gypsymess Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Hello, I am new to this website and am looking to be able to just get things off my chest and work through a tough time. My husband and I will be finalizing our divorce in a week from now. Though I know that I will be better off this way, it is still really hurting me right now. I met my husband in 2011 and we got along very well at first. Rarely did we argue about anything. At that time I also looked past a lot of irresponsible behavior that I should have seen as red flags. I was lonely and at that time he made me feel good about myself. We dated for 2 years and have been married for 3. In that time I have endured his lack of keeping employment, a drug habit for 2 years, being inappropriate with other women, a failure to be responsible with bills or house chores. I worked 3 jobs to support us for all of the marriage. He quit a high paying job that he was tired of and took a job barely paying above minimum wage. We had 5 kids between us, though we never had any together. He finally left me and filed for divorce last December. All the while still contacting me regularly and giving me false hope that we would work things out. Turns out he was seeing a couple of different women. He did not want the responsibility of a commitment to marriage, but he still wanted all of the benefits of it. I completely cut him off not too long ago. I can't bring myself to even look at him. I feel completely disgusted in the way that he has treated me and our family. He currently lives with his 78 year old grandmother and uses her car because he still refuses to get a better job in the field that he is qualified for and experienced in. His concern for his own happiness is more important than the fact that other people have to pick up his slack and causes a stress on their lives. Even though it is better that he is gone, there is still this sense of loss. It still hurts that this man that swore that he would always love me and be there for me has completely disregarded me and his promises to me like I hold no importance at all in his world. I want to be able to move on and heal, and I would love to find a man in the future to share my life with that had the same type goals and motivations as me. It's really hard when you have been burned to open your heart up to someone else like that again. If you read this far, thanks for reading.
Jeff1690 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 Well to me you sound like a responsible woman. You worked three jobs and maintained the home. My wife filed for divorce after 23 years and blindsided me. It can knock you off your feet for sure. I am not an expert on what to do after a divorce. I am sure I will be asking a lot of questions myself once I am on my own. I would say be glad you are rid of him. inappropriate behavior with other women sounds like he was messing around. Focus on keeping your kids happy and healthy, and yourself. You will find a good man who will respect you. Like I said I am not an expert on dealing with aftermath of divorce but there are plenty here who are 1
Marc878 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 He's a loser so in time you'll understand theres no loss here. 1
Lowrider93 Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Hi Gypsy, glad you stopped in. You have one thing to be thankful for, you didn't invest half your life or more with someone that in the end would have not been for you. One thing to take into consideration is most all relationships start out good, only after some time do they begin to breakdown. There are no guarantees with any relationships, so take it slow and be sure you know what your looking for.
SevenCity Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 The feeling of loss is normal. Actually, the more you did for someone and the less they did can hurt even more. The good news is once you get past this you'll eventually have that "Holy Chit!" moment where you finally get out of the fog and want to slap yourself in the forehead as if you should have had a V8. All the poor choices you put up with, and no longer have to, will make you so thankful it's over. It will take time - it's not easy to adjust from someone being there every day to not being there at all. Despite how bad they were. But it will happen.
planning4later Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I'm normally one to encourage a couple to exhaust every possibility to salvage their marriage, but I'm not sure what can be done here. At first I thought you were gonna say that YOU were the one leaving the marriage due to his problems. But he's the one leaving? I'm not sure what can be done. Let me just ask you a few questions: In all honesty, did he file for device because you drove him away? I've seen this happen quite a bit. A woman wants a divorce so she starts trying to drive the husband away so that he's the one who carries the guilt of leaving. Was that the case here or am I totally off base?
LancasterAmos1966 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Even though it is better that he is gone, there is still this sense of loss. It still hurts that this man that swore that he would always love me and be there for me has completely disregarded me and his promises to me like I hold no importance at all in his world. Gypsymess, I'm sorry that you needed to search out this forum; but you will find many others that have gone through this loss, and are once again standing tall. There is hope, but you'll need to work on letting go, and redefine your role in life. The loss you speak about is very normal. Whether you are married 2 hours or 20 years makes no difference. This was your husband, your Beloved Groom, you felt the warm fuzzies and had dreams of living happily ever after. You are the one on here looking for help, trying to overcome the loss you feel. What is he doing today?? I don't know what he is doing, but I seriously doubt he made an account on here looking for help on how to overcome his tears!! No way!! He is moving on to his next fun moment. The 2 year drug habit surely made an impact on his thinking and the way he remembers the history of events!! And once he is convinced of something, I doubt anyone is capable of changing his mind. It should have been YOU that left him, but no, he got something in his mind and there's not much hope of him thinking any differently about that. Please don't accept his statements that you are the fault for breaking up the marriage --- he is capable of making things up, and then believing his own stories. He is capable of forgetting about you the minute he walked out the door. That rejection really hurts, but you can overcome that rejection and stand tall once again. Be careful, because this rejection can mess with your mind. You'll wonder if he ever loved you at all --- of course he loved you --- but he could not love you for a lifetime. His love is from moment to moment, day to day. He can turn his love on and off. DO NOT be jealous of this. It's nothing to brag about being able to cut people off, stop loving them, and moving on as though you had no importance in his life. You were very patient with him, you tried to make sure he had a faithful wife that he could be proud of, and a safe environment to live in. But he threw it all away. He is not a monster, but he sure is not cut out for marriage to someone like you and long-term relationships. He will leave a trail of tears wherever he goes. Google the 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance.....your goal really should be to Accept this loss, then move on. It will take some time and you will most likely go back and forth in the stages --- sort of like 2 steps forward, 1 step backward. Wishing you well.
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