js_77 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I love my girlfriend but I don't want to get married and have kids right now. I love my girlfriend we've been dating for 1 year and she's already talking about marriage and kids. More about kids because of her biological clock, she's 34 I'm 30. I don't feel ready, it's too soon to talk about this stuff. I was married once and got divorced, she was married twice got divorced too! I don't know what to do, I know I don't want to get married and have children now but I think one day after 5 or 10 years I will want! SHoud I break up?
salparadise Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Five or ten years will be too late for her. Let her go and quit wasting her time. 14
gorf Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I love my girlfriend but we've been dating for 1 year she's already talking about marriage and kids. I know I don't want to get married and have children now I think one day after 5 or 10 years I will want! SHoud I break up? Yeah, you should break up or at least be crystal clear with her. 1 year, its not crazy to be talking about that stuff after 1 year. Especially at your ages. 5 or 10 years to start having kids??? That's insane. Who wants to Start having kids, changing pampers at 3am, etc, at 35 40 years old. Its a healthy topic thats coming up at a normal time on her part, she has a bond with you that is apparently close enough to want these things with you. So have you told her you want kids? Have you told her specifically? or just indirectly suggested it as you pass by kids-r-us? Does she know you don't want kids within the next year... or ten years? I think that is really what she is after. 1
Poppyolive Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Yes, be up front and clear that you are not ready, and let her go find someone that will match her time line. You're both on different pages. 2
Bialy Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 It's probably better if you just say that you're not interested in having kids. Did you lead her on when you first met? I think if you had early on expressed that you don't see your life centered around settling down with someone, she would have parted ways with you. How did this not come up at all until now? 1
Bialy Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 5 or 10 years to start having kids??? That's insane. Who wants to Start having kids, changing pampers at 3am, etc, at 35 40 years old. . Heh. I live in a metropolitan area where people tend to delay having children until they're financially stable and settled. So, it's not unusual to see people having children after 30. In fact, several people at my job have had their children after 38. And all of the children born are healthy. 3
smackie9 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 You don't get it....women can't wait. At 35 a woman's fertility can drop dramatically. At 40+ she increases her chances of having a down syndrome child. I'm surprise this wasn't directly discussed during your first few dates. Since you both are not on the same page, breakup....why get into another divorce. 2
smackie9 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 ***Every woman is different. I totally get some wait til later in life regarless of the risks BUT your GF wants kids now, and you can't change that. Like I said you both are not on the same page. It's game over.
basil67 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 In fact, several people at my job have had their children after 38. And all of the children born are healthy. That would be the children you know of. For women older than 38, there are frequently many rounds of failed IVF, miscarriage and terminations of babies who aren't "perfect". These things tend not to be discussed. 7
basil67 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 At 35, she doesn't have time left to wait around. You need to be honest with her NOW 1
Bialy Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 That would be the children you know of. For women older than 38, there are frequently many rounds of failed IVF, miscarriage and terminations of babies who aren't "perfect". These things tend not to be discussed. These things happen, of course. I've heard those stories as well. But it would be dishonest to say that there aren't healthy babies being born naturally with parents 35+. 1
sandylee1 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 5 or 10 years when she'll be 39/44. Are you unaware of the biological clock? Please... Let her go and find someone who is on the same page as her. You're wasting her time and that's one thing that you can never get back. 3
basil67 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 These things happen, of course. I've heard those stories as well. But it would be dishonest to say that there aren't healthy babies being born naturally with parents 35+. Sure. I'm not saying that it can't happen. What I'm saying is that the chances of a naturally conceived, healthy baby are substantially lower. And the women who do conceive naturally tend to take longer to do so. I am simply wary of giving false hope. 1
SevenCity Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 You don't get it....women can't wait. At 35 a woman's fertility can drop dramatically. At 40+ she increases her chances of having a down syndrome child. I'm surprise this wasn't directly discussed during your first few dates. Since you both are not on the same page, breakup....why get into another divorce. What nut of a woman starts talking about having kids on the second date? If I went out on two dates with a girl and she said that I would run. I'm a guy, not a sperm donor. If we hit it off, sure. But before that it is basically saying she places children above compatibility. Not on my watch.
Chuff Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 What nut of a woman starts talking about having kids on the second date? OP said they've been dating 1 year.
preraph Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 You have to tell her you're nowhere near ready. And if you're never going to be ready, break up. And meanwhile, I strongly advise you do not trust her with birth control but use a condom. 2
basil67 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 What nut of a woman starts talking about having kids on the second date? If I went out on two dates with a girl and she said that I would run. I'm a guy, not a sperm donor. If we hit it off, sure. But before that it is basically saying she places children above compatibility. Not on my watch. It's not about placing children above compatibility. It's about a mutual desire for children soon being part of the compatibility equation. There is a difference. 1
SevenCity Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 It's not about placing children above compatibility. It's about a mutual desire for children soon being part of the compatibility equation. There is a difference. Crazy. So if a guy starts saying he would like her to cook dinner every night and take it in the butt that's ok on a second date? There's a time and a place for these types of expectations.
SoThatHappened Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 You've dated a year (Honestly, I think you need *at least* that much time to know if he/she is the one) She's been divorced twice already. Maybe because she pushes marriage too quickly without being sure of that person? I see SO MANY couples who got married quickly because, well, that was the next step. They were in a rush to be "grown ups." Then, they're miserable in their marriage, so they figure, "Let's have kids!" Since, again, that's the next step. Now they're miserable with kids. And even if they stayed married, that definitely affects their children. If she wants kids and you give in, and turns out there's a very good reason she's twice divorced and now wants to make it a hat-trick... your child(ren) is/are left with a broken family. Have the talk, but don't do anything you're not ready to do. 1
basil67 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Crazy. So if a guy starts saying he would like her to cook dinner every night and take it in the butt that's ok on a second date? There's a time and a place for these types of expectations. I'd hope that if a man had those expectations that he would tell me early on. Then I'd know that we weren't compatible and not waste my time with him. Better than 'bait and switch'. My now husband made it clear within the first few dates that he wanted to be a father before he got old. He was right to be clear with what he wanted from a relationship. 3
DramaInPajamas Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Tell her straight. She may not listen. One of my friends was always clear about wanting children and marriage. She got involved with a man with a bad track record, divorces and two kids by two women. He said he wasnt sure he wanted to do it again. She has always known this. 5 years she has been with him. No engagement ring and no children. But to his credit he told her. On her own head be it now. 2
h0000 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Does no one pay attention to the fact that she's jus 34 and divorced twice already?? Forget about kids, are you sure she can stay with you long term at all ??? 3
basil67 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Does no one pay attention to the fact that she's jus 34 and divorced twice already?? Forget about kids, are you sure she can stay with you long term at all ??? Good point.
ashy555 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 5 or 10 years??? shes 35. 5 years she'll be 40. 10 she'll be 45. Shes not superwoman. Having children is much harder by 40. You'll be lucky to get one. Don't do this too her. One of my biggest fears is missing out on having children. Let her go if you're not ready.
camillalev Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 I'm surprised everyone here is only focusing on her biological clock. Men also have a biological clock and around 40 and 40+ it's more difficult to cause a pregnancy and more likely to miscarry or result in Down syndrome, in addition to a slew of other problems. Men's reproductive systems age just as much as the rest of their body - there's nothing keeping it as young, fresh, and as well functioning as a 20 year olds. Agree with the rest of the posters in that you NEED to tell her if you're not ready. Let her move on to someone who is. 1
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