Awwwkward...how to proceed?

[CiaoBellaaa]

Hey all, thanks in advance for your feedback. LDR, coming to meet for the first time soon, things got a little weird with the other one. Communication has slowed, he expressed hes "overwhelmed" with work, and he is. Im sure he also nervous about meeting me.

 

He expressed hes not had anyone in his life romantically for a few years. I think he is nervous about the situation...i let him know he can talk to me if he wants to discuss, but i left our last text exchange uplifting and supportive. Obviously he is going thru some emotional thing so i dont want to irritate him. But here is my concern: i also dont want him to think i dont care, either...because i do care very much.

 

I just want him to breathe and i want him to be okay without my popping in on him (i dont want to push him away). The other half of that is that since he is coming here soon, we need to re-establish communication.

 

I havent contacted him since i responded to his last message 3 days ago. Im not sure if i should reach out to him, wait for him to contact me, or how to proceed.

Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

Why don't you write to him what you wrote here? An edited version of this sentiment should work " i also dont want him to think i dont care, either...because i do care very much. I just want him to breathe and i want him to be okay without my popping in on him (i dont want to push him away). The other half of that is that since he is coming here soon, we need to re-establish communication"

[katiegrl]

Just out of curiosity, how long have you been communcating with each other?

 

Weeks, months?

 

How far apart are you?

 

Is he coming to meet you specifically? Or does he have friends in your area too?

 

Have you ever met him before?

 

I can only imagine the pressure of meeting for the first time after weeks/months of long distance interaction.

 

Exciting too though!

Edited August 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Sunkissedpatio]

I would be HIGHLY suspicious of someone whom I've devoted all this time in getting to know via email, phone etc. and when it comes to meeting all of a sudden is "swamped with work"

 

He is definitely hiding something. Best case scenario he is nervous about meeting. Why? Only he knows. Worst case, he is already attached. Equally worse, he is catfishing you. Unless you've already facetimed then you can eliminate that option.

 

I'd lay low, really really low. He already knows how you feel and that you care. When he is good and ready he will reach out but just be careful. Hopefully he is just being shy.

[CiaoBellaaa]

I would be HIGHLY suspicious of someone whom I've devoted all this time in getting to know via email, phone etc. and when it comes to meeting all of a sudden is "swamped with work"

 

He is definitely hiding something. Best case scenario he is nervous about meeting. Why? Only he knows. Worst case, he is already attached. Equally worse, he is catfishing you. Unless you've already facetimed then you can eliminate that option.

 

I'd lay low, really really low. He already knows how you feel and that you care. When he is good and ready he will reach out but just be careful. Hopefully he is just being shy.

 

 

 

Thanks Sunkissed. Will you please clarify by attached? As in attached to someone in his area?

 

Im pretty sure hes not catfishing me...we have done a lot of Skyping and spent hours/weeks talking. He is pretty legit, i would put money on it.

[katiegrl]

OP, without knowing him, my best guess is he is nervous as heck about meeting for the first time..... I sure would be!

 

Reassure him that it is okay no matter what happens!

 

If you have *in person* chemistry great!

 

If not, that's okay too!

 

Again, the pressure must be intense after weeks or months of interacting on line.

 

Contact him and try to reassure.

 

If he keeps making excuses about work or whatever, then consider telling him to forget it and move on.

 

I think this is the chance you take when taking up with someone on line long distance.

 

When the time comes to finally meet in person, one person freaks.

 

Online or long distance romances can be intense but they are also *safe* especially for folks with fears of relationship or commitment....

[CiaoBellaaa]

Just out of curiosity, how long have you been communcating with each other?

 

Weeks, months?

 

How far apart are you?

 

Is he coming to meet you specifically? Or does he have friends in your area too?

 

Have you ever met him before?

 

I can only imagine the pressure of meeting for the first time after weeks/months of long distance interaction.

 

Exciting too though!

 

 

-Well over two months.

-Hours apart...a full day's drive, a few hours on a plane.

-Me specifically, he does not know anyone in this area.

-Neither of us have met in person before, only Skype, photos, videos, texting, emailing, and days worth of phone calls.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yes sorry I meant he is already seeing someone/married.

 

Oh ok great! You've Skyped and he is who he says he is. Still, I'd think he would be really excited to meet in person especially since you shared so much communication and have met over camera.

 

Does he seem shy when you talk to him? What is outward behaviour like

when you skype?

[katiegrl]

-Well over two months.

-Hours apart...a full day's drive, a few hours on a plane.

-Me specifically, he does not know anyone in this area.

 

---

 

**-Neither of us have met in person before, only Skype, photos, videos, texting, emailing, and days worth of phone calls.

 

Well it seems with all that, there are now ALOT of expectations .... to *connect* in person when you meet.

 

It is too late to do it over, but with these types of long distance interactions, it is important to keep it *real* until you finally meet in person.

 

I know it's easy to get all caught up in everything, Skyping, all day phone conversations...etc, but all that does is build up a fantasy and raise expectations.

 

Anyway, now you are both left with all these expectations, and it sounds like he is freaking a bit.

 

Again, try to reassure but if he just can't hang with it, chalk it up to experience and move on.

Edited August 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[CiaoBellaaa]

Yes sorry I meant he is already seeing someone/married.

 

Oh ok great! You've Skyped and he is who he says he is. Still, I'd think he would be really excited to meet in person especially since you shared so much communication and have met over camera.

 

Does he seem shy when you talk to him? What is outward behaviour like

when you skype?

 

 

Definitely not married. He Skypes me from his bed and various areas of his house, also phone calls, at varying days of week/hours of day.

 

He is a laid back person but assertive, funny, sweet, fun to talk to...he is the chill-cool guy you'd want in your circle because he is fun, outgoing (but not obnoxious), great humor, witty, funny, innovative, and seems like he would be fun to hang with. I know regardless of his personality that he is shy about more personal experiences. Usually forthcoming with most things, but i can tell he is like a big teddy bear...doesnt at all come across as the player type. In the least.

 

He is a big sweetheart. He is very sevice-oriented with others and extremely considerate.

[CiaoBellaaa]

Well it seems with all that, there are now ALOT of expectations .... to *connect* in person when you meet.

 

It is too late to do it over, but with these types of long distance interactions, it is important to keep it *real* until you finally meet in person.

 

I know it's easy to get all caught up in everything, Skyping, all day phone conversations...etc, but all that does is build up a fantasy and raise expectations.

 

Anyway, now you are both left with all these expectations, and it sounds like he is freaking a bit.

 

Again, try to reassure but if he just can't hang with it, chalk it up to experience and move on.

 

Understood and agree to some extent. I told him a while ago the visit is going to be no pressure at all. I dont want to focus on romance or feeling pressure to be romantic. The purpose is to get to know each other and have fun! Im not sure he remembers this, though.

[CiaoBellaaa]

OP, without knowing him, my best guess is he is nervous as heck about meeting for the first time..... I sure would be!

 

Reassure him that it is okay no matter what happens!

 

If you have *in person* chemistry great!

 

If not, that's okay too!

 

Again, the pressure must be intense after weeks or months of interacting on line.

 

Contact him and try to reassure.

 

If he keeps making excuses about work or whatever, then consider telling him to forget it and move on.

 

I think this is the chance you take when taking up with someone on line long distance.

 

When the time comes to finally meet in person, one person freaks.

 

Online or long distance romances can be intense but they are also *safe* especially for folks with fears of relationship or commitment....

 

Well he can make talk about work...i understand. He does work like 50 hour + work weeks though, and before he got distant he shared some of his crazy work life. So im kinda thinking it is actually overehelming for him, and coupled with the pressure of the trip, im sure hes feeling crazy scared. I know i am. Im scared of getting hurt.

 

Ive read self help about guys "pulling away/needing space", and i read that the woman shouldnt go after him...just let him take a breather. But we havent even met. So idk if that applies to this situation????

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well he sounds fantastic CiaoBellaaa, I hope he gets over his "shyness" soon and you can meet up and make it official.

[CiaoBellaaa]

Well he sounds fantastic CiaoBellaaa, I hope he gets over his "shyness" soon and you can meet up and make it official.

 

 

Thanks...me too! Im thinking if i havent heard from him by tomorrow i will reach out...

[sunshine2]

I went through something similar and it didn't turn out well. The problem is you create a fantasy about each other. You can text, skype, tango, whatsapp, talk on the phone and you feel like you really know each other but its all not real until you meet.

 

After 3 years of communicating on and off with my LDR we finally met. We were both extremely nervous about it all. We had some laughs and got along, but something felt off from the moment I met him. After that meet up I never heard from him again. He never even checked to be sure I made it home after driving another 2 hours home. Even friends do that. At this point, I hope I never hear from him again. So be careful with all that communication. Its not real.

 

I would suggest that you set up a time to meet stop all the extra communication with him until you actually meet each other and see if there really is something there between you both.

[Els]

It's totally normal to feel nervous before a first meeting, but I don't think you should respond by pulling away from each other - that seems counterproductive to the goal. I think you two should just continue talking as normal, be relaxed about things. If you two were meant to be, the first meet will be fine and you'll both connect eventually, even if things are a bit awkward for the first couple of hours (which again, is totally normal). And if you weren't, well, at least you know sooner rather than later, and at least you gave it a shot.

 

If it helps, my first meeting with my SO was amazing. That was ages ago, heck we even closed the distance ages ago, but I still have fond memories of it. So not all first meets are disaster stories. I also know some other couples who met online and are together IRL now many years later. One of those couples is expecting their second child now.

 

Breathe! Talk to him as normal. All the best.

[CiaoBellaaa]

I went through something similar and it didn't turn out well. The problem is you create a fantasy about each other. You can text, skype, tango, whatsapp, talk on the phone and you feel like you really know each other but its all not real until you meet.

 

After 3 years of communicating on and off with my LDR we finally met. We were both extremely nervous about it all. We had some laughs and got along, but something felt off from the moment I met him. After that meet up I never heard from him again. He never even checked to be sure I made it home after driving another 2 hours home. Even friends do that. At this point, I hope I never hear from him again. So be careful with all that communication. Its not real.

 

I would suggest that you set up a time to meet stop all the extra communication with him until you actually meet each other and see if there really is something there between you both.

 

Wow, jeeze...im really sorry to hear that! I assume you both exchanged photos (full length) and video chatted prior to meeting?

[CiaoBellaaa]

It's totally normal to feel nervous before a first meeting, but I don't think you should respond by pulling away from each other - that seems counterproductive to the goal. I think you two should just continue talking as normal, be relaxed about things. If you two were meant to be, the first meet will be fine and you'll both connect eventually, even if things are a bit awkward for the first couple of hours (which again, is totally normal). And if you weren't, well, at least you know sooner rather than later, and at least you gave it a shot.

 

If it helps, my first meeting with my SO was amazing. That was ages ago, heck we even closed the distance ages ago, but I still have fond memories of it. So not all first meets are disaster stories. I also know some other couples who met online and are together IRL now many years later. One of those couples is expecting their second child now.

 

Breathe! Talk to him as normal. All the best.

 

 

@Elswyth, thank you! I agree about the distance comment...let me ask you - since he expressed to me what he did, i took it as him feeling nervous and emotional about making the reality come to life (no longer hiding behind phone screens). Do you think i should proactively reach out to him or give him a little space? I heard guys, when they need space, dont like it when the girl reaches out before he is ready/processed everything. Im afraid if i reach out to him it will push him away, but you are on point and we do need to connect, soon, because he will be here soon! So should i reach out or wait for him to? If you suggest waiting, how long? It has been 3 days now simce our last exchange.

[Els]

@Elswyth, thank you! I agree about the distance comment...let me ask you - since he expressed to me what he did, i took it as him feeling nervous and emotional about making the reality come to life (no longer hiding behind phone screens). Do you think i should proactively reach out to him or give him a little space? I heard guys, when they need space, dont like it when the girl reaches out before he is ready/processed everything. Im afraid if i reach out to him it will push him away, but you are on point and we do need to connect, soon, because he will be here soon! So should i reach out or wait for him to? If you suggest waiting, how long? It has been 3 days now simce our last exchange.

 

3 days is plenty of time, I'd heartily recommend a light-hearted conversation right away. If that pushes him away, there are bigger issues at hand I'm afraid.

[CiaoBellaaa]

3 days is plenty of time, I'd heartily recommend a light-hearted conversation right away. If that pushes him away, there are bigger issues at hand I'm afraid.

 

@Elswyth - thank you! It's very late now so it looks like, to be respectful, i will have to wait until tomorrow. Appreciate your feedback, thank you!

[katiegrl]

Understood and agree to some extent. I told him a while ago the visit is going to be no pressure at all.

 

I dont want to focus on romance or feeling pressure to be romantic. The purpose is to get to know each other and have fun! Im not sure he remembers this, though.

 

CiaoBella... in reading this^^, what type of RL do you have?

 

It sounds more like a friendship than a romantic RL.

 

I mean, you don't want to focus on being romantic or feeling pressure to be romantic? Do you mean sex?

 

I mean let's face it, without sex there IS no romance, it's a friendship.

 

Even on line, however it's still important to keep it real.... by keeping options open, dating others, by not spending hours on end on Skype and phone.

 

That is not realistic and like I said before it only fosters the fantasy and increases expectations.

 

What do you guys talk about? Do you speak of your attraction, sexual attraction?

 

Because if you do, which would be perfectly normal, then of course there is going to be some pressure to continue that when you meet in person.

 

He knows that and you know that.

 

So to tell him you don't want there to be any pressure to be "romantic" seems a bit disingenuous IMO.

 

Anyway, have you contacted him, spoken to him? What happened? Is he coming to visit?

Edited August 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

You know what I would do if meeting a man for the first time in person after interacting for weeks or months on line?

 

I would fly to his area, stay with a friend or a hotel, arrange to meet at some club one night, walk in the club, look for him .... and then walk up to him and ask him if I could buy him a drink!! lol

 

Something totally playful like that, just like people do when they meet at a bar or club in the real world.

 

Only difference is, we would know each other from our interactions on line ... but being playful like that alleviates some of the pressure that would naturally occur when meeting someone you've been interacting with on line for the first time.

Edited August 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[CiaoBellaaa]

In short...new guy, LDR, coming in just a few days to visit. He went MIA for a few days...he resurfaced and lmk that he was nervous to some extent and had some anxiety about meeting me for the first time (which is totally normal and I shared with him I do too), and that the visit triggered a few internal thought processes for him...wanted to reach out but needed the time to (in essence) process it. Also let me know that he was excited to see me but the excitement does nothing for the anxiety. Okay great. That's out of the way, I responded, reassured him, etc. I thought that because we had kind of opened the lines of communication that we would start talking again...but apparently I am mistaken. So he is to be here in a few days for our first meeting and I have not heard from him again. I realize he could be tying up loose ends, working through nervousness, etc etc., but tbh it seems counterintuitive that the communication is not being had. I don't want him to show up and to have the "elephant in the room" type thing...because obviously I am being ignored here. I understand his situation, but I'm going to have to assert that I can't be ignored and solicit his feedback on how to rectify - but I think the timing for that is bad right now. RIGHT NOW...I am asking for your help with how to proceed - do I contact him or not? Do I wait for him to contact me? I'm going to need contact from him so I know to head down to the airport to pick him up...so the silence is becoming extremely awkward. Mens advice/perspective welcome please. Thanks in advance!

[CiaoBellaaa]

In short...new guy, LDR, coming in just a few days to visit. He went MIA for a few days...he resurfaced and lmk that he was nervous to some extent and had some anxiety about meeting me for the first time (which is totally normal and I shared with him I do too), and that the visit triggered a few internal thought processes for him...

 

I wanted to reach out but needed the time to (in essence) process it. Also let me know that he was excited to see me but the excitement does nothing for the anxiety. Okay great. That's out of the way, I responded, reassured him, etc. I thought that because we had kind of opened the lines of communication that we would start talking again...but apparently I am mistaken. So he is to be here in a few days for our first meeting and I have not heard from him again.

 

I realize he could be tying up loose ends, working through nervousness, etc etc., but tbh it seems counterintuitive that the communication is not being had. I don't want him to show up and to have the "elephant in the room" type thing...because obviously I am being ignored here. I understand his situation, but I'm going to have to assert that I can't be ignored and solicit his feedback on how to rectify - but I think the timing for that is bad right now.

 

RIGHT NOW...I am asking for your help with how to proceed - do I contact him or not? Do I wait for him to contact me? I'm going to need contact from him so I know to head down to the airport to pick him up...so the silence is becoming extremely awkward.

 

Mens advice/perspective welcome please. Thanks in advance!

Edited August 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ChickiePops]

Have you/can you tell him how much it bothers you that he's not talking to you?