Exgf (dumper) getting married 1 year later. Back to "coping" square 1 :(...why??

[essai0506]

Hi guys,

 

I got a tough break-up last year (June 2015). Despite of my age (35) it was my most serious relationship (3 years). I'm not gonna go back to the reasons of the break-up (we're from different countries, the relationship became LDR, she wanted to get married quick and have kids, she is from the "bible student" conservative community, etc....)

The relationship was very healthy and good between us. She wanted me to propose (but she did not compromised anything). She is from the US and I from France (thus the challenge and circumstance breakup).

Anyways, I went through the following process in the past 12 months:

1) She broke up on skype after an e-mail where I stated what I hoped in life and trying to find a compromise with her wishes. She saw no option for us. REALLY hard time to cope with the break-up and the rejection. I went no contact for 2 months right after the break-up.

2) I made a short contact 2 month later (she was happy to hear from me, she also suffered from letting me go).

3) We started exchanging emails again between september and december.

4) in December she wanted to be honest and up front with me, and informed me she was dating someone = HUGE PUNCH in my face. Very very hard to cope with this idea. My ex felt horrible seeing how I suffered of this information.

5) I sent her two long e-mails to tell her how much I still loved her (yeah, I know...) and remind her our souvenirs and the whole yadiyadiyada...To which she replied short but very nicely.

6) I then decided to stop being in touch so that I can move on. Since the break-up I never checked her facebook and I unfollowed her.

7) I met another girl while travelling for my work and told her I'm not looking for a new commitment. She was ok but does not really understand the fact that I can't move on from my ex after 1 year.

7) I learnt last week (from my current short term "relationship" who facebook stalked my ex) that my ex is getting married = HUGE PUNCH in my face again.

 

How come I am still sooo affected by her and unable to move on??

What chemical processes in my brain prevent me from doing it?

Do I really miss her? Or do I miss our moments? is it the rejection feeling that is still so poweful?

Is it the age (35 years, meaning most of friends married and with new borns) that triggers more anxiety?

 

I really really struggle and feel like I went back to square 1, a year later...I miss her so much again and don't understand that I seem not to exist for her.

Maybe she thinks of me from time to time. I wished she would write a word to say hi...but this silence sounds like I am dead to her. And I can't contact her myself. But it's killing me not to exist to her eyes anymore whereas we loved each other so much.

Ahhhh I hate my brain from doing this to me again.... Is it ever going to go away? I feel like I am protecting myself from falling in love again...

Thanks for any suggestion or feedback from your experience...

Courage to all in this sort situation!

[TheLawyer]

Your age is irrelevant. You don't suddenly have total control of your feelings because you're in your 30's, 40's, 50's or older.

 

You feel what you feel, it's just that the older you get the more life experience you have, and if you're lucky you have had the right experiences to help you cope with certain life problems, but that's not automatic either.

 

I think the biggest problem when recovering from an ex is actually getting to the point where you move on with your life. Getting the point where you are fine without them is only half the battle, actually moving on it the other half.

 

If you think back, what have you done to actually move on? Since you know she's getting married you're still too close, otherwise you'd have no idea what she is doing with her life. So I'm not surprised you feel like this at all.

 

Until you cut her out of your life entirely, you won't move on like you should.

[WonderKid]

Me personally you shouldn't be surprised. That was her goal from the get-go. A goal without a plan is only a wish. And she didn't want it to be a wish. So she saw the opportunity and took it. You were just unfortunate and the timing was off.

 

You need to go at your own pace. And cut her out until you can completely move on.

[essai0506]

Hi TheLawyer. Thanks for your input. The age is not relevant in regards to our feelings but to our anxiety in being settled especially when seeing everyone around (relatives and friends) getting married and having kids. There is this conscious or unconscious pressure to also be with someone to build something.

As you said, I definitely learnt a lot from this experience. And she definitely learnt as well. We both got better by being together. That's what we told each other. I'll likely commit more in the future and she will likely make more compromise for the next one.

I unfollowed her on facebook so I literally had no news from her. But a recent relationship who was informed about my past and that I have had a hard time to move on stalked my exgf on facebook account. I guess out of jealousy...anyways, during an argument she let me know that my exgf is getting married which made me very upset.

 

I guess we all go through this phase when hearing that our exgf (dumper) goes to new steps in her life without you (new bf, marriage, pregnancy, etc.)...

Tough reality...it's just hard and it feels unfair that she moves on so well and that I'm stuck and moving on so slowly...whereas I did nothing wrong.

 

Your age is irrelevant. You don't suddenly have total control of your feelings because you're in your 30's, 40's, 50's or older.

 

You feel what you feel, it's just that the older you get the more life experience you have, and if you're lucky you have had the right experiences to help you cope with certain life problems, but that's not automatic either.

 

I think the biggest problem when recovering from an ex is actually getting to the point where you move on with your life. Getting the point where you are fine without them is only half the battle, actually moving on it the other half.

 

If you think back, what have you done to actually move on? Since you know she's getting married you're still too close, otherwise you'd have no idea what she is doing with her life. So I'm not surprised you feel like this at all.

 

Until you cut her out of your life entirely, you won't move on like you should.

[essai0506]

Yes I should have expected it but I just did not want to hear from it until I felt better and in love with someone else. I heard from it when I was in a weak spot.

When she has an objective, she usually reaches it no matter what are the cost. So she made everything possible.

Timing was off but not so much. Just for a few months...

She loved me a lot but I guess she loves even more being an official wife.

 

Me personally you shouldn't be surprised. That was her goal from the get-go. A goal without a plan is only a wish. And she didn't want it to be a wish. So she saw the opportunity and took it. You were just unfortunate and the timing was off.

 

You need to go at your own pace. And cut her out until you can completely move on.

[Standard-Fare]

I have also experienced that "punch in the face" moment of learning an ex who I'd been broken up with for a year was getting married to someone else. It completely dismantled me. And, like a fool, I punished myself by tracking their engagement via Facebook for a full year, to the point of finally seeing their wedding pics one day.

 

The only way to preserve your own sanity and dignity is to make a conscious decision to stop following her life. Block yourself from checking in on her on all forms of social media. Her life is on a different path now, and you don't want to be witnessing that in silent pain from the sidelines for months, years to come.

 

In my own situation - to be honest, I still occasionally feel the temptation to peek in on my ex and his now-wife sometimes. But every time that urge comes around, I try to remind myself of how horrible I'll feel if I pursue it.

 

You have to actively decide to treat yourself kindly, instead of causing yourself more pain.

[Bialy]

I feel the pain in your post! It hurts to see someone move forward.

 

It sounds like you two had a good relationship, but you were not able to provide her with what she wanted at the time -- commitment and taking things to the next level.

 

Is this pain you feel from regret that you could have been with her, but were hesitant? It's natural to feel guilt and regret when you feel you've missed an opportunity.

 

It's hard to move forward fully with those feelings and I wish I knew what to say!

[Bialy]

Or, is your pain more to do that you wish you found someone first instead?

 

In that case, then you don't feel strongly about her necessarily.

[WonderKid]

Yeah I understand what you are saying. She moved forward while you were still recovering and that just sucks. Now if you were with a woman then the process is easier because you can say to yourself, hey, I moved on too.

 

It's part of the reason I am not friends with my ex. Because I know it'll anger me a bit to find out she's dating someone else. I probably will eventually find out if her sister posts something that I can see on my timeline, but that's about it.

 

Instead of remaining her friend, even social media friend, I decided to leave that behind. It hurts but it works.