CiaoBellaaa Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Hi all...hoping to have some men chime in here for perspective. So I am new to the dating scene again and am starting to realize I missed the memo on a lot of dos/donts with men over the years. I have done introspective work and realized that I have missed the emotional connection part. Now I know what I am missing, I need help/direction with how to establish it. I am not scared to be vulnerable or connect with a man on a deeper level. I guess I'm just not so sure how to go about it, how to initiate. So since I've got the intellectual/physical attraction/sex appeal thing nailed down, hoping to have some input on the other parts that help a woman establish a real (emotional) connection. Thanks in advance!
Larryville Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 input on the other parts that help a woman establish a real (emotional) connection. No magic formula, stuff like that just happens. Usually boils down to can BOTH live in the moment and get it. However to do that BOTH must be emotionally intuitive enough to some degree. People these days have their guards up, or are closed off from others, often go through the motions rather than feeling emotions. The dating grounds are more and more populated with these types of people. I meet or have met a lot of nice women but it is clear they go through their days on autopilot, and though their bodies might be there but they are not really present, either because men have screwed them or frustrated them so hence every man they meet they feel “less” Then the flip side, the men get frustrated and confused and mirror the negative vibes on the next woman… it’s a vicious circle. People are poor at reading other people, they lack empathy because someone in tuned with themselves and the object of their desire, someone who really cares will notice when you are not engaged in the moment. They will notice your lack of eye contact and they will notice when you fail to laugh at one of their jokes because you weren't really listening. If you are rude and boorish (but fail at recognizing the signs of your boorish, rude behavior you think is funny and cute) there is an immediate disconnect. Hence the countless threads “I keep failing, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” It takes a special type of person to be able to force you to be in the moment, to get you to engage. How this person accomplishes this varies and is discovered through trial and error of what works and what doesn't and some people never truly ever get it. Sometimes the emotional connections comes from just simply giving a damn on a deeper selfless level. Does those you meet early on (assuming they are really interested) sometimes understand that he or she needs to take all of the initiative, especially in the beginning, to “earn” your trust? Are they putting out sincere effort? Do they want to get to know ALL of you, the good, the bad, the ugly and engage you honestly and unselfishly, non-judgmental? This gets back to someone’s intuitiveness because this contributes to his or her willingness to put more effort in with you. Noticing what types of situations seem to relax you and what puts you in a good mood. Been only a couple of people who did this for me almost from the very beginning. It’s like winning the freaking lottery. Folks get on here seeking and searching for some magic answer from some strangers thinking just do a few things right and magically it appears. I do know that emotional connection does indeed exist but kinda like someone running into a crystal clear glass door… oh crap I did not know it was there! You have found the first step, your enthusiasm and seemingly true interest in actually seeking that emotional connection or bond. I hope you find it. 1
katiegrl Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 (edited) Hi all...hoping to have some men chime in here for perspective. So I am new to the dating scene again and am starting to realize I missed the memo on a lot of dos/donts with men over the years. I have done introspective work and realized that I have missed the emotional connection part. Now I know what I am missing, I need help/direction with how to establish it. I am not scared to be vulnerable or connect with a man on a deeper level. I guess I'm just not so sure how to go about it, how to initiate. So since I've got the intellectual/physical attraction/sex appeal thing nailed down, hoping to have some input on the other parts that help a woman establish a real (emotional) connection. Thanks in advance! Geez.... I need help with how to NOT establish/develop an emotional connection. Sometimes it's better to be light and casual, easy breezy, at least for while anyway. Depends on the situation I guess though. Anyway, I don't think there is any magic formula (as Larryville said), when you have true and genuine chemistry with a man, beyond the physical, you simply be real, honest and OPEN..... and speak from your heart. When you speak from your heart, it makes it easier for him to speak from his heart.... and when you're both speaking from your hearts (and I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, just an honest way), it's very easy to establish that connection. Problem is, most people these days are so phony and disingenuous and play so many games, it's difficult feeling comfortable enough to speak from your heart, but when you find someone you click with, where you can both toss all your pretenses aside.... you'll know it, you will feel it.... and the rest just comes naturally. ETA: Don't you have your virtual bf coming to visit in a few days? From your earlier posts about him, I would have presumed you had developed that connection. Edited August 6, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author CiaoBellaaa Posted August 6, 2016 Author Posted August 6, 2016 Geez.... I need help with how to NOT establish/develop an emotional connection. Sometimes it's better to be light and casual, easy breezy, at least for while anyway. Depends on the situation I guess though. Anyway, I don't think there is any magic formula (as Larryville said), when you have true and genuine chemistry with a man, beyond the physical, you simply be real, honest and OPEN..... and speak from your heart. When you speak from your heart, it makes it easier for him to speak from his heart.... and when you're both speaking from your hearts (and I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, just an honest way), it's very easy to establish that connection. Problem is, most people these days are so phony and disingenuous and play so many games, it's difficult feeling comfortable enough to speak from your heart, but when you find someone you click with, where you can both toss all your pretenses aside.... you'll know it, you will feel it.... and the rest just comes naturally. ETA: Don't you have your virtual bf coming to visit in a few days? From your earlier posts about him, I would have presumed you had developed that connection. @Katie, yes we have. All I am saying is that I think having those convos behind a phone/screen are much different than in person. And this guy is different for me than any and all of those I've experienced in my past...that is because there *is* this emotional intimacy that we've established. I just think sometimes ... I over-analyze and I worry about timing. When to say this, when not to say that, what if I say this and it causes him to shut down, etc. I've never really learned about this sort of a connection until recently when it did just happen naturally...and then I started to become more curious about it. I just never really understood it and how it all works. IDK why so many women miss these sorts of cues and pieces of information on how to navigate dating and relationships. So now I'm being introspective because I realize that for so many years and for so many relationships, it was that very piece that was missing...I was so clueless! So now I kind of have an idea of how it all works, I'm trying to fix what is wrong - my lack of awareness and knowledge. Also, I don't really have issues being vulnerable...at least I think, idk maybe I do, but I guess that wall is starting to come down and it has everything to do with how we have been relating to each other. I still worry about rejection when I share because I have been in abusive relationships in the past. So I recognize that there was a block and I am working on it and it is slowly changing. Timing...that is my biggest thing I guess, and just, in person, moving beyond the initial phases.
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