introverted1 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Men are visual but 20 lbs are not much at all unless you are super short. I'm 5'7 and i've been varying between 120 lbs and 140 lbs in the past years, yet wear same dresses. The average height for American women is 5'4". So you are actually quite tall by US standards. 20 pounds is quite a lot of many frames.
No_Go Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 How tall are you OP? Also, what is your body shape (which zone do you gain at most)? If you're 100% sure he's not bs-ing you, in that case just lose the pounds! You are young, you can lose them safely by the end of the year even if you drop just 1 pound per week! Just cutting your snacks would probably make you lose a pound a week if your metabolism is normal. In the meanwhile - get some nice clothes, make up, style your hair - you've been with him 5 years, you must know what he likes visually. Just think of it as a treat of some sort for him, and for yourself as well.
gwendy Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think it's awesome you have gottento 5 years together. I agree with other people who say you might want to start loosing the weight you gained. I see you've mentioned that yourself. I think that would be really awesome, not just for him, but for your own self! You would feel great. I wonder if it's also because you guys may be seeing so much of each other. Do you guys give each other an opportunity to miss each other? Do you have hobbies (which may hopefully be working out soon) that take up time so he doesn't see you on demand? Can you take up something new, maybe take a class, go out on girls nights and get dolled up for yourself and for your night out, etc. so that you seem more exciting and new? (and also, always, for your own self!) Make some new girlfriends, get back in touch with some old ones? Also, if you could please give some input on my situation? http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/590627-we-spent-so-much-time-together-after-intense-1-5-years-my-bf-feeling-bored#post7006803 2
h0000 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 If you're 100% sure he's not bs-ing you, in that case just lose the pounds! . Did I miss something, did he specifically tell you "I'm not attracted to you anymore because you gained weight"? Or you guess it's the weight gain and all he said was just "I'm not attracted to you anymore"
Author joyyu22 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 How tall are you OP? Also, what is your body shape (which zone do you gain at most)? If you're 100% sure he's not bs-ing you, in that case just lose the pounds! You are young, you can lose them safely by the end of the year even if you drop just 1 pound per week! Just cutting your snacks would probably make you lose a pound a week if your metabolism is normal. In the meanwhile - get some nice clothes, make up, style your hair - you've been with him 5 years, you must know what he likes visually. Just think of it as a treat of some sort for him, and for yourself as well. I am 5'3 and would you believe if I told you my breast went up two sizes and now are ds. But my stomach and thighs have gotten bigger along with it too.
Author joyyu22 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Did I miss something, did he specifically tell you "I'm not attracted to you anymore because you gained weight"? Or you guess it's the weight gain and all he said was just "I'm not attracted to you anymore" I asked "is it because of my weight gain" he said "a little bit" now I want to believe it really is just a little bit but that would make me an idiot.
Author joyyu22 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Sorry if you have already answered this question, but how old is your guy? He may be experiencing a decline in testosterone levels, which would lower his sex drive immensely. IMO, a girl gaining 20 lbs really isn't a big deal, and a reasonable guy shouldn't lose all attraction for his woman if she gains that much. I think a lot of people put on relationship weight after a while, I know I did, and most of the women I have dated did too. Shouldn't be a big deal unless that 20lbs becomes 40....50...ect. He just turned 32 not long ago
h0000 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I asked "is it because of my weight gain" he said "a little bit" now I want to believe it really is just a little bit but that would make me an idiot. Well if its largely because of your weight gain then it's actually a good thing: it's easy to fix, just lose some weight! However I'm still afraid "weight" really is just "a little bit" of the issue. 1
Author joyyu22 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I kinda figured he was in his 30's. I had the same thing happen to me in my early 30's and I had to make some serious life changes to fix it. Does he still wake up each morning with an erection? Morning erections are caused by testosterone production that occurs mostly overnight while we sleep. If the guy isn't waking up with erections, that is another sign of low testosterone. A little info on low T: Low Testosterone - WebMD: Symptoms, Health Effects, and Testosterone Replacement Think about his other behaviors and see if they line up with the symptoms of low T. He may not be aware. Luckily, if this is the answer, it can be reversed easily enough with a little bit of effort. Well unlucky me. He still wakes up with it on most days
Lois_Griffin Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 (edited) But they're all looking for 6'0 tall guys with full head of hair, athletic and slim, money to take them on multiple exotic trips and frequent sporting events every weekend...can you meet/afford all that?! What a crock of crap. I don't like tall men. 5'9" is my limit. And I'd rather drink a Drano cocktail then EVER have to sit through a sporting event. And lastly, I prefer a little more meat on a man than him being 'slim.' You don't know what ALL women want so you can't SPEAK for all women. Edited August 8, 2016 by Lois_Griffin
Emilia Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 When you don't have sex and the partner isn't attracted, you don't have a 'great relationship'. You had a conversation, he is interested in sex but not with you. That in couple-speak means he is waiting for the next girl whom he is going to leave you for. I think you need to start considering that this is over. I also think that most of us learn the lesson that we need to look after ourselves in long term relationships if we want to maintain the other person's attraction.
Toodaloo Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 OP - I think you should go out with the girls, do your nails, go to the gym or whatever exercise you enjoy and makes you feel good. I think you should stop paying attention to him and start doing your own thing. This serves several purposes. 1. He realises that you are a high quality woman who is perfectly capable with out him and he has work to do if he wants to keep you 2. You feel better about yourself and happier in yourself 3. If he does pull the plug you already have a support system and interests to fill your days rather than moping about 4. You will start to think more clearly about what you want from life and naturally be able to make clearer choices and decisions. For what its worth when I have become disenchanted and no longer attracted to a partner it has more to do with my brain being bored than the size of their ass... Go and feel good about yourself. Get up and have some fun. Look after yourself and if it carries on just dump him and find a new guy that isn't so... can't find the right word here... but I figure you will know what I mean. If he mentions your weight again I suggest you tell him to get up and go to the gym with you because as you said he is not so slim these days either and attraction is not all about him... 2
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 When you don't have sex and the partner isn't attracted, you don't have a 'great relationship'. You had a conversation, he is interested in sex but not with you. That in couple-speak means he is waiting for the next girl whom he is going to leave you for. Agreed. We have had guys on here who feel the same about their long term gf, she doesn't turn them on, she is too vanilla, she has put on weight, she is boring, and usually somewhere in the text is this little line about the beautiful and understanding girl at work, or the hot chick in the gym, or the flirty neighbour and then it all starts to make complete sense... 2
Author joyyu22 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Agreed. We have had guys on here who feel the same about their long term gf, she doesn't turn them on, she is too vanilla, she has put on weight, she is boring, and usually somewhere in the text is this little line about the beautiful and understanding girl at work, or the hot chick in the gym, or the flirty neighbour and then it all starts to make complete sense... If there was someone else he would have left me by now. And even those beautiful hot girls will eventually turn vanilla. Things can only stay new for so long
KuraJay11 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I understand a man not wanting an overweight woman but 20 lbs doesn't add a massive change in a woman's appearance. I'd say he has met someone else and doesn't want to tell you. Better you find this out than to lose 20 lbs and be stuck in the same position. You'd be healthier but still emotionally damaged. 3
Toodaloo Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 If there was someone else he would have left me by now. And even those beautiful hot girls will eventually turn vanilla. Things can only stay new for so long Its that he hasn't met that someone else yet so you "will do" until she comes along... And some of us never turn vanilla... we just get worse and more adventurous with age... Take the sun glasses off, smell the roses, see this for what it is. The only person you are hurting right now is yourself... 2
Gaeta Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 What is attractive is unique to each. Yes 20-lbs isn't a big deal, on most people 20-lbs represent 1 size up. She is attractive at a size 6 but not at a size 8? I doubt. Or she is attractive at a size 14 but not at size 16? again I doubt. What is unattractive is the change of attitude in women when we gain weight. We get on the scale and we see 5-lbs more and we get bitchy, we feel unattractive, we feel self-conscious, suddenly we put away the bikini, we don't want the BF to look at us from a certain angle etc etc etc, it's not the weight, it's the attitude that comes with the extra weight. I attract more men at 150-lbs than I ever attracted at 125-lbs. Why is that? Because younger at 125-lbs I felt fat and acted like I was fat. At 50 yo at 150-lbs I feel HOT and act as a hot woman and that is a huge magnet for men! That being said. We all have deal breakers. I don't like a big gut on a man and if my boyfriend grew one I'd have some serious mental blockage. The same as if he grew a mustache that would assure him to never have sex with me again. His blockage are if I cut my hair, If I cut my hair shorter than my shoulders he's going to lose attraction the same way for some men if their gf gain weight on the stomach they can't feel attracted any longer. So to each their own. OP's boyfriend is not a bad man for losing attraction but the question is what did he lose attraction for exactly?? OP did not renew her wardrobe? OP has sucky attitude with the extra weight? OP is now self-conscious about her body? She gained the weight in her tummy and that's the problem? What exactly is the problem? 2
azlightsout Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 What is unattractive is the change of attitude in women when we gain weight. We get on the scale and we see 5-lbs more and we get bitchy, we feel unattractive, we feel self-conscious, suddenly we put away the bikini, we don't want the BF to look at us from a certain angle etc etc etc, it's not the weight, it's the attitude that comes with the extra weight. This was my first thought when i read this thread. Did her personality change when she gained the extra pounds? 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 What a crock of crap. ... You don't know what ALL women want so you can't SPEAK for all women. Of course I don't. My post was heavy on humor/sarcasm.
Author joyyu22 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 So to each their own. OP's boyfriend is not a bad man for losing attraction but the question is what did he lose attraction for exactly?? OP did not renew her wardrobe? OP has sucky attitude with the extra weight? OP is now self-conscious about her body? She gained the weight in her tummy and that's the problem? What exactly is the problem? I think its a combination of me letting myself go, us not putting work into our relationship because we're comfortable (in a bad way) now and losing the spark because of that.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think its a combination of me letting myself go, us not putting work into our relationship because we're comfortable (in a bad way) now and losing the spark because of that. I was going to say it sounds like you both threw in the towel a bit, judging by your comment about how all women turn vanilla eventually, the only time a woman turns vanilla in a long term relationship (in my personal experience) is when she also stops getting super turned on by her partner. The more turned on a woman is the "dirtier" she will perform. Are you sure he still does it for you too?
Author joyyu22 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I was going to say it sounds like you both threw in the towel a bit, judging by your comment about how all women turn vanilla eventually, the only time a woman turns vanilla in a long term relationship (in my personal experience) is when she also stops getting super turned on by her partner. The more turned on a woman is the "dirtier" she will perform. Are you sure he still does it for you too? Yep he definitely still does it for me. I am very inexperienced in the bed department and am terribly shy in fear of rejection. And thats something I have to get over but the only way for me to do that to get more experience but I cant..
Author joyyu22 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 I was going to say it sounds like you both threw in the towel a bit, judging by your comment about how all women turn vanilla eventually, the only time a woman turns vanilla in a long term relationship (in my personal experience) is when she also stops getting super turned on by her partner. The more turned on a woman is the "dirtier" she will perform. Are you sure he still does it for you too? When I say Vanilla, I'm not talking about she is tame. I'm referring to what's new and sparkly turns familiar by desensitization. because trust me there are things (not so vanilla things) I want to try, he doesn't want to try.
Leigh 87 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 OP - I think you should go out with the girls, do your nails, go to the gym or whatever exercise you enjoy and makes you feel good. I think you should stop paying attention to him and start doing your own thing. This serves several purposes. 1. He realises that you are a high quality woman who is perfectly capable with out him and he has work to do if he wants to keep you 2. You feel better about yourself and happier in yourself 3. If he does pull the plug you already have a support system and interests to fill your days rather than moping about 4. You will start to think more clearly about what you want from life and naturally be able to make clearer choices and decisions. For what its worth when I have become disenchanted and no longer attracted to a partner it has more to do with my brain being bored than the size of their ass... Go and feel good about yourself. Get up and have some fun. Look after yourself and if it carries on just dump him and find a new guy that isn't so... can't find the right word here... but I figure you will know what I mean. If he mentions your weight again I suggest you tell him to get up and go to the gym with you because as you said he is not so slim these days either and attraction is not all about him... Haha. Ok. This is what women have to do when they are with a man who isn't head over heels for them. Good luck with that. Things like weight gain and " smothering" are apt to rock the boat when a guy simply did't fall hard enough for you! Meanwhile, me and my female friend are with men who are crazy about us even if we gained weight! Gosh it is better when you date men who are enamoured with you. No need to " go out with the girls, keep busy, appear like you are so awesoke and chill and casual and have a full lofe" With the right guy.... when a guy is into you enough, you do not have to do those things! My friend gained 25 lbs and her bf was still wanting to rip her clothes off as much as day one! 2
SoThatHappened Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I had a live-in girlfriend who I was with for 7 years (on and off for a long time before that as well). We lived together for 3 years. Sex diminished in frequency to the point of 2-3 times a week, and eventually once a week. She'd fluctuate in weight by 10 pounds on a 5'-0" frame. But, she hovered around 110. I was attracted to her either way. Extra weight meant extra boobage for me. Anyway, when the frequency diminished she just flat out jumped me when I would be fixing the garbage disposal or working on my truck. I can't tell you how many times I left the garage door open with tools laying around because she pulled my pants down while I was under my truck. Point of this is, it worked. She felt that our sex life was slipping and just got me to the point (worked up) to where I couldn't say no... if you know what I mean. Maybe that's another thing that may help you. Also, when you try to lose weight, for you, your attitude will improve. That also inherently is attractive. It sounds like things are just a little stale. That happens to everyone. I just hope that the attraction he said he's lost can be reignited. That, and I hope he's 100% honest that's the case and nothing else (i.e. interest in someone else). 1
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