Feeling like a dirty little secret?

August 6, 2016

Ok, good for you, but don't assume that's the only option. I'll leave it at that - introductions of bfs/gfs depend more on the relationship of the person with their family than to their relationship with their partner.

I am like that, too. But I "manned up" and told my parents. If only for the sake of not going through all that trouble of keeping him a secret , and having to lie about my whereabouts all the time. They still don't know I've slept with him (they are conservative in that way), but they know I spend time with him. My parents are super-conservative as far as dating goes, and we've never been taught to share stuff like that (I was even embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up with my mom), but I still did it. Because he mattered, and I wanted to act like an adult and not have to lie about hanging out with a man. Which is why I don't have a lot of tolerance for people who won't man up for the person they care so much about.

August 6, 2016

People fill gaps when they don't get the whole info. My mom would judge more if she can't meet the person (different continents as well), that's how she is (e.g. she may judge on the fact my BF is less educated than me, although he has a graduate degree).

But if he had a past trauma , why couldn't he have told me, in so many words: "sorry hon, I need to work through some things, before I am ready to tell my parents, it has nothing to do with you, or with the status of our relationship." That's what I would've expected, if that was the case. As far as I know, he has no such traumas, he adores his parents to death.

The only way in which this could be related to some sort of family dynamic is if he's worried about their opinion of me... which is a horrible thing to consider... if he has thought about that...... because it means he thinks I'm not good enough , that I will for some reason be judged harshly, etc. Why else would his parents, in another continent, and without any chance to even get to know me, judge me negatively otherwise??!?

August 6, 2016

Ok, good for you, but don't assume that's the only option. I'll leave it at that - introductions of bfs/gfs depend more on the relationship of the person with their family than to their relationship with their partner.

He has told me that he wants to make sure the relationship is going somewhere before telling his parents. I think he couldn't be clearer than that, as to whether or not it's about his relationship with me, rather than his relationship with his family...

There could've been other ways of justifying his secrecy, if it was for family-related reasons/trauma. A point blank mature way would've been: I have issues to work through, I would really be grateful for your understanding for why I haven't told my parents. I am really sorry, but I just need some more time, it has nothing to do with you.

Would I have been hurt if he had told me that ? Yes, for sure. I would've still been disappointed. Would I have been more understanding? Definitely (within a reasonable time frame, while keeping my eyes open in case it was just a manipulation).

August 6, 2016

He had told me initially that he wanted to do this in "stages" and that he didn't want to jinx it by telling people, etc. And that every time he's told people about his gfs, things have gone downhill. I didn't buy that excuse, as it is not a legit one that a mature adult would believe in and be guided by.

But you see, you did buy it by just accepting it and not questioning it further or doing anything about it. Even though it didn't make sense to you, you let him get away with using it as an excuse.

I'm not eager to tell my dad about women I'm dating either, I don't see much of a point to it, but if he asked, I'd tell him and certainly wouldn't hide anything, wouldn't think it was a "jinx." Certainly my friends would know as I would've brought the girl around to hang out with them after a few weeks. An important part of a relationship is integrating the person into your everyday life to see how they fit in. This guy is adamant that that never happens, or needs to happen in "stages," which sounds like complete bs. It's been 5 months, and he's in his 30s. He knows enough about you to know whether there's a future or not. There's no need for any of this crap.

I think he's probably hiding something, or at least has a warped idea of what a relationship should be like. Every reason he's given to justify his behavior sounds bogus. You should put some pressure on him to open up or make a decision somehow. Don't fall for his bs accusations or anything like that, you haven't done anything wrong. He wants you to be a participant in the relationship on his terms, but at the end of the day, if you don't like the terms, then it's a bad relationship for you. If I were you I'd break up with him or at the very least have a way to ensure the progression of the relationship, like asking for him to clarify the timeline for his "stages" and see how he responds. If he's unwilling to compromise on anything to make you feel better, he's not the guy for you.

August 6, 2016

People fill gaps when they don't get the whole info. My mom would judge more if she can't meet the person (different continents as well), that's how she is (e.g. she may judge on the fact my BF is less educated than me, although he has a graduate degree).

OK, I get that, but there are literally NO reasons why she would judge me. I am not unemployed (though I don't have a great awesome job either, but about the same level as him -- she doesn't work at all, so it'd be mighty hypocritical of her to judge me because I don't have a better job than her son), I am finishing up a PhD (he has a Bachelor's), I am pretty, loving, nice, and EVEN did stuff for HER, while she did not even know I existed, like renting a car (car sharing service he did not have membership to) 2 days before his return, so he could do last-minute shopping and buy presents for her and his dad. Don't think her son could've gotten a better deal than me. Unless she's crazy, in which case, it makes me wonder if I should even want to be with a man whose mom is crazy and I'd have to be hidden my entire life from her and from his entire family because of that.. What kind of life would that be? Imagine a wedding.. that his family does not know about... or grandchildren his parents don't know about... what???!!

August 6, 2016

Ok, he's a bad communicator, or he wants to protect them.

Reading this thread I'm so grateful that my BF didn't put a timeframe on me. I'd leave him if he did so.

And although I hid him from family 16 months so far, I was serious about him from day 1 and we're talking marriage.

Anyway, I'm just giving you a real-life example to calm your fears. You would evaluate your own situation best.

He has told me that he wants to make sure the relationship is going somewhere before telling his parents. I think he couldn't be clearer than that, as to whether or not it's about his relationship with me, rather than his relationship with his family...

There could've been other ways of justifying his secrecy, if it was for family-related reasons/trauma. A point blank mature way would've been: I have issues to work through, I would really be grateful for your understanding for why I haven't told my parents. I am really sorry, but I just need some more time, it has nothing to do with you.

Would I have been hurt if he had told me that ? Yes, for sure. I would've still been disappointed. Would I have been more understanding? Definitely (within a reasonable time frame, while keeping my eyes open in case it was just a manipulation).

August 6, 2016

Oh OP how 5 months turned into entire life.

Were probably talking year or two, maximum.

May I ask this - do you need affirmation of your worth, and that's why you are rushing to get introduced? That's how it sound like. Just be confident in what you have to offer (which sounds like a lot btw).

OK, I get that, but there are literally NO reasons why she would judge me. I am not unemployed (though I don't have a great awesome job either, but about the same level as him -- she doesn't work at all, so it'd be mighty hypocritical of her to judge me because I don't have a better job than her son), I am finishing up a PhD (he has a Bachelor's), I am pretty, loving, nice, and EVEN did stuff for HER, while she did not even know I existed, like renting a car (car sharing service he did not have membership to) 2 days before his return, so he could do last-minute shopping and buy presents for her and his dad. Don't think her son could've gotten a better deal than me. Unless she's crazy, in which case, it makes me wonder if I should even want to be with a man whose mom is crazy and I'd have to be hidden my entire life from her and from his entire family because of that.. What kind of life would that be? Imagine a wedding.. that his family does not know about... or grandchildren his parents don't know about... what???!!

August 6, 2016

But you see, you did buy it by just accepting it and not questioning it further or doing anything about it. Even though it didn't make sense to you, you let him get away with using it as an excuse.

I'm not eager to tell my dad about women I'm dating either, I don't see much of a point to it, but if he asked, I'd tell him and certainly wouldn't hide anything, wouldn't think it was a "jinx." Certainly my friends would know as I would've brought the girl around to hang out with them after a few weeks. An important part of a relationship is integrating the person into your everyday life to see how they fit in. This guy is adamant that that never happens, or needs to happen in "stages," which sounds like complete bs. It's been 5 months, and he's in his 30s. He knows enough about you to know whether there's a future or not. There's no need for any of this crap.

I think he's probably hiding something, or at least has a warped idea of what a relationship should be like. Every reason he's given to justify his behavior sounds bogus. You should put some pressure on him to open up or make a decision somehow. Don't fall for his bs accusations or anything like that, you haven't done anything wrong. He wants you to be a participant in the relationship on his terms, but at the end of the day, if you don't like the terms, then it's a bad relationship for you. If I were you I'd break up with him or at the very least have a way to ensure the progression of the relationship, like asking for him to clarify the timeline for his "stages" and see how he responds. If he's unwilling to compromise on anything to make you feel better, he's not the guy for you.

You're right that it's bogus. I am 100% convinced that he is either hiding something or has a warped idea of what a relationship should be like. And none of the ways of explaining his reluctance, can be interpreted positively. I did not "accept it" -- it has been a bone of contention for the past 2 months or so , on an almost daily basis. Every few days, at the very least. I guess if you mean I accepted it because I haven't broken up with him, then yeah, but then again, it's not like I've "continued" with him like normal.. he's not even physically present, so it's not as if he's getting any "rewards" for disrespecting me.

When I brought up the issue when he went on vacation, he said he had never promised me that he would tell them during this trip. I honestly feel really crappy, for even pushing him to tell. It just feels like he doesn't care about me, and even if he did it because I pushed him, it wouldn't make me feel good, because it will feel forced. It won't come with all the feelings of satisfaction that come when a man is so proud of you he can't wait to tell everyone in his life about you. The only way it would be "good" is that it would rule out some of the theories of shadiness... but I feel that if he does it because he's forced to, it will create resentment in both of us. But if he doesn't tell, it will create resentment in me, and lead to intense dissatisfaction/unhappiness.... so I don't appreciate at all that he has put me in this horrible situation where I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can't win, because either way, I will feel horrible. I guess this is why I think the relationship is doomed and there is no point going forward, even if he does tell them, because the resentment on my part has already reached a tipping point and won't be scaled back.

I don't like giving ultimatums. I have told myself that I would just disappear/end things when I finally decide I've had enough, without giving him a final ultimatum. I have given him plenty of knowledge of my feelings over the issue, but he has ignored them, for no good reason. So I have my answer, I guess. It just feels so hard to walk away, because it feels like I did something wrong, to be disrespected in this manner, and that if only I had done something differently, I would've "merited" better treatment where he'd have shouted from the rooftops about how he has the best gf in the world.

His close friend whom I met, even has put his GF's photo as his facebook cover. I am not even expecting that sort of publicity. Just the bare minimum. I suck at ending things. In all relationships that have gone beyond 2 weeks of dating, I have had trouble ending things... and waited til the guy no longer wanted me.

August 6, 2016

I've asked him to clarify his "stages". He has said: he'd tell his parents when he feels like the relationship is going to "last." What is that supposed to mean? I've told him that it might not last even if we are to get married, that we might at some point even get divorced, does it mean he will never tell them? He laughed it off, said I was crazy to extrapolate that far.. but I still didn't have an answer as to how far in time I should expect this to go on.....

The other day, I was having a rough time (unrelated to this) and was really upset and thinking about quitting the PhD program. He told me (for the first time), on the phone, that he loved me. I was shocked, because I had grown accustomed to not expecting this sort of thing from him. Then he said, I have to pick a photo to show my parents. He made it look like he was getting "there" mentally , in terms of telling them.

Then, a week later, he is talking to me on the phone from his car, parked 2 streets away, because he doesn't want anyone that knows his mom / dad, to see him talking and wonder if he's talking to a GF rather than a friend?

I asked him what changed, if he had thrown sand in my eyes by saying something so concrete as showing a photo to his parents, or said it to make me feel better and it was just BS in reality... he said it was just what he was feeling at that particular moment. I told him , so you no longer feel that way? How can I trust your feelings, if they change so radically for no good reason? It's not like deciding on what you feel like eating on a particular day, and then changing your mind because you feel like eating something else -- how can someone change his feelings on something that they "felt" at that particular moment, when nothing actually happened to change those feelings? How can I trust your feelings, or anything you say, if you can make such a 180 degree turn???? No reply to that.

August 6, 2016

S2B, how do I do a background check? I have never done it before, because I never trust these websites that offer it.. I am worried they might be scam.. but also, it seems to be too much effort and money and energy spent on someone who won't even have the decency to acknowledge my existence to his MOM and DAD. Plus, I am not sure I am convinced he's married... I think at best he might have a GF. Maybe I am naive though, and it could be something that someone already pointed to: he has a wife and children who live with his parents, and he goes to the spare room to chat to me. I don't know why, but I doubt that that is the case... just a hunch.. maybe I am wrong though, and I refuse to believe it because it seems too far -fetched/crazy and would indicate he is far more twisted than I even imagined.

August 6, 2016

Forgive me if this has already been asked but are you sure the "mom" in the bikini pics and restaurant is actually his mother and not an older lady he is with? And the bedroom he Skypes from is not the woman's kid's bedroom?

So he lives in your country for a portion of the time and then his home country for the remainder of the year?

The house next to my folks was bought but this 30-something single guy whom I'd seen plenty of times over the years. Rumour has it he is a total womanizer with a parade of women coming in and out of his place. Turns out he had a wife and two beautiful girls back home and he was getting all the paper work in order to bring them here.

Not saying your guy is married but something is definitely up. NO ONE is that private, tell him to go take a hike! Gees he can't even invite you over to his house when his landlord is home? Ii'm sorry but you are definitely this guy's dirty secret. Do you mind if I ask how old he is?

The only other thing that occurred to me from your initial post was that this man is from one of those cultures where the parents arrange their marriages, or they are highly religious and insist their kids date only within the religion. In which case he is hiding you from his parents because they will never accept you which means you will have to break up with him regardless.

August 6, 2016

maybe I am wrong though, and I refuse to believe it because it seems too far -fetched/crazy and would indicate he is far more twisted than I even imagined.

....and this is all completely "normal" is it?

He used to rent a room in the apartment of a girl, and he didn't want to tell her at first. He then eventually told me that he'd told her, after I told him I suspected her to be his GF.
He used to invite me over to his place, but only when she was away on a trip.
He didn't want me to meet her, for some reason. I really don't think there was anything going on between them -- not at all. That one, I don't suspect to have been the case -- but he still did not want us to cross paths, for some reason.
The last day before his summer vacation, he did not want to spend it with me, because he "had to prepare his luggage", "his flatmate was home". And then he spent the evening with her, chilling out in the living room. I was livid -- I would've assumed he'd spend the last evening with his GF.
He then said we could spend the morning together. But he had not even finished packing (which tells me he didn't pack much the day before).

August 6, 2016

S2B, how do I do a background check? I have never done it before, because I never trust these websites that offer it.. I am worried they might be scam.. but also, it seems to be too much effort and money and energy spent on someone who won't even have the decency to acknowledge my existence to his MOM and DAD.

This doesn't make any sense at all. If the guy won't acknowledge your existence to his mom and dad and therefore isn't worth the time, money, and energy for a background check, why on Earth is he worth the time, money, energy, and emotional strain of a romantic relationship? If his mysterious refusal to reveal you to the world isn't enough to warrant a background check, it sure as hell should be a reason not to continue a relationship with him.

Compared to the effort, money, and energy, time, and emotion you've invested for 5 months already, that seems like a small price to pay to get to the bottom of something that's very clearly affecting your life adversely. You could pay a few hundred dollars or whatever and get an answer, or peace of mind, or you could continue on in this awful relationship with your emotions held hostage for God knows how long because the background check seems too cumbersome.

Can't believe what I'm reading.

August 6, 2016

This doesn't make any sense at all. If the guy won't acknowledge your existence to his mom and dad and therefore isn't worth the time, money, and energy for a background check, why on Earth is he worth the time, money, energy, and emotional strain of a romantic relationship? If his mysterious refusal to reveal you to the world isn't enough to warrant a background check, it sure as hell should be a reason not to continue a relationship with him.

Compared to the effort, money, and energy, time, and emotion you've invested for 5 months already, that seems like a small price to pay to get to the bottom of something that's very clearly affecting your life adversely. You could pay a few hundred dollars or whatever and get an answer, or peace of mind, or you could continue on in this awful relationship with your emotions held hostage for God knows how long because the background check seems too cumbersome.

Can't believe what I'm reading.

Well, actually, I have considered it, but I am not sure how to go about it, I don't want to lose enormous amounts of money in scan websites. There's tons of those.. but also, having done a search, I have not found one that specifically promises information for records in his home country.... That is one of the reasons I haven't done it so far. The other reason is that, well, I simply considered ending it, and tried it on several occasions (telling him, or going silent on him, but he sucked me back in, and I guess I wasn't 100% convinced that it was the right decision so I went back). The third reason is that, when I was suspicious about my previous ex and the possibility that he was lying and hanging out with (female) friends behind my back, while telling me he was spending alone time with his son, I rented a car to go to his place and "spy" on him. That totally ate away at my self-esteem, because I felt like I was a stalker, like I was stopping at nothing to chase after a guy who was most likely lying to me or at the very least did not care about my feelings enough to clarify things, put my mind at ease, etc.

I also don't want to do something there is no "coming back from," in the sense that, what if he is just a particular case similar to one of the posters in this thread, who said she had not told her parents about her long-term BF yet... Even if the results of the background check are negative and he has not lied about not being married.... the consequences of having done that background check alone will be enough to destroy any semblance of a relationship.

August 6, 2016

Forgive me if this has already been asked but are you sure the "mom" in the bikini pics and restaurant is actually his mother and not an older lady he is with? And the bedroom he Skypes from is not the woman's kid's bedroom?

I don't think that's the case: it's not a bikini picture, but a one-piece swimsuit. The woman looks in her 60s. His mom is in her late 50s apparently -- probably she just is one of those people who looks so much older. The pictures definitely are those of a woman who looks well into her 60s, possibly even mid-60s. Also, he's shown me pictures of her with another man about the same age as her, who he claims is his father.... As for the bedroom, it is too vintage (with old retro console games, etc.) to be his kid's bedroom. Unless it's a 60 year old woman's kid's bedroom (whose kid would be the same age as my BF)....? A bit far-fetched. Kinda crazy, if that's the case... not ruling it out entirely, but I'd say unlikely given all the aforementioned things?

So he lives in your country for a portion of the time and then his home country for the remainder of the year?

He leaves only during summers and Christmastime. That's his "set aside' time for his mom and dad, allegedly. When I have said that that seems a bit too much, for someone who is intent on trying to advance his career (being away for 1/4th of a year), he has criticized me for what I said. He's said things like: "excuse me for living all alone in a foreign country and wanting to see my parents." I said that I live away from my parents too (they are in another country) and I don't feel the need to spend 3 months out of the year with them especially when I talk to them on a daily basis. He tells me "it's different" because "your parents are closer to you." I fail to see how that makes a difference -- if I don't go to see them, I don't go to see them. They could be in my city for all I care, and it wouldn't be any different.

Not saying your guy is married but something is definitely up. NO ONE is that private, tell him to go take a hike! Gees he can't even invite you over to his house when his landlord is home? Ii'm sorry but you are definitely this guy's dirty secret. Do you mind if I ask how old he is?

He is turning 33 in a month. I'm already 33 (I'm 6 months older than him).

He has told me regarding his flatmate -- do you really want to come over and spend time with me in an apartment while she's sitting there too? We won't have any privacy, etc. On the one hand, it would not be an ideal situation/date, BUT, to go out of one's way to avoid it like the plague, so we won't cross paths, is another story altogether. This is why I was wondering what the hell was going on.. honestly, I really don't think it was anything sexual/romantic with that woman... but I do think he has some control issues / wanting to make me feel jealous / asserting his independence especially as far as women and hanging out with them goes. About 2 months into our dating, he took out 2 women to dinner, one of them is the GF of his close friend, and the other is that girl's female friend.. they had come from another city in my province, to have some fun during the day and evening. And he took them out to dinner and then went for drinks.. Then accompanied them to their hotel and then came back home (he was texting me throughout to let me know where he was, but I was very upset that he had taken out 2 women that he did not know, on a saturday night and that I was not invited -- not really anyway ; he did ask me, but then said he preferred that I not come since it would be awkward, since it was not a couples setting ). He claimed he had done it to do service to his close friend , by taking his gf out to do some sightseeing. Of course, it wasn't just sightseeing. it was also dinner, then drinks.. til 1am (no, he did not spend the night with her, he went home, because we talked for an hour or two after that on the phone and I expressed my dislike of the situation).

The only other thing that occurred to me from your initial post was that this man is from one of those cultures where the parents arrange their marriages, or they are highly religious and insist their kids date only within the religion. In which case he is hiding you from his parents because they will never accept you which means you will have to break up with him regardless.

No, he is not. That's the thing. He's a non-immigrant/non-minority from a Western European country and his parents are not conservative or religious.

August 6, 2016

Ya sure it's nice to give people the benefit of the doubt, some people like their privacy yada yada...there's being private and then there's being secretive.

It's been 5 months and to say "calm down why do you need reassurances" really deflects from the huge elephant in the room! The guy won't tell his parents about you, hides you from his friends, won't add you on social media, won't even take you to his house and hides you from his land lord, goes home for extended periods at a time and has to talk to you from the street.

Are you kidding me? This guy is so sketchy and his actions are so duplicitous that not only should you get out of this "arrangement" right now, you should also lose all traces of him so he can not reach you in any shape way or form.

If there is one thing I've learned in life is that where ther is smoke 9/10 times there is fire.

I'm sorry but your story creeps me right out. You deserve SOOOO MUCH MORE.

Good luck and I hope you come to your senses. Personally I'm no one's dirty secret you either are proud to be with me or you don't get to be with me at all. And 5 months is more than enough time to determine that. Stop wasting your time and find someone who is willing to date in a transparent fashion - ie. normal.

Edited August 6, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

August 6, 2016

Any chance he is of a different race and his family prefers him to date within the race hence the hesitance to let them find out he is not dating within his own race

August 6, 2016

When you wonder about something the most likely reason is always the answer.

Yes l have been in your shoes. Exact same details. I gave him 1 year. Turns out he had a steady girlfriend AND a FWB + me.

Dump him. I know what it feels like to be "en calisse" (your quote) all the time and it's not a way to live. Go find yourself a man that's proud to show you off and can't stop talking about you.

August 7, 2016

Any chance he is of a different race and his family prefers him to date within the race hence the hesitance to let them find out he is not dating within his own race

Nope. Not a different race. But a different nationality. I don't know about his parents enough to know their views on dating a girl of a different ethnicity/nationality. At any rate, though, it would be mighty hypocritical of them, since his dad is of a different ethnicity than his mom (his dad was raised in the same country as his mom , since he was a child , and is a national of the same country, but he is from a different ethnicity).

Edited August 7, 2016 by NoMoreJerks

August 7, 2016

Why date a guy who is keeping you a secret? He's got something to hide - either from you or them - whichever it is, it is not very flattering to you.

Where is he from? If he is Asian, he may well be expected to have an 'arranged' marriage to someone who the family have assumed he will marry eventually. Of course he would have to keep you a secret if you are not to be one he will marry.

You know his behaviour is not right. It is demeaning to you. Don't let him fob you off. Minimising your concerns is not respectful. He is playing you along here and you deserve the truth.

August 7, 2016

All the factors together add up to that I am fairly sure he is not being honest with you. You can explain the individual ones away but the entire syndrome, no!

I think it's another girlfriend or wife/family. I do agree with NoGo that sometimes people can be hesitant to introduce a gf (you) to their parents, which can be understandable. I think the reasons though in this case point to that they may already know the "other" gf. Also I find a guy talking to his "mom" 1-2 hours a day and all the phone stuff, highly suspicious. As is extending his trip by 2 months. Listen he has a new gf (you) why does he want to stay away, would be my question? Because whatever is back there is just as/more important to his heart. Good luck but he sounds like a jerk who is hiding you in nearly every way possible.

August 7, 2016

He soooo has another woman back home. Let this guy go and cut him off completely.

August 7, 2016

Thanks for all the replies. It feels both really good and extremely upsetting to have my concerns confirmed. Good because at least I know I was right and my instincts were not misplaced and that I am not crazy like he seems to imply, and that most normal people would've reacted the same way to being kept a secret like this at 5 months of dating (it's not as if he is expected to arrange a meet-up with his parents either, since they are on another continent and it probably won't be another year or two or more, before I can see them, as I don't have the money to travel with him). And really upsetting because I guess I was hoping that I was reading too much into the situation, that it was too early to tell anyone about our relationship, that some people just don't like adding S/O on facebook because it kills the mystery, etc. Honestly, the facebook thing was one of the bigger red flags. Not only does it imply his fear is so great that people will discover that the woman he has added (who could be a random woman or just a friend) is his GF... which is just.. not good at all.. but it also indicates that he does not want to take that risk because he might have potential female targets that he wants to flirt with/go out with. Or a GF. The only time I have not added men I have been in a relationship with? When 1) It was like , a few dates in... or 2) I didn't want other potential men on my facebook that I was interested in to see that I was going out with someone else. This feels horrible. I feel so hurt. I went into this so carefully, too, after having been hurt and thrown away like yesterday's garbage by my ex. But my naivete took over at some point, I guess.

I have gone NC on him, it's been 2 days already. Yesterday he sent me a text, but I ignored it. Today he has sent none. I will block him now entirely. He was supposed to stay at my place for a few days before he got the keys to his new apartment. I don't care anymore. He can find an alternative arrangement. I am sure he knows enough women in the city to accommodate him, now knowing what he is like. I will not reply or engage him in any way. I hope he doesn't come to my place and knock on my door.

I feel even more hurt because I have been going through some very stressful situations in my life because of school and work, and he hasn't been here to be supportive, he's been on vacation and enjoying himself , and then does this to me. I think I have slipped into depression because of the ensemble of things that are going on in my life.

Thanks again for all the replies. Really appreciated. (BTW, he is not from a culture that believes in arranged marriages).

Edited August 7, 2016 by NoMoreJerks

August 7, 2016

I'm surprised to see you are still dating him. I thought you ended it after he went out with those women.

That said, I agree that this entire situation is so sketchy. It would be a cold day in hell before I'd be having sex with a man and inviting him to stay over at my place if he refused to be my friend on Facebook because someone might wonder who I was. Or took such lengths so you don't cross paths with his roommate. That's absurd. Of course he's hiding something. But even if he isn't, it's certainly not indicative of a man who is trying to build a relationship/life with you. He's treating you like a FWB, at best.

You are right to block him. Please, please stay strong. You have to break this cycle you get yourself into where you stay with men who treat you so poorly.

August 7, 2016

I think you should come forward and tell him this is not working for you and good luck THEN block him.

By ignoring him with no explanation you are asking for drama and leaving a door open. Most people that do what you are doing are simply asking for the guy to pursue them harder.

End it clearly. Take full control.

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