89XJ Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I'm a long time lurker on these forums, but I am now in a position where I really need the advice for myself. So here's the story: My girlfriend and I have been together for over 4 years. We're both in our late 20's. In the past year and a half I bought a house for us and we spent months renovating, decorating, and finally moved in. We were getting a long great, no real fights at all. I pay for pretty much everything though as she can't afford to contribute much, but I was ok with that. Anyway, over the winter she messed up and got a DUI. We were both devastated but I vowed to stay by her side and help her through it. I hired an attorney, and spent months helping her fight the charge. She ended up losing her license for 3 months. She had to move back to her dads because it was the only place where transportation was available to get her to work. I drove her around whenever I could so that she could come home on the weekends and we could spend time together. I was planning to propose when she got her license back almost 2 months ago, but I never got the chance. A week before getting her license back we had "the talk" She told me that she was unhappy and was unsure about the relationship, and that she wouldn't be moving back in. She needed to "figure things out" and she didn't know what she wanted. She cited the fact that we hadn't be truly intimate in awhile. This is true, obiviously when she moved back to her moms, sex was almost non existent. Prior to that, we were so focused on fighting the DUI and prior to that renovating the house that sex had become rare. Otherwise, everything was perfect. We bonded so tightly making our home together. So at the time I was upset but I didn't force her or try to give her an ultimatum. I simply backed off and gave her space. I let her initiate all contact. She does contact me almost every day, and we spend time together. Maybe once or twice a week. We have become more intimate and have had better sex then ever when she is here. She tells me that she loves me and our home, and that she appreciates how I support her in everything she does, and how no one else in her life supports her like I do, blah blah. She has mentioned how great the sex has been and how this is a "new side of me" that she hasn't seen. The problem is that its been 7 weeks since we first talked and she hasn't moved back, and she doesn't seem like she is planning to anytime soon. She hasn't officially changed the terms of our relationship, i.e. i dont feel like we've officially broken up. She still has me listed as "in a relationship" with her on facebook. But she still says she is unsure and that she doesn't know what she wants. The other problem is she reconnected with some old friends while she was living at her dads, and has been particularly close with one guy. Obviously she swears its platonic but I know there is something else going on there. Is she stringing me along to see if it works out with this other guy? I really want her back and I've been patient and strong. Just focusing on having a good time with her when we get together and not really bringing it all up. What should I do? Should I back away even more and not be so available when she texts, etc? It's been 7 weeks of this limbo. The uncertainty is tough, but I also don't want to end it completely. Almost all of her personal belongings are still here. What do I make of all this??? Thanks in advance, Ryan
BluesPower Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Ryan, I am sorry to say this but she is screwing her new friend. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. You are the fallback guy, and the sex is better because she feels guilty and she is trying to assuage her guilt. You need to end this and tell her why. You know that she is cheating and she just killed the relationship. Then go no contact with her. You really don't need this in your life. There are a ton of women that will treat you right. Good luck 2
azlightsout Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 U need to get her out of your head ..... hit the gym, join a dating site, meet some new women, go fishing, spend some time with yourself .... Focus on yourself
preraph Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 To me it sounds like she just needs to spend some time mostly with herself and that she is in a period of change. A legal problem can do that to you, sometimes for the good. It sounds like you slipped into a parental role with her and that is why the sex went bad. In order to not let that happen again, you can't try to control her like a parent and you probably need to let her get up if she falls unless she asks you. You shouldn't discourage her from seeing friends. She's finding herself again right now. If there's a guy involved, it will either grow or fizzle. No point in overreacting and NO point in asking for exclusivity or for her to move in. Do not try to get her to move back in. Give her plenty of space so that if she does decide it's on again, you can be sure about it and not be doubting her whereabouts. Meanwhile, if you want to date around any, now is the time. Be a little patient. She needs space to be her own person right now.
Poutrew Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Well, she certainly has taken care of herself, hasn't she? Her new plutonic friend is her new boyfriend... you are now officially '2nd banana'. Her swearing anything means nothing. If you want to let this slide, then be prepared for the 'I'm no good for you, you deserve better' talk. You need to stop putting your life on hold for this girl. At the very least, do exactly what she has done - find some new female pals to hang out with. You can swear to her that it is only plutonic, as well. Dude, learn to play the game, and do it at least as well as your 'confused' girlfriend...
Author 89XJ Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Thanks for the responses.. Preraph I think you're right. I absolutely fell into the parental role, I've done so many times. her parents are both useless and always have been, so I felt like it was my duty. But I think like you said I should let her handle it and be there if she asks.. For the time being, I will get out and meet some girls, just because it will help me get my mind off her and to be social again. as far as the status of our relationship- should I even bring it up, or just leave it be? I mean all of her belongings are still here, and when she comes over she gets a little emotional looking at the pictures of us. Should I just leave it alone and do my own thing until she brings it up, or do I tell her to pack up her stuff and let me know when she gathers her thoughts ?
springy Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 (edited) Pack her stuff up and deliver it to her, or at the very least put it out of sight. Don't let her indecisiveness keep you from moving forward with your life. At some point this limbo becomes self-imposed when you decide, not to decide...know what I mean? To wait and wait and wait until she decides something on her own is not good for you. Forget the FB relationship status...means nothing - her actions tell it all. One last time - "Do you love me? Are we going start working on us or not?" If she has no answer for you, still claiming to be confused or gives some other weak response that still leaves you with some ambiguous date/time in the future where blah blah blah...let her know you consider this relationship over for the time being and that if she is ever serious about wanting to work things out to let you know. Otherwise this is just not fair to you. She's out living her life and you're sitting around hurting. She's out laughing, having a good time, hanging out with other men, etc., and you are at home wishing she would come back. Put her stuff out of sight and begin your healing process. She is having her cake and eating it too...and at some point this is on you. You make the decision for her, or stay "in limbo" (by choice). I do not mean to sound harsh, it just irks me when "we" sit around wasting our energy and tears on someone who claims to love us but yet apparently can live without us just fine. It's extremely selfish - I'll just put Ryan to the side while I explore over here and pick him back up when I'm ready (if that day ever comes). At some point you make the decision not to sit in limbo while they are out living it up, likely hoping you'll still be waiting around if their new life doesn't pan out. I am sorry for your pain. It will still hurt for awhile, but it'll help some when you get past the unknown of limbo. Edited August 8, 2016 by springy 1
Author 89XJ Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 How should I act when she reaches out? For example, we dont talk for a couple days, and then she texts me and will say something like "I miss you" or "I'm thinking about you". I'll play it cool and joke with her and then she goes silent on me..??
Standard-Fare Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 One last time - "Do you love me? Are we going start working on us or not?" If she has no answer for you, still claiming to be confused or gives some other weak response that still leaves you with some ambiguous date/time in the future where blah blah blah...let her know you consider this relationship over for the time being and that if she is ever serious about wanting to work things out to let you know. Otherwise this is just not fair to you. The above is the best advice. Stop playing games with the back-and-forth texts, etc. It's time to demand a real conversation, and respond accordingly. If she can't tell you for certain that she wants to be with you — after four years of dating and the hell you've put up with recently — you really do have to shut the door.
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