why not ask her out. We had a great time, short lived and really intense.

 

She went out one night with her friends, I do not know these friends. Texted me nice stuff all night, then called me later that night and dumped me. Two days later she told me she had feelings and panicked, then she just went off the radar. Called me weeks later screaming at me saying she did not like angry men. I was really confused, in 15 years we never argued and never had a fight.

 

Fast forward to July, I'm at a cookout she is at another one. I get a text from a mutual friend saying she talked to my ex and my ex is coming to see me. It was good to see her. Of course, she would not talk to me about what happened, she told me I had to talk to our mutual friend. Woman is 50 so it pissed me off, but I kept that under control. The only thing she would tell me is she was conflicted, her friends do not like me. Apparently some woman she hangs out with I don't even know told her I abused my ex girlfriends. So suddenly the "angry guy" comment made sense to me now. I also assured her I never abused my exes and we were friends, she said it was confusing. This is a woman who trusted me with some pretty serious secrets over the years yet didn't come to me with these accusations until 5 months later.

 

She told me to ask her out for the next weekend. Of course, I was wary but did so, she blew me off on a Friday. That same night she ran into me, said hi and ran away. Minutes later she called me and said "how about Saturday night". I declined and told her to quit while she was ahead. She literally argued with me that she was serious, so I said OK. LOL next morning she was half a state away on a roadtrip with her friends. I just told her to have fun.

 

Long and confusing story, confusing is why I decided to do NC again. This is not how you treat a friend of 15 years, especially one you trusted with secrets and were comfortable around. Common friends told me she sounds confused. She has a new boyfriend, I know of him, people speak highly of him and I want her to be happy. I deserve some respect and she treated me without any. Instead of getting angry I just said "f*ck it, I waited years for a second chance, things were great, then they got bizarre. I dislike her gossipy friend, and it is what it is...I need mental health.".

 

I have never been more confused and frustrated, and recently I found out she told me things no one knows except me, very personal things. I assured her they would never leave me. But she seems to be thinking my NC is a game, as I said I could care less...it's for me. She should know me after all this time. Hence I do not want to love her or worry about the future, I have to let her and our friendship go. We took a gamble, I would do it again. 15 years is a long time to love your friend. I can still send anonymous donations to her cancer fund, and send anonymous B-Day cards. I also can cheer her on and hope she finds happiness finally with this new man, she had a terrible marriage. I can accept I am not the man for her, I just need sanity lol.

 

She needs to be free of me and I need to be free of her. Thanks for listening and helping me figure out the difference.

Edited by Giggles666
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

You need to look at a relationship like a job. She ended it with you. She basically fired you. She told you that your services as a boyfriend are no longer required. Now, do you show up to a job you just got fired from on Monday and start working for free? Think of the first job you ever had, do you still send them Christmas cards every year? HELL NO!!! You dust off that resume and you go get a new job and you don't look back!

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