Whoknew30 Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 If one wants to leave a marriage, they have to leave bc "they" no longer want to be married to their spouse anymore...other person should be taken out of equation. You'll be hurt for awhile but he kind of did you a favor. If he has not done this now, he would have later on anyways & you could have really been tied together financially then. Take this time for yourself, get some counseling, mend your business. After this storm, you'll come out a better & stronger person. Good luck As for further meetings...treat him like a stranger (bc that's what he is) show not one once of emotion, keep to your focus. At this point whatsoever you feel & or are going through, is none of his business & you don't want his ego to inflate bc of showing any desperation for him...you'll feel 100% worse after a run in if you let him see you like that.
SGTMom0508 Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Wow, what a rough situation. I can understand why you are feeling hurt and confused, for sure. You asked about future dealings with him professionally, and I would say the best thing you can do is to keep your demeanor professional, your words impersonal, and keep your contact to a minimum. Hopefully you'll be able to move on and put it behind you.
Lobe Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 Since it's pretty obvious where you stand with OM and you're going to get a lot of tough love so I'll leave that to others and stick with "practical tips and hints for not digging a deeper hole and stepping in the sh*t again" Does anyone have advice on how a future encounter should be handled? Given our commonalities I worry that I won't be able to maintain composure if/when we cross paths... One of the ladies on the OW/OM board made up an entire fake boyfriend to make sure her OM was left without any questions of where she was headed (anywhere but towards him.) Some simple rules to follow: 1) Keep it strictly business. If he compliments you on your appearance or talks to you in hushed tones, tell him discreetly that it is inappropriate. If he continues, tell him you again discreetly that you don't want to have to report him for sexual harassment. Then clear your throat and loudly repeat a business question. And if he tries again, start walking over to HIS superior to report him for sexual harassment. If he is the highest level of authority, make sure you find your local labor board to report him. Or start dialling his wife's phone number so he sees it. (I think you should drop her an anonymous tip anyways but that's maybe just me wishing someone would have paid me the same courtesy...) 2) Make sure someone else is always with you if at all possible. Being alone with him will weaken your resolve and and open the window. Chances are good he will behave if there is another set of ears and eyes. 3) Keep it civil and professional. You cannot demand that he act civilly and professionally if you are incapable of doing the same. No flirting, no winks, no jabs, no inside jokes, no touching (not even lightly on the shoulder in a jovial sort of way). 4) If he asks personal questions, be cheerful and elusive, point out his wife/family, and show him an attitude on the side of I've moved on. "How are you doing?" "I'm fantastic! Glad I got some holiday time in - I had a lovely time with my new friend. How are you? Are you taking any vacations with the family?" If he continues to press or drops his voice, refer to #1. 5) Excuse yourself as soon as humanly possible. The second someone waltzes over to chat with him, GTFO. Nod out, bow out, get a fake text message or call you have to take... The best revenge is always living well. And eventually, you will be, even if you have to fake it until you make it. Ditch this POS.
Author Ashlyn48 Posted August 15, 2016 Author Posted August 15, 2016 I'm working hard at NC. Working on myself. Trying to stay focused and busy. Some days I'm ok. Others I fall apart which I expected. It feels like I haven't spoken to him in months. It's inly been a few weeks. To be honest I'm surprised he hasn't contacted me. I really hoped he would. I've picked up the phone to call him and stopped myself. I feel so empty inside. I know this is the typical slump but is there any hope that he may come back someday and we could make this work? It was all just so easy and perfect. I'm having a hard time believing that it's over or that it could ever be that great with anyone else.
lemondrop21 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I'm working hard at NC. Working on myself. Trying to stay focused and busy. Some days I'm ok. Others I fall apart which I expected. It feels like I haven't spoken to him in months. It's inly been a few weeks. To be honest I'm surprised he hasn't contacted me. I really hoped he would. I've picked up the phone to call him and stopped myself. I feel so empty inside. I know this is the typical slump but is there any hope that he may come back someday and we could make this work? It was all just so easy and perfect. I'm having a hard time believing that it's over or that it could ever be that great with anyone else. You may want to try the OW board as well, there are both married and single people on that board, many of whom are going through what you're going through. I learned a long time ago that surprisingly, the withdrawal isn't too different whether you are married or single. Almost guaranteed that he will reach out soon unless there was a DDay and his wife is now monitoring OR he actually is very very recommitted to his marriage (sorry I didn't read the whole thread). If it's too tough for you to think about total NC forever, try thinking about ignoring him at least the first time he reaches out, and see how you feel after that. Every time you ignore, you get stronger and realize that you CAN beat this. Also, was it really all so easy and perfect? You had no angst about the situation? (Maybe not, I'm just curious)
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I'm working hard at NC. Working on myself. Trying to stay focused and busy. Some days I'm ok. Others I fall apart which I expected. It feels like I haven't spoken to him in months. It's inly been a few weeks. To be honest I'm surprised he hasn't contacted me. I really hoped he would. I've picked up the phone to call him and stopped myself. I feel so empty inside. I know this is the typical slump but is there any hope that he may come back someday and we could make this work? It was all just so easy and perfect. I'm having a hard time believing that it's over or that it could ever be that great with anyone else. I don't normally post on this board. Like LemonDrop said, try the OW board. I am so sorry to say this but he is single, correct? He is most likely gone unless he comes back for a hookup. You don't want him. I understand how you feel, I really do. I can't explain why he acted like this. I feel your pain, I've been there. I can tell you this though - of course it will be great with someone else. This is just one guy. I'm sure you have loved before, and you will again. I promise you. He's doing you a favor by staying away if he does not want a relationship. You don't see that now but I do. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
harrybrown Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 find someone that does not cheat with married women. You are still thinking of him as a good person, and your fantasy is not reality. Try going to see a counselor, and move on with your life to someone that is much better than the OM. 1
sandylee1 Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 To be honest I'm surprised he hasn't contacted me. I really hoped he would. I've picked up the phone to call him and stopped myself. I feel so empty inside. I know this is the typical slump but is there any hope that he may come back someday and we could make this work? It was all just so easy and perfect. I'm having a hard time believing that it's over or that it could ever be that great with anyone else. It's best he hasn't contacted you. You don't need any false hope and even if he had contacted you, why would you accept being messed around like that? He was in it for the fun and for the financial reward. He's quite a user and you need to see him for that. He used you and tricked you into falling in love by presenting a false persona. You need to remember you feel for a fraudster, because he never ever truly considered you and he in a proper relationship. He had to lie to get you into the business. If he came out and said your okay as an affair, but I'd never want you full time .... but let's colaborate for business only, would you still have signed up for the business? You sound like a clever woman in the business and professional world. Use it to your advantage. Smart women are very attractive. 1
BluesPower Posted August 17, 2016 Posted August 17, 2016 Ashlyn48 all the women and even the men are such nice people and their advice is correct, Just a little too nice. Ashlyn, I was once a POS that treated women like OM treated you. Now, I was not so low as to lie to them, we must have some standards. That is really low. But I let them love me and I knew it and I did not break it off. (It was a long time ago girls so don't hate on me I reformed.) I just need you to listen to the hard truth. He never loved you even a little, he used you for sex and business contacts. I know that hurts so much, but it is the truth. Some of the posters may be correct that he had the other woman already, I am guessing that is probably correct. He may or may not be divorced who knows. And really who cares? There are men out there that will love you the proper way. Take your time, get counseling, grief your actual marriage, tell your x the truth so he can move on easier. You will hurt for a while, but over time it will die down. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward. Good luck and be well. 1
Mr Blunt Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Ashlyn48 You stated that Your husband was a good man but not right for you. You met a man that is in the same field as you, had so much in common, and you were physically attracted to him and you developed very strong feelings for him. Basically, you choose to ignore some of the criteria for real love and with your feelings you betrayed your husband. Some of the basic criteria for real love includes LOYALTY, sacrifice, honesty, and does not just think of themselves but endures for the other person. The information above is for you to think about for your future relationships and for any others that think that you can violate some basic requirements of love and not lose and suffer. By Ashlyn48 We have so much in common, work with the same theories which is quite rare in our field and are physically attracted. The OM is very religious and my husband is a good person just not right for me. It was the strongest love I've ever felt. He was perfect. We discussed marriage, children, joining our businesses into one power house.
Author Ashlyn48 Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 Mr Blunt, I ask that you reserve judgement. Have i failed in the Loyalty category? You bet. And I'm dealing with that. But honesty and sacrifice can certainly be left off the list in my case. I have not given you sufficient information to make that assumption and can assure you they do not belong on this list when referring to my marriage.
Author Ashlyn48 Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 To everyone else, thank you so much or all of your insight and support. I am close to my 1 month NC. I read this forum often and it has helped me a lot. Sometimes I reread comments and it brings me to new perspectives. I truly appreciate all of your honesty and positivity.
BenchCoach Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I never intended to have an affair but it happened. If I had a nickle for every time I've heard this phrase... well, you know Mr. Blunt actually brought up some good points. And, in his defense, his username suits him. Adding to that, us contributors only go by what you post here. I think he was pretty spot on. I don't think you were in the right mindset when all this took place. You were in what is called the "affair fog." You couldn't see past the potential this doomed relationship really was... nothing more than a fantasy. This guy was actually looking at it as an opportunity, it seems. Furthermore, given that your marriage was over, by your accounts, why did you agree to try and make it work, after declaring your ambivalence to your husband? What I mean is, you pretty much dragged your husband along, knowing full well you two weren't compatible... a half-assed gesture on your part. It's lamentable that you have to go through this, but as they say- "You reap what you sow." 1
aliveagain Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 (edited) Before you do anything else, finish things with your husband. Your O/M will be back once he is fully committed in his relationship. I think he likes you as his bit on the side but not as his partner. You need to kill him off in your head because he is not planning on the same future as you. We have all been used one time or another. He did help you out of your marriage, not the way I would have done it but your out of it. He also helped you in your business so I guess something good happened because of it. My question to you is, "how do you feel about yourself?" Your focus should be on you, your healing and about moving forward, engaging him will be taking you backwards and when you learn the truth about what you thought you had there can be no going backwards. Replace him with something good for you because he is still taking to much space in your life. Edited August 18, 2016 by aliveagain
Furious Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I met a man through friends who is in the same profession. We hit it off immediately. We have so much in common, work with the same theories which is quite rare in our field and are physically attracted. My marriage has been on the rocks for some time and I had plans to leave already. I never intended to have an affair but it happened. The OM is very religious and my husband is a good person just not right for me. We both struggled with guilt but always came back to each other. We live in different countries and expanded our businesses to include each other. Clients were very happy and we worked very well together. We became a strong team professionally as well as personally. It was the strongest love I've ever felt. He was perfect. We discussed marriage, children, joining our businesses into one power house. Everyone who knew about our relationship was supportive and wanted to see this happen. We talked all day, every day. He had encouraged me to give 1 last try for my marriage so that I didn't have regrets down the road. His ex wife had cheated so I understood and my husband and I went to marriage counselling which was unsuccessful. I told my husband we were done and we agreed to separate civilly. I told my lover and 2 days later he broke up with me, said he couldn't take the guilt and had met a girl he knew was single and had asked her on a date. I went into a tailspin and started separating business. He became irritable and transitioned from helpful and supportive to pushy and mean. The final day of contact resulted in him finally helping me close some files and I made one final plea to work things out. I told him I knew he loved me like I love him and that I don't want to give up on us. His reply was blunt and mean. He said he never loved me, it was a rebound from his divorce (he had been divorced a year) and that I was in denial, he was going to block my number and I needed to move on. It has now been close to 1 month no contact and I'm still a mess. I'm in love with him. We were perfect together. I want him back more than anything. How did this happen? What can I do? How did he walk away from all of our plans so easily? He wanted this as much as I did. I told him I would leave and I did. Why now? I can't stand the thought of living without him. It's not uncommon for some betrayed spouses to become cheaters or cheater accomplices. Your OM is a prime example of the hypocrisy of some betrayed spouses who do unto others what they would not want to be done to themselves. Gently, your situation is filled with irony and hypocrisy by your own actions and choices as well as the actions and choices of your ex-OM. You both have shown each other the capability to be deceitful and that is a very fragile foundation to begin with. I do hope you move on, that you grow from your experience in a positive way. It's human to fall out of love but falling out of love does not require falling out of respect for oneself or others. 1
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 His ex wife had cheated ... I told my husband we were done and we agreed to separate civilly. I told my lover and 2 days later he broke up with me, said he couldn't take the guilt and had met a girl he knew was single and had asked her on a date. Yes he used you for sex and business, but this may also have been some sort of revenge on cheating women maybe.
Recommended Posts