I’m forced to see my Ex, how should I act around her?

[gurtlin286]

The story

My girlfriend [24] of nearly 2 years broke up with me [25] about a month ago. After many lies I found the truth that she cheated on me and is now starting a new relationship.

I was blinded sided by all of this. Just a week before the incident we had plans to travel across the country. I was out of town when she cheated and she continued to tell me she loved me and talking about our relationship over the phone. Things between us had been rocky and we did not communicate as deeply as we once did. But I still treated her well and was trying to improve things between us.

After I got the truth out of her she told me she still wanted to be good friends and talk things out. I took it as a sign for a second chance and tried to fix things.. Eventually begging for her back. Which just drove her further from me. I haven’t talk to her since, other than scheduling for her to pick up her things from my place (we lived together for about a year) but made sure not to see her when she came over, leaving her stuff outside and going out of the house while she picked it up.

 

She is a very insecure and impulsive girl, her life is filled with hardships, drug abuse, body image problems and sexual abuse. Our relationship had many moments of jealously and arguments. She always asked if I could “handle her”, if we were “compatible” and thought she wasn’t “good enough” for me. Throughout the relationship I was able to manage these situations, but after living together, going to school together and spending every moment with each other for the past year I was drained. Our last fight together I unknowingly told her something that may have come across as a quasi break up, hinting that two incompatible people shouldn’t be together. I deeply regret this considering it was our first long distance fight and didn’t realize the connotation behind the comment. Which I believe ultimately drove her to cheat, she probably thought I would eventually leave her.

 

I am trying not to blame myself for what happen and instead learn from my mistakes. The truth is she was first love and first true adult relationship… And I still love her regardless of what happened.

The biggest issue I am dealing with is the fact that we have three classes together next semester and I have to see/interact with her four days a week. I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to be friends with her but know it’s not possible considering I still have strong feelings for her.

School starts in few weeks and I don’t think I’ll be prepared to see her again by then. I really need to focus on my education and am doing everything in my power to move on. But in my heart I still long for her.

 

Anyone have advice on how to interact with her? I can’t simply ignore her, we are in a very small program and have many mutual friends together. And the nature of our programs forces us to interact through projects and discussions.

It seems like she feels guilty for being caught and has a need to be liked, that’s the only reason I think she wants to be friends with me. I however cannot accept this considering I haven’t been able to forgive her yet. I’d love to be friends with her, but not now, I am not ready for that.

 

Please help.

 

P.S. I also have more of things to return to her and some minor logistics to settle (shared accounts, financials, etc) should I approach her about this, or wait for her?

 

EDIT: Read the the No Contact Guide, helped out a lot.

Edited August 6, 2016 by gurtlin286

[Bialy]

It's too soon to be friends at this time. TOO SOON. You need time to take care of YOU -- regain YOU and YOUR essence. Sort out the logistics swiftly (financials, etc) that you mention --- but with the mindset that you need to move forward.

 

You can't save her or fix her history of body image issues, substance abuse, and drug abuse. She needs to take proactive steps and demonstrate to herself that she can overcome these obstacles to build a strong, meaningful life.

 

And if she says she can't --- don't believe it. It CAN happen. I meet people everyday who have been through similar hardships and struggles. They are on the road to recovery and they are surviving and THRIVING.

 

You can't do this for her. You CAN'T fix her.

 

Be supportive from afar and detach --- you need space and time away to regain YOU.

 

If she is not taking proactive steps in her life, she is an energy vampire.

 

This will emotionally drain you and make it hard for you to move forward in your life.

[Rng]

I'm going through practically the same thing as you. My ex of 2.5 years broke up with me about a month ago after going on a school trip that was required for graduation and cheating on me.

 

Communication drastically fell off after 2 weeks of her being there, in which she had met this other guy, and when I confronted her about what was going on she basically told me she never loved me and that she was just using me until "someone better" came along.

 

After this call, she refused to talk any further about it and left me in a state of emotional turmoil for 4 weeks. Even after her trip had ended, she decided to drive around the country with this guy camping and stayed at his place 3 hours from here the night before she actually got home, 10 days later than she was originally supposed to be back. It has been the absolute worst experience of my life, and I still don't understand how someone can be so vile.

 

Just like your situation, she has jealousy, insecurity, and confidence issues so much that simply looking in the general direction of other women in public would depress her and ruin the day. It became very taxing to cater to this kind of behavior, as I didn't feel like I could really do anything with her without her ending up upset about something.

 

I don't think there's really anything you can do for people like this. They aim to fill the hole in their lives with the attention, admiration, and approval of others while avoiding the issues within themselves and never resolving anything.

 

If I had to choice but to see her on a daily basis again, I would keep the interaction with her minimal only talk about things that relate to the class. Don't sit near her or acknowledge her unless you have to.

 

Neither you nor I have any choice but to move forward by learning from the mistakes we've made and being more picky in who we choose to let into our lives and trust in the future.

 

Best of luck!

[fromheart]

If someone asks you, 'Can you handle me?' this is a sign of trouble to come. She can't handle herself is the truth.

 

Someone with issues such as she has, isn't ready for intimacy. Its nothing to do with you, she'll do the same thing to any man in her life. She needs to get herself therapy, otherwise she'll always tread over somebody.

 

Go as much no contact as possible, for as long as possible. Only talk to her if you absolutely need to. Best for you, and best for her.

 

Take some time to look after yourself, getting cheated on can be a big emotional blow.

[LostOnes05]

Dude why would you want to eventually be her friend? When she was supposed to be that and more to/for you, she failed miserably by cheating. And please, for the sake of your manhood do not blame yourself for her cheating unless you told her to do so. NO ONE makes another person cheat...that's a personal choice (emphasis on choice).

 

The same way she told you she loved you, etc. while she was cheating is the same way your friendship would be now that she is in a new relationship. I wish I had someone to kick me in the family jewels the first time I was cheated on. I suffered a lot within my own mind because of how long the relationship was. Now, the second time it happened (diff. person)...sure, it hurt but it's moreso that I had feelings for someone that knew what happened before to me and did that as well...someone I find repulsive now. But when they reached out trying to stay in communication, I definitely wasn't having that.

 

You are better off without her. Why long for a cheater? Would you let someone stab you in the back and let them ask for friendship when you finally turn to see who did it? Focus on healing and being the best possible you. Best of luck and be strong.

[BC1980]

Only speak to her about school, and realize this situation is not permanent. When do you finish your degree? Don't start any conversations with her that are not school related. Don't ask about family, the weather, anything. A polite smile is the only acknowledgement necessary.

[Satu]

"Now love is over. And I would have, now love is over, An end to all, an end: I cannot, having been your lover, Stoop to become your friend!"

 

— Arthur Symons, "After Love."

 

 

Take care.

[gurtlin286]

Dude why would you want to eventually be her friend? When she was supposed to be that and more to/for you, she failed miserably by cheating. And please, for the sake of your manhood do not blame yourself for her cheating unless you told her to do so. NO ONE makes another person cheat...that's a personal choice (emphasis on choice).

 

The same way she told you she loved you, etc. while she was cheating is the same way your friendship would be now that she is in a new relationship. I wish I had someone to kick me in the family jewels the first time I was cheated on. I suffered a lot within my own mind because of how long the relationship was. Now, the second time it happened (diff. person)...sure, it hurt but it's moreso that I had feelings for someone that knew what happened before to me and did that as well...someone I find repulsive now. But when they reached out trying to stay in communication, I definitely wasn't having that.

 

You are better off without her. Why long for a cheater? Would you let someone stab you in the back and let them ask for friendship when you finally turn to see who did it? Focus on healing and being the best possible you. Best of luck and be strong.

 

Thanks for this.

 

I feel this way logically.

 

But my in heart I still lover her.. and I think about her every day.

 

Which pisses me off because I know I dwelling on her.

 

She is really funny, amazingly creative and just tons of fun.. Which is why I want to be friends.

 

Its been a month and I've doing my best to move on and work on myself. But that fact that I have see her in a few weeks is killing me. I'm not sure if I'll be ready..

[gurtlin286]

Only speak to her about school, and realize this situation is not permanent. When do you finish your degree? Don't start any conversations with her that are not school related. Don't ask about family, the weather, anything. A polite smile is the only acknowledgement necessary.

 

Very beautiful quote, thank you.

 

Only speak to her about school, and realize this situation is not permanent. When do you finish your degree? Don't start any conversations with her that are not school related. Don't ask about family, the weather, anything. A polite smile is the only acknowledgement necessary.

 

I have 3 semester with her left.. or another 1.5 years.

[BC1980]

Very beautiful quote, thank you.

 

 

 

I have 3 semester with her left.. or another 1.5 years.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. It's going to be hard to see her so much, but time can dull those feelings.