Relationship (s?) Confusion ? ?

[Nathan nahtaN]

Hi. I am a University Student, male and a high functioning Autist, this shouldn't matter much. It just means that when it comes to relationships I am generally the slowest and often insecure in new social situations probably like a lot of people.

 

I need help with my situation. I have left high school where a female friend of mine came forward at prom and said she wanted a relationship( let's cal her Val). Apparently this had been obvious to everyone around me that I wanted a relationship with her. The only thing we did was work on projects together well and be around each other a bit. I saw this as a friendship. Either way she did not pass the year I did. So things sort of did or did not end, fall apart. I don't know, not sure. I see it as ended, she won't say much of anything either way and I won't be confronting her on it.

 

What the main quest here is there is another girl (let's cal her Athena) who I do feel affection towards. Unknown if it is reciprocal. We have gone on some trips/dates or something, I'll call it trips. One is that I went to a cultural/university city with her under the muse of going to visit her possible study. We did which we then further went to a museum/botanical garden. We then went on another trip to a zoo close to both of us. Whereupon I biked her home and showed her knew places in the country. Tomorrow/today I am taking her to a butterfly zoo near a national park that I love. We plan to continue these outings while we are both busy with Uni in different universities, but within an hours travel by train which is a lot in NL though. It might be important to say she was trying to study Biology but is going to study chemistry instead and I am studying Physics. Yes the pure studies version. We knew each other from helping each other with school work I was the Mathematics and Physics whiz and she the Biology and Chemistry whiz. It might also be worth noting that we both shy away from physical contact with each other notably even, though I know that she is open with physical contact (yes this includes shaking hands), I have always shied away from it but that's the Autist in me. This can be overcome (the girl from the pharagraph before got me to give a person"her" a tentative hug, our relationship is/was very confusing to me).

 

I am confused as what to do because of one small thing she is deeply religious "Protestant" and I am not religious but very acceptant of religion and see no harm only positive in it in science even, if that be at all relevant. Mostly in summary(I think maybe implied another question I didn't add here): I need advice with going further with Athena and developing a relationship, for example as a non-religious person what boundaries and so forth do I need to take into account? With Val, what do I do with that relationship and how?

 

If it is at all relevant to those reading this that require imagery, by physical attractiveness I do not judge. But we are all skinny and neither of the two women are physically the most attractive of women. Val is often judged to be 18, Athena often 20-22 and I am judged 20-24 (apparently we seem more mature than our peers, makes sense though as we have both seen things that the average person will never see or experience. Also probably not relevant)

 

There is aloy more to everything but I look forward to getting the advice of others and I hope you understood what I wrote. If there is clarification or anything needed on particular's just msg me and I'll see what I can tell. I need the help, as you can guess.

[preraph]

As far as the religion, people don't always have to share religious beliefs to be compatible, but you don't want someone whose beliefs are simply against your ethics. Like growing up, I was around some fundamentalist Christians who were very bullying in that they believed the only people who'd go to heaven were those just like them, with the same type religion. Too extreme, not tolerant, against ethics.

[Gloria25]

You gotta spend time with her to see how she practices her beliefs. I think Protestant is pretty soft when it comes to practices. That's not my religion, but I used to go to the services when I was in the military (to get a break from training) cuz I felt I could attend without doing something against my real religion/beliefs.

 

I say that you need to spend time with her cuz you might flat out ask her, but in dating, the more time you spend with someone you see them in the good, bad, ugly - cuz they can hide it only for so long.

 

If a guy spends time with me, he'll see I'm lax on certain practices and not so laxed in others. Like, this was an issue with me and dude. I didn't wanna spend time with him cuz I had to do some important stuff related to my religion, but didn't want to tell him - especially when past guys took issue with my religious beliefs. But, I eventually had to tell him, cuz I think he thought that I was blowing him off.

 

I also do drink, curse, etc. My family one minute says this, the next we're putting up Xmas lights. So, a guy would only know this about me after spending time with me.

 

I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to other people's beliefs, cuz IMO, if God wanted to, He would have made us all of whatever religion He wanted. But people who have no religion in their lives trouble me. I also take offense to people who consider religion silly Harry Potter mystical rubbish. Why? Cuz religion is faith, but not blind faith. If you study the scriptures and see how they tie into science and stuff, it gives you the ability to believe (faith) when there's not clear signs (i.e. Moses parting the seas). Some religions dictate a lot of stuff - from how to marry, divorce, eat, loans, wills. The Jewish and Muslim religions dietary restrictions are a good example. And, IMO, that's confirmation that the instructions came from a higher power. Yes, man manipulates the word of God for all reasons (money, power), but you gotta sorta prsy and use your head to see what makes sense. I haven't gone to a religious building in years cuz I'm so disgusted, but will not renounce my faith.

 

So yes, I'm tolerant, but people who make jest of religion and live like animals (no religion to supply them with a moral base), offends me. On OLD, if I see atheist or like over zealous (i.e. I'm a bible thumper), I click next.

 

Just a word of caution. Even if you guys can pull it off dating, ehen kids come along, some people get serious. Think of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. People (well some) want the best for their kids and they wanna have their kids practice religion. If you two have strong differences (i.e. orthodox Jewish and Catholic), trying to raise your kids may create conflict. And, even when there's no conflict, the kids may lean towards the parent that doesn't really practice much of their religion.

 

IMO, kids who have different religions in the house can either get confused (ie is Jesus God or a prophet), or, they can learn tolerance if they see their parents demonstrating it. And, IMO, with the brewing religious wars, we need to show there's a better way to live amongst others and practice your beliefs w/o persecution, discrimination, etc.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Gloria25

[spiderowl]

You seem to see the relationship with Val as ended but that she doesn't. I don't get the impression you want more of a relationship with her so what is the problem? Are you wondering how to make it clear it has ended? That's a little more difficult if she really likes you, but you could talk about being friends and not mention anything romantic. Hopefully, she'll eventually realise that's all you want from her. Or you could simply say that you value her as a friend but unfortunately don't feel romantic towards her.

 

It doesn't sound to me like you and Val would be very compatible. You passed the year; she didn't. Athena sounds more like she's on the same intellectual wavelength as you - and believe me that makes a difference in a relationship. You are also planning ahead with her and seem to be happy to do so. Both of you are going out of your way to see each other. It sounds like you have a good friendship and enjoy spending time together. Do you want a romantic relationship with her? I know you have shied away from physical contact and so has she, but maybe you could talk with her about this and see if it's something you would both like to explore.

 

I was not sure whether you meant that Val or Athena was religious. If it is Athena, then the best thing to do is to discuss how you two could get to know each other better. You could tell her you like her and would like to move the relationship forward with her, but you are conscious that she is religious and you don't want to offend her. Ask her to let you know if there are any rules you should be aware of. Reassure her that you don't feel religion should come between you and that what matters if that you both enjoy each other's company and care about each other. Then follow your instinct as you and she get to know each other better. If she is unhappy with something you do but she knows you will respect her feelings, then she will feel OK about telling you to back off a bit if need be.

Edited August 5, 2016 by spiderowl