Relove910 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I have been dating this guy for a year now and I'm not sure where it's going to go. See he is 34 and I am a 23 year old college senior. He's a captain in the army and he was just promoted closer to where I attend school. He has cooked me dinner, taken me out, layed up and watched movies on his couch and talked about everyday life. The last time I seen him physically was in December of last year, but we always keep in contact every other day and sometimes weeks we don't even communicate. When he texts he'll send messages like "I miss you" or "Thinking of you", send me pictures on what he looks like on that day and he also shares with me his accomplishments as well. He recently received his doctorates as well, so he's very successful. My mother thinks that he's just waiting for me to graduate college to take our relationship to the next level. He expresses to me all the time that he's not seeing anyone else, but I don't really believe that. I really like this guy and I think we can do great things together but I just don't want to keep holding on to something that might not happen 1
CarrieT Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Please, please, please understand that you are still at an age in your life when your frontal cortex is still attaching - and does not completely finish until your 28th or so year. What is the consequence of this? It's not that you don't have a frontal lobe. Or that you can't use it. But you are going to access it more slowly. This is because the nerve cells that connect your frontal lobes with the rest of your brains is sluggish and don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. What does this science stuff mean? In a nutshell, it means that your decision-making processes are all suspect and everything you think you want now will change in about five years. This all explains why people who get married in their early twenties often experience "a seven-year itch" where they want something entirely different in their early 30s. As this guy you are dating if he knew what he wanted ten years ago - or if what he wanted ten years ago is the same thing he wants now. Trust us on this one. I was someone who got married in my early 20s and desperately wanted something different by my late 20s... 2
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Don't you think if he wanted something more committed after your college he would tell you? I married a military at age 20 and he was 28. He was sent around the world months at a time so very busy as your guy. I was also in colllege when we met. That never kept him from committing to me. While l was still in college we made plans to get engaged and married at the end of my college. When we got married l actually had 6 months to go to graduate but we did not let that come in the way. So conclusion. If a man sees a future with you he will talk about it even if it's 1 or 2 even 3 years down the road. This guy here does not envision a future with you. Also him not seeing other women is not the same as being exclusive and GF/BF. Again if this man wanted you for himself, if he was afraid to lose you to another man, he would make you his GF. My opinion is this man is using you as a time filler. He enjoys having your attention, it stokes his ego, makes him feel wanted but nothing more than that. Finally a man that will value you will never not contact you for weeks at a time. Never! 2
ElevenAndraste Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 CarrieT wtf... Is that your actual logic? So if anyone under the age of 28 does something stupid it's accepted because it's safe to say we still have the mentality of a child? Personally, I'm 24 years old, and along with myself I've known many others who encompasses maturity superior to those who a very much older. Like who did they do these study on? Retards? Excuse me but your response is very offensive to those under 28 who are very much grounded, has their head screwed on and KNOWS what they want out of life. Goodbye
SevenCity Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 CarrieT wtf... Is that your actual logic? So if anyone under the age of 28 does something stupid it's accepted because it's safe to say we still have the mentality of a child? Personally, I'm 24 years old, and along with myself I've known many others who encompasses maturity superior to those who a very much older. Like who did they do these study on? Retards? Excuse me but your response is very offensive to those under 28 who are very much grounded, has their head screwed on and KNOWS what they want out of life. Goodbye I don't think it was directed at any one person but it's common that women in their early 20s want something different once they get to their late 20s. 2
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I don't think it was directed at any one person but it's common that women in their early 20s want something different once they get to their late 20s. Yes but it does not mean they should not engage in a committed relationship or for that matter pick a career. Our educational system requires we pick a career around 18 it's a major live and financial decision and as per Carrie we should not make these types of devision before 28? You can enter a marriage at 23,24 or 25. It does not mean you cannot pursue any other kind of dream like career, travelling, etc. Once in your 30s 40s 50s 1
Justanaverageguy Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 (edited) CarrieT wtf... Is that your actual logic? So if anyone under the age of 28 does something stupid it's accepted because it's safe to say we still have the mentality of a child? Personally, I'm 24 years old, and along with myself I've known many others who encompasses maturity superior to those who a very much older. Like who did they do these study on? Retards? Excuse me but your response is very offensive to those under 28 who are very much grounded, has their head screwed on and KNOWS what they want out of life. Goodbye The nativity of youth I know exactly what I want .... and it is what I shall always want. The old only know more because they had to go through these years and deal with the fallout. I think what CarrieT said was a little bit too science jargon but essentially its true. At your age I would have said the same thing but generally speaking people undergo huge changes around the ages 28-30. Its not always with their relationships it could be another area of their life. Their occupation for example. Even before we had science and technology to study these things hundreds and even thousands of years back societies observed and recognized the great changes and upheavals that occur at this exact age in humans. Most cultures considered 29 the age you became a "true adult" and started the second phase of your life. In many western and eastern areas that followed astrology they called this time the return of Saturn because a complete orbit of the planet takes approx 29 years and the orbit matched exactly with the huge life changes that usually occurred in people at this age. I'm not saying you need to believe in Astrology (though you may well do so) all you have to understand is that this transitional age in humans when many things are changed has been known about for literally thousands of years. Our modern science has a new view on why - but the conclusion on what happens is pretty much the same as we had 2000 years ago. All I can say is when you get to 28 hold onto your hat - **** can get real. A time of great change, challenges and growth https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return The Saturn Return - Description, Significance in Astrology Edited August 7, 2016 by Justanaverageguy 1
Emilia Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Which army? British? Why haven't you seen him since December? Some British troops are deployed abroad currently but not many and usually not for more than 6 months. If he hasn't been out of the country on deployment then he has someone else. edit: take that back, 'college senior' is not a British term. Still hard to believe he wouldn't have had the opportunity to see you 1
DramaInPajamas Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Please, please, please understand that you are still at an age in your life when your frontal cortex is still attaching - and does not completely finish until your 28th or so year. What is the consequence of this? It's not that you don't have a frontal lobe. Or that you can't use it. But you are going to access it more slowly. This is because the nerve cells that connect your frontal lobes with the rest of your brains is sluggish and don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. What does this science stuff mean? In a nutshell, it means that your decision-making processes are all suspect and everything you think you want now will change in about five years. This all explains why people who get married in their early twenties often experience "a seven-year itch" where they want something entirely different in their early 30s. As this guy you are dating if he knew what he wanted ten years ago - or if what he wanted ten years ago is the same thing he wants now. Trust us on this one. I was someone who got married in my early 20s and desperately wanted something different by my late 20s... My best friend got married in her early 30s and now wants something different at late 30s. My old boss married her college sweetheart whom she had been with since she was 19 and at nearly 50 they are still deeply in love. Your advice is nonsense. You cannot ever generalize 1
Justanaverageguy Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Your advice is nonsense. You cannot ever generalize But your comment that you cannot ever generalize is actually a generalization. 2
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think the age gap is not as relevant as the fact she has not seen him in the flesh since December 2015 and the fact they spend weeks not communicating at all. I highly doubt he has had no opportunity to see the OP in 8 months... Do not waste all your college years, with all the accompanying dating opportunities, waiting for this man. 1
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