Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 Have you/can you tell him how much it bothers you that he's not talking to you? No bc we havent met yet i dont want to push him away and comsidering he is overhelmed with his own emotions i felt the timing is bad. I plan to talk to him but wasnt going to until hes over his nervousness...
preraph Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Write him something like "I'll be waiting for you at the airport" (or wherever) as long as I hear from you to confirm the time the day before. No response. No picking him up. 1
BaileyB Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 I wouldn't be too excited about this one... It doesn't seem like much will come of this meeting, if it ever happens. I don't know that I would waste my time.
katiegrl Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 (edited) CiaoBella.... where is he planning to stay.... with you? For how long? When is he coming, in how many days? Anxiety can be a bytch lemmetellya.... often times compels someone to want to call off the whole thing, unfortunately. It's happened before to many many people, often devastating them. I've said this before (maybe not on your threads) but long distance virtual RLs work very well for those who have fears of commitment, intimacy or RLs, because they're safe (emotionally). They work for many people too... but for those with commitment fears, when the time comes to finally meet in person, reality hits, along with the anxiety and the fear. Don't discount the possibility that this could be what's happening. What to do? I dunno, depends on when he's coming. You could leave him alone, but you already did that, plus you need to make your plans. I would call him on it.... just tell him "if you're feeling too anxious about it, let's just forget the trip, and see how we feel later." Gauge his reaction. If he agrees, start backing away... unless you're up for hanging in there with a guy with commitment fears. Or just end it. I would. Best of luck with whatever happens... Edited August 6, 2016 by katiegrl
Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 I wouldn't be too excited about this one... It doesn't seem like much will come of this meeting, if it ever happens. I don't know that I would waste my time. @Bailey, why, what is your rationale for this statement?
Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 CiaoBella.... where is he planning to stay.... with you? For how long? When is he coming, in how many days? Anxiety can be a bytch lemmetellya.... often times compels someone to want to call off the whole thing, unfortunately. It's happened before to many many people, often devastating them. I've said this before (maybe not on your threads) but long distance virtual RLs work very well for those who have fears of commitment, intimacy or RLs, because they're safe (emotionally). They work for many people too... but for those with commitment fears, when the time comes to finally meet in person, reality hits, along with the anxiety and the fear. Don't discount the possibility that this could be what's happening. What to do? I dunno, depends on when he's coming. You could leave him alone, but you already did that, plus you need to make your plans. I would call him on it.... just tell him "if you're feeling too anxious about it, let's just forget the trip, and see how we feel later." Gauge his reaction. If he agrees, start backing away... unless you're up for hanging in there with a guy with commitment fears. Or just end it. I would. Best of luck with whatever happens... @Katie: -staying with me -a week -will be here in a few days, literally TBH i don't really understand what makes a person so anxious about getting on the road to meet someone they've been corresponding/talking to for months already. In a way, they've already established a bond of sorts, so that in and of itself should take the edge off. I have gotten on a plane many, many times and met people I knew/talked to/corresponded with exclusively online, sometimes weeks, sometimes months, sometimes years. But I never once had this sort of thing happen to me where I experienced nearly debilitating anxiety. I know you mentioned commitment-fear, and I realize sometimes that stems from fear of getting hurt...but there are also many other reasons that someone could be anxious - insecurities, the "what if's" of that person and the "what if's" of the other person, etc etc etc. And I get that these thoughts and feelings occur, I just don't understand how it can bring someone to a near emotional halt with the other person. And about the comment of being commitment phobic (fearful), I think it's dynamic...my first thought is fear of not being used to someone in his life again and fear of being rejection or not good enough for me...also I think just fear of the unknown and not having as much control over developing emotions and bonds. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty assured that if he wasn't interested in a relationship of some sort that he would have never exerted the time, energy, resources into coming...he isn't a beat around the bush kinda of guy... I just don't understand the anxiety component.
BaileyB Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 I understand that you've talked with him a lot, but you have never met in person. So, you really don't know him. It sounds like he has some pretty significant anxiety. The fact that he has been MIA in advance of meeting you for the first time is not good. I don't think I'd be very impressed or optimistic about meeting a guy who is so anxious about meeting that he goes MIA for days before you meet. I really think that you want to invest your time and energy in a relationship with a guy who communicates consistently and shows consistent interest in you. I hope I'm wrong and things go well for you... Just be cautious and try not to get your hopes up.
Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 I understand that you've talked with him a lot, but you have never met in person. So, you really don't know him. It sounds like he has some pretty significant anxiety. The fact that he has been MIA in advance of meeting you for the first time is not good. I don't think I'd be very impressed or optimistic about meeting a guy who is so anxious about meeting that he goes MIA for days before you meet. I really think that you want to invest your time and energy in a relationship with a guy who communicates consistently and shows consistent interest in you. I hope I'm wrong and things go well for you... Just be cautious and try not to get your hopes up. Thanks Bailey for your kind words and feedback.
CarrieT Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Why are you letting someone you HAVE NEVER MET stay with you!?!?! No way. He should stay in an AirBNB or hotel or hostel and you should meet him in a public place first. No way should he be allowed in your home. 2
VeveCakes Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Just call him and ask him when and where you should pick him up. It's that simple.
Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 Just call him and ask him when and where you should pick him up. It's that simple. Yes it is. When i have one thing i need to knock out, sure. But bc this issue is a bit dynamic, it requires more to it. So that is one simple issue. The larger underlying issue is the avoidance one and my being ignored...and the fact that things are still so new, and he is in the midst of his own emotions, that i am unsure how/when to approach/or handle it. I will definitely contact him about his arrival but the other stuff is not so easy. Who wants to travel far to talk about eff ups? He's ignoring me. That can no longer happen. It needs to be addressed. If somehow I don't bring it up, it will fester and allow resentment to creep in.
Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 CiaoBella.... where is he planning to stay.... with you? For how long? When is he coming, in how many days? Anxiety can be a bytch lemmetellya.... often times compels someone to want to call off the whole thing, unfortunately. It's happened before to many many people, often devastating them. I've said this before (maybe not on your threads) but long distance virtual RLs work very well for those who have fears of commitment, intimacy or RLs, because they're safe (emotionally). They work for many people too... but for those with commitment fears, when the time comes to finally meet in person, reality hits, along with the anxiety and the fear. Don't discount the possibility that this could be what's happening. What to do? I dunno, depends on when he's coming. You could leave him alone, but you already did that, plus you need to make your plans. I would call him on it.... just tell him "if you're feeling too anxious about it, let's just forget the trip, and see how we feel later." Gauge his reaction. If he agrees, start backing away... unless you're up for hanging in there with a guy with commitment fears. Or just end it. I would. Best of luck with whatever happens... @Katie...what are your thoughts on the sudden silence...would it be crazy of me to even remotely consider he has found someone else? Or is that my own anxiety and fear getting the best of me? (since you've read my other posts)
ChickiePops Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 No bc we havent met yet i dont want to push him away and comsidering he is overhelmed with his own emotions i felt the timing is bad. I plan to talk to him but wasnt going to until hes over his nervousness... You've never met but you're letting him into your home..but you're worried about telling him your feelings... None of this is sane... Tell him to get a hotel. Tell him he's being an ass. Just..talk to him!
BaileyB Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 You've never met but you're letting him into your home..but you're worried about telling him your feelings... None of this is sane... Tell him to get a hotel. Tell him he's being an ass. Just..talk to him! It is really true. At this point, he is someone you have talked with online. You don't know him and you certainly shouldn't trust him. Until you have met him and been out with him several times, you should be very cautious with any guy. I think because you have talked with him online, you feel like you know him and you have a relationship with him.... But that's not really true. I would NEVER let him stay in my home. Add the fact that he hasn't been communicating with you... He has not proved himself to be reliable and trustworthy, IMHO. You can talk with him if you like, but remember... He is virtually a stranger to you and you do not really have a relationship with him. I think you have gone way ahead with this one and you need to check your expectations.
Dis Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 You've never met but you're letting him into your home..but you're worried about telling him your feelings... None of this is sane... Tell him to get a hotel. Tell him he's being an ass. Just..talk to him! Ya...this doesnt sound like a great idea You two cant communicate over text/phone but you're planning on having him stay in your house with you for a week??? I also dont like the fact that he dropped off the face of the planet right before he was supposed to visit....I wouldnt waste my time on a guy that did that....never mind welcome him into my home. Def dont chase this guy around hun. Send him one more text...a well thought out text. I would say something like, "I know you're supposed to come see me in a few days but your lack of communication has me pretty confused. I would like to hear from you by (whatever date) so I know if we are moving forward" If he does text you/call you...make sure he has a da*m good reason for disappearing. Communication is very important in relationships...if he cant communicate or at least explain himself...you need to move on hun
Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 It is really true. At this point, he is someone you have talked with online. You don't know him and you certainly shouldn't trust him. Until you have met him and been out with him several times, you should be very cautious with any guy. I think because you have talked with him online, you feel like you know him and you have a relationship with him.... But that's not really true. I would NEVER let him stay in my home. Add the fact that he hasn't been communicating with you... He has not proved himself to be reliable and trustworthy, IMHO. You can talk with him if you like, but remember... He is virtually a stranger to you and you do not really have a relationship with him. I think you have gone way ahead with this one and you need to check your expectations. Please clarify "way ahead"?
Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 Please clarify "way ahead"? Thanks, I understand and agree to some extent about some of these points. I get it. I appreciate very much your perspective and words as they inspire various thoughts I hadn't considered. That said, respectfully, the focus of the forum has been diverted to something that is not the meat of the matter. Regardless of if he gets a hotel or if I verbalize that or not, I still have to figure out how to reestablish communication. Addition to that, there are other factors that I have not included in my post out of respect for his privacy and very personal confessions. So those too need to be accounted for but unfortunately I am not at liberty to discuss. There is much more to it and because of his specific situation I had to kind of hold off from what I would normally do...and wait for him to kind of sort his own sh*t out. Normally I would have no issue asserting myself, asking questions, etc. But HE is having a moment and as a human I feel I must allow him to have that moment to sort things out. It's human compassion. Now whether I am sane or not for allowing him into my home, etc., I understand the magnitude of what is going on here and my decisions...truly. But that is not the focus of why I posted in this forum. Thanks.
Dis Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Thanks, I understand and agree to some extent about some of these points. I get it. I appreciate very much your perspective and words as they inspire various thoughts I hadn't considered. That said, respectfully, the focus of the forum has been diverted to something that is not the meat of the matter. Regardless of if he gets a hotel or if I verbalize that or not, I still have to figure out how to reestablish communication. Addition to that, there are other factors that I have not included in my post out of respect for his privacy and very personal confessions. So those too need to be accounted for but unfortunately I am not at liberty to discuss. There is much more to it and because of his specific situation I had to kind of hold off from what I would normally do...and wait for him to kind of sort his own sh*t out. Normally I would have no issue asserting myself, asking questions, etc. But HE is having a moment and as a human I feel I must allow him to have that moment to sort things out. It's human compassion. Now whether I am sane or not for allowing him into my home, etc., I understand the magnitude of what is going on here and my decisions...truly. But that is not the focus of why I posted in this forum. Thanks. Hun if he choses not to communicate with you...theres not much you can do Relationships require effort from both parties....you cant pick up the slack for him nor should you If he makes the decision not to communicate with you...you're better off finding someone who will Dont chase him around hun
elaine567 Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Online relationships are great for social misfits, they can hide behind screens and never challenge themselves by actually meeting anyone. I guess this guy never intended meeting you, or he has lost his nerve. He is somewhat weird anyway, so DO NOT let him stay in your home if by chance he does make it onto a plane. YOU know very little about him in reality. Take your own safety seriously. 2
BaileyB Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 By way ahead, I mean inviting him into your home. And, I understand and appreciate what you are saying when you feel the discussion has become a little distracted... But, I'm not sure that I would want to reestablish communication with a guy who has stopped communicating with me. I agree with the others, don't chase him. He sounds like he has many issues he is dealing with and as much as we all want to be compassionate and supportive, you also have to chose the people you invite into your life wisely.
Lois_Griffin Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Well, you've made just about every excuse you can for his sh*t behavior in suddenly going completely ghost on you. And when you peel away all the nonsense psychiatric mumbo-jumbo you keep ascribing to him about all his personal issues and that he's overwhelmed by his emotions right now and he's made all these confessions to you that are just so achingly private that you can't discuss them and on and on and on. He sounds like a socially and emotionally stunted science project that you're taking on. Like some of the others, I also don't think this guy is actually going to make it upstairs out of his basement and into the outside world to make the trip to your place. 2
heartfeltlove Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Is he even who he really says he is? How do you know? ETA: You have no need to do ANYthing. If he IS coming - he will have no choice but to contact you. Stay silent, and wait. Time will reveal his true colours. It's laughable that this is so new, and already, so much 'drama'... 1
Zahara Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 (edited) You've known this guy for 2.5 months over text/online, you've never met him and you're inviting him into your home for a week. People can be whatever they want to be online. He's still a stranger to you. I think your head is so clouded with emotion and you're not thinking straight. This isn't a smart decision on your part. Edited August 6, 2016 by Zahara 1
ChickiePops Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Thanks, I understand and agree to some extent about some of these points. I get it. I appreciate very much your perspective and words as they inspire various thoughts I hadn't considered. That said, respectfully, the focus of the forum has been diverted to something that is not the meat of the matter. Regardless of if he gets a hotel or if I verbalize that or not, I still have to figure out how to reestablish communication. Addition to that, there are other factors that I have not included in my post out of respect for his privacy and very personal confessions. So those too need to be accounted for but unfortunately I am not at liberty to discuss. There is much more to it and because of his specific situation I had to kind of hold off from what I would normally do...and wait for him to kind of sort his own sh*t out. Normally I would have no issue asserting myself, asking questions, etc. But HE is having a moment and as a human I feel I must allow him to have that moment to sort things out. It's human compassion. Now whether I am sane or not for allowing him into my home, etc., I understand the magnitude of what is going on here and my decisions...truly. But that is not the focus of why I posted in this forum. Thanks. You may have missed this in my post but..would you please explain why you can't just communicate with him that this is hurting your feelings and ask him to stop it?
Els Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Again??? :/ I dunno, OP, nervousness is normal but this guy's behavior isn't. Nervousness might excuse some awkward communication, but it isn't an excuse for cutting off communication entirely. Be very careful if you do choose to proceed.
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