abduzie Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 (edited) So background, i got back with my ex, with whom I had a terrible relationship last year. In the beginning things were great, and we ha dnone of the problems we did last year, so I got comfortable. Things started going downhill when She would always get jealous of me talking to other girls, yet when she flirted w her guy friends, I didn't need to worry because "they're like my brothers". As the relationship progressed, this type of double standards kept getting worse, to the point where if I asked her for some time, she'd snap on me saying she was busy and can't talk (she said this all the time, even though she would just be on instagram), and when I couldn't text her back sometimes, she would get mad. When summer started, she said she didn't want to date over the summer because she would be on vacation and be busy, so she didn't want me getting mad at her when she couldn't talk to me. Even though I would understand she was on vacation, and not get mad, i said ok cool, well just make up after your vacation. Then she would be very bipolar about her feelings, and one day she'd be calling me baby and another day I'd ask for something and she would say "we aren't dating, so no". This got worse, to the point where she said she didn't want to get back together after her vacation ended and she just wanted to be friends. By this point I was discovering the power of walking away and being assertive, so I told her I don't want to be friends, and I'm only interested in a relationship. This was one of the first times I had stood up for myself and stuck with it. Every other time I would stand up for myself, I would later apologize so that she wouldn't be mad. That lost me respect. My question is, I think our relationship had problems because I let her disrespect me and get what she wanted all the time, but I would not. I feel like if she respected me, like in the beginning of the relationship, we would work out. So how would I gain respect again, eventually attract her back, and have a relationship where my needs aren't just put to the side? I know our relationship was not healthy and this thread was a mess. Thank you (: P.S. Before we became official this year, we were on and off because she didn't know what she wanted. I got tired of being treated wrong, and I found a girl who made time for me and treated me right, and almost left my ex, and she got jealous, and then started treating me right. After I saw that my ex actually treated me right, we decided to date again. P.P.S. Everytime we would fight she would "break up" and leave and not talk about the problems that needed to be fixed (she's only willingly talked about 2 or 3 times, all when I would actually not talk to her until she texted me.), and then she would come back a few days later. But the last time she said this, I think she meant it because she hasn't been back yet [moderator edit: link to previous thread for context http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/537020-mixed-feelings-after-complicated-breakup ] Edited August 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator added link to previous thread for context; added paragraphs ~6
Blanco Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 You've got it all wrong. Gain self-respect and attract women who are not your ex. You two are a multi-time proven failure as a couple. 1
runup Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 I hope what you're asking is how you can get your own self respect back. You don't have it for yourself and she can see that. The only way you're going to get your own respect back is if you stop talking to this girl. She treats you terribly and you are almost oblivious to it. You're addicted to her, but for all of the WRONG reasons. Go completely cold. Literally just disappear from her radar. She is going to get mad, but it's not about her; it's about you! Would you rather her be happy than you? Because right now you're not happy and guess what.... She is! Because she is getting the single life of flirting, etc with other guys while keeping you on this leash. Don't be a puppy, break free and regain your self respect. You won't be able to regain it if you keep contact with her... Trust me, I have been there. I persuaded myself that my case was different, that things could still work out. I was wrong and everyone I have ever spoken to was wrong. It NEVER WORKS OUT. That's the present case. Maybe years down the road it will work, but you need to move on from her for now 1
Author abduzie Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 Yes for now I'm going to leave her, but I had thought that after a little while if she wants to get back together I'll outline completely for her what things I won't stand for and that I expect her to stop having double standards. If she agrees, and doesn't uphold it, I'll leave, and if she doesn't agree, I'll leave. I still want to try with this girl but I want the relationship to not be so emotionally taxing, which I understand it is right now.
Bee4Shine Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Honestly friend, I think the issues lie with her. Maybe seeing a counselor might help her. Not knowing what she wants to this extent is unsettling to say the least. And the double standard is indicative of deeper issues. Outlining what you expect is sometimes a good idea, but if it is used to control her it will get you nowhere. I am sorry for your struggles.
SevenCity Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 The biggest mistake you made here is letting the girl go who did treat you right. What is it about your ex that makes you want to put up with her crap when you know there are other women out there with none of these headaches??? Let me guess, is she hot? The only thing to do is forget about her. She is a drama queen, has taken no steps to recognize where she hurt you, and you are taking 100% of the burden to make the RL work. Why are you doing that? It will be SOOOOO much easier to get a girl who actually likes and respects you. 1
LD1990 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Yes for now I'm going to leave her, but I had thought that after a little while if she wants to get back together I'll outline completely for her what things I won't stand for and that I expect her to stop having double standards. If she agrees, and doesn't uphold it, I'll leave, and if she doesn't agree, I'll leave. I still want to try with this girl but I want the relationship to not be so emotionally taxing, which I understand it is right now. Yeah, and I'm sure she's going to completely change her personality and start being totally obedient after you tell her what's what. Come on man, she's not going to do some 180 just because you threaten to walk away. She'll either keep doing what she's doing and hide it better, or go along with what you say for a brief period of time before going back to her old ways. If it's been such an emotionally taxing relationship, that's not suddenly going to change, that's a sign that you two aren't meant to be together. You're holding yourself back from moving on the longer you hold onto this fantasy. You can't get on with your life if you're still thinking "if she comes back and agrees to this, this, and this then we can try again."
fromheart Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 (edited) You've answered your own question there! I've been in a similar situation and the only way to regain self respect, and the respect of someone else, is to walk away. Yes, you'll re ignite her attraction for you by doing this. But this girl is not in a healthy place for a relationship, so it will be a constant power struggle between the two of you. Any self respecting man will walk away from her, a weaker man will stay in the 'abused zone,' taking the blows until she calms down and temporarily reverts into the woman he fell in love with. That's not a relationship, its a nightmare and believe me when I say I've been in that place before. You're a strong man who's discovered the life changing power of walking away. You know what to do next. Edited August 6, 2016 by fromheart
Densel Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Agree with everyone here. Walk away. I have been in that position before. It's pointless and useless to do anything anymore. Walk away before you forget who you really are.
Taramere Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 P.S. Before we became official this year, we were on and off because she didn't know what she wanted. I got tired of being treated wrong, and I found a girl who made time for me and treated me right, and almost left my ex, and she got jealous, and then started treating me right. After I saw that my ex actually treated me right, we decided to date again. What a delight for the other girl, to be drawn into this on/off relationship drama. It sounds as though she was a good person. Did you apologise to her for mucking her about like that? If not, maybe your quest to regain a bit more respect should begin there. 1
Author abduzie Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 Thank you all for your responses, and to be completely honest, i know she isn't good for me and that we'll never have a healthy relationship until we both mature more. But something always holds me back and my heart goes with jt and makes excuses for her actions. And I just found out recently that she's been talkig with a guy behind my back for a month now, and started getting into a relationship about a week ago. So in the time she was telling me to "wait for me after vacation" and "if you can impress me again when i come back, we can date", she was screwing around with a guy behind my back. And yes, I had told the girl who was nice to me that things were wobbly between my ex and I, and she understood and backed off, and I also apologized for any hurt I caused her. I regret letting her go because she was so much better, but now sadly we're not as good friends as we used to be ):
Recommended Posts