Mr. Right left me for good

[summergirl]

Hi all, i'm glad i found this forum. Sorry for the long post, i'm confused.

 

My BF just broke me up 2 months ago after almost 4 years together. The reason is because he doesnt want to stuck with the same girl forever, I was his first GF and his 1st love (btw I'm 25 and he's 24). He wanted to get to know other girls and feel the 'spark' again with someone else, he's looking for new adventures. He doesnt wanna do it behind my back (cheated on me). He also said that he still love me but not in love with me anymore.

 

At that time I can understand what he wants, I was sad but still can handle it. We still had contact just like usual. But then I found out a month after we broke up he had a new GF, which is his university friend (me and my ex went to different universities and just graduated at the same time). I felt so beaten up, started from I found out about it I felt that we really had broke up and he left me alone. I'm so brokenhearted and in pain, never in my life i felt so depressed.

 

I cried everyday and night and he knew it, I begged and pled him to come back to me and to give me 2nd chance if I ever done anything wrong. But he said it wasnt my fault at all, it was just him that didnt want to settle. When i asked whether or not we will ever get back together again he couldnt answer. But he told me that his new GF is not as pretty and good as me, not really his type and I'm still the best for him.

 

When we were together we never really had big problems, we broke up a couple of times before because of some small fights and got back together again. I never imagined this to happen betwen us. I love him deeply, he's very caring, loving, smart, funny, all my friends and my mom love him, he's near perfect for me. We were VERY close, we can talk about anything. Our social lifes were pretty much limited when we were together. For me he's not only a BF but also a very best friend, a brother, an advisor, a bodyguard, everything. Before we broke up I started to think that he was the Mr.Right! I have to admit that in our relationship though I really love him but I didnt show my love to him as much as he did, i really regret it. He really adored me, he showered me with compliments and gifts! I was so depend on him in making decissions and about alsmost everything.

 

Now since I began to read some helpful tips of how to handle brokenheart and hang out with my supportive friends, it cheers me up. I can limit my contacts, i can hold the urge to call him. He still calls me and wants to see me, i can resist the temptation to spend time with him. In our conversation i'm no longer talking about my emotion, my feelings, or our relationship anymore. But sometimes i still miss him very badly. EVERYTHING reminds me of him, even when i go to the grocery store! I cant spend 24/7 with my friends all the time, i often feel so blue at home or at work.

 

I'm not too sad anymore and I think i'm ready to move on now, but still confused about many things:

 

1. I'm obsessed about why he chose her new GF, what so great about her compare to me, what he sees in her that i dont have? Is he as happy with her as he is with me? How to get rid off the thoughts of wanting to know what are they doing right now?

 

2. Is the reason my ex dumped me (because he needs to feel in love again) is true, or has he already had feelings/ connection to that girl before we broke up?

 

3. Why dont I have desire to know new people, meet new guys? I'm not interested at all to start all over again from the begining.

 

4. Should I concern about the hope that someday we'll be together again, or that kind of thought destructive for me?

 

5. How to change my mind set so i can except the truth that i'm not special anymore for him? I decided to make limited contacts with him. I still need to talk to him, to feel him around me. I just cant totally make him out of my life, but in the other hand i feel like i only have the crumbles of what we have left.

 

6. My friends told me to cheer up like i've already recovered from the pain in front of him, and i need to get in shape again (i lost weight i'm so skinny now). I think those are great ideas and i'm doing it right now, but am i doing it for him or for myself???

 

Man, i still have sooo many questions and desperately need your responds.

 

Thanks so much...

[Cwazydude]

1: The new girl is probably very loose.

 

2: Yeah, Some people get tired of the same old stuff, They fear settlement and a "Comfort Zone". A girlfriend I had, Had the same problem. It really, Really sucks.

 

3: Cuz you still want him, After as long as you were with him it's harder to move on.

 

4: No, Don't think about it. Move on, I know it's easier said then done, i really do. But it's your only option.

 

5: Don't change for him, It's useless. He already said it's not you, And he's telling the truth. I know you think you need him, but you really don't. Turn your heart to stone and live on without him. You lived before him you can live after him

 

6: For yourself, The only thing you need to do for him is tell him to go to hell.

 

I know it seems like this is the end of the world, but it's not. You seem like a smart girl, I'm sure you can get though this, and hopefully this will all work out for the better. Life is what you make of it.

[summergirl]

Thanks for the quick response, dude What do you mean by the new girl is probably very loose? That they havent developed a bond yet?

How could he transfered his love from me to her that fast? I cant even see other guys are interesting.

I know it's sad but i already pictured my future with him

[lindya]

He's been a bit part of your life for several years, so recovering from this isn't going to be an overnight job I'm afraid.

 

Naturally, you see him through rose-tinted spectacles...so you're taking hope from things he's saying and doing. Things that, to an objective observer, actually sound a bit like tackiness on his part.

 

First of all, he hasn't been particularly honest with you. He led you to believe that the break up stemmed merely from his need for new experiences. As it transpired (and as it so often does) he already had a new partner lined up. To add to the tackiness, he is now contacting you in order to compare this new girlfriend unfavourably to you. That's disloyal to her (and I know that's hardly going to be an issue for you to be concerned about - but again, I'm just taking an objective stance). It's also designed to keep you dangling.

 

It might take you a while to feel ready to start again with someone new. Your faith in men, and in yourself, has taken a dent - so the focus just now should really be on taking care of yourself and learning to adjust to being single again. Just ignore anyone who makes you feel like you're not "over it" until you're in a new relationship; take things at your own pace. I think it would very much be in your interests to avoid having any contact with your ex, as you really don't need to hear him rabbiting on about his new relationship - particularly if he is doing so in a way that's unflattering towards the new girlfriend. That's designed purely to encourage you to think the two of you will get back together. Immature of him, and extremely unfair.

 

I have no idea whether, eventually, the two of you will get back together - but at the moment he needs to get a very clear message that dumping you and getting it on with someone else immediately afterwards means that you are 100% gone from his life. Possibly forever

[lamar_84]

I HAD SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN TO ME. EXCEPT MY EX GOT PREGNANT BY SOME OTHER GUY A MONTH AFTER SHE BROKE UP WITH ME. HER REASON FOR BREAKING UP FOR ME WAS THAT SHE WAS STILL YOUNG AND WANTED TO HAVE FUN..

 

IN YOUR CASE MAYBE HE WANTS TO SEE HOW IT IS WITH OTHER WOMAN BEFORE HE GET 100% SERIOUS WITH YOU......HE WILL COME BACK AROUND, JUST DONT DEPEND ON IT

[Zaira]

Maybe he's just testing to see if the grass really is greener on the other side. Don't wait for him - go and find your own happiness without him. If he comes back, then great, you can make the effort to make it really work this time. If not, then you should know that there IS someone that deserves you out there. REMEMBER, you can NOT make someone love you

[Fallen_Angel]

Hi summer,

 

This will be take two. I'm sorry for what you're going through. If it's any consolation, I'm three months in to a very similar situation.

 

I still have a lot of questions for my ex, and I've already asked him so many! I'll never understand what compels a guy to throw away something so wonderful. I'm not trying to say my relationship was perfect, because nothing in life IS perfect, but he did admit he was an idiot for doing this to me because I treated him so well. Jerk.

 

Anyhow, I think the only thing your ex's girl has going for her is that she's "new." I don't think there's any way to know whether he's happy with her or not, and you shouldn't want to know anyway. Your time is much too precious. Occupy your time with other things so you don't have the time or energy to worry about whatever it is he might be doing.

 

I don't know much about these things, and I'm not a guy, but I figure the dumper obviously has more time to get used to the idea of a breakup and usually has someone else in mind at the time. It's a horrible, horrible thing. But you know what? Somewhere down the line, he'll get hurt. The universe will catch up with him.

 

It took me a while to notice cute guys. They all seemed to blend in with the scenery. Then all of a sudden I thought, holy crap, there are LOTS of cute guys out there! Granted, I don't know how to approach any of them. A tramautic situation like the one you're going through really kicks your fear of rejection into overdrive. But as my friend put it, someday (eventually!) I'll get to have the new relationship butterflies all over again. Of course you were comfortable with your ex, and you're going to miss that. But once upon a time, you two were in the getting-to-know-you phase. Do you remember? Didn't the world seem different...somehow more electric?! You have that to look forward to, when you're ready. Take as much time as you need, and don't feel pressured to conform to anyone else's timetable.

 

I've read that at the outset of something stressful, like a breakup, your body churns out all sorts of chemicals to insulate you from the shock. I think hope is one of these things. It is SO comforting to hold onto hope at first. After all, statistically there's a 50-50 chance he'll come back. The problem arises when you hold onto hope for too long and allow it to motivate you. Do you really want to take this guy back after he's hurt you the way he has, after he's made you feel lower than you've ever felt before?! Don't you deserve a guy who doesn't doubt how he feels about you? (I tell myself this a lot - it helps!!)

 

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding how to proceed at this stage, so I can't really tell you how to change the way you think about your ex. I think it's important that you've at least gotten it into your head that things are over. Sooner or later your heart will follow suit. You are still special to this guy - just not the way you were before, which yes, hurts a hell of a lot. After spending so much time together, it's hard to completely cut someone out of your life. But you have to draw the line somewhere. You can't be in contact with him to the point where it makes you feel really bad, or hinders your recovery.

 

Making yourself look better for the inevitable run-in with your ex is a great motivator. But when it comes down to it, you need to take this time to do things for YOU. Take back the habits, hobbies, favorites etal. that you had that he didn't like. They're yours again, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I can listen to Coldplay and the Beatles and watch football and wear crop pants...because my ex isn't in the picture! "Whatever, I do what I want!!!" Make a list of things you want from your next relationship. It will help you see your ex's shortcomings. And by all means, keep posting. Venting is good for the soul.

[summergirl]

Thankyou guys for the replies, they are very helpful and motivating (still need more..) Fallen_Angel: Yep, you're so right! Now i can do my old hobbies again. But too bad Coldplay was our very favorite, and i freakin love the last album and can't stop playing it, damn!

 

I haven't called him in the last 3 days, but he called me like 4 times a day, I managed to answer him with a flat cool tone but without sounding sad and end the conversation fast. He always wanted to know where and with whom I've been. He realized the change, he text me and said: "Sorry to keep calling you, seems like your friends have been telling you the right things." (He knows that lately i've been hanging out with my friends and they are very supportive). What does his text mean? Is he saying that he will stop calling? I started to enjoy the feeling that i can answer his calls like i dont care

I feel like i'm holding a good card now, i actually can live without calling or seeing him. What to do next?

[nightskyreader]

Your avatar rocks. Gotta love a girl with a two-tone stainless SIG Sauer as an avatar- with animated sparklies no less. Damn I am in love.

 

It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You're his safety net. He wants to play up in the lofts, but if he falls he wants you to be there for him. He sounds like an okay enough guy, though. I know I did the same thing when I was 18. I left my girlfriend of 2 years a few months before our senior cruise. She begged and pleaded and all that stuff like you did, but I had to sew my oats. So I started dating this girl who moved into town shortly after we broke up. That lasted up until the senior cruise, however, when I saw my ex dancing with another guy. Eeew I was steaming! She was so pretty, tall and tanned, wearing a long summer dress, and he was this studley, muscular spoiled-son-of-a-lawyer looking peckerhead who was wearing high-dollar clothing, didn't have a single hair on his head out of place, and his teeth literally sparkled when he smiled and you could hear that little *ting* sound. Damn they looked good together and I wanted to kill that rat bastard- and I didn't even know him. So anyway, I ran back to her that night, squalling like a baby. Now, I would never condone starting another relationship just to make him jealous, but- well, it works.

[brittani]

cheer up girl, i've been down that road and it sucks. I did the same thing, cried, begged, told him i loved him over and over again, and that i need him, pretty much making a fool of myself. All you are making him think his "wow this girl is crazy" and has major issues, my ex told me straight up that's what he thought of me after we broke up. We are cool now. All i can tell you girl, is you need to realize that if you have to sit there and beg for someone to be with you then it's not even worth it, you can't change the way people are, and there feelings but if so it would be nice. A year later i finally met the guy of my dreams, it took a year for me to get over my ex, till i met my bf now but it was worth it. There's someone out there for you, when you stop trying and looking that's when he comes.

[summergirl]

He called me again today and said if it was okay if he calls me sometimes, because he felt i answer his calls by neccessity. He also wished the best for me, hoped i can find the right one, and to take care of myself. I answered him pretty harshly if i dont want to talk about our feelings anymore because i'm no longer care about it, and i told him that he can still call me but i dont want to call him anymore.

 

Actually deep in my heart i still truly love him. I dont mind to be his 'safety net' like nightskyreader said. Every advice given to me tells me to get him out of my life. I'm now trying very hard to do that for my own's sake, I am trying to move on. But love is love, I still love him no matter what.

[lamar_84]

MY EX EMAILS ME OUT THE BLUE, I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW SHE GOT MY EMAIL ADDRESS, BUT ANYWAY SHE SENDS ME AN EMAIL ASKING ME HOW IM DOING, TELLING ME THAT SHE STILL HAS PICTURES OF ME. SHE EVEN TRIED TO SEND ME A PICTURE OF HER BABY( SHE BROKE UP WITH ME AND GOT PREGNANT FROM SOME GUY RIGHT AFTER,THEN GOT ENGAGED TO HIM)...

 

 

IM WONDERING WHY DID SHE JUST UP AND WRITE ME ONE DAY AFTER ABOUT 8 MONTHS, AND WHY DID SHE TRYED TO EMAIL A PIC OF HER BABY PROBABLY KNOWING THAT I DIDNT WANT TO SEE IT??? NEED YOU HELP!!!!!!!

[lindya]

NEED YOU HELP!!!!!!!

 

Best start a new thread, as this one was created specifically to discuss summergirl's problem. Typing in capital letters puts people off reading and responding. If you're not sure how to use the site properly, the site administrators will be able to help you.

[ChuckDee33]

Actually deep in my heart i still truly love him. I dont mind to be his 'safety net' like nightskyreader said. Every advice given to me tells me to get him out of my life. I'm now trying very hard to do that for my own's sake, I am trying to move on. But love is love, I still love him no matter what.

 

I know what you mean Summergirl. BTW, thanx for replying to my post

 

You can cut someone off and do NC and all of that business but it won't change the fact that you still have strong feelings for them. I love my ex pretty much unconditionally. In love? It gets blurry there because I definately have been 'in' love with her for a long time...but we haven't been in each other's lives for a while now except a few emails and a phone call or two. I guess what I'm getting at is that I have SO much love in my heart for this girl but nothing to do with it, no place to manifest that love. We can't see each other the way things are now so it makes it hard for that love to be active, do you know what I mean? It's always there inside me though, waiting to burst out at the seems if given the right opportunity.

 

Oh well, life is unfair and cruel sometimes. That's just the way it goes. Just gotta pick yourself up and deal with whatever comes at you the best you can.