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Boyfriend [33M] is closing on his condo today, and I [26F] want to move in with him

petitfleur

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petitfleur New Member

petitfleur

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My boyfriend and I have known each other for 8 years, but have only been dating for 10 months. During the 8 years though we were never close at all. With that said, he is closing on his very own condo today. It's his first property he has ever owned. I just moved out of a bad roommate situation, and into my aunt's house with him. For the past two months, him and I have been living together there, because we've been trying to find a place to stay. During this time, my grandma was diagnosed again with cancer and we agreed (two months ago) that we weren't ready to move in yet and that I should move back home. However, this was before us living together. Now that we have, I really envision a future with him. I get excited thinking about maybe helping him pick out shelving and decorations, etc. I'd of course want to help out with his mortgage, and I'm not looking for a free ticket any where. It just feels right now---when it didn't feel right two months ago. However, he makes it clear it's his condo, and I'm afraid to even bring up the subject at all. If any of you were in his shoes would you want to settle into your own place? The only thing is that he invited his old roommate who he knew for a year to come and live with him, and yet maybe he's not ready to live with me? I just don't feel like I can bring this up to him though. Please help.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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The fact that he invited his old roommate to come rent from him tells me he is looking forward to a bachelor's life in his new condo. If he wanted you to live with him he would have brought it up long ago. How old is he? Dating for only 10 mos is too soon to move in.

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petitfleur New Member

petitfleur

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He's 33 years old.

Vado Established Member

Vado

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The only thing is that he invited his old roommate who he knew for a year to come and live with him, and yet maybe he's not ready to live with me?

 

This is not the part you have to worry about. I'm a straight man in my thirties and have lived with friends in one house. Some of them I only knew for a year. That's a different timelab than living with a lover

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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He's 33 years old.

 

...and he got his friend to move in with him, so whilst you were busy thinking of nest building, he is busy thinking of drinking, partying and men behaving badly.

 

Sorry, he is not on the same page.

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petitfleur New Member

petitfleur

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Well, his roommate would only live there for a few months until he is moving to a different country. So maybe my boyfriend thought it was only temporary? And he isn't the type to drink, and party hardy. He lived with this guy when we were dating for the first 6 months. Partying is not his prerogative.

elisalynn Member

elisalynn

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Yeah... probably not on the same page if he is looking for a roommate and didn't ask you. I could imagine a scenario where he would want to get settled into his place before inviting Anyone, you especially, into his home. BUT, he is getting a roommate right away. You guys should talk about it, maybe see if he is open to the idea at all, maybe just signing a 6 month lease with his male roommate, and then see where you two are at at that point. Make sure he knows you would be willing to pay rent; I think a lot of guys get worried about that when they own a home and invite their partner to live with them.

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petitfleur New Member

petitfleur

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Yeah... probably not on the same page if he is looking for a roommate and didn't ask you. I could imagine a scenario where he would want to get settled into his place before inviting Anyone, you especially, into his home. BUT, he is getting a roommate right away. You guys should talk about it, maybe see if he is open to the idea at all, maybe just signing a 6 month lease with his male roommate, and then see where you two are at at that point. Make sure he knows you would be willing to pay rent; I think a lot of guys get worried about that when they own a home and invite their partner to live with them.

 

Yeah, I definitely want to pay rent. And yeah that's why I don't think getting settled into his place alone is his issue since he's inviting someone to stay there right away. But is there any harm in just bringing this up?

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Well, his roommate would only live there for a few months until he is moving to a different country. So maybe my boyfriend thought it was only temporary? And he isn't the type to drink, and party hardy. He lived with this guy when we were dating for the first 6 months. Partying is not his prerogative.

 

OK not partying, but whatever floats his boat.

He has however made it very plain he is NOT ready to commit to you as in moving in.

Just be careful, he kind of used you there, as a place to stay when he didn't have his own place.

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VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

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The fact that he invited his old roommate to come rent from him tells me he is looking forward to a bachelor's life in his new condo. If he wanted you to live with him he would have brought it up long ago. How old is he? Dating for only 10 mos is too soon to move in.

 

10 months is not too soon for someone who is 33.

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petitfleur New Member

petitfleur

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10 months is not too soon for someone who is 33.

 

That's what I thought too...

central Established Member

central

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I think 10 months is too soon to move in together for most people of any age. The idea of living together at this point is obvious, though, even to him. That he didn't suggest it or ask you to move in with him even though you've already been living together for a short time, is telling.

 

 

I think the best you can hope for is that he just needs more time - perhaps once his roommate leaves will suffice - to decide if you are right for him. However, if he is less willing to see you or even have you stay overnight without actually moving in, then I'd guess he has serious second thoughts about you being right for him, and only more time will enable him to decide for sure.

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elisalynn Member

elisalynn

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33 is old enough to know if you plan to try to have a long-term relationship with a partner and make goals around living together permanently. They were sort of forced to live together early on, and I'm sure it feels like a step backward to all of a sudden not live together. But, from friends that I know (that aren't married yet, or engaged), that buying your own place is a big adult life step for someone and they might just want to keep it one step at a time; living with a long-term partner is also can be a big adult life step. If his roommate is only around for a short-term basis with the end in point, he probably figured that he could help out his friend while setting up his condo and making it his own. So, yeah, he is putting himself and his life before your life together at this point, but I wouldn't take it too personally at this point. It would be too soon for you two to buy a place together, and if you two move into the place as if it were both of yours that might feel a little too much like that, which is too serious for a 10 month relationship. Have a chat, see if it is what he was envisioning for the future, and go from there. I have some friends who had a similar situation, minus the male roommate issue, and they now live together (it took about... 10 months(?) after he bought the condo); balancing finances and homemaking responsibilities is still a long-term issue for them to figure out though since he pay most of the mortgage and is responsible for any repairs. So, have a plan in mind for how that would be handled.

mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

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I don't like it when people live together. There are too many things that happen when you are living together and not married to each other.

 

Did you know that people who are living together (as in not married to each other but living together as bf/gf) are doing it for the reasons you sighted? You are not living together because you want to live together, you live together because of finance rather than love. Your family situations you brought up are not the best reasons to be living together.

 

Also, he is in talks to have a roommate move in with him. He is not looking to you to move in, another guy friend. He's wanting to be living with another guy friend as a bachelor situation. He doesn't want to move in with you.

 

And, do you want to end up another statistic? Time and time again, many women (and admit it, it's mostly women) end up being with a guy for many years living together and they want it to be marriage and the guy bails. And he will marry the next one who comes along. I don't care what your socio-economic, cultural, or religious background does or doesn't tell you about living together - IT DOES NOT WORK. They have done studies on it, and we're not sure why but for some reason the sense of commitment does not stick with people. You WILL be a statistic.

jazzyhands89 Member

jazzyhands89

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That's what I thought too...

 

I agree with these posters. I also don't think he's going to be thrilled or receptive about you starting a conversation about moving in with him. Actions speak louder than words he asked someone else and didnt broach the you being future roommate topic. You guys are not on the same page in terms of future planning. Whether that's okay to you is up to you. I don't think 10 months at 33 is too soon maybe if you were younger but older people tend to know what they want quicker. As for living together and not turning into marriage that does happen but I disagree with the person above in that I would want to live with someone before marrying them. You really get to know someone very well by living with them. I have never lived with a guy but i've lived with two very close friends and I mean close close knit female friendships where we told each other everything) even though we had been close friends for a very long time I found out all sorts of things once living with them. Also pretty much all of my married friends live with their boyfriends before getting married. The difference is their boyfriends and them have a talk that it would lead to marriage first. They were commitment-minded men

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Omei Established Member

Omei

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I think if living with a partner is something that you want to experience at 26 waiting on a 33 year old man idk he could be near 40 till he's ready and since his friend is moving in he's not gonna rush them out anytime soon.

 

I don't think his intention is to not settle with you.

 

I could be wrong.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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We can sit around speculating 'til the cows come home about his intentions and why he didn't bring it up... but there is only ONE PERSON who knows the truth about what's he is thinking - HIM!

 

You need to ASK HIM!

 

If you are talking about building a life with this guy, you should be able to have awkward conversations with him. If you can't, you aren't ready anyway.

 

"Hey honey. I want to talk about something that is a little difficult for me to bring up. It's been on my mind, and my thoughts are going all over the place guessing what you think and feel. So I really just need some clarity and honesty...can you humor me?

 

I am really happy about you getting this condo, and I am really happy about where our relationship is. And the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable or feel pressured, which is why this is so hard for me.

 

I just need to know if we are on the same page. When I think about your condo, I think about us picking out furniture together, decorating, and continuing to build our life together. We lived together before, and I want to know if you have considered living together again. And if you aren't ready, that's ok too... I just want to know what you imagine our relationship to be like when you move to your new place? Is it going to be the same as now? Do you want to work toward living together? I hope I am not scaring you - I just want to know what you are thinking so I don't have to guess and speculate."

 

Something like that.

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introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
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My boyfriend and I have known each other for 8 years, but have only been dating for 10 months. During the 8 years though we were never close at all. With that said, he is closing on his very own condo today. It's his first property he has ever owned. I just moved out of a bad roommate situation, and into my aunt's house with him. For the past two months, him and I have been living together there, because we've been trying to find a place to stay. During this time, my grandma was diagnosed again with cancer and we agreed (two months ago) that we weren't ready to move in yet and that I should move back home. However, this was before us living together. Now that we have, I really envision a future with him. I get excited thinking about maybe helping him pick out shelving and decorations, etc. I'd of course want to help out with his mortgage, and I'm not looking for a free ticket any where. It just feels right now---when it didn't feel right two months ago. However, he makes it clear it's his condo, and I'm afraid to even bring up the subject at all. If any of you were in his shoes would you want to settle into your own place? The only thing is that he invited his old roommate who he knew for a year to come and live with him, and yet maybe he's not ready to live with me? I just don't feel like I can bring this up to him though. Please help.

 

You came to an agreement and now you're upset that he is acting with that agreement in mind? :confused:

 

If the friend is just going to be there for 6 months, my advice is to leave things alone for now and then see what happens in 6 months. Perhaps you will come to a mutual agreement to live together then.

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PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

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As a 38 y/o man, I seriously disagree with the female perspectives regarding his intentions.

 

He's buying his first place and that's a huge milestone. It's his, he earned it, and he doesn't want that disrupted. Just seeing her first thoughts of "helping him decorate it" was a bit horrifying. He doesn't want plastic flowers and fancy candle holders on the wall. He's a man, he's territorial. He wants to enjoy the rewards of his hard work and make it his own. She's in a very classic female mindset, fantasizing about their home, starting a family, and future together.

 

I don't think this is an indictment about him or their relationship at all. I think it's reasonable if the OP wants to share her feelings and desire to move in with him, but without expectation that it will happen anytime soon. Tell him those feelings and that you want keep moving the relationship forward but that you're willing to be flexible on the timetable. Also, make it clear that if he has different intentions for your future that he needs to be clear about that too. It's important for a couple to communicate and share those things. If the conversation is done in a calm and straightforward manner than it should be just fine.

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PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

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Both pteromom and introverted are on the right track.

SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

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As a 38 y/o man, I seriously disagree with the female perspectives regarding his intentions.

 

He's buying his first place and that's a huge milestone. It's his, he earned it, and he doesn't want that disrupted. Just seeing her first thoughts of "helping him decorate it" was a bit horrifying. He doesn't want plastic flowers and fancy candle holders on the wall. He's a man, he's territorial. He wants to enjoy the rewards of his hard work and make it his own. She's in a very classic female mindset, fantasizing about their home, starting a family, and future together.

 

I don't think this is an indictment about him or their relationship at all. I think it's reasonable if the OP wants to share her feelings and desire to move in with him, but without expectation that it will happen anytime soon. Tell him those feelings and that you want keep moving the relationship forward but that you're willing to be flexible on the timetable. Also, make it clear that if he has different intentions for your future that he needs to be clear about that too. It's important for a couple to communicate and share those things. If the conversation is done in a calm and straightforward manner than it should be just fine.

 

 

As a 44 year old man I agree 100% with this. He's accomplished a huge milestone and wants to enjoy it as his place. There is nothing wrong with that. 10 months is way too soon to move in.

 

Funny, everyone here says you shouldn't move in with someone until you passed the 4 seasons (a year). Yet, because of his age him not moving you in means he never wants to.

 

Moving in with a girl is a HUGE deal - I may not get support on this but to me it is bigger than marriage. Marriage is a piece of paper - anyone can sign that. Sharing your home with someone is a much bigger deal. You have to change your lifestyle as a result - he's probably not ready to do that yet.

 

The good news is you are young and have time. Enjoy the time you have with him but have the conversation to see where things are headed (calmly and rationally like an adult). If things were meant to be you will eventually move in as well.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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You came to an agreement and now you're upset that he is acting with that agreement in mind? :confused:

 

.

That agreement was made before they ended up living together.

 

The thing about relationships is that they need to keep moving forward in some way if they are going to eventually progress to marriage and kids.

This relationship just took a huge backward step.

By moving the friend in as his flatmate to his condo, and not even discussing it fully with the OP first, this man took a unilateral decision to pull the relationship backwards.

That is NOT good news for the OP.

 

He is 33 not 23, he knows exactly what he did there. The message is loud and clear to my mind.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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He's accomplished a huge milestone and wants to enjoy it as his place. There is nothing wrong with that. .

 

Only that is not true, he is moving his friend in to come live with him.

elisalynn Member

elisalynn

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Only that is not true, he is moving his friend in to come live with him.

 

Having a friend move in with you is a lot different than moving in your girlfriend; it can still be "his" place when his friend lives there, but if she moves in with him from the beginning it is much more "their" place. That's a little too much right now...

 

Though, I agree that him unilaterally making that decision without discussing it with her, since they currently live together, is a clear message. They should discuss it to make sure they are clear where they stand, rather than concluding too much about the entire future of their relationship.

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Timshel Established Member

Timshel

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OK not partying, but whatever floats his boat.

He has however made it very plain he is NOT ready to commit to you as in moving in.

Just be careful, he kind of used you there, as a place to stay when he didn't have his own place.

 

Backwards for her..not him because of ^^^this. I think he feels that he is still on track.

 

A conversation should be had OP, as others have suggested.

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