12 year relationship break up

[vixjade]

I'm suffering.

I was with my ex from the age of 18. We were kids but did everything together. Before I knew it, we were dating and life rolled on from there. College, work, moving in together, travelling, adopting animals, buying cars and a home. Renovating.

Experiencing everything life threw at us together. After 9 years (2013) we got engaged. And I never actually married him and I don't know why. I kept putting it off. We had reoccurring issues that I thought were minor over the years. I never realised my relationship was falling apart in the background.

 

January 2016, he broke up with me. Said we were different people who wanted different things. That we were on different paths. At the time I understood. He told me he had a connection with a girl he worked with (7 years younger than me) and that they had kissed in December and a week after I moved out, she was in my bed. I fought as hard as I could. I begged him for another chance. We have had so many ups and downs since the break up that I don't know if I'm coming or going. He's adamant that we have so much water under the bridge but I know things can be better.

 

It is now 6 months on and I am still so broken. My best friend is gone and has moved on. I've lost my home and my beautiful dogs.

I don't know how to let go.

[Bialy]

It hurts like hell! I'm sorry for your loss! It sounds like you might need to change how you are approaching your post-breakup. Your ex has moved on and it's time that you take steps to your own recovery.

 

Think about it this way -- you call him your best friend. Would a best friend dump you and shack up with someone soon after? That doesn't sound like a best friend to me.

 

Write a list of all of the negative things about the relationship --- what was WRONG with it? Write it all down and post it on a wall and/or carry it with you. This sounds odd, but it will help. Yes, there was some good, but the BAD outweighed it. In fact, please post all of the wrong in the relationship in your next post. This is a very important thing to do. We're here for you.

 

Have you unfriended him on all social media? If you don't - this will just continue to eat away at you and it will make it so hard to move forward.

 

What else have you been doing? The best approach is to stay active! Do things that you love and try new things too! Be proactive and hang out with friends.

 

Exercise helps A LOT. Do you have a bike? Start riding it regularly - a few times a week to clear your mind and get your endorphins up! Are you a member of a gym? Check out the class schedule -- group activities help out so much in distracting your mind and helping you refocus on YOU.

 

Go hiking! Find a club or Meetup group that has Saturday hikes.

 

What have you learned from this relationship? What will make YOU a better partner in the future? What are the qualities YOU bring to the table? You have so much life to live -- your ex has moved on completely --- you owe it to yourself to get active, stay motivated, and find your happiness.

Edited August 6, 2016 by Bialy

[vixjade]

@bialy thank you and you are right. I understand that. I know all the right things to do except I'm having such a hard time doing them.

 

Social media - I have had to block him. It was killing me. I was doing fine until one day I came home and felt so incredibly alone. I had to know. So I messaged a friend asking her to send me a screen shot of his IG profile. It broke me. I was so blissful unaware of what was going on but it hurt so much because there was never I time he used social media. He was one of those guys. And now all of a sudden he's posting her ? It made me feel worthless and ugly. And I told him, but he doesn't seem to care.

 

Exercise - I had never known depression nor been exposed to it until I walked into my GPs office with flu and he picked up on it. I was diagnosed with acute depression and prescribed antidepressants. Trying to exercise through all of this has been incredibly hard. I have no motivation nor drive. I eat when I am hungry and whatever I can find. Otherwise I don't eat at all.

Although I am trying, it hasn't been easy.

 

What was wrong with the relationship :

I can't see it now I was so blissfully happy and had no idea that he wasn't! We were so similar although he internalised everything and before I knew it, my world had collapsed.

I never wanted kids. I think it ate away at him.

I didn't marry him, which I think also killed him. I made mistakes, I know that now. I just wanted a chance to go back and be the perfect girl from him.

[gurtlin286]

I am so sorry you have to go this. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

 

The only thing I can say is distract yourself.

 

Any time spend reasoning what happen between to two of you is an endless pit.

 

I'm not sure where you are in your process of coping, but if you still need to grieve.. do it. Let all the emotions and out, don't hold back.

 

Book yourself solid. Find any and all ways to get out of your head. Put yourself out there, get into groups of people with common goals. Join a recreational sports league, try improv classes, volunteer at a local animal shelter. Do what ever involves meeting new people with similar interests.

It will be a challenge putting yourself out there but it's the best way to heal.

 

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD!!!!

 

If you still find yourself remunerating over the relationship talk it out or write in down. Do it enough to the point of exhaustion. To the point where your inner dialogue has had enough.

 

I've also found reading and commenting on other people going through similar situations helpful. (Hence why I am on these forums).

 

These are just my own humble opinions, my heart was broken recently as well and I found these things work for me.

 

It's great you are seeking support, I hope the best for you. Good luck.

[BluesPower]

gurtlin286 is right on. The thoughts about getting him back have got to go.

 

 

You seem to understand you made mistakes, we all do. Maybe you were not looking deep enough into the relationship and how he was feeling. But if he was not talkative about his feelings that can be hard to do.

 

 

Would it make you feel better if he actually had an affair and told you about is before he dumped you? Maybe he did maybe he did not, who knows.

 

 

You do seem to have understood that he want marriage and kids, and yet you seemed to blow that feeling that he had off.

 

 

Just work on yourself and move forward. This is a tough one, but you can do it, it just takes time.

 

 

Why did he get the house though? Did you get your buyout I hope?

[vixjade]

@gurtlin286 @BluesPower

 

Thank you. It's helpful to hear from people. As hard as the situation is, logic speaks loudly when you can't see it yourself.

I've found it different to throw myself into something to distract myself. I've been so hung up in feeling **** that I haven't been able to move forward. I've been searching for ways to reach out to him and make him feel the hurt that I have felt, which is precisely what he is trying to shut out and I can understand that.

 

I just haven't understood the way he's gone about everything. After being with someone for so many years, and asking them to marry you, surely there was a level of commitment you had to that person. To give them a chance or an ultimatum and not just give up and move on a week after I left the house ?

I have so many questions. I'm so lost and confused!

[BluesPower]

Some people don't talk about the needs and emotions. So they get to a point where they have made up their mind, in their mind , and they just go.

 

 

Overall, you might be better off. People with this mindset, are very difficult to understand as you are finding out.

 

 

You are still young, there is more out there for you. I can tell you this for sure, when you are young you really want to understand everything, but as you get older you realize that you can't and you start to let things go.

 

 

It sounds real simple and it is. You may never understand why he did things the way he did them, and at some point you have to get over it.

 

 

Might as well start now.

 

 

Good luck. You will be fine in time.

[whatnot]

You're story is heart wrenching. The pain you feel is real.. Many of us have been just where you are. (Including me). Let.me share a little perspective. Some may help....Some may not...or depends on what you do with it. Some is experience and some is opinion.

 

He may or may not have moved on with his life. (Opinion...hasn't). You will hear from this man again. You must take care of yourself and (this is the tough part) have the mindset that you will not. You must be willing to move ahead with your life. You must grieve and let your broken heart begin to heal. It will require a year and a half to two years for your life to be yours again. By "yours again" i mean you will become indifferent. Thats not to say he wont be a memory...he will be...for rhe rest of yoir life. Bit you will forge ahead, biild a new life, and not want to return. As you have learned, keeping in contact by spying on his life is painful. This is why keeping away from him is prudent. You will falter from time to time bit these weak times will.serve to move you forward. (Pain has a way of forcing the issue).

 

Get another dog. Get a dog, similar to what the two of you had. (I did this when I got my divorce and I believe it helped with the transition. Many will disagree). But some transition is necessary (in my opinion). Grieving itself is a transitional period from one life's chapter to the next). A dog will help.

 

 

He did not move on "in a week". A part of him is using her, to forget the pain of losing you. This is not to say he will come back. Bit...she does not have "the whole man". Do not hold out hope that he will return. Although this is nornal and a part of your grieving process, it also serves a a barrier to truly moving on with your life. At some point, you must and will, make the decision that "he's gone, no matter what. And i must move on with my life."

 

You are still young. (Very young, though you may not see the relevance of this at this time. But as time passes, you will).

 

Stay as busy as your depression will let you. A part of this I firmly believe, is a bit beyond our control. But a part of is is also an act of our conscious will.

 

Please give yourself the time you need to heal. Please do not make it easy for him to contact you in any way, shape, form or fashion (change you number if need be). This isn't for game's sake. It's to give you the room you need to reclaim YOUR life.

 

God speed....

 

The future is yours. And...you DO have one. You WILL love again.

 

Take care and good luck...

[vixjade]

@BluesPower @whatnot

 

Thank you again. And you are right. Why NOT start now ? I have been trying incredibly hard as I have been given no real choice. Life waits for no one!

 

Being the internalising person he is, when he ended things, he said his fight was already over. He fought the fought in his head - not with me. Of course it was over for him before I even had a chance to catch my breath. And before I knew it, everything was too late and he was gone, along with everything I treasured most.

 

I feel like I've been stuck as I haven't had any closure. He brushes me off and tells himself I am coping fine while he lives in his unaltered world, while I drown alone in mine.

 

I know I will get there. It's just such an overwhelming feeling to be left and replaced by someone you trusted more than anything in the world at the age of 30. To have to start again is devastating. Especially having only had one man in my life, my ENTIRE life! Where do I even begin.

[BluesPower]

Listen, I know you hurt, but you will survive this I promise. It is hard to get closure in a situation like this.

 

All of us have had felt this kind of pain before. It is, short of losing a child from what I hear, the worst kind of emotional pain you can have.

 

Let's look at reality for a second. You are 30 years old, babe that is young. I would take 30 in a heartbeat. Get yourself together, get hot and start living life. You really have your whole life ahead of you.

 

You can do anything that you want. You really have to start looking at things this way.

 

It may not feel like it, but maybe he did you a favor.

 

Hang in there.

[MzMelanie]

@vixjade - Just read your post and I can totally relate to your situation though I'm 10 years older than you I was with my ex for 10 years. We too lived together for part of the time and were engaged as well. I never did make wedding plans as I was content with how things were. He never wanted kids and I was unsure so that was holding me back. I sort of felt like there wasn't really a need to get married unless we were to have kids. He looked at it as thought I never wanted to move forward with him. I was completely committed to him but he didn't see it that way. In the end he ended up leaving me for someone else too. And we also had gotten a puppy together so I can understand your attachment to the dogs as well. It's like double the heartbreak. Early on during the breakup I was still going over his house to see the dog but then I would snoop and see stuff that belonged to the new girlfriend there and it just killed me. I couldn't and still don't understand how he could replace me just like that. I know he feels guilt and misses me as he has told me these things. I am just trying to stay busy and focus on me and not what he is doing. It is extremely hard though. I do have the dog over every once and a while and he makes me feel better. Everyone keeps telling me I should get my own dog but I too have been suffering from depression and just don't have the energy to take care of a dog full time. Anyway hugs to you.

[vixjade]

@MzMelanie

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It's unexplainable pain which can take you to some pretty awful lows.

Not that this is any consolation but you are fortunate to get to see your dog. They are truly able to put a smile on your face, even in the hard times.

 

I can totally relate to the early stages of the breakup - going over to the house to see the dogs and my heart starting to race when you see things of hers there. I felt totally betrayed and worthless. Like, what was i really in his life ?

I've come to learn that no matter where this life takes us - he does and always will care about me - I just wish I want to be enough for him to want and need in his life.

 

Depression is certainly not for the faint hearted. I've never quite felt anything like it. Like you start not recognising who is staring back at you in the mirror. You try make yourself as small as possible. You have no self-confidence. You feel naked in public. I was never this person.

 

@MzMelanie - do you believe there is ever a chance of the two of you reconcilling ? Is that what you want or have you resigned yourself to the fact that you have to move on ? - if you don't mind me asking.

x

[MzMelanie]

@vixjade - You're welcome. I find it helpful to share my story with others who have experienced the same thing. I have well meaning family and friends but they just don't understand. I wouldn't say my depression has caused me to lose my self confidence...it has just sucked my energy and zest for life. Most days are a struggle for me to get out of bed and force myself to get going. I just feel like I am going through the motions of life. I do have brief moments of happiness but I mostly just feel sad or numb. I am happy when I get to see my dog so yeah I guess I am fortunate to be able to still see him but then it breaks my heart when he leaves.

 

Part of me would like to reconcile with my ex but I just think he's too far gone now and into his new relationship. I saw some clues on social media which I won't get into. I am debating writing a letter and sending it to him.

 

Have you had any contact with your ex?

[vixjade]

@MzMelanie shame I know how hard that is. Social media can be devastating.

Funnily enough, I recent wrote my ex a long letter. I just had to tell him how I felt, as silly as that may seem to some. As much as I still love him and always will, I wanted him to know how much he had and was hurting me. How broken I felt as he carried on as if I wasn't really significant after all the years we were together. I asked him if he never felt proud of me... he knows I'm on antidepressants and I think he thinks I may try harm myself.

He is now contacting me everyday, sending me "beautiful truths" about me because he says he knocked my confidence so much and never intended to. Hell, I don't know. I want him to give me SOMETHING. Something to go away with. He doesn't open up at all... he's internalised so much and I've been desperate to just hear his feelings and how our break up has affected him. So he has written me an 8 page letter and I am hoping to get some closure from it.

 

I say write that letter. I had so many imaginary conversations in my mind with him - everything I wanted to say to him... things replayed over and over until I just had to put it on paper and send it to him. I feel better for it.

[MzMelanie]

@vixjade Thank you...I think I am going to send a letter too. I have tried to explain myself in brief conversations with him but just get no where and forget things I want to say. I have written several draft letters and want it to be perfect. I think it will make me feel better to just to get all my feelings out there and make the effort to try to get him to understand. I know he knows I am hurting and he has said he didn't mean to hurt me but that really doesn't make me feel any better. The fact is he did hurt me and nothing can undo that. That's good that your ex wrote you a letter too...it at least shows that he still cares and did care about you. Hopefully, it will give you some sort of peace. It's just so hard when you know there is still love there. I hope you can re-gain your confidence. By kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Healing hugs to you.