It can work

[seren]

Me and he are in our 9th year of reconciliation after H confessed to having an 8 month affair. We have had some turbulent years, with many bridges to cross, not just affair related. More my health and his PTSD due to combat stress. We have both changed jobs, he has left 26 yrs in the military to work on a shooting estate, very Downton Abbey )I kid you not), I have been medically retired after nearly 30 years as a Strategist and social work manager. We are 70K sterling a year down, we live remotely in a 350 year old cottage and we are so bloody happy I could dance.

 

9 Years ago I never, ever thought we would find ourselves in such a good place in our marriage and relationship. We have always been close, best friends as well as lovers. I liked him and he me and we loved. We were the poster couple that a marriage could still have love, romance and fun after such a long time together, we have been together for over 30 years. During the early days after D Day I wondered what I could have done differently, why didn't I see it? how could it be going on under my nose. It took part on weekends when he was home from camp, yet still I missed it, I wanted him to go out and enjoy time with his friends, I never questioned him coming home late and I put the change in him down to his job and stress.

 

When he told me it was a lightbulb moment, a, of course. I never hated him, I actually felt sorry for him as I knew that he would find the realisation he had compromised his integrity really hard. I knew the why of it, I just always felt we were one of those, it will never happen to us. We had had the, if there is ever another, tell me conversations, we thought we were bullet proof.. TBH, I never worried about the OW, once it was out there and he saw that he could lose us, he threw those rose coloured glasses as far as he could and worked his butt off to show remorse.

 

This weekend we went out with him on his bicycle and me on my all terrain wheelchair and he needed a tow from me up a slight incline as his knees are bad. I look to see him crying and ask what's up? He says, I never realised that over the years you have always done this, whenever I needed a hand or a tow, you have been there keeping me going and that I am sorry to the bottom of my heart for ever hurting you. I stop and creakily get off Ethel, my super chair and we hug and I tell him that we both work because we have each other, at times he helps me get out of chairs, cope with not being able to walk far and others I give him a tow or help him fight his demons. It's what love looks like, during the hard times one helps the other, without question.

 

We came home and sat in the garden and he poured out how sorry he still felt, that he felt crazy during those times and that the OW made him feel as bad as he felt he deserved. If you have read me before you will know, I don't degenerate the OW or any OW. He said that he always thinks of me as being the most honest, good person he knows and that after Iraq and losing his comrades and him not being able to stop it, then coming home to find that cancer had attacked me, he felt so terrible about himself. He saw our perfect life and though he didn't deserve it and so he ended up on a path of self destruction. I always felt sorry for the OW as I spoke to her and the man she knew wasn't my gently, loving man, but a bully and truly nasty.

She and me have made our peace and I wish her good things in life and peace.

 

For me and he I feel we have turned a corner. He still struggles with what he did, he still has night terrors and has lost so much self confidence. But, I can see that today we have turned a corner. I never thought we would get back in spades what we almost lost. I just wanted to give hope to those who are in the early days, it is a terrible time, it hurts like nothing else can. Hang in there if you are working on reconciling and if not, learn to trust again. Just sharing xx

[Cloudcuckoo]

Me and he are in our 9th year of reconciliation after H confessed to having an 8 month affair. We have had some turbulent years, with many bridges to cross, not just affair related. More my health and his PTSD due to combat stress. We have both changed jobs, he has left 26 yrs in the military to work on a shooting estate, very Downton Abbey )I kid you not), I have been medically retired after nearly 30 years as a Strategist and social work manager. We are 70K sterling a year down, we live remotely in a 350 year old cottage and we are so bloody happy I could dance.

 

9 Years ago I never, ever thought we would find ourselves in such a good place in our marriage and relationship. We have always been close, best friends as well as lovers. I liked him and he me and we loved. We were the poster couple that a marriage could still have love, romance and fun after such a long time together, we have been together for over 30 years. During the early days after D Day I wondered what I could have done differently, why didn't I see it? how could it be going on under my nose. It took part on weekends when he was home from camp, yet still I missed it, I wanted him to go out and enjoy time with his friends, I never questioned him coming home late and I put the change in him down to his job and stress.

 

When he told me it was a lightbulb moment, a, of course. I never hated him, I actually felt sorry for him as I knew that he would find the realisation he had compromised his integrity really hard. I knew the why of it, I just always felt we were one of those, it will never happen to us. We had had the, if there is ever another, tell me conversations, we thought we were bullet proof.. TBH, I never worried about the OW, once it was out there and he saw that he could lose us, he threw those rose coloured glasses as far as he could and worked his butt off to show remorse.

 

This weekend we went out with him on his bicycle and me on my all terrain wheelchair and he needed a tow from me up a slight incline as his knees are bad. I look to see him crying and ask what's up? He says, I never realised that over the years you have always done this, whenever I needed a hand or a tow, you have been there keeping me going and that I am sorry to the bottom of my heart for ever hurting you. I stop and creakily get off Ethel, my super chair and we hug and I tell him that we both work because we have each other, at times he helps me get out of chairs, cope with not being able to walk far and others I give him a tow or help him fight his demons. It's what love looks like, during the hard times one helps the other, without question.

 

We came home and sat in the garden and he poured out how sorry he still felt, that he felt crazy during those times and that the OW made him feel as bad as he felt he deserved. If you have read me before you will know, I don't degenerate the OW or any OW. He said that he always thinks of me as being the most honest, good person he knows and that after Iraq and losing his comrades and him not being able to stop it, then coming home to find that cancer had attacked me, he felt so terrible about himself. He saw our perfect life and though he didn't deserve it and so he ended up on a path of self destruction. I always felt sorry for the OW as I spoke to her and the man she knew wasn't my gently, loving man, but a bully and truly nasty.

She and me have made our peace and I wish her good things in life and peace.

 

For me and he I feel we have turned a corner. He still struggles with what he did, he still has night terrors and has lost so much self confidence. But, I can see that today we have turned a corner. I never thought we would get back in spades what we almost lost. I just wanted to give hope to those who are in the early days, it is a terrible time, it hurts like nothing else can. Hang in there if you are working on reconciling and if not, learn to trust again. Just sharing xx

 

 

That's a heartwarming post Seren, and likewise (my husband is ex-service of 24 years ) feel after such a very long time that we have the life now we both dreamt of and have worked so diligently toward after the enormous deviation from the path we believed we were on and the devastation that infidelity wreaks on a relationship.

 

And that goes for BOTH partners in the marriage. One partner makes terrible choices it's true, but I also believe they suffer the consequences internally and externally for those choices, and living with that, as your post proves Seren, can come at enormous cost.

 

Long may your lives continue to be shared and nurtured in such a positively supportive and deeply caring way, and thankyou for giving those still struggling through the aftermath and mire a glimmer of hope that sometimes, all is not necessarily lost. Bravo.

 

Cuckoo X

[Leelou]

Seren,

 

Am glad you two worked things out. It seems your H is truly aware of what he did. May I ask - did he get to that place, from working with a therapist, or on his own?

[Joie]

I love hearing about couples that are happy!

[seren]

Leelou, at the start he wouldn't go to a counsellor, military types aren't used to spilling their soul to an outsider. he struggled with what he thought he had become. he saw himself as someone who couldn't help those he loved and cared for, as a failure and that he didn't deserve happiness. The A just reinforced those negative feelings. Around the 2 year point he went to combat stress and it gradually came out, bit by painful bit. yet he still struggled with what he had done to me and to us.

 

He missed me singing, he missed me being the trusting person he had known and he missed feeling he was an honest man. Yesterday was a turning point as he spoke about it and how he felt without any anxiety. he has had huge anxiety attacks which we deal with. I just want him to feel that he can forgive himself. I have started singing in the kitchen again as the cat will testify to. I love our life, I love the absolute bones of this man and had we split I would love him still and only ever wished for him to be happy and if that had meant he had found love elsewhere, then I would still have wished him well and loved him.

 

I just wish, with all that I have that people thought twice, three times how ever many, before embarking on an affair. Love happens, but to hurt someone just for lust is so terrible. Affairs hurt at least one person in the triangle. It really is as easy as ending one before beginning another.