I pushed him away because I was afraid, but I love him....

[endlesslove]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, and this is a long story.

A year ago, we started to work together. I was not interested at the begining, he is not my type, he is even younger than me and I have never liked younger guys. We started to be really good friends very soon, we have a gret chemestry together, everyone who has seen us together think we have or had a relationship. Everyone started to tell me that it was very obvious that he really liked me.

I haven't been in a relationship for many years, the last 2 relationships I had left me very hurt so I decided not to have a relationship for a while.

I denied to myself for too long that I wasn't interested on him, but truth is I started to have feelings for him.

He is the sweetest guy ever, he was always making me laugh, always been sally... uuuuugh ! started to be way to much for me, trying to fight my feelings especially because he never said anything directly to me. My insecurities and my fear made me do things to push him away. Like laughing at something that he would say, because I didn't know how to respond to that, even when I wanted to say ooooh ! that is so sweet, thank you.

One day he was really upset with me because he said I care more for other people comments instead of his compliments to me, a few minutes after he said in front of me he just invited someone on a date (a woman who was chasing him for months, and he didn't pay too much attention before that night he got mad at me). They started to date, I stopped talking to him, well, at least we were not talking as much as before, basically it was only for work, when before we were together all the time and having wine nights, and long talks.

After a couple of month we started to talk again, and we started to be back to normal. He was super sweet again, I moved to another area so we don't see each other every day as before, we started to go out once in a while, I used to visit the other area just to see him. But I always tried no to show him it was about him. I know, I know, I've been so stupid.

Now things got really weird between us, and I know is mostly my fault.

Everything was going really well, but again, my fear to show him that I really really like him, and even have feelings for him, made me act really stupid.

I don't knoe how to get him back, we really don't talk anymore.

Everytime we see each other he always hugs me, I've been avoiding that, the last time I saw him I was basically ignoring him because it was so painful to see him when everything is so weird but he said "let ke give you a hug". And yesterday I went to see him and I asked him what is going on? why is so weird everything between us? he just said I don't know.

And I know is me. I know he doesn't understand why I've pushed him away in a horrible way. I know I have hurted him.

I miss him so much. I really really love him and what is really important for me is keep his friendship. I love him very much.

I don't know what to do, what should I do?

Edited August 6, 2016 by endlesslove

[smudge21]

I think at this point you have three choices: don't do anything and just let fate intervene, however running the risk that this will be painful for a long time. Option two is to walk away and stay away, realise you may have messed up but in the same sense, there's two adults here and either of you could've stepped things up, the pressure shouldn't just be on you. Final option is to make a move. Tell him how you feel and how you regret pushing him away. Jump in feet first and take a chance. You opened up to a group of strangers online, so why not to someone you truly care about?

 

Personally for me, I always think it's the things you DON'T do in life that you live to regret. Yeah, sometimes you do things and wish you hadn't, but there's been times I've missed out on things and regretted them so much, wishing I could put time back and just see if something great could've happened. Plus, by stepping up at least you get a definite answer; whether that be closure for you to move on, or the possibility of something more. I know it's hard, but it's your life and you only get one of them. Just don't regret whatever decision you make. Know that you did it for you and you alone, whatever the outcome. Good luck.