joyyu22 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 We've been together for almost 5 years and it's a great relationship. We have our up and downs but its mostly up. We know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. And a month ago we moved in together. There is just 1 problem, our sex life is not great. For the first 2 years, it was awesome, the honeyphase and all. It went from everytime we see each other, to once a week, twice a month and now once a month or none at all. I would get upset about it and the excuses were always "I'm tired" or "of course I'm attracted to you, I'm just not in the mood" and so on. Finally we had a talk about it, and he drops this bomb on me telling me for the past few months, he doesn't find me sexy anymore. I don't get him excited. I just don't get it. He tells me he wants to have sex but he doesn't find me attractive but he also doesn't want to have sex with anyone else. I know that I have gradually gained weight but we're not talking about more than 20 pounds here. And yes I can take better care of myself but it's not like he didn't gain any weigh either but maybe I have a deeper attraction then just physical for him. And what's he going to do 30 years down the line? I'm never going to look the way I looked when we first met. He wants to fix things by bringing the spark back, like dressing up and doing something new. But it's not like we sit at home all the time and not do anything, just last week we did a hike and had a nice dinner far from the city. The talk ended with him telling me he loves me very much, and how he wants to spend his life with me, having kids and growing old and he doesn't want to lose me. I am very hurt and my emotions are so jumbled up. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Lose 20 lbs? Why isn't it an option? Don't wait for an extra 20 lbs to become an extra 50 lbs then 70 lbs. Get yourself on a healthy menu and integrate daily walks that's all you need. About doing it together with him? Give yourself this gift. 7
Author joyyu22 Posted August 7, 2016 Author Posted August 7, 2016 Lose 20 lbs? Why isn't it an option? Don't wait for an extra 20 lbs to become an extra 50 lbs then 70 lbs. Get yourself on a healthy menu and integrate daily walks that's all you need. About doing it together with him? Give yourself this gift. Of course that's an options which is why I said I will take better care of myself
Omei Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Okay and if that doesn't work then I'd just say he's being unrealistic some guys do just always like fresh girls they end up getting super old themselves and find themselves alone when their looks have faded too much also. Lol I'm just saying you're right you will never look as good as you first did as years pass onward.
Fruitee Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I guess you kind of let yourself go. But he should also wanna have sex with you no matter you look like. He is superficial. Find yourself someone who loves you as you are. And dont care that much about your looks. It doesnt sound like a great relationship to me if you guys are noy having sex anymore. Youre too young to live in celebacy 1
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 He just can't accept the truth that he is no longer attracted/in love with you. He loves you yes, but loves you like a sister. The only thing that is keeping him with you is fear. He is afraid of being alone, fear of being without companionship. He is just making excuses about it being your physical appearance, or things need to be spiced up. It's beyond that. You both need to face the reality that this relationship has run it's course 3 years ago. please don't marry this guy you are just roommates, not lovers. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Lose 20 lbs? Why isn't it an option? Don't wait for an extra 20 lbs to become an extra 50 lbs then 70 lbs. Get yourself on a healthy menu and integrate daily walks that's all you need. About doing it together with him? Agreed! Give yourself this gift. I love this, Gaeta. OP, by being healthier, you are doing YOURSELF and YOUR BODY a huge favor! What others think as a result of you taking care of youself is the BONUS. 1
azlightsout Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 so things changed after u 2 moved in with each other ?
Author joyyu22 Posted August 7, 2016 Author Posted August 7, 2016 How old are you both? I'm 27 and he's 32
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I guess you kind of let yourself go. But he should also wanna have sex with you no matter you look like. He is superficial. Find yourself someone who loves you as you are. And dont care that much about your looks. It doesnt sound like a great relationship to me if you guys are noy having sex anymore. Youre too young to live in celebacy There is absolutely nothing wrong with waning attraction for another person b/c they let themselves go. The OP's bf fell in love with her when she was 20 lbs less. You cannot force yourself to remain as attracted if your sensibilities expect better...superficial, I don't think so, not based on what we've been told thus far. This notion that we should love people as they are is way too simplistic. In any relationship, there are varying degrees we ought to tolerate and it certainly is not ANYTHING our partner exhibits when it becomes a cause of dysfunction in a relationship. He is not attracted to you, he says. Is it that simple? I have to tell you, if it's your weight, he is in a very difficult spot. We are often told to be upfront about our personal needs, but when it comes to, among other issues, a woman's weight, watch out! Men are often loathe to mention it and so shut down or make up indirect reasons for not being attracted or interested. It also bothers me that HE has not kept to his physical optimum. Perhaps you can suggest more physical activities that then don't involve a nice meal afterwards?
azlightsout Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I guess a couple months before i don't know alot about your situation but maybe u should focus more on yourself and less on him. A few pounds never stopped me. How is your attitude/personality? Has it changed at all ?
Author joyyu22 Posted August 7, 2016 Author Posted August 7, 2016 There is absolutely nothing wrong with waning attraction for another person b/c they let themselves go. The OP's bf fell in love with her when she was 20 lbs less. You cannot force yourself to remain as attracted if your sensibilities expect better...superficial, I don't think so, not based on what we've been told thus far. This notion that we should love people as they are is way too simplistic. In any relationship, there are varying degrees we ought to tolerate and it certainly is not ANYTHING our partner exhibits when it becomes a cause of dysfunction in a relationship. He is not attracted to you, he says. Is it that simple? I have to tell you, if it's your weight, he is in a very difficult spot. We are often told to be upfront about our personal needs, but when it comes to, among other issues, a woman's weight, watch out! Men are often loathe to mention it and so shut down or make up indirect reasons for not being attracted or interested. It also bothers me that HE has not kept to his physical optimum. Perhaps you can suggest more physical activities that then don't involve a nice meal afterwards? I also think maybe he feels too comfortable and not enough of spark and excitement, basically everything is too familiar and not enough new
Author joyyu22 Posted August 7, 2016 Author Posted August 7, 2016 i don't know alot about your situation but maybe u should focus more on yourself and less on him. A few pounds never stopped me. How is your attitude/personality? Has it changed at all ? Not that I've notice but you are right. I do need to focus on myself. Spend more time by myself and my friends. 1
elaine567 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I guess a couple months before Why on earth did you move in with a man who didn't want to have sex with you? It may be the weight, but it may run deeper than that. Smackie09 may unfortunately be correct in her assessment. Whose idea was it to move in together? Was it a planned event or was it a forced necessity? 1
Author joyyu22 Posted August 7, 2016 Author Posted August 7, 2016 Why on earth did you move in with a man who didn't want to have sex with you? It may be the weight, but it may run deeper than that. Smackie09 may unfortunately be correct in her assessment. Whose idea was it to move in together? Was it a planned event or was it a forced necessity? I moved in because we loved each other and this was something I didn't see coming. And his job is physically demanding and I was just hopeful. It was a planned event. He suggested moving in a year ago but I wasn't ready financially, and now I finally am.
Weezy1973 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I also think maybe he feels too comfortable and not enough of spark and excitement, basically everything is too familiar and not enough new Is your sex life stagnant? Are you continuing to explore and experiment, or have you fallen into the same old routines? There are many ways to spark a sex life back - many couples have this problem and can come back. There is a sad assumption that many people have about sex being a linear process - that is: 1. Look at my partner 2. Get aroused / turned on 3. Foreplay 4. Sex Due to desensitization, just the mere appearance of our partner after awhile is no longer going to get us aroused like it did at the beginning. If you or your boyfriend subscribes to the myth that it should be the same as it was at the beginning, you're not only going to fail at this relationship, but all future relationships as well. What you should do is to put sex as a priority as a couple and set away time to do that every week. Then, whether either of you are in the mood or not, start making out, touching, etc. and you both will likely start to get aroused. Even the anticipation of knowing that this is "sex night" could in itself be a turn on. Start communicating again about turn ons and turn offs; sometimes these things can change as we get older. Maybe he would like you to wear sexier underwear on sex nights or try a new position. Communication is key. Honesty is key. Openness is vital. Over the long haul, weight is going to fluctuate and our bodies will change, but that doesn't mean our sex lives just stop. Relationships are work, and sometimes it's the sex portion that takes the work. But it's really worth it isn't it? 3
azlightsout Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 (edited) Not that I've notice but you are right. I do need to focus on myself. Spend more time by myself and my friends. Most guys i would think prefer a few pounds ... i like my girls soft ,sweet, and fluffy ( like a cinnamon roll) ..... Focus more on yourself ... Hes already caught in your 'WEB' give him a little space (and focus on your self ) Edited August 7, 2016 by azlightsout 1
SevenCity Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Most guys i would think prefer a few pounds ... i like my girls soft ,sweet, and fluffy ( like a cinnamon roll) ..... Focus more on yourself ... Hes already caught in your 'WEB' give him a little space (and focus on your self ) I don't think you speak for most guys. A rarely hear guys complaining that their gf is too skinny. It seems to be taboo for a guy to want a thin girl in shape. If women hear this they automatically say he is superficial. Yet it's ok for women to want tall guys with nice hair as opposed to short bald guys. 20 lbs on a girl can be huge depending on your original weight. Unless it all went to your breasts And if you say you'll never be the weight when you met, you never will. You don't have to gain weight as part of getting old. Especially when you are in your 20s. With that philosophy, you will double your weight every 20 years? 6
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I also think maybe he feels too comfortable and not enough of spark and excitement, basically everything is too familiar and not enough new If it's this, then get busy and start planning new and more active things to do together. If he resists, then you know it's more and that he's probably already checked out. In the meantime, you ought to, right now(!), improve yourself! He may become more interested again. Another possiblity is that he may have more personal issues that may be leading to his disinterest. Depression (various reasons for this), or something physical? Just a thought... 1
Author joyyu22 Posted August 7, 2016 Author Posted August 7, 2016 I don't think you speak for most guys. A rarely hear guys complaining that their gf is too skinny. It seems to be taboo for a guy to want a thin girl in shape. If women hear this they automatically say he is superficial. Yet it's ok for women to want tall guys with nice hair as opposed to short bald guys. 20 lbs on a girl can be huge depending on your original weight. Unless it all went to your breasts And if you say you'll never be the weight when you met, you never will. You don't have to gain weight as part of getting old. Especially when you are in your 20s. With that philosophy, you will double your weight every 20 years? That's abit unfair to say the least. Not ALL women will say hes superficial just because he's not happy with my weight. It's the fact he's not okay with my weight gain yet he's fine with his. And not ALL women want tall guys with nice hair. My man isn't tall and he has frizzy curly hair yet here I am. When I say I'm not going to look the same, it doesn't have to be only about my weight, if anything people lose weight when they get older. What I'm saying is, my skin will never be as firm, or my breast will stay this perky or my ass will never be as firm and my face? wrinkles for sure. 1
SevenCity Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 That's abit unfair to say the least. Not ALL women will say hes superficial just because he's not happy with my weight. It's the fact he's not okay with my weight gain yet he's fine with his. And not ALL women want tall guys with nice hair. My man isn't tall and he has frizzy curly hair yet here I am. When I say I'm not going to look the same, it doesn't have to be only about my weight, if anything people lose weight when they get older. What I'm saying is, my skin will never be as firm, or my breast will stay this perky or my ass will never be as firm and my face? wrinkles for sure. Of course people age. But that same pedestal that guys put their ex's on here is the same thing that keeps a man attracted to his woman over time. Love is the great equalizer when it comes to attraction. You have to work on building that attraction on a deeper level. 20 lbs in 5 years at your age is way too much. Keeping yourself as attractive as you can be will not only be good for you but make your man realize you care what he thinks of you. Start with losing the weight, then work on the deeper attraction. 3
azlightsout Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 It seems to be taboo for a guy to want a thin girl in shape. If women hear this they automatically say he is superficial. Yet it's ok for women to want tall guys with nice hair as opposed to short bald guys. Yep so true
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