Maybe There Isn't an Answer

[katiegrl]

OP, at the risk of offending, and I apologize in advance if I do..... your relationships are dysfunctional NOT because there was chemistry, but because *YOU* are dysfunctional .... you have admitted it yourself, you have intimacy and commitment issues that turn what might be an otherwise beautiful relationship with lots of good positive energy into something toxic.

 

Chemistry or lack thereof has nothing to do with THAT.

 

I told you what most if not all women are looking for, this is about "them" and "their" experience and why "they" don't become attracted to you.

 

But once again, you flip it back to YOU and *your* experience.

 

This why many folks deem you *intense*. And self-centered as well.

 

Step away from yourself and your own ego... and try seeing things from the other person's perspective and what they might be experiencing and feeling..

 

Stop assigning blame to them and Look Within.

 

Again, apologies if this offends, not my intention.

Edited August 9, 2016 by katiegrl

[Wave Rider]

That may be an individual thing, reflecting attachment patterns. When I feel chemistry, it tends to be for positive reason, not bad reason. Thus, I married the person I had the most chemistry with, and it's a good thing. Of course, I didn't marry only on that basis; time is needed to know if there is compatibility on top of chemistry.

 

Well yeah, and that's the problem. Yeah, speaking of attachment styles, if you have secure attachment, which it sound like you do, you'll feel chemistry for other secure people, and your relationships are usually successful. For people like me who have insecure attachment, we feel chemistry for other insecure people, and our relationships are usually disasters. I just don't feel chemistry for people with secure attachment, and apparently they don't feel chemistry for me.

 

It is for exactly this reason that I've actually stopped using feelings of chemistry as a meter for who I want to ask on a date. Feelings of chemistry for me usually mean I'm about to become involved with someone who will be bad for me, so I have actually started trying to pursue women who would be a good match "on paper" but with whom I feel no chemistry, because if I don't feel chemistry for them it's actually more likely they'll have a secure attachment style and be a good partner.

 

So with this most recent date I'm talking about, no, there wasn't a lot of chemistry there, and that's exactly why I wanted to pursue her. We seemed like an excellent match on paper, but there wasn't much chemistry, which in my mind was a good thing. So I'm disappointed she didn't want to see me again.

 

Going by your threads here, you seem to hyper-analyze things and get very focused on your personal experience. Of course, that's what people do here, but are you asking her a lot of questions and encouraging her to share in kind?

Yeah, I asked her a fair amount about herself, and I tried to get her to share her feelings more, which she didn't seem to like doing too much. She had a lot of questions for me, mostly intellectual stuff, so we probably spent more time talking about me. But I did ask her about herself, and her answers were more intellectual and not very emotional or intimate.

[katiegrl]

Well yeah, and that's the problem. Yeah, speaking of attachment styles, if you have secure attachment, which it sound like you do, you'll feel chemistry for other secure people, and your relationships are usually successful. For people like me who have insecure attachment, we feel chemistry for other insecure people, and our relationships are usually disasters. I just don't feel chemistry for people with secure attachment, and apparently they don't feel chemistry for me.

 

It is for exactly this reason that I've actually stopped using feelings of chemistry as a meter for who I want to ask on a date. Feelings of chemistry for me usually mean I'm about to become involved with someone who will be bad for me, so I have actually started trying to pursue women who would be a good match "on paper" but with whom I feel no chemistry, because if I don't feel chemistry for them it's actually more likely they'll have a secure attachment style and be a good partner.

 

So with this most recent date I'm talking about, no, there wasn't a lot of chemistry there, and that's exactly why I wanted to pursue her. We seemed like an excellent match on paper, but there wasn't much chemistry, which in my mind was a good thing. So I'm disappointed she didn't want to see me again.

 

 

Yeah, I asked her a fair amount about herself, and I tried to get her to share her feelings more, which she didn't seem to like doing too much. She had a lot of questions for me, mostly intellectual stuff, so we probably spent more time talking about me. But I did ask her about herself, and her answers were more intellectual and not very emotional or intimate.

 

Arghh again all about you, you, you.

 

Chemistry/energy is *mutual*.... so if you are seeking out women with whom you feel no chemistry, then guess what...."they* won't be feeling it with you either.

 

Hence why no second date, they don't feel any chemistry with you! Just like I said before.

 

I have a novel idea. instead of seeking out women with whom you feel no chemistry which will almost guarantee you no second date...... why not get help for your intimacy and anxiety issues ?

[Wave Rider]

You mentioned in past threads that women have become disinterested during conversation. Did that happen on these dates?

 

OK, maybe I have an answer for this now. Yes, this does happen, and I had an experience that might have showed me why. In the last week I've reconnected with an old female friend who I actually didn't know super well when we were both attending church a few years ago in Nor Cal. I told her that I'd like her to come visit me in So Cal, and she seems warm to the idea. She's been quite open about discussing sex and her sexual experiences with me. We video chatted last night (she lives in Utah), during which time she was getting ready to go country dancing. She probably drank two beers during our conversation, and she showed me the beer she keeps in her shower, and she was drunk by the end of our conversation. Based the stories she told me of her sexual adventures, I'd estimate that she's had at least 15 sexual partners in the last 4-5 years.

 

Even though I was very engaged in the conversation with her last night, I woke up this morning with a different feeling. My gut instinct based on what she's told me and what I've seen is that she has some serious problems with impulse control. There were red flags all over place that she was quite impulsive and struggled with self-control in certain areas, even though her professional life as a nurse seems reasonably normal. This gave me worries that getting involved with her might be trouble.

 

The principle here is that if someone has a major personality liability, like problems with impulse control, other people might be interested in them for a time, but will wander off as soon as the red flags become impossible to ignore.

 

So maybe that's what's going on with me. In person I'm reasonably good-looking and even a little charming, which does often draw women to me. But perhaps when they see some major personality liability in me, they lose interest in me, because the red flags become impossible to ignore. What is that personality liability? It might be neuroticism, which I am hoping to have a conversation about in this thread. It's a personality trait that gives a person a propensity for negative emotions, negative experiences, and "bad luck."

 

Some of you have described me as "intense." Perhaps what you actually meant was "neurotic."

 

Perhaps this finally answers my question about why women often seem interested in me at first, then suddenly seem to get turned off and leave.

Edited August 26, 2016 by Wave Rider

[Eternal Sunshine]

If those girls really had emotional intimacy issues, it's WAY, WAY too early for that to show up on the first date. It's likely due to something else.

 

I rejected a guy recently who was too sexually aggressive on the first date. While a little kiss is fine, full on make out is too much for me and I start to get "all about sex" vibe. If he hasn't done that, I would have given him another date but life is too short to waste time so I went with my instincts.

 

A lot of advice written for men is geared towards getting sex ASAP or finding casual sex partners. If you are looking for a relationship, all of that advice is a turn off to be honest. There is so much in between being "needy and passive" and being "bold and aggressive".

[Imajerk17]

Well, I'll post here. Actually, I'm not sure you come across as "just" neurotic. There may be something deeper going on.

 

I remember you writing that thread about how you felt let down by Disney. I found it extremely bizarre seeing something like that coming from a grown male's mouth, but I found it EVEN MORE bizarre that YOU didn't seem to realize how strange and weird you sounded. Anyway I could picture you saying something truly odd (and not even realizing how odd it was) to your first dates and turning them off.

 

I know this question sounds mean, but it is germane to this topic: What made all of your previous therapists (or yourself) decide that they couldn't work with you?

Edited August 27, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Wave Rider]

I know this question sounds mean, but it is germane to this topic: What made all of your previous therapists (or yourself) decide that they couldn't work with you?

 

For my previous 2 therapists, I left because I felt like the therapy wasn't helping. I showed up and did the exercises and put in the work, but my symptoms didn't seem to be improving.

 

I don't know if loveshack is the place for these kinds of questions because people seem to want to attack my character. People seem to want to believe that I've failed morally rather than psychologically, and that isn't helpful.

[xxoo]

 

Some of you have described me as "intense." Perhaps what you actually meant was "neurotic."

 

This sentence exemplifies how intense you are.

 

Like I said earlier on the thread, you hyper-analyze. Everything. To the point that it loses its meaning. It's probably an effect of what that psychology theorist labels "neuroticism", but to someone you are interacting with (not a professional), you just come across as "intense", like a dog with a bone that he just won't let go of. It's a good quality in situations where thoroughness and attention to detail is needed, but not in personal relationships or conversation.

[Mkn1010]

I just want to say that I feel like everyone here is giving you a really hard time!

 

Everyone's different! I'm intense and neurotic, maybe that means I'll be single forever... Who knows! But I don't like the suggestions about you needing to change YOU to get beyond the first date. There are all kinds is people out there, a lot of whom would adore everything about you just as you are. If your approach doesn't work for some, move ahead to someone that's a better fit!

[Wave Rider]

I just want to say that I feel like everyone here is giving you a really hard time!

 

Everyone's different! I'm intense and neurotic, maybe that means I'll be single forever... Who knows! But I don't like the suggestions about you needing to change YOU to get beyond the first date. There are all kinds is people out there, a lot of whom would adore everything about you just as you are. If your approach doesn't work for some, move ahead to someone that's a better fit!

 

Thank you, Mkn1010! I sometimes feel less inclined to post here because people are so mean, but then I remember Mark Manson's article Why Everyone on the Internet Is an *******, and I decide to post anyway because there are usually a couple responses, like those from xxoo, that are empathetic and helpful.

[Mkn1010]

Ps I also feel let down by Disney so I guess we're both total weirdos

[Popsicle]

Yeah something put her off on the date and it wasn't your looks. It was something you said or did or your attitude. You have to figure out what it is.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Popsicle