Popsicle Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 I love my girlfriend but I don't want to get married and have kids right now. I love my girlfriend we've been dating for 1 year and she's already talking about marriage and kids. More about kids because of her biological clock, she's 34 I'm 30. I don't feel ready, it's too soon to talk about this stuff. I was married once and got divorced, she was married twice got divorced too! I don't know what to do, I know I don't want to get married and have children now but I think one day after 5 or 10 years I will want! SHoud I break up? Yes, break up. You are two different pages.
MidwestUSA Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Dude, she's not on birth control, doesn't believe in plan B, and you're having unprotected sex. Wake up and smell the coffee, daddy! :facepalm:
sandylee1 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 The twice divorced would be more of a concern for me to be honest. If my brother was in this situation I'd ask what went wrong in her last 2 marriages so quickly. This is also why ab older woman and younger man isn't the best, even though 4 years isn't a gap as such, but if she were 30 and him 34, it wouldn't be as bad on the biological clock. Men go on to father kids at 60+. More over being an old das doesn't have a physical effect on their bodies, like it does a woman. I'm not saying you are wrong not to want a child right now, but from the time she mentioned her desire for kids, you should have been thinking about time frame and whether it would work for you. If she was 23 when you met, then your 5 years might be fine.
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 What nut of a woman starts talking about having kids on the second date? If I went out on two dates with a girl and she said that I would run. I'm a guy, not a sperm donor. If we hit it off, sure. But before that it is basically saying she places children above compatibility. Not on my watch. OK, so you obviously have a thing about women having kids and you think all women should want you for you and you can probably decide further down the line if you want kids or not. Great, you can do that till you are about 80. All you need is the ability to attract a fertile young woman. BUT women have a small window of fertility. Hanging about in her thirties with a guy who is unsure, or who doesn't want kids is a complete waste of her time. Time she could be spending having a family with some other guy. Having kids is a huge deal for most women, it is what many feel they are born to do, and anyone who tries to minimise that, doesn't know much about women. If a man on date 2 says he doesn't want kids, then for a woman who wants kids, it is a no go, a deal breaker, no matter how good a prospect, no matter how compatible he may be in other ways. Even if he does make the right noises, but he doesn't step up to the mark later then he has to go, else she may miss her opportunity to have the kids she always wanted. 2
Vado Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 A woman who starts to talk about kids on the first few dates, that's like a man who starts to talk about sex. He: does she likes me, or does she just wants a father for kids? She: does he likes me, or is he just looking for someone to have sex with? Most guys wanna have kids, most women like sex. Just don't bring it up so soon. It's a big turn off. 2
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Most guys wanna have kids, ...sometime. That is fine when the woman is in her teens and twenties, there is no rush. But many women do seem to get seriously involved with men who are not marriage or father material, as they never discuss it for fear of scaring him off and when it does come up she is gutted to find he has no intentions of getting married or having kids soon or even ever.... A woman in her thirties has a ticking biological time clock, she needs to know early doors if he is the marrying family type or he is simply content to date forever. She is dealing with grown men also their thirties, forties and fifties who should be well aware that marriage and kids are hot topics at her age, and therefore it is not something that can be ignored like it doesn't exist. She can't afford to hang around for 5-10 years for some man, who then tells her when she asks, he never ever wanted kids anyway. 1
Author js_77 Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 I didn't say about after 5 or 10 years, I just told her I don't want kids and marriage "now", maybe one day I would want. And I asked "Would you still want to continue our relationship?" She told me yes!
VeveCakes Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 That is not a serious conversation. I guarantee you in her mind she is thinking she can wait a few more months. I would sit her down and have a serious discussion on the timeline you might be ready for this. At 30 you aren't that young to want to be pushing it back 5-10 years. There are lots of guys out there younger who are ready for commitment and family. She needs to be told how serious you are about needing more time so she can make an informed decision.
preraph Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 I didn't say about after 5 or 10 years, I just told her I don't want kids and marriage "now", maybe one day I would want. And I asked "Would you still want to continue our relationship?" She told me yes! Good, now wear condoms until such time as you want a baby. 1
SevenCity Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 OK, so you obviously have a thing about women having kids and you think all women should want you for you and you can probably decide further down the line if you want kids or not. Great, you can do that till you are about 80. All you need is the ability to attract a fertile young woman. BUT women have a small window of fertility. Hanging about in her thirties with a guy who is unsure, or who doesn't want kids is a complete waste of her time. Time she could be spending having a family with some other guy. Having kids is a huge deal for most women, it is what many feel they are born to do, and anyone who tries to minimise that, doesn't know much about women. If a man on date 2 says he doesn't want kids, then for a woman who wants kids, it is a no go, a deal breaker, no matter how good a prospect, no matter how compatible he may be in other ways. Even if he does make the right noises, but he doesn't step up to the mark later then he has to go, else she may miss her opportunity to have the kids she always wanted. I get the impression your fertile years were wasted by some guy who didn't want kids. And yes, 100% absolutely I want a women who wants ME and puts our compatibility above anything else - because that's what I do for her. I'm not out looking for a womb nor do I entertain women who are looking for a sperm donor. Think of how many people have kids and get divorced. What do you think that does to them? To the kids?? The problem is that some women are so preoccupied with having kids they lose sight of the fact that a marriage will fail if not based on the compatibility of the couple. I've known many people who have gotten divorced. They were incompatible but both wanted kids. The kids came along and guess what? Things got worse. Raising kids puts a tremendous stress on a relationship. If that is not build on strong compatibility it will, and does, crumble. One of my best friends has the strongest marriage I've ever seen. His secret? Marriage comes first, kids come second. They have 2 wonderful boys and still get excited (really excited) to have sex after over 10 years. They operate as a unit, not baby making machines. If more people would risk their biological urges to reproduce and instead concentrate on finding the right partner, this world would be a better place. We don't lack enough people on the planet.
sandylee1 Posted August 6, 2016 Posted August 6, 2016 I think as a woman, you need to look at the person your dating and assess if he'll want marriage and children on your timeline from the early days. A response of 'I want kids one day' would not be good enough for me. I'm married with children now, but when I reached the point that I was more looking for a potential husband than a boyfriend, I ascertained those things quite early on. So those who had pie in the sky dreams of doing xy or z before settling down, didn't last very long with me. I enjoyed the little time we had, but in my mind I knew it was just a short lived thing till I ended it. I never invested emotionally for that very reason. I got married in my late twenties, but if my now husband said he didn't want to settle and have kids for another two years even, I'd have left him. There's no chance I'd allow anyone to waste my fertile years. I come from a culture where 15/20 year age gaps with the man being older is not a rarity, because younger men are so hesitant. Then you get the younger wife being a carer when the man is older and I wasn't having that. It's down to women to jump ship and not hang in there if you aren't in sync, because the fertility decline will impact you. 1
Recommended Posts