Do I say something now or wait 5 months?

[sparkle222]

I have a close guy friend, Matt, we've known each other for a while but got really close over the past few months, sharing a lot of personal stuff and having flirty banter. I thought something might happen but I guess the timing was off (the times we planned to go out fell through), and it was probably a good thing because he had plans to go traveling for 6 months (which he is now doing).

 

Anyway, I assumed we'd just fall out of touch once he was gone but he kept it up and we sent each other really long messages almost daily, talking about silly/everyday stuff but then a lot of really personal stuff. So it's been over a month of that. Last week I came back after a night out and he saw I was online and started messaging me; I was a bit drunk but he wasn't. He initiated a pretty explicit conversation (just generally) and then it turned into us 'joking' about us sleeping together..but I don't know if it was joking. He's said several times that he's actually really sensitive and a relationship-guy, who's been really burned in the past (which is true), although from his very chilled, bro demeanour I probably wouldn't have guessed it.

 

Anyway, ever since that conversation (which was about 3 hours) it's been completely awkward and he basically hasn't spoken/responded to my (totally normal) couple of texts. I don't know if he's just busy or if he's feeling awkward; normally he doesn't really get inhibited about social situations, but this was obviously a bit different.

 

So initially I was just going to wait a few more days and then say "hey, are we cool? I just want to check that things aren't weird after that conversation".

 

However, the truth is I do sort of like him, especially since we've bonded recently. I sort of really want to talk about what happened/where we might go. My (girl) friends think I shouldn't say anything because it won't really make a difference, given he's traveling and I won't see him until end December, and he's previously said he wasn't looking for a relationship while travelling. I also don't want to completely embarrass myself if I've totally misread all the signs.

 

But then I was talking to a male friend today and he said people should just be upfront and that I really have nothing to lose; if he responds badly then at least that's a sign he's not right for me. So I was thinking maybe I should just send him a message saying

 

"1. I hope things aren't weird after that conversation, and

2. I know this is bad timing but given it all, I just wanted to be upfront: i like you, i know it's silly to even bring this up while you're away, but i guess at the moment i felt i'd like to see where things go when you're back. (i know plenty will actually have changed by then, so I don't want to try to bind anything but i just wanted to put it out there.)

 

I hope saying this doesn't make things awkward—it just sort of got to the point where i wasn't sure if we were really joking in the last conversation or not. but i really want us to be friends regardless so i hope this doesn’t make things weird!"

 

Thoughts? Is this a terrible idea that will really backfire and embarrass me? Does it come off as sickly nice and/or too desperate? Or is it ok? I'm trying to imagine myself receiving this from someone, and the problem is part of me thinks I'd probably laugh at the person and think they were annoying/desperate for anything that talks to them, but I guess I'd be touched if I really liked him.

Edited August 5, 2016 by sparkle222

[DramaInPajamas]

Leave it. He had an explicit conversation with you while you were drunk and is now ignoring your texts.

 

Keep your dignity.

 

Insouciance is the key here.

 

Never speak of it again unless he does.

[leogirl876]

I wouldn't say anything and I don't think he was joking about the sex. If you were gonna say something, I wouldn't bring up the conversation, I'd act like nothing and say something like "how's it going?" or something like but don't bring up the awkwardness.

[sparkle222]

Wait so why do I leave it? As in what was his goal with the whole thing/why is he ignoring me? I didn't mention it so why can't we just go back to being friends (or talk if there's something more).

[smackie9]

What I see is a guy that gets friend zoned. He's pulled back because he showed vulnerability, and is kicking himself for looking weak. Plus you being drunk, he's thinking it's just the alcohol talking. I truly believe he really does like you, he's just afraid it's all bs coming from you. What to do? You can try first to hint that you would like be BF/GF. I'm sure you can figure that out. Be fun and flirty and consistent. Don't give up....

[leogirl876]

Wait so why do I leave it? As in what was his goal with the whole thing/why is he ignoring me? I didn't mention it so why can't we just go back to being friends (or talk if there's something more).

 

Just continue being his friend then, but don't bring up any kind of relationship stuff.

[DramaInPajamas]

Wait so why do I leave it? As in what was his goal with the whole thing/why is he ignoring me? I didn't mention it so why can't we just go back to being friends (or talk if there's something more).

 

Because he feels awkward now. Thinks you want more: which you do and maybe he doesnt want it to go any further.

[sparkle222]

Argh so one person thinks that he's feeling awkward because he's friend zoned and another because he thinks I'm into him and he isn't into me back.

 

How on earth do I tell which one it is ?!

[DramaInPajamas]

Argh so one person thinks that he's feeling awkward because he's friend zoned and another because he thinks I'm into him and he isn't into me back.

 

How on earth do I tell which one it is ?!

 

Just go ahead and ask him.

[Mrin]

What I see is a guy that gets friend zoned. He's pulled back because he showed vulnerability, and is kicking himself for looking weak. Plus you being drunk, he's thinking it's just the alcohol talking. I truly believe he really does like you, he's just afraid it's all bs coming from you. What to do? You can try first to hint that you would like be BF/GF. I'm sure you can figure that out. Be fun and flirty and consistent. Don't give up....

 

This 100%.

 

If I were in his shoes this is exactly what I would be thinking.

[Versacehottie]

I have a close guy friend, Matt, we've known each other for a while but got really close over the past few months, sharing a lot of personal stuff and having flirty banter. I thought something might happen but I guess the timing was off (the times we planned to go out fell through), and it was probably a good thing because he had plans to go traveling for 6 months (which he is now doing).

 

Anyway, I assumed we'd just fall out of touch once he was gone but he kept it up and we sent each other really long messages almost daily, talking about silly/everyday stuff but then a lot of really personal stuff. So it's been over a month of that. Last week I came back after a night out and he saw I was online and started messaging me; I was a bit drunk but he wasn't. He initiated a pretty explicit conversation (just generally) and then it turned into us 'joking' about us sleeping together..but I don't know if it was joking. He's said several times that he's actually really sensitive and a relationship-guy, who's been really burned in the past (which is true), although from his very chilled, bro demeanour I probably wouldn't have guessed it.

 

Anyway, ever since that conversation (which was about 3 hours) it's been completely awkward and he basically hasn't spoken/responded to my (totally normal) couple of texts. I don't know if he's just busy or if he's feeling awkward; normally he doesn't really get inhibited about social situations, but this was obviously a bit different.

 

So initially I was just going to wait a few more days and then say "hey, are we cool? I just want to check that things aren't weird after that conversation".

 

However, the truth is I do sort of like him, especially since we've bonded recently. I sort of really want to talk about what happened/where we might go. My (girl) friends think I shouldn't say anything because it won't really make a difference, given he's traveling and I won't see him until end December, and he's previously said he wasn't looking for a relationship while travelling. I also don't want to completely embarrass myself if I've totally misread all the signs.

 

But then I was talking to a male friend today and he said people should just be upfront and that I really have nothing to lose; if he responds badly then at least that's a sign he's not right for me. So I was thinking maybe I should just send him a message saying

 

"1. I hope things aren't weird after that conversation, and

2. I know this is bad timing but given it all, I just wanted to be upfront: i like you, i know it's silly to even bring this up while you're away, but i guess at the moment i felt i'd like to see where things go when you're back. (i know plenty will actually have changed by then, so I don't want to try to bind anything but i just wanted to put it out there.)

 

I hope saying this doesn't make things awkward—it just sort of got to the point where i wasn't sure if we were really joking in the last conversation or not. but i really want us to be friends regardless so i hope this doesn’t make things weird!"

 

Thoughts? Is this a terrible idea that will really backfire and embarrass me? Does it come off as sickly nice and/or too desperate? Or is it ok? I'm trying to imagine myself receiving this from someone, and the problem is part of me thinks I'd probably laugh at the person and think they were annoying/desperate for anything that talks to them, but I guess I'd be touched if I really liked him.

 

Here's yet another perspective: I think what your guy friend told you and what you are planning to say (bolded above) is great. What do you have to lose? I think it's just honest and not desperate. You are talking about the elephant in the room and being fine with whatever happens. Idk, he's been contacting you every day from a 6 month trip?? Sounds like he's as into it as you are. Listen it may initially backfire the tiniest bit--guys are typically reluctant to overcommit OR be in something from afar. But I'd be surprised that if you could be fine with being his friend if he gave you a non-committal answer if he didn't take you up on it when he got back. Look at his actions now. Sometimes being the vulnerable one when you do it with confidence (which is exactly what is displayed in your statement above) is actually one of the most attractive things you can do. If he's not really into it via words, then pull back a bit, about 1/3 but show him that you are fine with being friends and still be flirty and I bet it will turn around. good luck

[sparkle222]

Well so I went ahead and talked to him and it did not really go how I expected.

 

He messaged me just being like oh wanna talk, so we started chatting about whatever and somehow we got on the subject of mutual friends and he started going on about how a close mutual friend is really hot and how he wants to ask her out but doesn't feel confident enough to do so. I felt suddenly quite put out and it showed, and he asked if there was an elephant in the room. I said (eventually) that I'd got the feeling maybe he was into me and that it was a bit embarrassing to be proved wrong like that. After a kind of pulling teeth discussion what emerged was that we had both found it getting weird and feeling feelings and sort of wondering what might happen when we return - hook up, start something etc. He said he didn't know what he wanted. By then I wasn't sure either. So that wasn't really resolved and he apologised for going on about our friend and not realising that was insensitive.

 

However he then proceeded to introspect for about 2 hours about how he hasn't been able to have a relationship for ages and really wants someone and how does one know or choose etc.. And while talking about the girls who are sort of options I suppose he brought up our friend again. Honeslry by now any warm mushy vibes I'd had when we first started talking about feelings for each other were gone. I felt like crap so I just randomly chose a nice guy I know and started talking about how he'd be a nice boyfriend.

 

He was nice insofar as he kept saying how great I am and how much he loves talking but I basically just got the vibe that I am not hot enough for him the way my friend is, and that is that. As in i wouldn't be a top choice, hence why he's probably always joking about sleeping with me but never anything more serious.

 

I basically felt like ****, he was making fun of my ex saying I could do much better and in my head I was like .. Whom?! You think you're better and also too good for me!

 

Anyway at least I know so I can stop being such a doormat of a friend to him. Any advice /reassurance ?

[elaine567]

Because he feels awkward now. Thinks you want more: which you do and maybe he doesn't want it to go any further.

 

Seems this ^^^ is what really happened,.

He got comfortable talking to you about everything and anything, but he was not interested in you, just your hot friend.

My guess is that he wants to keep you onboard so that when he does come home, he can get to know your hot friend better through knowing you.

 

He is not "confused" about what he wants, he just didn't see it coming that YOU were interested and of course that is not what he wants, so he has to now try and avoid hurting your feelings, but actually he is making a poor job of it.

Seems that your friend is uppermost in his mind.

 

Sorry!

[266696687]

Well so I went ahead and talked to him and it did not really go how I expected.

 

He messaged me just being like oh wanna talk, so we started chatting about whatever and somehow we got on the subject of mutual friends and he started going on about how a close mutual friend is really hot and how he wants to ask her out but doesn't feel confident enough to do so. I felt suddenly quite put out and it showed, and he asked if there was an elephant in the room. I said (eventually) that I'd got the feeling maybe he was into me and that it was a bit embarrassing to be proved wrong like that. After a kind of pulling teeth discussion what emerged was that we had both found it getting weird and feeling feelings and sort of wondering what might happen when we return - hook up, start something etc. He said he didn't know what he wanted. By then I wasn't sure either. So that wasn't really resolved and he apologised for going on about our friend and not realising that was insensitive.

 

However he then proceeded to introspect for about 2 hours about how he hasn't been able to have a relationship for ages and really wants someone and how does one know or choose etc.. And while talking about the girls who are sort of options I suppose he brought up our friend again. Honeslry by now any warm mushy vibes I'd had when we first started talking about feelings for each other were gone. I felt like crap so I just randomly chose a nice guy I know and started talking about how he'd be a nice boyfriend.

 

He was nice insofar as he kept saying how great I am and how much he loves talking but I basically just got the vibe that I am not hot enough for him the way my friend is, and that is that. As in i wouldn't be a top choice, hence why he's probably always joking about sleeping with me but never anything more serious.

 

I basically felt like ****, he was making fun of my ex saying I could do much better and in my head I was like .. Whom?! You think you're better and also too good for me!

 

Anyway at least I know so I can stop being such a doormat of a friend to him. Any advice /reassurance ?

 

That sucks he was really insensitive towards you especially bringing up your friend.

 

At least you know what his intentions are towards you now so you can stop thinking about it. What you did took real courage. Don't allow him to make you feel like crap. When he comes back just keep things strictly platonic if you see him at all. At least you know that if he starts flirting or chasing you that his intentions are simply to sleep with you. He has given you the heads up so at least you know not to waste a minute more of your romantic feelings on him.

 

He is away right now so take the opportunity to use this time to move on. Pull away from the friendship to give yourself some space and maybe you'll meet someone else and won't even be interested in him by the time he returns.

 

He sounds a little immature and insensitive anyway particularly as he went on about your friend (disregarding the convo that took place previously between you and him). So think yourself lucky! Why do you want to be with someone who treats you that way?

[sparkle222]

Yeah I've never thought empathy was his strong suit, I think it just sucked a bit to feel that someone was investing all this time talking to me but ultimately really wanted to get with my hot friend. I actually had always thought he liked her but when he kept messaging me and not her I thought dunno, maybe something has changed, because I figured well you should be messaging someone you're into. Even after he said he had feelings for me he didn't go anywhere with it and basically then got insensitive all over again. I'm usually careful with these things and I'm kicking myself.

 

I imagine he would be nice to you if he were dating you but this wasn't nice. I'm decent looking bht this friend is truly hot, and it just sucks that even mediocre looking guys like himself would take the possibility of that that over someone right here. But he said he'd always take the best looking girl over anything so there we go.

 

The truth is I never even really liked him because I thought he was a bit of a jerk but all our conversations messed with my head and now I just feel like an idiot because those gut instincts were right. Waste of time and emotions (even if just for 2 weeks or so).

[266696687]

There you go lack of empathy is another reason to steer clear of him.

 

Sounds like he was talking to you in order to get to your friend like Elaine said above. Don't waste anymore time on him.

 

Your gut imstincts were right he is a jerk. He was playing nice with you in order to get something he wanted in the long run. Contact with your friend.

 

Be grateful you found out now.

[sparkle222]

Well he's friends with her too he doesn't need me. I asked him why he's bothered talking so much to me and he was like oh the convos have just been really good and you're awesome. Great.