Snotty Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 i met a girl OLD a couple months ago. great first meeting. great first date, second date. after the third date, i deleted my OLD account. i wanted to see where it went with this one. i liked her, she seemed to like me. about a week after i deleted mine, she deleted hers. we talked about it. never said we were in a commited relationship, but all the sighns were there. she met my family, i met hers. pics of us on facebook, etc, etc, etc. last night, we were eating where we had our first date. then out of the blue, she said "you know we are not exclusive". this threw me. she never elaborated. on the way home, she said it again. she said "you know we are not exclusive, how does that make you feel" i then told her that she could do what she wanted. we went back to her place, and had sex. she seemed distant. then, she wanted me to stay, and i didn't. she got pouty because i didn't stay. after what she said, and the distant feeling, i didn't think it would have been a good idea on my part. this is the first time she has asked me to stay during the week.... she went to a birthday party yesterday. i thougt i kind of odd i was not invited, but that was ok. she only mentioned the party couple days ago. so..... i don't know if there was someone there, or it is my mind wandering telling me this. things were great up to this point. i mean, really great. this was what i thought was the start of a relationship. she also mentioned that she had several men texting her, asking her out all the time, and it stopped when she posted pics on fb about us. yes, i am develpoing feelings for her. she has reciprocated these feelings. i am going to talk to her tonight. i will not continue a "relationship" or whatever this is if after this long, and all the conversation we have had, that out of the blue she throws this at me. i just want some opinions, thoughts, whatever they may be. thank you all
HumanMachine Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Informs you that you two aren't exclusive just before her birthday party, which you aren't invited to? Move on ASAP. 2
PegNosePete Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Well it's pretty obvious she is seeing, and probably sleeping with, others. Are you OK with that? I certainly wouldn't be.
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Do you think it was a strange way of asking you if you want to be exclusive? I would just be honest, after all this time I think he have a right to ask. Tell her that you would like to know if she is dating anyone else. Tell her that you are not and that you would like to be exclusive. Her answer will tell you everything... 4
Toodaloo Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I am thinking that it may be her way of asking the question while trying to "stay cool". We women are not encouraged to chase men and asking the question "Are we exclusive?" could be seen as being clingy by those who do multi date... Speak to her and make both your intentions and expectations clear. 3
clia Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I think she brought it up because she wanted you to ask her to be exclusive. Like, hey dummy, we haven't had the exclusive talk yet. And then you apparently blew it off and indicated you were not interested in being exclusive when you told her she could do whatever she wanted. You doubled down on your disinterest when you refused to stay the night at her place. And you're surprised she got distant after that and didn't invite you to the party with her? 4
enddeck Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Buddy you were told twice that you are not exclusive.She has someone else lined up to take your place and wants to see if it works out.You are the stand by guy,plan b.
central Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 It seems very likely that she is seeing someone else, too, and perhaps having sex with them. She is informing you indirectly of this, IMO, by telling you that you're not exclusive - perhaps just for clarification so that you aren't making assumptions? Now, perhaps she would like to be, and wants you to ask? I'm not sure why she wouldn't ask you, if that's what she wants, so I would assume that is not what she wants right now. All you can do is discuss this issue explicitly, and see where you both stand, and what you both want and intend.
Garnetgirl89 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I think it's strange to assume anything malicious by this. To me it seems like she's trying to say that she wants to be exclusive but she's not great at communicating and doesn't want to seem pushy. Since you haven't asked her to be exclusive, I don't see a reason for her not to talk to other men. You haven't made it 100% clear what your intentions are and since she can't read your mind she chooses not to assume you're committed which is the smartest thing any woman can do. By saying that she can do whatever she wants, you pretty much said that you're not interested in being exclusive and that's why she's upset. She's asking you to define the relationship because she doesn't want to be strung along. 3
bachdude Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) This one is easy. By her saying, "You know, we are not exclusive" means, "I want you to be the MAN, take the lead, and bring up the issue". She was bringing up the topic and you said, "You can do whatever you want"! I think you dropped the ball, bro. The guys who think she is off cheating etc., have absolutely no clue. Edited August 4, 2016 by bachdude 5
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I am thinking that it may be her way of asking the question while trying to "stay cool". We women are not encouraged to chase men and asking the question "Are we exclusive?" could be seen as being clingy by those who do multi date... Speak to her and make both your intentions and expectations clear. I totally agree... Many women feel like they should avoid the "where is this going" talk so I wonder if it was an awkward attempt to know what you are thinking about the relationship. Just ask her. 3
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 This one is easy. By her saying, "You know, we are not exclusive" means, "I want you to be the MAN, take the lead, and bring up the issue". She was bringing up the topic and you said, "You can do whatever you want"! I think you dropped the ball, bro. The guys who think she is off cheating etc., have absolutely no clue. Absolutely. Don't throw this one away before you clarify what she said and what she wants. It's entirely possible that she is waiting for you to indicate that you are ready to define the relationship and be exclusive. And, when you said "do whatever" thinking that was probably what she wanted to hear, you very well may have given her the exact opposite impression of how you really felt. I don't know that I would have invited you to the party if you told me that either. Just ask her and let us know how it goes. Good luck!
Versacehottie Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Do you think it was a strange way of asking you if you want to be exclusive? I would just be honest, after all this time I think he have a right to ask. Tell her that you would like to know if she is dating anyone else. Tell her that you are not and that you would like to be exclusive. Her answer will tell you everything... I agree. I think it was a backwards way of getting you to ask her to be exclusive. It's seems like she has sense a reluctance in you to be open and direct and is scared of scaring you away. She is scared herself of just being direct. Now she is pulling back, punishing you because you didn't pick up on the exclusivity talk. It seems like you are insecure with the way you interpreted this event. At the moment, if she is not gonna make you pay, i think you will end up together if you have this talk. I think communication though is going to be a continued problem. Make sure you work on that. Good luck 1
menyou Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I definitely feel your biggest mistake was responding that she could do whatever she wanted after she said that. You basically confirmed to her that YOU are not exclusive with HER. 6
Versacehottie Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I definitely feel your biggest mistake was responding that she could do whatever she wanted after she said that. You basically confirmed to her that YOU are not exclusive with HER. I don't know if it was the biggest mistake but it was up there! That's why she is pulling back. She made the final attempt by asking OP to spend the night but then was probably dejected and pissed the next day. And then talked to her friends, lol, who told her to pull back and "do what she wants". "do what you want" is coming from the same guy who started this post and DOES want to be exclusive with her is the definition of someone who is afraid to be vulnerable. And is insecure. At the very least you (op) could have bounced it back to her and said: speaking of exclusivity, what do you want? with a half-smile and start the conversation. OK, OP good luck. Have the talk! 1
Toodaloo Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I definitely feel your biggest mistake was responding that she could do whatever she wanted after she said that. You basically confirmed to her that YOU are not exclusive with HER. I actually think they are BOTH making mistakes here. I think they are trying too hard to be cool and not put pressure on or appear to be needy. OP - there is NOTHING needy about saying "Hey - I thought about what you said the other day. Truth is I am only dating you, I have no intention of dating others while I am with you and if I am not the only guy in your life then actually, I want to end this because I want an exclusive relationship and I do not want to be sharing the woman I consider to be my girlfriend with other men, either under the guise of "multi dating" or cheating. So I guess you have a choice. Date me exclusively and tell all other romantic interests to go away. Or tell me now that you have other men in your life in which case I am walking away." In fact its pretty strong and masculine to be able to say that. It shows that you have respect for yourself and cuts to the chase. I think it is what you need to say. Don't get involved in chit chat etc just lay it on the table and tell her what you want and your expectations. 2
Author Snotty Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 I have told her for the past few weeks i did not want to see anyone but her. She has even asked, and i have told her she is the only one i want. That is why when she said we are not exclusive, it threw me. Yes, i do see how my response was not the best. I should have let her know again instead of trying to brush it off. We talked on the phone this morning. She said she did not reslize she told me twice. She also stated that when she feels her life is out of control she pushes people away. She apologized, and i told her she did not owe an apology for how she feels. She agreed, but still felt she had to apologize. I just want to do things right. I appreciate the comments. Even the ones who felt my response was wrong. It did open my eyes.
bachdude Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) I have told her for the past few weeks i did not want to see anyone but her. She has even asked, and i have told her she is the only one i want. That is why when she said we are not exclusive, it threw me. Yes, i do see how my response was not the best. I should have let her know again instead of trying to brush it off. We talked on the phone this morning. She said she did not reslize she told me twice. She also stated that when she feels her life is out of control she pushes people away. She apologized, and i told her she did not owe an apology for how she feels. She agreed, but still felt she had to apologize. I just want to do things right. I appreciate the comments. Even the ones who felt my response was wrong. It did open my eyes. Snotty! You have to give us clearer info here! You wrote, "never said we were in a commited relationship, but all the sighns were there. she met my family, i met hers. pics of us on facebook, etc, etc, etc." That totally changes the type of advice I would have given! But i'm glad you both have talked! Edited August 4, 2016 by bachdude
BikerAccnt Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 There are times when you need to be REALLY clear in your intentions. This would be one of those times. You shouldnt' say I have told her for the past few weeks i did not want to see anyone but her. Bur rather say " I am not seeing anyone but you and I have removed my dating profile. I would like for us to be exclusive" ...and she what she says. This way there is no wiggle room, no room for misinterpretation on either side. Actually, this is what I did just a little bit ago with the woman I started seeing last month, using pretty much those exact words. She loved it, said she had no intention of dating anyone else, and took her profiles down too. As someone else said, women still, even today, like men who take the lead. At the least, you'd know exactly where you stood by asking/stating it directly. 2
Aloha808808 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I would have to agree with everyone else in saying that it sounds like she’s looking for some reassurance as opposed to going out and cheating on you. Woman need to be told and shown that they are loved not just one time but over and over again, when we don’t get that reassurance we go fishing for it which it sounds like that’s what she was doing. This doesn’t mean that you’ve been doing a bad job at making her feel special, she may have just had a bad day at work or got into a fight with one of her best friends and may have been trying to approach you for some comfort to lift her spirits back up. If you’re serious about this girl, which it sounds like you are, you need to define the relationship and put boundaries on it for the both of you to stick within. For example if both of you know that you are boyfriend/girlfriend that type of relationship has different boundaries then one where you have just been going on casual dates for a couple of months.
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