Feeling like a dirty little secret?

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi guys, back again... with a situation that is quite honestly driving me crazy.. because I don't know what the hell it means... would appreciate any input...

 

I've been dating someone for the past 5 months. He's been away visiting his parents and taking a "vacation" for 2 months now (he extended his vacation on some bogus reason, and then extended it even more after that, claiming that since he's paying to extend, he might as well stay an extra 3 weeks). He already did not seem very keen on returning, after spending nearly 2 months with his parents... and yeah, he is a 32 year old who has a job that he does not want to get back to...

 

But anyway, that's for a bit of context.... but the issue that arose from this, is the level to which he is secretive about dating me. Granted that 5 months is not a long time, especially that 2 of those was LD... but I have heard people introducing to / meeting parents at 3 months or even before that time... which is even a step further than telling parents about the mere fact that they are seeing someone...

 

This man goes out of his way to hide me. When he was here, he would lie to his mom about where he was/ what he was doing, or get me to be quiet so she wouldn't know he was with someone. He talks to her every day, sometimes for 1-2 hours, so he does share aspects of his life with her . When he's been back home (another country), it's been even worse ; he cannot talk for days on end (though he does text), and when he does, he does it when he's out on his own (rare, because his mom seems attached to him at the hip, and they go to the pool together every day). The other day, he talked to me on the phone, and we facetimed, and he was in his car, parked somewhere. I asked where he was, if he was on his street, he said oh no, I am 2 streets down. That really made me think that he's so afraid of being found out, he's not even risking parking on the road near his apartment... how bad / embarrassing am I, for him to want to hide me to this extent ? I understand not telling, unless asked directly by someone.. but going out of his way to hide me ? Am I overreacting? Is this normal behavior, especially in men??? I know that in some cases, women tend to be secretive especially because often conservative families are harsh to judge regarding sex during dating, etc., but for men? And also, his family does not strike me as conservative or religious....

 

The other possibility is that it's not his mom at all, but a GF.. but he has sent me pictures of her, and it's definitely someone old enough to be his mom. Also, he has showed me his room (which is his childhood room at his parents', with a single bed) and has turned on the camera (without voice) from that room... When he's with me, he has talked to his "mom" on the phone (the contact name says "mom" but actually never heard him refer to her as mom, so I am not 100% sure that's who he is talking to -- usually he's telling her what he had done during the day or what he was up to now). He also has come up with the weird habit of putting his phone on silent , both when I am not there (he often misses my calls and claims he didn't hear/was asleep , etc.) and when I am there... Donno if it's to avoid being called by a second GF back home,while he's with me?? I haven't checked his phone -- don't wanna go there... unless I really must... but my intuition is really telling me that something is wrong, that no one can be that secretive and there being a good reason for it...

 

I've raised the issue with him about keeping me a secret (it's been a bone of contention since he's gone away), he always belittles my concern , by saying, what, you want me to tell my parents from day 1, what's the rush, etc., making me look like I'm desperate, etc.

 

I am now wondering if: he has another GF back home, that his mom knows about, and that is why he has not told his mom about me. Certainly, going back home over the summer for 2 months + Christmas for 2 weeks, every year, especially when you now have a GF who is expected to spend the most important times of the year/occasions alone, reflects some sort of pressing reason? Like maybe a GF who is told that while he has to work abroad for months, he promises to come see her and spend summer with her + Christmas? I don't know. Am I being paranoid? If I remember well, he was vague when I asked him (towards the beginning) when the last time he had been in a relationship. Said he had an on-and-off GF back home last year, and that when he was last there, he had ended things with her. Maybe he's holding on to two girlfriends, one on each continent? It's not something that hasn't been done before....

 

He also has refused to add me on facebook. Hasn't given me a reason at all, except very vague mumblings on the issue..... one time he said it's because it kills the mystery, another time he (if I remember well) said that he didn't want people to wonder who I was.

 

He has only told a friend about me -- supposedly a "close" friend from his home country, who came to visit his gf who lives here. I met his friend in person. Aside from that, that has been my only link to his "world" .

 

He said he had sent me a postcard from home, and I said I had not received it (he sent it like 3 weeks ago). He said it's possible it's because he hadn't put his return address on it. As if he was afraid I'd find out his address or do something with the address (write to his mom by snail mail??? lol).

 

He has an uncle here in my country, and goes to visit every now and then.. hasn't told them either. I'm starting to feel like a dirty little secret.. am I wrong to feel that way?Am I expecting too much at this point (too early to expect more?) ? Am I unreasonable to be suspicious??? I do have some baggage as far as trust in relationships is concerned, but honestly, I am not sure if it's to do with baggage, or if this is raising too many red flags irrespective of my baggage....

 

I know, I know, people are gonna say, if I don't trust him at this point, then what's the point of continuing with him.But either way, whatever I decide to do, I just want to know that I did it for good reasons, and not crazy assumptions that prove to be wrong.

 

Any input on how I should proceed, to understand this situation better / try to put my mind at ease / rule out or verify my suspicions?

[Aniela]

I wouldn't like this. He didn't add you to facebook, because he didn't want anyone to ask who you were? (Sorry, I skimmed, although I see that you think he's hiding you from family, too.) I don't think it's a crazy assumption.

[MidwestUSA]

I think you're right on target with the girlfriend back home theory. I don't know if you want to try to prove it, or just move on based on the way he's treating you. I would. So sorry.

[NoMoreJerks]

I guess I am wondering if it's possible that he is the type of person who just doesn't want to tell people he's dating, unless he's sure it's going to last (he has also said that). If that's the case, he might worry that I might post something on facebook that would give it away, and it would be bad for that reason (him wanting to make sure it'd last)? I guess it's not a good reason either, if he doesn't have confidence in our relationship or he's thinking in that way about our relationship -- and I mean, at what point does he decide that it's now "good to last forever"? What if we broke up 3 years down the line? It's a possibility, right? Does that mean he's not going to introduce me for the next 3 years? Or EVER?

 

I don't know. I mean, my intuition is saying it makes no sense, but part of me desperately wants to be naive and think he's just "that kind of guy who is intensely private".

[Aniela]

I guess I am wondering if it's possible that he is the type of person who just doesn't want to tell people he's dating, unless he's sure it's going to last (he has also said that). If that's the case, he might worry that I might post something on facebook that would give it away, and it would be bad for that reason (him wanting to make sure it'd last)? I guess it's not a good reason either, if he doesn't have confidence in our relationship or he's thinking in that way about our relationship -- and I mean, at what point does he decide that it's now "good to last forever"? What if we broke up 3 years down the line? It's a possibility, right? Does that mean he's not going to introduce me for the next 3 years? Or EVER?

 

I don't know. I mean, my intuition is saying it makes no sense, but part of me desperately wants to be naive and think he's just "that kind of guy who is intensely private".

 

I'm pretty private, but if this is a committed relationship, I would be concerned. My experience lines up with what enigma said above.

[VeveCakes]

No one is that insanely private would also blab on the phone for hours.

 

He won't add you because he doesn't want you to see something or someone to see you.

 

Hes up to no good.

[sc0316]

How long has he lived in your country? My gut feeling is that he has a wife back home. I mean, what kind of a guy would talk 1-2 hours to his mom every day?

[NoMoreJerks]

How long has he lived in your country? My gut feeling is that he has a wife back home. I mean, what kind of a guy would talk 1-2 hours to his mom every day?

I don't know the details right down to the number of months / years. But this last "stint", he was here for 9 months, and before that, another 7 months or so (with a vacation in between the two stints). He just renewed his work permit, for another 2 years. But he said he can't give up on his "summer trips" to see his parents + Christmas because "Christmas is supposed to be spent with family". I took issue to that a little bit, because if I am going to miss all summers and Christmases because he prioritizes seeing his family over a period of 2 months (not a 2 week trip, for example, which would make more sense), then are we in a real relationship!?

 

I honestly am starting to ponder the possibility that he has a GF. Not sure about the wife thing. He skyped/facetimed with me from his own room, his childhood room at his parents'. Possible that they kept his room as it is, and that he was just there visiting.. and that he has another home that he stays at with his GF/wife? Possible.. but what kind of sicko would go through all that trouble of going to his old room at his parents' at night, get into PJs, call on facetime, to give the impression he was sleeping there????? GF seems more plausible for that reason... I don't know. I am starting to get a really weird vibe from all this. And he makes me sound like I'm a nag and desperate to "seal the deal" because I don't want to be kept a dirty little secret.

 

And yeah, I wondered the same thing about 1-2 hr talks to his mom, and I said it to him, and he denied he talks to her for an hour per day. And yet, at the beginning, he'd tell me he talks to her 1 hr / day every day, and skypes with her , apparently he has set up skype on their TV , so she can see him on her TV.

 

She also texts him throughout the day, in addition to the 1-2 hrs in the mornings before he goes to work , plus weekends for even longer than 1-2 hrs.

 

Honestly, either he's a sicko with a weird mom-son relationship, or it's a GF.

 

His reason for extending his trip by nearly another month: 1) need to go see my ear dr. for (regular) ear checkup and he's only available on the day after I am supposed to return to your country so I need to change ticket. 2) might as well stay an extra 3 weeks since I'm paying to extend the trip, can't come back before the 12th of August cos dad takes vacation on the 12th of August and my mom has never been alone in the summer while my dad works.... I need to keep her company.

 

Also he never showed me the original ticket in the first place, he had claimed he had booked return ticket of July 20. Maybe it was all a lie and he had originally booked it for 12 August.

Edited August 6, 2016 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

How long has he lived in your country? My gut feeling is that he has a wife back home. I mean, what kind of a guy would talk 1-2 hours to his mom every day?

One thing I've noticed is that he has weird mommy issues. He goes to the swimming pool with her almost every day. He takes pics of her in swimsuit at the pool -- he has even shown me a few of those. I thought he was just being a nice boy who is accompanying his mom to the pool; and I thought he was showing me pics , to basically "introduce me " to his mom. The other day he sent me a pic of her at the restaurant. It's like he's mesmerized by her -- is the impression I get... not the normal kind of relationship one would expect a guy to have with his mom. Regardless of whether or not he has a GF / wife , I do think he has a very very weird relationship with his mom. To the point where it started to weird me out and I really tried hard to dismiss the "thought."

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm pretty private, but if this is a committed relationship, I would be concerned. My experience lines up with what enigma said above.

That's exactly what I told him, too, when I raised the issue and he dismissed it. His response was incomprehensible. Like, he literally had no good response / it was a scatter-brain type of response that left me wondering "what did he just say as a response?" Then he switched into accusation mode, where he accused me of "fast-forwarding the relationship", trying to "seal the deal", acting "desperate," etc.

 

My impression is: at first, about 3 months in, when I brought up the issue, after realizing that he was actively keeping me a secret at 3 months in.. he said something along the lines of: it's too early, it's only been 3 months. Fair enough, I told myself... maybe he is right. Dismissed my feelings about it, another month.

 

Month 4: Tells me something along the lines of: I want to make sure it's gonna last, and given the track record of you creating "crises" (even though it was over THIS issue), it doesn't give me the confidence that this is going to last. That sorta response. Basically, manipulating me, by using the fact that I was upset over him not telling his parents, to justify why he wouldn't tell them.

 

Month 5: Yesterday and today, basically: said the same thing as last month.. acted all angry at me, as if he legit had a reason to get pissed off at me, and me, none whatsoever. The best defense is offense, I guess.

 

Yesterday morning, I went quiet on him, after he really insulted me over a discussion of this issue. Saying I was melancholic, etc. And then saying, he already hates his work here, and he has to work 9 hrs a day in a crap job, and doesn't need this. I said OK. Basically, wrapped things up in my head, and was all DONE. Just wanted to fade out, and assumed he would, too. Except that he spent all day the following day texting me every 2 hrs. I saw the messages but did not reply. He got all anxious, like he was worried about losing me. Despite that, he still was adamant about not telling his parents, when I brought it up again, when I replied to his last message.

[266696687]

You should just tell him it's over.

 

No reason to drag it out by ignoring him for a while. Just be up front and tell him it's over because he keeps you a secret and is clearly hiding something. It's not normal behaviour. This guy is shady. L

 

He is making you insecure and eventually your self esteem will plummet if you continue to accept this behaviour from him.

 

You are right about him being on the offensive when you question him. This is a classic tactic of someone who is cheating or lying. They turn it around to make it seem like it is you that has the problem and not them. This is crazy making behaviour and eventually this too will wear you down if it hasn't already done so.

 

Get out now. Finish it and walk away. Go NC.

[elaine567]

It may be some weird Mom/son relationship but my guess he has a wife and kids at home and they all most likely live with his parents.

Summer and Christmas are essential times for men working away, to be at home with their kids.

He probably goes swimming with his Mom AND his kids, but he only showed you the pic of his Mom at the pool.

He Skyped you from his childhood bedroom as that is no doubt the spare/guest room and he managed to sneak in there one night to call you.

[Lois_Griffin]

And yeah, I wondered the same thing about 1-2 hr talks to his mom, and I said it to him, and he denied he talks to her for an hour per day. And yet, at the beginning, he'd tell me he talks to her 1 hr / day every day, and skypes with her , apparently he has set up skype on their TV , so she can see him on her TV.

 

She also texts him throughout the day, in addition to the 1-2 hrs in the mornings before he goes to work , plus weekends for even longer than 1-2 hrs.

 

Honestly, either he's a sicko with a weird mom-son relationship, or it's a GF.

Yeah, he's talking to someone, but it ain't his mommy.

 

What are you GETTING out of this worthless relationship that makes you want to cling to this guy like grim death?

 

I don't get it.

[Taramere]

I've raised the issue with him about keeping me a secret (it's been a bone of contention since he's gone away), he always belittles my concern , by saying, what, you want me to tell my parents from day 1, what's the rush, etc., making me look like I'm desperate, etc....If I remember well, he was vague when I asked him (towards the beginning) when the last time he had been in a relationship. Said he had an on-and-off GF back home last year, and that when he was last there, he had ended things with her.

 

Well, if she's an on/off girlfriend then he may well have ended things with her last time he was back there...but that doesn't mean it isn't back "on" again.

 

You've spent plenty of time and energy investigating the situation to the best of your abilities, but he's clearly not prepared to be open and honest with you. By this stage it seems fair to conclude that there's ample reason to end the relationship without extending any further benefit of the doubt to him.

 

In fact, given his behaviour I don't think I'd bother formally ending the relationship. I'd just fade out on him. He hasn't shown enough respect for you or for the relationship to merit a formal ending to it, I don't think.

[sc0316]

Are people in your country (e.g., your mutual friends, colleagues, if there are any) aware of your relationship?

 

Even if he has a legitimate reason to be as sneaky as he has been (which is extremely unlikely), the fact is, he's not capable of having a true relationship with you.

[NoMoreJerks]

Are people in your country (e.g., your mutual friends, colleagues, if there are any) aware of your relationship?

 

Even if he has a legitimate reason to be as sneaky as he has been (which is extremely unlikely), the fact is, he's not capable of having a true relationship with you.

My friends know about him, my parents do too. But there's no mutual friends so to speak. The only mutual acquaintance is his "close friend" who came to visit, and who met me. Apparently they've known each other since they were kids. He had told me initially that he wanted to do this in "stages" and that he didn't want to jinx it by telling people, etc. And that every time he's told people about his gfs, things have gone downhill. I didn't buy that excuse, as it is not a legit one that a mature adult would believe in and be guided by.

 

He used to rent a room in the apartment of a girl, and he didn't want to tell her at first. He then eventually told me that he'd told her, after I told him I suspected her to be his GF. He used to invite me over to his place, but only when she was away on a trip. He didn't want me to meet her, for some reason. I really don't think there was anything going on between them -- not at all. That one, I don't suspect to have been the case -- but he still did not want us to cross paths, for some reason. The last day before his summer vacation, he did not want to spend it with me, because he "had to prepare his luggage", "his flatmate was home". And then he spent the evening with her, chilling out in the living room. I was livid -- I would've assumed he'd spend the last evening with his GF. He then said we could spend the morning together. But he had not even finished packing (which tells me he didn't pack much the day before).

 

Made me wonder if he has control issues and is doing it on purpose, to bring me down a peg or two, to show me my "place."

 

Even that girl -- his flatmate -- is on his facebook. But not me. He has also added his new landlord, for the apartment that he has already rented before arriving.

 

Before, when he had said he'd arrive on July 20th, I had said he could stay at my place for a few weeks before he got his place sorted. It didn't seem he was very happy with the arrangement. Possibly because his wife/gf/mom would ask him to show them his new apartment or where he was staying, and he'd be found out? He would say, "it's too long, it's like living together." I said I didn't mind, but he seemed to want to spin it as , I don't mind either but I don't want to do it, out of consideration for you. Then he changed his ticket anyway (or it was always for August 12th anyway?) so now he'll be staying over for 2 nights only, which is something he's done on regular occasions as well.

[NoMoreJerks]

Thank you so much for the responses. It helps a lot to know that I am not blowing this out of proportion (as he claims I am), and that a normal person with a healthy dose of self-respect would find this situation unacceptable. He made me feel like I was this crazy person who had huge amounts of expectations in such a short period of time, and that I was making a huge deal out of a non-issue (telling his parents). But honestly, he was the one who turned it into such a big issue. Why couldn't he have told his parents: oh btw, mom and dad, I'm dating a girl, her name is X, she is quite nice, I hope it works out between us. I even get it that some men do not talk about these things with their parents, and I wasn't expecting him to tell them a tale of our romance.. just not go to such efforts to hide me from them. Like, treat it as a normal thing, if they do ask who he was talking to on the phone, he could've just told them, "oh yeah, I am indeed seeing someone *shrug* "

 

I have racked my brains for a potential reason for the secrecy that could put a "positive" spin on the entire issue, but have found none so far. Even if he (being an only child) is keeping this from his parents (who have no intention of moving to my country) because he doesn't want to disappoint them (meaning, if it's a serious relationship, he'd have to move here on a permanent basis, establish his new family away from his parents, etc.) -- it does not bode WELL for our relationship.. It would mean he is ultimately intending on returning home and is not serious about staying here and establishing something long-term.

[No_Go]

I'm just like him. I NEVER introduced a guy to family, they're barely aware I've been on dates at all. Including with my BF of 16 months that I'm talking marriage with.... I think I'll introduce him eventually when we hit 1.5 year mark, but I'm deadly scared from it (see my last thread). I'm also 3 months shy from 32.

 

So why don't you think it is an issue with his family, not with you?

 

 

 

I guess I am wondering if it's possible that he is the type of person who just doesn't want to tell people he's dating, unless he's sure it's going to last (he has also said that). If that's the case, he might worry that I might post something on facebook that would give it away, and it would be bad for that reason (him wanting to make sure it'd last)? I guess it's not a good reason either, if he doesn't have confidence in our relationship or he's thinking in that way about our relationship -- and I mean, at what point does he decide that it's now "good to last forever"? What if we broke up 3 years down the line? It's a possibility, right? Does that mean he's not going to introduce me for the next 3 years? Or EVER?

 

I don't know. I mean, my intuition is saying it makes no sense, but part of me desperately wants to be naive and think he's just "that kind of guy who is intensely private".

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm just like him. I NEVER introduced a guy to family, they're barely aware I've been on dates at all. Including with my BF of 16 months that I'm talking marriage with.... I think I'll introduce him eventually when we hit 1.5 year mark, but I'm deadly scared from it (see my last thread). I'm also 3 months shy from 32.

 

So why don't you think it is an issue with his family, not with you?

I've thought about the possibility. But considering his other behavior, and the way he has spun things to make me feel bad about it, instead of just telling me, look, my family are just crazy when it comes to expectations from a relationship, or my mom hates every gf that I have, etc. I would've been fairly understanding with the latter reasoning... though not for such a long time. I'd also expect a man to , well, man up, and not be such a wuss... what's he afraid of? It's not as if they are going to disown him because he's dating a girl... (he's from Western Europe and his family is not religious or conservative). It just makes me think he is ashamed of me, or doesn't think this has long-term potential, so why bother telling the important people in his life?

 

I've dated a man who have kept me a secret from his mom for 2 years, and I did not have an issue with it, mainly because they did not go to such a degree out of their way to hide me. But also, I am wary about similar treatment, because it turned out that man was just using me for sex (it was a FWB unbeknownst to me) and had multiple girls on different continents.

[No_Go]

I disagree, I'm just like him. I'd blab on the phone 2-3 h for work, world issues etc with my mom, and not even hint about my BF, friends etc. it is just a topic that stays private for me regardless of how much I talk with her.

 

No one is that insanely private would also blab on the phone for hours.

 

He won't add you because he doesn't want you to see something or someone to see you.

 

Hes up to no good.

[No_Go]

Consider maybe there is an issue with his family that he wants to keep private. In my case it is a result of past abuse and alcoholic dad, agree these are things that are not great to share with a new BF/GF.

 

In my case there is no religious reason and I'm from Europe as well.

 

Regarding manning up... If there is trauma involved, it's not that simple. I'm just saying there are more options than just using you for sex. Talk to him.

 

 

I've thought about the possibility. But considering his other behavior, and the way he has spun things to make me feel bad about it, instead of just telling me, look, my family are just crazy when it comes to expectations from a relationship, or my mom hates every gf that I have, etc. I would've been fairly understanding with the latter reasoning... though not for such a long time. I'd also expect a man to , well, man up, and not be such a wuss... what's he afraid of? It's not as if they are going to disown him because he's dating a girl... (he's from Western Europe and his family is not religious or conservative). It just makes me think he is ashamed of me, or doesn't think this has long-term potential, so why bother telling the important people in his life?

 

I've dated a man who have kept me a secret from his mom for 2 years, and I did not have an issue with it, mainly because they did not go to such a degree out of their way to hide me. But also, I am wary about similar treatment, because it turned out that man was just using me for sex (it was a FWB unbeknownst to me) and had multiple girls on different continents.

[NoMoreJerks]

Also, I have told my family about him, and even invited him to my nephew's baptism, which would've been (at 6 months), a good occasion for him to meet my family. He said he would have to work the day after, so not sure he could make it. Then, when we had the "crisis" about him keeping me a secret, I told him it didn't feel right for me to have invited him to my nephew's baptism, when he hasn't even gone through the stage of acknowledging my existence to his parents. So I uninvited him from it. He acted all upset about it, but ultimately, I don't think it mattered that much to him in the first place. It was my way of taking the relationship down by a notch. It felt like we were on totally different pages, not just with the speed at which the relationship was going, but ... whether this was a relationship at all. I'd expect that at 5-6 months, you'd be willing to acknowledge the existence of your SO to your parents, to meet your SO's loved ones/the people who matter to her (friends, etc.).

[NoMoreJerks]

I disagree, I'm just like him. I'd blab on the phone 2-3 h for work, world issues etc with my mom, and not even hint about my BF, friends etc. it is just a topic that stays private for me regardless of how much I talk with her.

I am like that, too. But I "manned up" and told my parents. If only for the sake of not going through all that trouble of keeping him a secret , and having to lie about my whereabouts all the time. They still don't know I've slept with him (they are conservative in that way), but they know I spend time with him. My parents are super-conservative as far as dating goes, and we've never been taught to share stuff like that (I was even embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up with my mom), but I still did it. Because he mattered, and I wanted to act like an adult and not have to lie about hanging out with a man. Which is why I don't have a lot of tolerance for people who won't man up for the person they care so much about.

[No_Go]

Another personal example: I met my BF family at 2 months mark for an important family event, we spent then Christmas together in their home (5 states away) etc. I'm so glad he did that regardless my family still doesn't know about him... It is not tit for tat OP. At least I think it shouldn't be.

 

Also, I have told my family about him, and even invited him to my nephew's baptism, which would've been (at 6 months), a good occasion for him to meet my family. He said he would have to work the day after, so not sure he could make it. Then, when we had the "crisis" about him keeping me a secret, I told him it didn't feel right for me to have invited him to my nephew's baptism, when he hasn't even gone through the stage of acknowledging my existence to his parents. So I uninvited him from it. He acted all upset about it, but ultimately, I don't think it mattered that much to him in the first place. It was my way of taking the relationship down by a notch. It felt like we were on totally different pages, not just with the speed at which the relationship was going, but ... whether this was a relationship at all. I'd expect that at 5-6 months, you'd be willing to acknowledge the existence of your SO to your parents, to meet your SO's loved ones/the people who matter to her (friends, etc.).

[NoMoreJerks]

Consider maybe there is an issue with his family that he wants to keep private. In my case it is a result of past abuse and alcoholic dad, agree these are things that are not great to share with a new BF/GF.

 

In my case there is no religious reason and I'm from Europe as well.

 

Regarding manning up... If there is trauma involved, it's not that simple. I'm just saying there are more options than just using you for sex. Talk to him.

But if he had a past trauma , why couldn't he have told me, in so many words: "sorry hon, I need to work through some things, before I am ready to tell my parents, it has nothing to do with you, or with the status of our relationship." That's what I would've expected, if that was the case. As far as I know, he has no such traumas, he adores his parents to death.

 

The only way in which this could be related to some sort of family dynamic is if he's worried about their opinion of me... which is a horrible thing to consider... if he has thought about that...... because it means he thinks I'm not good enough , that I will for some reason be judged harshly, etc. Why else would his parents, in another continent, and without any chance to even get to know me, judge me negatively otherwise??!?