Purity Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Hi Everyone, I've been a lurker on this forum for the past few months now and I just wanted to share my story to get some advice on how to let go and move on. This is my first breakup and I hope it will be the last (silly wish, I know). I never want to go through this again... I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The love of my life left me after 9 years. He said he left because he was unhappy and we fought a lot in the last few months leading up to the break up. I felt blindsided because he had never talked to me about this, about how he felt. But I admit that I am hard to get along with during arguments, I just didn't think he would give up on me. He said he had been feeling this way for the past couple of months and decided he didn't want the relationship anymore - he didn't want to pretend anymore. We met up a couple of times to try to talk and work things out, but all that led to was him saying hurtful things to me, like he can't stand me and that I'm a loser that needs to find friends and go out more, and that there was so many things he hated about me. It bothered him that I only wanted to spend time with him (we both have full time jobs and only probably see each other 2-3 times a week). This completely shocked me because of how harsh and cruel he was. He never talked to me about the problems. He never treated me this way throughout the relationship. So, I believed him. I thought the one person that knew me best, would be honest about my faults too. And that tore me apart. Am I really that bad of a person? Am I really a monster? Maybe I'm blind and couldn't see all that was wrong with me. I begged and pleaded that this wasn't what I wanted. I feel so pathetic and weak. I even asked for some time apart to work on ourselves, but his answer was no. He told me it wasn't love he felt towards me, it wasn't the same as before. He said he would think about giving us another shot, but two weeks after we broke up, he slept with one of his friends. He told me he was done with me. He wants to be with her because she's nothing like me and she's better than me in every possible way. Apparently, she was supportive and treats him better than I ever did or could. He essentially chose to be with her instead of me. What does she have that I don't? Sometimes I wish I was her, because she has him. We had talked of getting married and having children. Both of our families got along great. We had trips planned. All past tense now. I was stupid to actually believe that I would spend the rest of my life with him. He let all of our goals, dreams, and plans go like it meant nothing to him. I feel like he discarded me like yesterday's garbage. But I was foolish enough to make him my everything, and because of that, when he left I had nothing. He replaced me and moved on so fast. I'm still struggling. He told me he's happy now and doesn't ever want to go or look back - that maybe we could try being friends eventually when the dust settles. We been broken up for 3 months and I've gone No Contact for 1 month. Looking back, I lost myself in the relationship and lost my identity. I do have my faults and I feel so sorry that I contributed to the break up - I never meant to. After 9 years of being together, we did get complacent. I wish we could have realize this sooner to address it. I think he checked out of the relationship a long time ago and just didn't tell me. I wish I could have fixed so many things, because it was and still is worth it to me, but he doesn't think the same and I can't do it alone. I have been trying to better myself and work on myself FOR ME. But it's still so hard. I still think of him everyday and I feel like I'm going crazy. I think it's so unfair that while I'm still hurt and cry about this loss, he's out happy with someone else - that I was so easy to replace. I hate myself that I still love him and no matter how hard I try, I can't let go. I hate the crying, the thinking, the longing, because I know he's moved on and doesn't feel the same. I feel so stupid, so used, and so completely rejected. 9 years gone. Right now, I feel like I'm never going to find someone and that I'm going to be alone forever, because there's so many things wrong with me. Who in their right mind would want to be with me? I just feel so sad and broken. I want to let go and move on. I don't want to cry anymore. Despite it all, I know it's not healthy or any of my business, but I do wonder if he still thinks about me sometimes. Does he miss me even just a little bit? Did he forget about me? Will he look back one day and realize what he gave up? Will he regret it? Will he realize that we could have fixed our relationship rather than throwing everything away? Will he come back? I know these are all questions that I may never get answers to, but I still wonder. Am I going to be okay?
justine1 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I'm so sorry that you feel like this right now. We are in a similar situation: my boyfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me 4 days ago saying basically the same things, he wasn't happy anymore. I know how much it hurts, and I feel the same as you. Not good enough. I contributed to this break up and it was my fault. It sucks I know. I hope you will get through this. I hope the same for me. I think the NC rule is good. I think you will get better. It will be hard but someday you will be okay. You will find someone who loves you just as you are, all the good and the bad stuff.
Bialy Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I know you're feeling sad, but this breakup could be the best thing to happen to you. Why? You can start on a path of self improvement and personal growth. You can't change how things transpired and the breakup itself - BUT you can take steps to be active, regain your identity, do new things, refocus your life. These things stick out to me most in your post: I admit that I am hard to get along with during arguments, I just didn't think he would give up on me. On your part, you were difficult and uncompromising during fights and disagreements. You also didn't think he would give up on you, which means you took the relationship for granted. Going forward, you'll know the value of compromise and listening to a partner, and asking how they're feeling. Men aren't that different from women in that respect --- they want to know their partner is listening to them and cares about their feelings. We met up a couple of times to try to talk and work things out, but all that led to was him saying hurtful things to me, like he can't stand me and that I'm a loser that needs to find friends and go out more, and that there was so many things he hated about me. Think of it this way --- he was giving you clear insights on why things went downhill. There will be no reconciliation -- he was very clear by listing everything that bothered him - getting back together is not an option. This is not to say that he is without fault --- but as the dumper, he outlined why he could never get back together again. Going forward, to make yourself a stronger person and partner, you need to be mindful of work-life balance. Be active! Discover new hobbies and passions. Meet people along the way --- it's not easy at first --- it's a process. Meetup.com is a good starting place if you're trying to branch out and not sure where to start -- if you live near a metropolitan area, there will be far more options beyond Meetup.com, of course. Breakups suck --- but, with time, things get better. It's cliche but very true: staying active, having fun, meeting up with friends and new people --- all of this helps a lot.
JFReyes Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Am I going to be okay? Yes, you will be but it will take some time so be patient and go easy on yourself. You'll have your ups and downs, and perhaps he's having GIGS (that would explain the speed of the new hookup) that he may regret later and try to come back; or perhaps not. In the meantime keep NC. The important thing is that you take the time to compose yourself and be clear headed about what you really want and need to feel happy. I went through something similar (though I'm male) 3 years ago with my gf who dumped me after 10 years. About a year after the b/u I realized that I had to move on and soon after that I met a wonderful woman; we've been together since and I have no regrets. I wish you the best.
lana-banana Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 (edited) Yes. You're going to be okay. But that being said, you were together for nine years and you've only been NC for one month. You're not even out of the adjustment phase. Everything's still so fresh, and you're still struggling against nearly a decade of life together. Now is now the time to worry about moving on; that comes much, much later. Now is the time to be kind to yourself. - Don't beat yourself up for your feelings. Recognize them, honor them, and then let them pass. Think of them like ocean waves. They may rush over you, batter you, even knock you down, but you don't need to fear them. The utter despair you feel in one moment isn't going to last forever. - Spend some time learning about yourself. You may discover parts of yourself you'd like to change or things you wish were different. That's okay! That's great, even. But you should also recognize everyone else is crazy, broken and unlovable too. You are not going to be alone forever. You're already not alone, you're going through one of the most universal human experiences. - Exercise, and I don't mean just a little bit on the elliptical. Push yourself as hard as you can manage. You need the endorphins! I will admit more than once I started a workout in tears, but after twenty minutes on the squat rack I felt worlds better. - Eat well. Healthy food will do wonders for your mood, ability to exercise, and overall well-being. Cooking may also give you a calming sense of structure and routine. If you don't have the energy to cook, this situation justifies spending $13 on a giant salad. Yes, you're going to be okay. You're going to be more than okay. I know you don't believe me but sometime in the surprisingly near future you're going to be the best version of yourself, getting better every day. This relationship and this breakup do not define who you are, only you can define that. And now you can start defining who that is. Edited August 7, 2016 by lana-banana
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 @Purity. Let's be honest here...no one knows if you are going to be "okay." Total strangers on an online forum do not KNOW if you are going to be okay. I have friends who, after a serious relationship, still muck up future relationships b/c of their past experiences. The key here is to do what some of the others are saying...improve YOURSELF. Look back on this lengthy (9 years and no proposal? wow...) relationship and examine what happened. Do no repeat them. Make yourself a better, changed, person and THEN you should be okay. Fail to do this and you will find and future partners, unfortunately, that your past has made you more difficult to date, have a relationship with. Learn from this and improve yourself for your future partner. 1
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