Should I break up with him?

[MissSecret]

Hello everyone,

 

I signed up to this page because for a couple of months I have been having thoughts about breaking up my relationship. So here's the story:

 

I'm in my mid-twenties, he is too. I live in his home country (although he wasn't the reason I came here, I met him after half year of living here).

 

We met through a dating app in at the beginning of 2015, I was feeling very lonely, haven't made friends yet at that time... I didn't wanted a relationship, he said he didn't either. After two months we were together, I've already met his mother and he met my family too. He was moving to another city, I didn't have anything that tied me to that place so I decided to follow. Everything was great. Happiness and lots of sex.

 

Once we moved to the new city, we moved in a big room with his friends. I rented a room for myself, but basically I lived at his place. Plus, he was sick for months, so I wanted to take care of him. The sex stopped, but I blamed the sickness. He had a surgery at the end of the year, so I thought it all would be over.

 

Before Christmas, we rented a place just for ourselves. It was quite expensive, and since we moved to the new city, I was the only one who worked, he depended on his parents sending him money.

 

Things weren't great but they weren't but either. But since it was only the two of us, things changed. He wasn't helping to clean that much anymore. I was killing myself with four different jobs, while he was still getting money from his parents, and I have a feeling he was telling them that we both need it, even though I was paying my half of the rent and all shared expenses.

 

He decided to start his own company, he was very passionate about it, cause it was work from home (what he always wanted). But he didn't get many clients, I got him all of the clients he had, he was feeling down and failed. I tried to help him out, to cheer him up... It looked like it was ok.

 

Couple of months ago, we moved to another place, and since then things were going down. We started to fight a lot, he got on my nerves about every little thing he did. I got tired of him always asking his parents for money instead of moving his ass and finding a job. Whenever I mentioned it, he was attacking me back.

 

He was spending most of his time at home, I was working basically from Monday to Sunday. I hoped he at least would help around the house. Every time I came back from work and saw a huge pile of things to wash in the sink and the living room totally untidied, I was very angry. He always said that he's focusing on his company, he's working and learning new things, and he doesn't have time for unimportant things.

 

Recently we went for a trip to visit my family in my country. We have been planning this trip for a while, I was looking forward to disconnecting from the daily routine and seeing my family. Unfortunately, he doesn't speak my native language, neither my family speak English, so he had it quite hard to cope. And I understand him, cause I know how it feels when you go to a foreign country where you don't have a clue what they're talking to you about.

 

But that didn't excuse the fact that he wouldn't help around at my family's place, or that he was avoiding spending time with them, going away to sit on his computer all the time. I told him that, and he would attack back. I saw the huge difference between the two of us, realised that he is just lazy. I probably shouldn't have, but I compared him to my cousin's husbands, who worked their asses of just to provide their families with the best they could.

 

I guess that would be enough reasons to break up with him. BUT I know he really loves me, and I don't know if I love him back, if I am just disappointed at him that he isn't the way I want him to be... He makes me feel good about myself, apart of what I said about him, he's a good guy, intelligent, interesting, good looking...

 

Am I exaggerating about all the things? Maybe I just feel insecure, that he isn't providing and always relaying on his parents to pay things for him? I'm not sure if I can imagine a future with him, but whenever I think about breaking up I feel like it would be wrong. What should I do?

[Blanco]

Sounds like you made a fairly major decision (moving with him) while you were still in the infatuation phase. Now, the shimmer is gone and you're left with who you both are; not the best versions of yourselves you presented in the beginning.

[Pud]

You need to talk to him, tell him the things your not happy with, maybe suggest he gets a part time job and still concentrates on his business.

 

Ask him to think about life without you in it, it might open his eyes to actually see where your coming from.

 

If he does love you and want to keep hold of you he will help more and get him self a job.

 

Good luck in what ever you decide

[MissSecret]

Sounds like you made a fairly major decision (moving with him) while you were still in the infatuation phase. Now, the shimmer is gone and you're left with who you both are; not the best versions of yourselves you presented in the beginning.

 

I realised that, do you think there's a chance..?

[MissSecret]

You need to talk to him, tell him the things your not happy with, maybe suggest he gets a part time job and still concentrates on his business.

 

Ask him to think about life without you in it, it might open his eyes to actually see where your coming from.

 

If he does love you and want to keep hold of you he will help more and get him self a job.

 

Good luck in what ever you decide

 

Every time I start saying anything about him getting a job he gets angry at me and says something mean back... He realises about his/our economical situation, he knows I'm putting money I earn apart for savings, but he always referes to it as OUR money which makes me angry (after all it's me who's cleaning other people's toilets).

 

Before I didn't mind that he always got his money from his parents, as long as he had his half for rent and other expenses. But now it's bothering me that this way we can't plan a future together, he doesn't give me any stability! It might sound like a showinistic comment, but I want my man to earn money for the family (even though I will still work and collaborate with all the expenses).

 

I just want him to have some ambition, some willing of making plans of future, what if we want to buy a house, or get married, or have a child. I feel like I can't relay on him. And everytime I start this kind of conversation he changes a topic or starts a fight.

[MissSecret]

Everyday there's something to fight about... I'm not sure if I like myself anymore when I'm with him. I feel like I am not the person I used to be. Now I can always find a reason to be angry about. Even as simple as socks on the floor.

[Blanco]

Everyday there's something to fight about... I'm not sure if I like myself anymore when I'm with him. I feel like I am not the person I used to be. Now I can always find a reason to be angry about. Even as simple as socks on the floor.

 

See, I read stuff like this, and then I have to ask, "Why would you want there to even be a chance with this guy?"

 

Most relationships either plateau or decline as time goes on. I've found this to be especially true when there's a fair amount of conflict relatively early on (i.e. the first year), because if cracks are already showing up in the foundation so soon, what realistic chance is there that it will get better? Sorry, but it usually doesn't. If anything, it gets worse.

 

I can relate to being in a relationship where you, for whatever reason(s), want it to work out, even though the evidence shows that you would be better off out of it. I can relate to feeling like you're no longer yourself with your partner, which is a lonely feeling on par with getting dumped.

 

End this.

[Captivating]

Every time I start saying anything about him getting a job he gets angry at me and says something mean back... He realises about his/our economical situation, he knows I'm putting money I earn apart for savings, but he always referes to it as OUR money which makes me angry (after all it's me who's cleaning other people's toilets).

 

.....

 

I just want him to have some ambition, some willing of making plans of future, what if we want to buy a house, or get married, or have a child. I feel like I can't relay on him. And everytime I start this kind of conversation he changes a topic or starts a fight.

 

You are right, he needs to grow up and be responsible. He needs to work!

 

His parents enabling this behavior, probably spoiled him. You shouldn't.

 

You need to tell him what you wrote above here in the quote - at least once.

Try to have a peaceful conversation with him about this when he listens.

 

<Women tend to help their men too much (out of love) and demasculating them in the process (you are getting him clients). >

 

If things won't change....then you know what to do.

[MissSecret]

I'm gonna do it, next week when my sister leaves. I don't want all the drama while she is here.

 

Things aren't easy. When I was in my country, I went to meet my cousin, and there was the guy I was in love with for so many years... We went to play pool, we had a beer. Nothing happened, but I can feel that we can still feel something for each other.

 

He isn't the perfect guy, in fact he has many down sides. Are all the feelings rising inside me just from a fear to be alone?

 

What should I do, tell me, my good souls, what should I do?

[Blanco]

Definitely don't monkey-branch to the next guy. At best, it'll look like he's the reason you ended this relationship. At worst, he'll just be a temporary salve on the emotional burn that usually comes from a breakup.