Eugene_86 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Hey, I need a piece of advice, because clearly Im doing something wrong. Im 29, not a bad looking guy, but not a supermodel. Got a good job, finishing my masters degree soon. Im usually confident, and fun. Ive been dating a lot (women from dating sites and from real life), and it always comes down to the same result. Before the first date they seem interested and excited, and after that they lose all interest. I probably heard this a million times: "I like spending time with you, but rather as friends, and I dont have any romantic feelings for you". There has rarely been a second date. I sometimes take different approaches like texting a while before the date, and sometimes not texting at all, just setting up the date and meeting. Doesnt matter, always ends the same. On the date, which seems like a turning point, I dont do anything stupid. Just being normal. We laugh, we talk, most of the time I pay the bill (Only when the Woman really insists we share the bill). I usually dont go for the kiss on the first date. I tried a few times, when i thought there was a click between us. It didnt go well. But I always get a good impression, and get the vibe that she had fun... clearly not. I also thought about the possibility of me being too nice, I dont think I am. I mean, Ive been the nice guy, and Ive been the *******. Still same result. So dear people, what am I doing wrong? Thanks, E.
mortensorchid Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 I've heard a lot of stories like yours, and quite honestly, I think there are a few things you (and others) are not telling. Not necessarily what happened with the encounter itself, but what happened afterward. Did you call/text within 24-48 hours after the get together? If I have not heard from the man within the first 24-48 hours, 90% of the time I will not hear from him again. In the rare instance of the 10% of the time when I do hear from him any later than that (days / weeks), I realize that this guy is not all that into me. He may ask for another get together, and I might go for a second get together, but he doesn't really care if I say yes or no, and I will not hear from him again after the second encounter. So with that being said, do you make a gesture to see them again within that 24-48 hour period? If not, that's part of the answer. People say I am too harsh or judgmental with this code I live by. Not true. It's been proven to me time and time again. A man who likes a woman cannot wait to contact and see her again. 2
Author Eugene_86 Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 Hi, thanks! Yes of course I do that. usually sometime between this range. 1-2 days. Im trying to be honest here, cause Im looking for a solution, no point for me to withhold information which can somehow be useful. I also usualy dont mention to my dates about my horrible dating history, or anything that can damage me.
Larryville Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 what am I doing wrong? Im 29, not a bad looking guy, but not a supermodel. Got a good job, finishing my masters degree soon. Im usually confident, and fun. According to who? “I've heard a lot of stories like yours, and quite honestly, I think there are a few things you (and others) are not telling. Not necessarily what happened with the encounter itself, but what happened afterward.” Exactly, we don’t know what you did, how you did it, when you did it and we don’t know you. First you say you are not a “bad looking guy” from my guy perspective anytime I read a guys saying this about themselves screams insecurity… “about my horrible dating history” I saw this just before I went to post…. and if you take that attitude with you when you meet a woman huge turnoff. It is like a woman on a dating site and in her profile she has “I want a guy to accept me as I am…” really!? Now you could browse the web and see articles like “dating mistakes that men make…” you go thru magazines (women and men) and all of these magazines profit off playing people's worries and insecurities. If something does not work out with a date, it is not always about YOU. We browse OLD sites, or browse bars, maybe get to meet someone it does not work out and most over process what WE did wrong not even considering what was going on with that woman, current lifestyle, situation or circumstances, kids, finances, past issues, possible abuse whatever. Also too many guys overreach, overvalue themselves and go for women frankly out of their league. Lots of crazy folks out there but still women’s biggest worry is the fear of winding up as a torso in someone's freezer. Don’t over process, overthink when things don’t work out. Move on… But getting back to this quote “Not necessarily what happened with the encounter itself…” You must access and understand who were your relationship role models growing up and were these role models good and positive ones? But that starts with someone looking in the mirror and being totally honest about who and what they are, but most of all knowing what you want in a potential relationship partner, being more selective about you who pursue. 1
leogirl876 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 To me it sounds like you need to work on your confidence with women. Call them up, ask them on a date, be clear on your intent on the day, time, place, etc. and then leave it at that until you meet up. Don't call or text her too much in between the dates in the beginning. At the end of the date, tell her you'd like to see her again and either set up another date then and there or call her 2 days later to set up another. Go in for the kiss too, that shows confidence. Even if a girl pulls away, it may be because she's shy or not quite ready yet to kiss her, but it shows her you have confidence and don't take the rejection personally. Also, how much do you ask her about her? One big thing that's been a turn off for me, is a guy I go on a date with, talks so much about himself that he's trying to sell himself to me, instead learning stuff about me. Keep that in mind too. 1
mortensorchid Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Hi, thanks! Yes of course I do that. usually sometime between this range. 1-2 days. Im trying to be honest here, cause Im looking for a solution, no point for me to withhold information which can somehow be useful. I also usualy dont mention to my dates about my horrible dating history, or anything that can damage me. I'm glad to hear that you do, in fact, contact the woman within 1-2 days after the get together. I will tell you another secret you may or may or may not know. Calling a woman sends a stronger message to them than a text. This indicates that you (the man) really like her. A text is convenient, to be sure, but weaker. Also, those who send a text after an encounter within the 24-48 hour time slot show interest, but in every case the texting slows down to a crawl after a few days and then stops all together. If you want a woman, CALL HER. As to a solution? Without knowing or witnessing you before these women ... A face to face date is a time to get to know each other on a very basic level. I can usually tell within minutes if this is or isn't going to go somewhere, sometimes at the very end of the encounter (see previous posts about behaviors). What things do you talk about?
phineas Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I mentioned before on this site that most of my summer has been like this. Flaky women who cancel or ghost before the first date or women who give me the lamest excuses for why there won't be a 2nd date. Then last week an attractive woman in my social circle I barely see and i were the last two of the group at a free concert and we ended up making out in the parking lot. She initiated. She did talk to me more than usual earlier in the night & we flirted a bit but had no idea she was interested since the multiple times i saw her out she showed zero interest other than being friendly. Basically OP, you never fricken know so don't give up. However you are in the perfect position to learn how to be more selective of your dating choices & to stop giving a crap until it's time to give a crap. So stop trying to "Try different things" and just be yourself. The only advice is keep texting to a minimal once the date is set & try not to set it too far in advance. With online, it seems to me that any more than 2 or 3 days lead time to meet for a drink and it is almost assured she will meet someone "better" on the site. I usually go for a meet within a few days during the week. 1
scooby-philly Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Hey OP, Lot's of great advice already. From calling 1-2 days after to being more positive in your own thoughts (i.e. you don't just tell them nothing about your "horrible dating history", you also make yourself believe that's in the past), etc. A lot of that has to do with confidence. However, you're also assuming there's something wrong with you. As a few people said we're only getting your perspective on things - so that does limit advice. And no matter how honest you may be, people tends to also not share certain things - even on an anonymous board, because of long standing issues or there's just stuff you think is inconsequential, but could turn out to be important. All that said - it's not always you. I mean, you could be subconsciously attracted to flaky women, or to women who want to like guys like you, but are stuck liking thugs, bikers, a-holes, etc. However its, also possible to just have a string of bad luck. I've found (only through casual observation....so people don't attack me - I'm not claiming this as a scientific theory) the problem for a lot of guys who didn't grow up and date "enough" in HS/college and aren't married by their mid to late 20's end up thinking there's something wrong with them or end up hating the dating process because they don't see it as - a process! You have to learn what you want, what you like, what you will tolerate, etc. So keep that in mind. Each date is another step in the right direction. I've had a few horror stories on dates and also have had a few relationships turn out bad - but it's taught me about what I want, what's important, and to be myself.
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