Bjames Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Hello, My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. We broke up about two months ago for about a month and we ended up getting back together about one month ago. I love this lady with all my heart, but i have been feeling a little bit uncomfortable in the relationship since we've gotten back together. I'm not sure if I'm being silly, or if my concerns are warranted. Sometimes I wonder if she has intentionally kept our relationship a secret to some people since we've gotten back together, and that bothers me. First of all, there have been a few times where she told me she was going out with her friend and that she believed it was important for us to go out individually sometimes, which I agree with. However, I later found out that one of these times she went out with her friend, her friends "hookup" and a few of his buddies. Im irritated by that because I feel like it's a scenario where you would invite your boyfriend. She didn't say it was a ladies night or anything but I was under the impression that it was, and she told Me not to come. That night i met up with her after she went to the bar so obviously she wasn't out playing the field or anything but it still bothers me. Our current social media situation also brothers me. A few days after getting back together I requested a relationship status (we had been in a relationship status for four years prior to the brief break so it's not like this is new or anything) and that same day she deactivated her Facebook. I asked her why and she told me that she spent way to much time on social media and it was her way of trying to break that bad habit. I know she does spend to much time on Facebook and she had deactivated her account in the past while we were together for the same reason, but the timing for this was incredibly convenient. I asked her if it was because she was embarrassed, if she didn't want to be one of those people who break up and get back together a few weeks later and post about it on social media: she said that wasn't the reason for deactivating her account but also admitted that it would be kind of embarrassing. Next thing, I went to a casual work event with her as a volunteer since she asked me because her firm needed a hand. She took this current internship during the time we weren't together. When I showed up her boss came up to me and said "oh; you must be her friend! Thanks for coming to help!" Great, friend zoned by my girlfriend? When i voiced my concerns about all these things to her she got kind of defensive. First she pointed out that I've seen her parents quite often since getting back together and those are the absolute most important people in her life. Second she said that she felt uncomfortable and I was being paranoid, and she basically said I needed to relax. Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe my concerns are justified. Do you guys think these are reasons to be concerned or am I just being a fool? In the past this never would have bothered me but I feel a little bit on edge because we were just broken up and part of me wishes that it could be as if we never broke up at all. I wonder if anyone knows we're dating again besides me, her, and her immediate family. Maybe if she's still on edge about being with me it's a way of keeping options open. However it's not like this is a casual relationship, we talk all the time about spending our lives together and she has even brought up engagement. I guess it's worth pointing out that the time we spend together has been as close to perfect as I could have hoped post breakup. Again, maybe I'm being a idiot. Thoughts? Please and thank you!
Bialy Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 (edited) You guys broke up and got back together --- that has affected the relationship dynamic, for better or worse. It may take more time for things to get better. Why did you guys break up to begin with? Who wanted to get back together and try to make it work again? Your relationship visibility before breaking up was high, it seems -- everyone knew and social media reflected it. BUT you two broke up and things can still be slightly shaky --- it really depends on why you broke up and why you got back together. Edited August 5, 2016 by Bialy 1
Author Bjames Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 My girlfriend broke up with me because she felt as if the relationship was in a bit of a rut; romance, passion, etc. was on the decline. I suppose that's what happens in a long term remwltionahip but neither of us (especially me) were putting in appropriate effort. When we broke up I told her I wish I could have another chance to make things work and I'd put in more effort into our relationship, if we got back together down the line. After a month she told me she realized how much she loves me and wanted to take my word on the promise that id do everything I could to revitalize our romance and she would do the same. So we got back together. We both have been putting everything we can into our relationship and she even told me yesterday how much she loves our relationship as it is now. It has been amazing. I'm simply sketched out by everything I've explained in the original Post
SevenCity Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Getting back together after a breakup is tricky (I'm currently trying to work towards that goal now). Since she ended it, she is likely feeling uneasy about the stability. In her mind, it's possible this is just a fantasy and things will go back to the way they were before the breakup. It's a tough spot to be in because you want to just pick up where you left off and she is apprehensive. My ex (of 2 months) is turning around but has avoided activities that would be misconstrued as us back together (like going out - yet we've had a bunch of sex). It's possible that your gf is feeling the same concerns. For now, I would say keep your mouth shut and keep an eye on things. If within another month she isn't acting like you expect then address it at that time. It's impossible to know what's going on in her head so I am only guessing. But there are parallels to my situation. I tell you, it seems it would have been far easier to find someone new.
Gaeta Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 You have just been back together 1 month so it's normal to take it slow with public announcement. Your relationship is on probation for the moment, who knows it might not last another month so until she is sure this is it, she keeps it low profile, which is 100% understandable. People don't break up after 5 years because they feel in a rut. I think she broke up for something else. How old are you 2? Why has this relationship never moved beyond dating? 3
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 it's obvious she has you on trial.....she isn't going to put a label on it unless you life up to your promise. 1
Author Bjames Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 In some sense, I disagree with the reasoning that long term relationship can't end because it's on a rut. I feel as if a relationship isn't giving a person what they need it's perfectly natural to end it for that reason. We are both 23. I just got my masters and she's studying for her Ph.D. We started dating freshmen year in college. We haven't gotten engaged/married because our futures were both incredibly up in the air. I'm settled now and have a great full-time job and she will have her degree in a year. I see what you mean by relationship probation, but so many things seem to contradict themselves. She has brought up engagement since the breakup but at the same time everything I explained above confuses me. She sent me images of rings she likes for ideas a few times. But I still feel uneasy.
Author Bjames Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 Discussing engagement about someone who is "on trial" seems contradictory. But some of her actions seem to contradict what a person should /would do if they are planning on getting married to someone. Maybe she is just confused about what she wants
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 In some sense, I disagree with the reasoning that long term relationship can't end because it's on a rut. I feel as if a relationship isn't giving a person what they need it's perfectly natural to end it for that reason. We are both 23. I just got my masters and she's studying for her Ph.D. We started dating freshmen year in college. We haven't gotten engaged/married because our futures were both incredibly up in the air. I'm settled now and have a great full-time job and she will have her degree in a year. I see what you mean by relationship probation, but so many things seem to contradict themselves. She has brought up engagement since the breakup but at the same time everything I explained above confuses me. She sent me images of rings she likes for ideas a few times. But I still feel uneasy. No it's not contradictory, now it all makes sense.....it's obvious what she is doing....she is tired of you dragging your feet to put a ring on her finger. I don't blame her for being so guarded. She is waiting to see if you are going to step up or step out. she is looking for a solid commitment from you....real direction, not promises. 3
Author Bjames Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 I hope your right because I'm absolutely going to ask her the big question. I've been hesitant because I've felt uneasy as I've explained with some of her actions and at the same time it has only been a month since getting back together.
Gaeta Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 No it's not contradictory, now it all makes sense.....it's obvious what she is doing....she is tired of you dragging your feet to put a ring on her finger. I don't blame her for being so guarded. She is waiting to see if you are going to step up or step out. she is looking for a solid commitment from you....real direction, not promises. Absolutely! They have been dating 5 YEARS and the relationship was not going anywhere so that is why she broke up, that's the rut she was mentioning. OP: She wants this relationship to escalate and evolve. I don't know many young women that would be happy with just dating for 5 years and no talk of future and no step toward that future. 3
jazzyhands89 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Yes she is hiding something and sound Shady you should talk with her about these things
elisalynn Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 She's probably trying to make sure things actually stick this time. Put in tons of effort right now, "woo" her all over again, plan fun dates, stay up late together talking, etc... If she is talking about engagement and rings... come on man, that's so obvious. She probably broke up with you because she was feeling like it wasn't going anywhere and she was getting antsy to be in a relationship that was leading to marriage. So, in take two, she's trying to be clear with you; she's not going to wait another 4-5 years to see if you're serious about her. I mean, but, put in the effort for a little while first. Probably don't go out and propose tomorrow.
Aloha808808 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I don’t think she’s hiding your relationship I think she’s just being cautious. I’ve definitely been in her shoes before and I too was wary about shouting out new or potential relationships from the rooftops until I was certain myself what the relationship was and where I thought it was going. At this stage it sounds like she’s just trying to protect herself from looking like more of a fool and getting hurt again. You just need to be patient, keep making an effort with her even on the days you feel it’s not being reciprocated. She needs to see that the things your doing and the way your treating her now is going to continue not just for the first month or few but from here on out. I would also suggest taking things slowly, just because you were together for 5 years previously doesn’t always mean you can pick back up from where you left off last time. Take the time to build a good foundation with her so that the next time you guys hit a rough patch you’re able to weather the storm instead of breaking up again another 5 years down the road.
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