neowulf Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Ok, so in the interests of getting another point of view on this, I thought I'd put it to the community. My partner and I got into an argument about living arrangements, going into the future. We've only been dating about 6 months. She presently lives with her 15 year old son and a long term room mate in a two story house. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment on my own. I pointed out this morning that I'd had a few bad moves in the past and been left stranded, when relationships went sour. I said that going forward, I'd expect that we'd *both* go out together and find a suitable place to move into, taking equal risk and making a fresh start of it. This did not go down well with my partner. At all. She insists that I'm taking far less of a risk than she is. That I should be the one to move in with her and her son. That if I wasn't willing to be the one risk the move, then clearly the relationship didn't matter enough to me. I think she's being pretty unfair about the whole thing, but I wanted to get people's thoughts on it? Am I being unfair?
Gloria25 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 My opinion? Don't move in with someone until you're married. Don't even bring up moving in - until you're married. I just got broken up with over that. Moving in with someone w/o marriage creates complications and expectations that don't necessarily mix. And, as you see, trying to talk it out doesn't help cuz everyone made up their mind about what they think how it should go and/or what they think your expectations were. 1
Author neowulf Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 My opinion? Don't move in with someone until you're married. Don't even bring up moving in - until you're married. I just got broken up with over that. Moving in with someone w/o marriage creates complications and expectations that don't necessarily mix. And, as you see, trying to talk it out doesn't help cuz everyone made up their mind about what they think how it should go and/or what they think your expectations were. Yes, I think I kind of stumbled into a mine field with this one. It just kind of came up and I wasn't expecting it to turn into World War 3... Apparently I was mistaken.
TunaCat Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 My opinion? Slow the heck down. You've only been dating 6 months. You guys are probably still on your best behavior. It's way, way too early to move in together. For what it's worth, I think she's right about who should do the moving. I was 13 when my mom remarried and I had to move from the area I loved, and near the friends I loved. You should be the one to do the moving. Uprooting a teenager may cause more issues. 6
basil67 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Was it WW3 or just a disagreement? Anyway, I agree that she should not uproot her child. He's at an age where he really needs stability - esp with school and friends. Solution to me would be to move in to her place and rent out your place. 3
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 My initial thought is that she may have worded it a little harshly, but her reasoning isn't totally out of whack. She obviously has more to lose than you do by moving out of her place and finding somewhere new: if the relationship went south, it would be more difficult for her to find suitable/affordable arrangement for 2 (not facturing in the upheaval that is rearranging the life of a full blown teenager to shack up with mum's new guy - no offence to you but a taster of potential things to come). You, on the other hand, could up and go. She may need more time/reassurance that you're not the type to leave at random (6 months is still really super early days) and that you at least have given thought to her situation and have thought it through, as opposed to presenting it as a ready-made decision you won't budge on. 1
Author neowulf Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 Was it WW3 or just a disagreement? Anyway, I agree that she should not uproot her child. He's at an age where he really needs stability - esp with school and friends. Solution to me would be to move in to her place and rent out your place. Both of us are currently renting. If I move out from my place, it's gone for good. I suppose part of me resents having to be the one to upend his life. Again. Move into a place I'm not really all that keen on. Again. And get kicked to the curve if it doesn't work out. Again. The kid is 15 and us moving wouldn't mean him giving up his friends or even having to change schools. I'm not expecting her to completely uproot their life. I just want to feel like we've both got some skin in the game, instead of being the one left homeless if it all falls apart.
Author neowulf Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 My initial thought is that she may have worded it a little harshly, but her reasoning isn't totally out of whack. She obviously has more to lose than you do by moving out of her place and finding somewhere new: if the relationship went south, it would be more difficult for her to find suitable/affordable arrangement for 2 (not facturing in the upheaval that is rearranging the life of a full blown teenager to shack up with mum's new guy - no offence to you but a taster of potential things to come). You, on the other hand, could up and go. She may need more time/reassurance that you're not the type to leave at random (6 months is still really super early days) and that you at least have given thought to her situation and have thought it through, as opposed to presenting it as a ready-made decision you won't budge on. You make some good points. I've been burnt in the past and I guess that's colouring my views on the situation. I can understand how it's a bigger deal for her to try and relocate her and her son. It is super early to be worried about this, but at almost 38 years old, I'm running out of patience for this kind of thing. I suppose there's an internal pressure to try and figure out where you stand.
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 You make some good points. I've been burnt in the past and I guess that's colouring my views on the situation. I can understand how it's a bigger deal for her to try and relocate her and her son. It is super early to be worried about this, but at almost 38 years old, I'm running out of patience for this kind of thing. I suppose there's an internal pressure to try and figure out where you stand. That's totally understandable, and probably a good sign that you are trying not to repeat past mistakes. If the relationship is worth it, you'll no doubt both find a way that works for everyone.
aileD Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 She's the one with the child. She wins. You can't ask her to uproot her child from their home for the sake of you feeling more comfortable. 1
Author neowulf Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 She's the one with the child. She wins. You can't ask her to uproot her child from their home for the sake of you feeling more comfortable. So my needs don't even warrant consideration? He's 15, not 3. Is that really what's expected of a man dating a single mother? To just selflessly put aside his own needs, with zero compromise? That seems like a pretty crummy deal if I'm being honest. I do my best to be fair minded, but having my own needs completely dismissed feels frankly wrong.
SpiralOut Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I can understand her point of view, but the way she expressed it seems rather harsh. She should be able to at least understand where you are coming from, even if she disagrees with it. Her dismissive attitude is the real issue. It's still early in the relationship, so you could always wait a while and bring up the subject later and see how she reacts to it then. Or if it seems like too much hassle, try dating someone else. 2
PegNosePete Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) Both of us are currently renting. Then the solution seems simple. If either of you owned your places then it would be a different story entirely. You move in with her, and you get put onto the lease. If the relationship doesn't work out then you both have the right to live there until the lease expires, or if it's a periodic tenancy, for the notice period. You (or her, or both) will then have plenty of time to find elsewhere. You'll both be in equal situations, whereas if you just move in with her, as you say you'll be in a very vulnerable position should things go wrong in the relationship. The way she phrased it does seem very harsh and bordering on emotional blackmail. "If you love me then you'll do X"..... NOT a good method of conflict resolution. Edited August 4, 2016 by PegNosePete 1
Cherryz Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I agree with the first comment. And its the best comment. Because living together is made for married people. And while you not married and try to live together with every person you think may be it, you will have to go true that much more times. Because living together kind of stand for" if it not workout i can easily leave". And the risk you think you are taking is not worth taking on every person you inlove with. Its to early also for you to know who this person really is. Maybe tomorrow she turn out to be hell and there you are up to the next person and taking same risk again. Take time to know her, and its ok to talk about your future plans for when you gonna marry her. And while doing this stuff you both can see if this is a match or time to move on. But dont try to rush anything. And be honest and accept the reality! 2
Cherryz Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Ps: I think when it comes to marriage, both will be more willing to do what is needed to be together in one home. While not married both shore are looking out for themselves. Because nothing is sure. There is no commitment! Beside living together without marriage is kind of made for that. "For people not being sure about each other or to see if the other is worth it.". And it often ends up in no marriage at the end. 2
PegNosePete Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) living together is made for married people Actually marriage was invented to provide a clear line of succession for the king, who was probably having sex with many different women. Marriage was invented as a way of saying "the children of this woman will be heirs to the throne and the children of the others will be called b'stards and not entitled to a penny". Living together was around wayyy before marriage. living together kind of stand for" if it not workout i can easily leave". Have you not read these forums? Half the threads begin "my husband/wife walked out on me". One can very easily leave whether married or not. Maybe tomorrow she turn out to be hell and there you are up to the next person and taking same risk again. The same can be said whether you are married or not. Being married has no relation to whether someone will turn out to be hell tomorrow. While not married both shore are looking out for themselves. Because nothing is sure. There is no commitment! Rubbish. Plenty of people are totally committed to each other without being married. Commitment is a state of mind, not a piece of paper. As often seen on these forums, being married does not stop someone cheating, leaving, flirting with others, having affairs, etc etc... if they are that kind of person then they will do that whether they are married or not. I would never get married to someone without having lived with them first. Otherwise you might be in for a very nasty shock when you do move in together, and discover their habits, the way they live, etc. No matter how much time you spend at each other's places, there will always be things they don't show you, like the dirty dishes they leave in the sink for weeks but tidy up when you're over, etc. Better to find out what it's really like to live with someone, before marrying them! Edited August 4, 2016 by PegNosePete 5
Author neowulf Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 I came for solid advice, and once again, the community delivers. Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts and advice. It really helps. 2
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Nothing is guaranteed if the fates decide you are going to be left stranded then you will be left stranded whatever your living arrangements. I think it was just the two of you then moving in together would not be a big deal at 6 months, it works out or it doesn't, but with a child and a long term flatmate involved, it all gets messy and there are other people to consider here. Some people never even introduce their kids to their new bf/gf until at least 6 months, so moving in together so soon is a huge step and no doubt it will not be completely plain sailing. I guess her long term flat mate is a means to pay her bills, so unravelling that, may mean she is left in financial difficulty if it doesn't work out well with you. SHE does have a lot more to lose here - the potential mental stability of her teenage son and a source of revenue too. He may be 15, but he is still a kid and worse still a teenager, so he may go off the rails if his world is disrupted too much. Bad enough "Mom's new bf is coming to stay", without "Mom's new bf is coming to stay AND we have to move house too..." 2
BluEyeL Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I just think it's way too early to be moving in together or even fighting about it. When will be time to move in together her kid will be 18 or almost . So I'm with those who suggested to slow down . In my own relationship a lot has changed between what we were planning at 6 months versus now after more than 2 years. I have a similar situation with a teenage son and next year when we get married (after 3 years) the husband will move in with us and after son is 18 and going to college I move out of here and into husbands house permanently. So first slow down and second there will be solutions on the longer term. 4
OpenBook Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I can understand her point of view, but the way she expressed it seems rather harsh. She should be able to at least understand where you are coming from, even if she disagrees with it. Her dismissive attitude is the real issue. ^^This. SpiralOut nailed it. She insists that I'm taking far less of a risk than she is. That I should be the one to move in with her and her son. That if I wasn't willing to be the one risk the move, then clearly the relationship didn't matter enough to me. I think she's being pretty unfair about the whole thing, but I wanted to get people's thoughts on it? Am I being unfair? SHE is being unfair with those comments. She has every right to put her foot down about HER moving on behalf of her son. But she has no right to give you grief or try to dictate YOUR move. If I were in your shoes, I would gently shut down any discussion of anyone moving anywhere for now, and just enjoy your relationship from your respective home-caves. There's no other pressures bearing down on either of you to change your living arrangements, right? (other than it being the next step in the evolution of your relationship?) 1
kgcolonel Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 So my needs don't even warrant consideration? He's 15, not 3. Is that really what's expected of a man dating a single mother? To just selflessly put aside his own needs, with zero compromise? That seems like a pretty crummy deal if I'm being honest. I do my best to be fair minded, but having my own needs completely dismissed feels frankly wrong. Neo, here's the deal.....today, you're just the BF....her son will always be her son. He will only have one mother...therefore you are correct to some extent, his needs trump yours. This is the biggest challenge in blended / previously broken families with new adult additions. What will you do if her son gets into something of yours that you have a big issue with and she doesn't respond the way you think she should????? You aren't and never will be his dad and therefore will have very little authority under the same roof where they both reside. To get back to the very specific question, you are wrong here but....my suggestion to mend the fence would be..."I am here to stay, I love you and am long term. I value your family unit and think your son deserves to have the stability that you are currently providing. I am all for more cohabitation time with you but I would want to wait until it will not disrupt your son's life. Lets stay on our current path and when he moves out, let's decide what we want to do then. " 5
Bialy Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I apologize if you mentioned this in an earlier post, but when is your lease up and when is her lease up? Unless you've known her for many years prior to dating, I'd give it a full year before you contemplate moving in together.
Els Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I agree that the person without the kid is best placed to move. That being said... 6 months is way too early to move in together IMO, especially if there is a kid involved. I am quite concerned that a move is being brought up that early, it can't possibly be good for the kid to be moving in with their mum's boyfriend at such an early stage. Also, assuming the appropriate time has passed before the move happens, I'm curious why you are so against moving or 'being left out in the cold' when you are renting. I don't know about rental laws where you live, but where I live a landlord or rental agency can essentially terminate a lease anytime with 3 months' notice. So renting is never a 'stable' thing, you can never truly be sure that you'll be living in the same place a year or even 6 months from now. 4
PegNosePete Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I don't know about rental laws where you live, but where I live a landlord or rental agency can essentially terminate a lease anytime with 3 months' notice. Where I live, someone who is shacked up in someone else's rental place, can be kicked out with 0 months notice. 3 months (or even 1 month) notice is a heck of a lot more stability than 0!
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