Chica80 Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 None My wife's affair - messed up EA took place the entire time we dated, were engaged, and right up until just after the wedding. So what could I have done to cause it ? There were no issues - no reasons (by me - or our relationship) for her to do this. She was ecstatic to get married. She said I would be the perfect husband for her and father for her child. She just wanted it all - what I offered, what OM offered - what her other old lovers offered as hidden ex fwb's. She was selfish and could not let go of the glue she had to OM and several men. Also just as her drop in sex drive during our many years of marriage - has nothing to do with me or the marriage. Two therapists confirmed that for us. Its all on her....and it still is. What took a long while for me to figure out - was why - why would she live a lifestyle like this for a few years between marriages - why would she not let go - why is her sex drive now so low? Alot of re-writing the whys - until I got to something I could accept as the reasons and "truth" as far as I can tell. What is the truth? Are you still together?
Arieswoman Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Now this is interesting ... My exH had all 6 with provisos... 1. Not so much selfish demands but entitlement issues. 2. Refused to discuss issues, walked away, stonewalled me. 3. Not overtly angry but passive/aggressive - silent treatment/sulking walking away. 4. Secretive 5. Untidy, lazy 6. Yes ! When I got to the point where I was no longer able to tolerate his crap and told him so, he was the one who cheated !! He told his AP that I was a bad-tempered shrew, who nagged him, and refused to have sex with him (that was partially true because he refused to deal with his premature ejeculation problem and I was fed up with selfish sex) So there was a grain of truth in what he said. Anyway, they're still together so her tolerance levels must be a lot higher than mine..... 2
EverySunset Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 My exWH nailed them all. But then, it has since floated back to me that apparently I nailed every guy friend he had. Wait. What? By all rights, I sound like a showgirl in an old fashioned vaudeville night club. One partner since I left him? Too provincial, no way. Years spent raising the kids, keeping the household running by myself? Not me. I was raising Cain with unchecked fury. Trying to better myself with a new job and career training? Simply untrue. I was big pimpin baby and I was my own bottom ho. The stories that come back my way are beyond entertaining and I love to hear each new chapter of my (supposed) life. Do I care that he's trying to gain support with people who come back laughing? No. I see it as acts of desperation and I would feel pity if I could muster any up, between out-calls and pimpin myself out. But it all really does keep me so busy. 2
dichotomy Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 (edited) 1) What is the truth? 2)Are you still together? 1) The truth as I have come to see it OM, whom was older and married and cheating with many women including her, represented a deep psychological daddy need after the unexpected death of her dad who was also a serial cheater. OM represented a completely different type of man then I am. Apples and Oranges. She did not want to give that up completely. So she only gave up the sexual part once she met me, but not the emotional or seeing/talking to him part. She continued that the whole time until we got married. OM never stopped trying to get her to resume the sexual side again. Even years after dDay he tried. I think until we got married - perhaps longer if not for dDay - he was a backup plan. Sex is sex to my wife. Love is love. They are not connected at all to her. Sex is what it brings to HER needs. She suffers with a Madonna whore syndrome - love vs sex. Casual sex is fun, dirty and wild. Marriage is safe, respectful and bland. She thrives - sexually - in a non monogamous open multi-partnership lifestyle. Variety and exploration. She thrives - emotionally, spiritually, life style, stability, peaceful, parenting/home/family - in OUR marriage. She loves all of this with me. She respects and admires me as a husband/partner, father and person. She will not cheat again - because she will loose the life she loves.....and because she got several years of the sexual fun. She worries about me cheating and leaving now. 2) Yes...but many ask why ? I made a choice based on my needs for a family life - kids. This was a late in life second marriage, last chance for that life, I was childless. I decided to stay and work on it and work on her. She was willing to have a child with me at a late age, even going through a difficult process. Also My wife had many many other issues at the beginning I have not discussed her (also hidden from me while dating/engaged) - but all have been worked out now (thanks to me). She is a better partner, person, wife, mom, now. All that remains is the sexual issue. Because she wants to be in this life with me, she occasionally tries to fix the sex... she wants to ...but its just not how she is wired and she can't do it. My life is comfortable, my children are happy and thriving, my wife an I generally are pleasant, - laugh, hold hands, enjoy events. I treasure this - something I wanted my whole life. But I am also lonely because of passion - for sex and love - for honesty and intimacy - for faithfulness - are part of my core. Edited August 6, 2016 by dichotomy 2
Chica80 Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 1) The truth as I have come to see it OM, whom was older and married and cheating with many women including her, represented a deep psychological daddy need after the unexpected death of her dad who was also a serial cheater. OM represented a completely different type of man then I am. Apples and Oranges. She did not want to give that up completely. So she only gave up the sexual part once she met me, but not the emotional or seeing/talking to him part. She continued that the whole time until we got married. OM never stopped trying to get her to resume the sexual side again. Even years after dDay he tried. I think until we got married - perhaps longer if not for dDay - he was a backup plan. Sex is sex to my wife. Love is love. They are not connected at all to her. Sex is what it brings to HER needs. She suffers with a Madonna whore syndrome - love vs sex. Casual sex is fun, dirty and wild. Marriage is safe, respectful and bland. She thrives - sexually - in a non monogamous open multi-partnership lifestyle. Variety and exploration. She thrives - emotionally, spiritually, life style, stability, peaceful, parenting/home/family - in OUR marriage. She loves all of this with me. She respects and admires me as a husband/partner, father and person. She will not cheat again - because she will loose the life she loves.....and because she got several years of the sexual fun. She worries about me cheating and leaving now. 2) Yes...but many ask why ? I made a choice based on my needs for a family life - kids. This was a late in life second marriage, last chance for that life, I was childless. I decided to stay and work on it and work on her. She was willing to have a child with me at a late age, even going through a difficult process. Also My wife had many many other issues at the beginning I have not discussed her (also hidden from me while dating/engaged) - but all have been worked out now (thanks to me). She is a better partner, person, wife, mom, now. All that remains is the sexual issue. Because she wants to be in this life with me, she occasionally tries to fix the sex... she wants to ...but its just not how she is wired and she can't do it. My life is comfortable, my children are happy and thriving, my wife an I generally are pleasant, - laugh, hold hands, enjoy events. I treasure this - something I wanted my whole life. But I am also lonely because of passion - for sex and love - for honesty and intimacy - for faithfulness - are part of my core. Thank you for your answer...it all sounds very complex very painful... 3
Lady2163 Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 Now this is interesting ... He told his AP that I was a bad-tempered shrew, who nagged him, and refused to have sex with him (that was partially true because he refused to deal with his premature ejeculation problem and I was fed up with selfish sex) So there was a grain of truth in what he said. Anyway, they're still together so her tolerance levels must be a lot higher than mine..... Not to spin too far off-topic, but my exH also had trouble with premature ejaculation. Eventually, it came out that for 20+ years he had been masturbating 2-3 times a day. A little of that is just fine. But the result of 1000 orgasms a year with the intent to orgasm and orgasm quickly, he had pretty much trained his body to get it done. There were way to many times of plunge in and groan, so just one stroke was all it took. 1
Morgoth Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I'd say divorces, marriage problems, etc follow the bell curve. There are the extreme ends, kind of like Dichotomy's situation, but most fit in the middle - where i'd say that both partners are equally responsible for the affair or creating the environment for the affair to happen. I always talked freely about my marriage to my AP's, the good, the bad and the ugly - and the fact I was married. I pretty much also indicated early on that Divorce is not an option as I have children and they come first. I also stayed away from married women and mostly focused on single women. Married women have to much drama potential, and usually want to get laid and move on. The interesting thing to the OP, is if your husband lied having the affair, he may be placating you to get back on your good graces, saying what you want to hear. Marriage counseling may work for some, but I found it to be a monumental waste of time, with the therapist more interested in the duration of counseling to keep the cash flowing. Good luck to you though!
Arieswoman Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Morgoth, where i'd say that both partners are equally responsible for the affair or creating the environment for the affair to happen. so are you are saying that the BS is responsible for the WS's choice to cheat? 2
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 (edited) I have given this a lot of thought and realized that my wife did not rewrite our marital history, she wrote our marital future in the most negative light. I was the responsible one in the marriage and took care of the business items like mortgage, retirement plans, insurance, paying the bills, taking care of the cars, landscaping, etc. I had lived on my own for many years prior to our marriage. I have always been very independent. My wife on the other hand was the opposite. She never truly lived on her own. The fact that I was independent and had traveled all over and lived in different parts of the country was attractive to her. She loved that about me. Once she fell for her OM, my traits turned into big negatives. She saw me as being boring because I took care of the boring family items listed above. While explaining her state of mind at that time my parents' marriage played a role in her justification. My parents' marriage IS boring, and she projected their marriage onto ours. She looked down the road with our marriage mirroring theirs. That view suffocated her. (FYI - My wife's parents live the most boring anti-social life; but that's her FOO and therefore okay) It didn't help that my new job required frequent travel. When I was home I had to take care of everything like going through the mail and paying bills, mowing the yard, washing my clothes, etc. She also worked on weekends so it was easy for her to distance herself from our marriage and responsibilities of being an adult. She wanted to go back to her single days when she didn't have to deal with "adult" stuff like marriage, bills, career, etc. Her parents took care of all of that for her. Dating her new boyfriend was a way to relive her youthful care-free lifestyle. She held up that care-free lifestyle to the polar opposite of my parents' boring and mundane marriage. The OM was single and could be care-free and spontaneous. That was another theme in her affair - being spontaneous. She missed the days of being spontaneous. With my career and taking care of family matters I was not spontaneous anymore (in her mind). Since my wife knew that our marriage was better than most up to that point, she didn't bother trying to rewrite our marital history. She just over-layed my parents' boring marriage on top of our future marriage. Edited August 8, 2016 by Betrayed&Stayed 1
heartwhole Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think that assuming you have two healthy, compatible people, then the key to sustaining a marriage is in focusing on the positives. If you think ill of your spouse, then every little thing they do is evidence of their selfishness, immaturity, etc. If you focus on the positive, you notice every time they do something thoughtful and you assign reasonable motives to their actions. Certainly at the time of the affair, we were in a more negative rut. He was being more selfish and independent. I was being more negative in how I viewed him. Once in the affair, he ramped up the selfish demands and independent behavior, while at the same time viewing everything I did in a negative light. He says he had confirmation bias that I didn't love him or want him any more. But once I figured out that he was setting me up to push him away, I made a sincere effort to pull us back together. A small part of me did it because i realized he was setting me up and I wasn't going to fall for it, but mostly I did it in good faith because I have nothing to gain by having a crappy marriage. But now 16 months later I'm struggling with how to give him the benefit of the doubt, how to act in good faith, and how to view his choices in a positive light. I guess the last one is the easier because his current choices are (mostly) solid and indicative of a real desire to change and grow together. But I haven't yet gotten over the terrible price I paid for giving him the benefit of the doubt. I feel like he burned that trust to the ground and it's going to take a long time to rebuild it. I'm just tired of always being the one that sees the big picture and tries to get us to the end goal. I need him to take that over for a while. 1
ladydesigner Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Morgoth, so are you are saying that the BS is responsible for the WS's choice to cheat? Yeah it's another WS trying to prove their point 1
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I'm just tired of always being the one that sees the big picture and tries to get us to the end goal. I need him to take that over for a while. Just shows how an infidelity can find its roots in any part of a marriage and circles back to indicate a WS can rewrite any marital history. My wife and I share the same dynamic - I'm forward focused, she lives in the moment. While it's been a strength for us, I can see how devastating it would be to have that used against you in justifying an affair... Mr. Lucky 3
Author Lobe Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Since my wife knew that our marriage was better than most up to that point, she didn't bother trying to rewrite our marital history. She just over-layed my parents' boring marriage on top of our future marriage. Ooooooh - I am going to ask WH about this! I find it interesting that his "future faking" with her was actually just living out the things that we had already started planning for, except in her version she got slapped, choked, and fisted while drunk and high. I am WAY boring compared to her, when you think about it in that light LOL 1
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