how did the marriage history in your affair get rewritten?

[Lobe]

I sent someone to this quiz earlier today on her own post and now curiosity is killing me about how the WS's recollection or representation of their BS and marriage differs from reality.

 

So in MC we've done all kinds of exercises, some great, some hokey. This one is about "lovebusters" (google it if you want more info) and it identifies the following as the 6 main areas of friction in marriage.

 

_____ Selfish Demands

_____ Disrespectful Judgments

_____ Angry Outbursts

_____ Dishonesty

_____ Annoying Behavior

_____ Independent Behavior

 

What chapped my ass after looking at this is that NONE OF THESE (as presented in the context of the quiz) applied to our marriage situation before the affair. In MC we agreed we never (and still don't) make selfish demands of one another, we both felt not judged, neither one of us was/is prone to freaking out or being volatile, annoying behaviours we identified are things like I ruin his perfectly satisfying stretches by putting my finger in his armpit and he ruins my perfectly good sleep with his snoring. And we've both been fairly good at keeping a balance of independent and mutual ventures.

 

What this quiz showed is that the only time that our relationship was plagued with intolerable levels of anger, dishonesty, selfishness, and annoying or independent behaviour was [italic]during his affair.[/italic] Even our sex, infrequent and vanilla as it was, did not stop until the affair started. But by the time d-day rolled around he had completely rewritten our marriage so that if he was to describe us to someone who knows us as a couple they would think he (for real) was on crack. Now, I'm not saying we were "perfect" by any stretch, but we were not broken or unserviceable when he started interpreting our relationship history through affair-coloured glasses.

 

So I'd love to hear from some of you how your marriage history got "rewritten." For waywards I'm curious what lies you convinced yourself were true about both your BS and the AP. For BS's I'm sure some of the things you found out WS said were completely off the rails. And for any APs who feel like chiming in, I imagine you have all kinds of stories about the BS that you thought were true while you were in the A but now realize were lies...

 

Share away!

Edited August 4, 2016 by Lobe
bad grammar...

[Mr. Lucky]

 

_____ Selfish Demands

_____ Disrespectful Judgments

_____ Angry Outbursts

_____ Dishonesty

_____ Annoying Behavior

_____ Independent Behavior

 

What chapped my ass after looking at this is that NONE OF THESE (as presented in the context of the quiz) applied to our marriage situation before the affair.

 

With all due respect - NONE?

 

Ozzie and Harriet had at least 3 and theirs was an idealized version of marriage. Just as there's a tendency for the WS to devalue the marital history in the interest of justification, the BS is under equal pressure to romanticize same in the interest of self-preservation. The sex is remembered as better and more frequent, the arguments fewer and resentments less present.

 

Having said that, obviously none of the six behaviors - alone or in combination - justify infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lobe]

With all due respect - NONE?

 

As I said, as presented in the context of the quiz, yes, none that rated prior to the affair lol. (See the explanations used by the quiz below.) With all due respect, I don't think marriage therapy is "one size fits all" and some of the theories and approaches on this guy's website certainly didn't "work" for us. This one not so much, but the "emotional needs" questionnaire was really great. I think for us, this exercise didn't show us what was "wrong" with our marriage but what we had "right" if that makes any sense. We had *other* issues but not these lol

 

From the actual quiz:

 

1. Selfish Demands. Attempts by your spouse to force you to do something for him, usually with implied threat of punishment if you refuse.

 

2. Disrespectful Judgments. Attempts by your spouse to change your attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by trying to force you into his way of thinking. If (1) he lectures you instead of respectfully discussing issues, (2) feels that his opinion is superior to yours, (3) talks over you or prevents you from having a chance to explain your position, or (4) ridicules your point of view, he is engaging in disrespectful judgments.

 

3. Angry Outbursts. Deliberate attempts by your spouse to hurt you because of anger toward you. They are usually in the form of verbal or physical attacks.

 

4. Dishonesty. Failure of your spouse to reveal his thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. Dishonesty is not only providing false information about any of the above topics, but it is also leaving you with what he knows is a false impression.

 

5. Annoying Habits. Behavior repeated by your spouse without much thought that bothers you. These habits include personal mannerisms such as the way your spouse eats, cleans up after himself, and talks.

 

6. Independent Behavior. Behavior conceived and executed by your spouse without consideration of your feelings. These behaviors are usually scheduled and require thought to complete, such as attending sporting events or engaging in a personal exercise program.

[Chica80]

All of them except the first one. No selfish demands. I'm MOW. He definitely had 2 3 4.

He would probably tell you I am 1 and 6.

This was not rewritten as they were things we fought about long before A.

 

I don't know if this counts as selfish demands by the description above, but if I didn't "behave" how he wanted, I would get the silent treatment or pushed away rejected after I thought we had already made up.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Mr. Lucky]

All of them except the first one. No selfish demands. I'm MOW. He definitely had 2 3 4.

 

"He" as in your AP, or "he" as in your BS ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chica80]

"He" as in your AP, or "he" as in your BS ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He as in H, BS

[MuddyFootprints]

I'd put a check on every single one of them for both of us.

 

The rewriting on my part was prefacing my claims with 'he always' or 'I never'... because it wasn't always, always; and, it was definitely never, never.

 

We still struggle with our humanity and are rewriting our future. For me/us, I think that's where our focus should be. Always.

[Lobe]

The rewriting on my part was... always never

 

everytime my WH starts a convo with "always" or "never" we both know it's time to pause and reevaluate.

 

I've looked at the concept of cognitive dissonance through a psychosocial lens (religious context) before but it's fascinating through the lens of affairs.

 

It is remarkable what we convince ourselves is "true" and "moral" when we are desperate to believe.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My wife's affair started 90 days after our wedding, during the happiest and most fulfilling time of our relationship. We have nothing but photo albums and videos of parties, vacations, us doting on eachother, having a wonderful time together.

 

But when she got busted, she tried to tell me she was very unhappy.

 

Years later she admitted that she WAS totally happy, and the affair was all about needing more attention that any one person could give. Basically the 8 hours a day she was at work, and I was unavailable, she needed someone constantly praising her too.

 

Sometimes it's not about YOU at all.

[ladydesigner]

My WH rewrites any history that suits him best in every relationship he has.

 

With our M, he rewrote it as:

 

"My wife NEVER wants to have sex with me"

 

Truth: We were having sex 3 times a week. We weren't connecting because I had resentment towards him for working long hours and never having participated in raising the kids.

 

"My wife is abusive"

 

Truth: We had a lot of arguments around the fact that he was never home and not helping me out enough with the kids and around the house.

 

"My wife doesn't love me anymore"

 

Truth: I did in fact love him and was desperate to fix or change things in our M at that time.

 

Not sure that I rewrote our M history in my RA. I don't think I did, but I did feel like I was entitled to revenge

[ShatteredLady]

Oh I felt like I was completely loosing my mind!

 

I was blind-sided on New Years Day reading the passive aggressive, just for me, post he made on my chronic pain forum. He titled it "My Former Magical Life" & outlined how he was struggling with the question "is it selfish to leave my burden of crippled wife & young children to chase "Love, Romance & Adventure"? He listed all of the things that he would never get to do if he stayed with me.

 

For a start all but 1 of those things I HAD arranged & we HAD done!! The others, like never have a vacation or go anywhere fun....I could produce the written evidence of everything I had organized but had to cancel because HE lost HIS job!! (I had the photographs to prove the 'fun things' we had already done!

 

Obviously he was correct that the weeks following my life saving surgery weren't all fun & games! Sorry babe. I'll sing & dance next time I'm fighting for my life! How was I to know that when we were laying in bed laughing, joking & he was professing his undying love it was all fake??

 

In the end it got so bad that I behaved like a criminal being prosecuted. I created a timeline of defense from journals, emails, letters & texts. I did this as much for my own sanity as anything else! The things I was being accused of to dull his guilt were truly amazing!! The weird thing is HE BELIEVED WHAT HE WAS SAYING!! Crazy!!

[Lobe]

The things I was being accused of to dull his guilt were truly amazing!! The weird thing is HE BELIEVED WHAT HE WAS SAYING!! Crazy!!

 

Precisely.

[solostand]

FORMER OW here:

 

He got married with his fingers crossed.

He would have left her years ago but was afraid to be alone.

She hated sex.

Intimate details of their sex life and complete betrayal of her privacy (like how his second child was conceived).

How he thought about killing her and wished she would die.

She was terrible at giving blow jobs and treated his penis like a Tonka Toy.

She had a drinking problem.

She had a shopping problem.

She hated him and just wanted him for his money.

She didn't appreciate anything he did.

She made him feel like a servant.

I could go on.

[Lobe]

FORMER OW here:

 

He got married with his fingers crossed.

He would have left her years ago but was afraid to be alone.

She hated sex.

Intimate details of their sex life and complete betrayal of her privacy (like how his second child was conceived).

How he thought about killing her and wished she would die.

She was terrible at giving blow jobs and treated his penis like a Tonka Toy.

She had a drinking problem.

She had a shopping problem.

She hated him and just wanted him for his money.

She didn't appreciate anything he did.

She made him feel like a servant.

I could go on.

 

Ouch. How much of it do you think/know was true and how much of it do you figure was just to make you (and him) feel OK about the A?

[solostand]

Don't know, don't care. The affair lasted 2.5 years and was very deep. Every day. ILY at every moment. Calls seven or eight times a day. When he collapsed, he called me. The minute he was out of intensive care, he called me. I was as stupid as him. Secretly spending days with him at the hospital Everyone knew about it,that's how we got caught. He acted like I was his gfriend. After Dday, the wife made me the villian. Eventually I got tired of his lies and told her the truth. That made it even worse! However, as recently as last month he was contacting me. Coward!

[solostand]

Although I did talk to her once and she brought up the sex and blow job thing as a problem. So what?

[Chica80]

Don't know, don't care. The affair lasted 2.5 years and was very deep. Every day. ILY at every moment. Calls seven or eight times a day. When he collapsed, he called me. The minute he was out of intensive care, he called me. I was as stupid as him. Secretly spending days with him at the hospital Everyone knew about it,that's how we got caught. He acted like I was his gfriend. After Dday, the wife made me the villian. Eventually I got tired of his lies and told her the truth. That made it even worse! However, as recently as last month he was contacting me. Coward!

 

Wow!!! Sounds like he didn't care about getting caught. But he didn't want to make any decisions to change or do otherwise.

[Chica80]

AP never talks about his wife. What I know about her is only the impression of the times I've met her.

 

I used to think AP practically walked on water....none of the components. Total KISA (is that the right phrase)

 

Well.....except for the fact our affair has/was going on for 18mo and he has been married for one year.

[Lady2163]

I don't know how much I agree with the original checklist.

 

Four main problems and arguments in a marriage imo:

 

Money

Child rearing

Sex

Division of labor

[wmacbride]

Oh I felt like I was completely loosing my mind!

 

I was blind-sided on New Years Day reading the passive aggressive, just for me, post he made on my chronic pain forum. He titled it "My Former Magical Life" & outlined how he was struggling with the question "is it selfish to leave my burden of crippled wife & young children to chase "Love, Romance & Adventure"? He listed all of the things that he would never get to do if he stayed with me.

 

For a start all but 1 of those things I HAD arranged & we HAD done!! The others, like never have a vacation or go anywhere fun....I could produce the written evidence of everything I had organized but had to cancel because HE lost HIS job!! (I had the photographs to prove the 'fun things' we had already done!

 

Obviously he was correct that the weeks following my life saving surgery weren't all fun & games! Sorry babe. I'll sing & dance next time I'm fighting for my life! How was I to know that when we were laying in bed laughing, joking & he was professing his undying love it was all fake??

 

In the end it got so bad that I behaved like a criminal being prosecuted. I created a timeline of defense from journals, emails, letters & texts. I did this as much for my own sanity as anything else! The things I was being accused of to dull his guilt were truly amazing!! The weird thing is HE BELIEVED WHAT HE WAS SAYING!! Crazy!!

 

Something my husband told me some years after his A ended is that one moment that stands out as one he is especially ashamed of is when he was chatting online with his ow, and she asked him what he was doing. He told her nothing, he was by himself as I was in the hospital with one of our kids. She had messaged him back that he must get very lonely sometimes, with all my attention focused on our kids, and when I got home and the kids and I were in bed, he should try and sneak away for a few minutes so they could talk.

 

I saw the messages, and didn't see the man I knew in them at all. This was a guy who was always there for his kids and was ( and still is) an excellent dad.

 

He told me that looking back, we was ashamed as he started to think along the lines of what she was saying. Instead of thinking " my wife is at the hospital with our child who is ill. I'm worried about our daughter, and my wife who is there with her. What are they going through?", it was " I'm here alone and lonely. I need some attention, and I'm not getting any".

 

I'm not blaming the ow, as he allowed himself to be drawn in. His boundaries were weak, and he was really not himself at the time. The PTSD was taking "him" away.

 

The odd thing is that he's told me that if he happens to read something that he wrote form back then, he doesn't see himself in it at all, he almost doesn't recognize the person in them, and it makes him ashamed that he ever did the things he did. I hope he can let go of that in time. I have forgiven him, and I hope he can forgive himself too.

[Joie]

My H did some pretty serious rewriting. In one of our first counseling sessions he complained about how we NEVER did anything. During the 5 month affair, we had gone to Mexico, Vegas, and Chicago. Not to mention he was taking one night a week for "me" time and every weekend to play golf. We have 3 kids one that was a baby at the time. I chalked it up to selfish behavior. I do remember being angry when we talked about it during counseling.' Let me get this straight. You are complaining about never doing anything while at the bar with your w**** while I at home taking care of you children after I worked all day. Happily letting you have "me" time.'

 

It was one of our easier fixes. Counselor sided with me on this one. LOL!

[Lobe]

I don't know how much I agree with the original checklist.

 

Four main problems and arguments in a marriage imo:

 

Money

Child rearing

Sex

Division of labor

 

It was a really weird list - I felt confused. Like I said, I think therapy is not one size fits all; this was definitely not a useful quiz for us lol

[TrustedthenBusted]

My H did some pretty serious rewriting. In one of our first counseling sessions he complained about how we NEVER did anything. During the 5 month affair, we had gone to Mexico, Vegas, and Chicago. Not to mention he was taking one night a week for "me" time and every weekend to play golf. We have 3 kids one that was a baby at the time. I chalked it up to selfish behavior. I do remember being angry when we talked about it during counseling.' Let me get this straight. You are complaining about never doing anything while at the bar with your w**** while I at home taking care of you children after I worked all day. Happily letting you have "me" time.'

 

It was one of our easier fixes. Counselor sided with me on this one. LOL!

 

Same. My wife said we "weren't doing much together" at the time. So I brought the photo album to a session and showed pictures of no less than 20 or so adventures taken over the course of that year.

 

As we talked further, my wife finally tearfully admitted that she would turn down a lot of my invitations to go do things, in order to have the time off to go see her boyfriend.

 

So she was right...we weren't doing AS MUCH together, but this was HER choice.

[dichotomy]

None

 

My wife's affair - messed up EA took place the entire time we dated, were engaged, and right up until just after the wedding. So what could I have done to cause it ?

 

There were no issues - no reasons (by me - or our relationship) for her to do this. She was ecstatic to get married. She said I would be the perfect husband for her and father for her child.

 

She just wanted it all - what I offered, what OM offered - what her other old lovers offered as hidden ex fwb's. She was selfish and could not let go of the glue she had to OM and several men.

 

Also just as her drop in sex drive during our many years of marriage - has nothing to do with me or the marriage. Two therapists confirmed that for us.

 

Its all on her....and it still is.

 

 

What took a long while for me to figure out - was why - why would she live a lifestyle like this for a few years between marriages - why would she not let go - why is her sex drive now so low? Alot of re-writing the whys - until I got to something I could accept as the reasons and "truth" as far as I can tell.

[Red123]

FORMER OW here:

 

He got married with his fingers crossed.

He would have left her years ago but was afraid to be alone.

She hated sex.

Intimate details of their sex life and complete betrayal of her privacy (like how his second child was conceived).

How he thought about killing her and wished she would die.

She was terrible at giving blow jobs and treated his penis like a Tonka Toy.

She had a drinking problem.

She had a shopping problem.

She hated him and just wanted him for his money.

She didn't appreciate anything he did.

She made him feel like a servant.

I could go on.

 

I may be confusing you with someone else, but wasn't he an alcoholic? I thought I remembered reading you and he went to the same meetings. If so its funny that he pointed out her addiction issues, not his own.