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On not being chosen and "somebody that I used to know"

erica505

By erica505
in Coping

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erica505 New Member

erica505

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I have never posted to any sort of forum before, but my friends are sick of listening to me, and it's late, and I just want to write something anonymously that someone else might read. I don't know why. I guess it doesn't matter. Also, fair warning: this might be long. Is that poor forum etiquette? Forgive the newcomer.

 

But here's what I'm thinking about... First, I was reading this book called "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart." It's great, highly recommend it, and it touches on a few points that really resonate with me. One is this idea of not being chosen. I chose him, and he didn't choose me back. Or he did, but not in the same way. And then he left. I think that might be the most painful part - choosing someone who doesn't choose you back. Saying, "You. You're it. I'll do what you ask me and more because it makes me happy to make you happy," and they say, "thanks, but no thanks." I wasn't worth it, or I wasn't enough, or maybe I just wasn't right, not in a bad way but in a fit way. Like, it's not that he didn't like the sweater, just that the sleeves were too short. Or something.

 

And the other thing I've been thinking about is the line from that Gotye song: "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." This is my third really tough break-up. With the first two, I felt like I had entered some alternate state of being; I was in so much pain I couldn't think straight. I knew I'd never get over it. And then I did. That was years ago, and when I think about those guys -- those guys that I loved more than I ever thought I could love anyone -- when I think about them now and see their Facebook pictures on vacations with other girls and wives and children, I sort of think, meh. I got over them. It seemed impossible, and it took YEARS, but now they're just people that I used to know. And on the one hand, that's heartening: Yes! I can move on even when I think I'll never find love like that. I can get over him, I can not be in pain, I can love someone else even more! And I can love over and over again - there's no limit to the number of times we can fall in love.

 

But on the other hand, how sad. How sad that we can make such a deep, important connection, tend it for years, get to know someone so well we can close our eyes and literally remember every inch of their body, every freckle and angle, every scar and tattoo, and then... meh. He's just someone I used to know. Where does that love GO?

 

I was talking to someone about it today, and she said something like, "yeah, we have chemicals and hormones for someone for a while, and then those chemicals run out." I like how science-y that is in a way. Somehow it makes things less emotional, more logical, systematic. I guess we are just neurons firing and receptors and chemistry.

 

Jeez. I'm certain that I've more than used up my space. I'm sorry if I did this forum thing wrong. I'm just so sad. He didn't choose me back. And even though I know I'll get over it - that eventually, he'll be just someone that I used to know - I miss him so much tonight.

  • Like 10
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted

Well said. fwiw. :)

SixxChick Established Member

SixxChick

Posted
Posted

VERY well said. Bravo!

gorf Established Member

gorf

Posted
Posted

But on the other hand, how sad. How sad that we can make such a deep, important connection, tend it for years, get to know someone so well we can close our eyes and literally remember every inch of their body, every freckle and angle, every scar and tattoo, and then... meh. He's just someone I used to know. Where does that love GO?

 

I was talking to someone about it today, and she said something like, "yeah, we have chemicals and hormones for someone for a while, and then those chemicals run out."

 

I dont believe in the chemicals and horomones controlling love. They might give you the spike and motivation to initiate contact and have courage during the first few weeks or whatever, but to your first paragraph I quoted: Its more than just knowing their inns and outs, and being able to let it go. Love is commitment and care for another, and not letting it go. So even if the mushy feelings or chemicals, whatever you want to call it, arent there full blast, you can still love and care for them

  • Like 1
winny Established Member

winny

Posted
Posted

I feel the same when I see guys who I have loved in past... like crazy... and now nothing... one of them sent me a friends request on FB last week... 8 years back I was dying to be with him and don't remember how many times I cried for him and now I just ignored the friends request... no feeling at all .. ! :cool:

  • Like 1
tinkerbell16 Established Member

tinkerbell16

Posted
Posted
I have never posted to any sort of forum before, but my friends are sick of listening to me, and it's late, and I just want to write something anonymously that someone else might read. I don't know why. I guess it doesn't matter. Also, fair warning: this might be long. Is that poor forum etiquette? Forgive the newcomer.

 

But here's what I'm thinking about... First, I was reading this book called "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart." It's great, highly recommend it, and it touches on a few points that really resonate with me. One is this idea of not being chosen. I chose him, and he didn't choose me back. Or he did, but not in the same way. And then he left. I think that might be the most painful part - choosing someone who doesn't choose you back. Saying, "You. You're it. I'll do what you ask me and more because it makes me happy to make you happy," and they say, "thanks, but no thanks." I wasn't worth it, or I wasn't enough, or maybe I just wasn't right, not in a bad way but in a fit way. Like, it's not that he didn't like the sweater, just that the sleeves were too short. Or something.

 

And the other thing I've been thinking about is the line from that Gotye song: "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." This is my third really tough break-up. With the first two, I felt like I had entered some alternate state of being; I was in so much pain I couldn't think straight. I knew I'd never get over it. And then I did. That was years ago, and when I think about those guys -- those guys that I loved more than I ever thought I could love anyone -- when I think about them now and see their Facebook pictures on vacations with other girls and wives and children, I sort of think, meh. I got over them. It seemed impossible, and it took YEARS, but now they're just people that I used to know. And on the one hand, that's heartening: Yes! I can move on even when I think I'll never find love like that. I can get over him, I can not be in pain, I can love someone else even more! And I can love over and over again - there's no limit to the number of times we can fall in love.

 

But on the other hand, how sad. How sad that we can make such a deep, important connection, tend it for years, get to know someone so well we can close our eyes and literally remember every inch of their body, every freckle and angle, every scar and tattoo, and then... meh. He's just someone I used to know. Where does that love GO?

 

I was talking to someone about it today, and she said something like, "yeah, we have chemicals and hormones for someone for a while, and then those chemicals run out." I like how science-y that is in a way. Somehow it makes things less emotional, more logical, systematic. I guess we are just neurons firing and receptors and chemistry.

 

Jeez. I'm certain that I've more than used up my space. I'm sorry if I did this forum thing wrong. I'm just so sad. He didn't choose me back. And even though I know I'll get over it - that eventually, he'll be just someone that I used to know - I miss him so much tonight.

 

I believe if you truly love someone it never goes away. They always hold a place in your heart that no new person can take over that place. Like sacred territory. Even after pain and disappointment, they love still remains.

 

I ponder this myself. Sometimed wishing I could purge the love. Make my heart a clean slate. A naive slate.

  • Like 1
sorano Established Member

sorano

Posted
Posted

Hit the nail on the head. The fact that we were not chosen, its very very painful. I wasn't chosen. I come from a good family, Im a good looking guy, make money, have morals, values, but, it didn't matter. I thought I had an edge or an ace in my pocket but, nope. Just lied to and used.

 

Honestly, after my second relapse which happened last week, my mind and body is finally exhausted. The chemicals in my brain are done. I honestly don't even feel like talking to women, go out on dates, none of that stuff. I finally stopped looking and I feel better. I feel way better. I am just going to ride out this feeling and honestly think? I am really done with dating and finding someone. Its over and I feel really happy about it.

  • Like 2
bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

Posted
Posted

One day the right guy will come along when you least expect it and he'll choose you, love and take care of you.

 

We all have had our share of heartbreaks and it's tough to get over. It's not that you aren't good enough so get that notion out of your head. It's just that both have to feel the same way and if one doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. Better to find out now then down the road when you have a lot invested. Good luck to you and chin up. Better days are ahead.

  • Like 3
tinkerbell16 Established Member

tinkerbell16

Posted
Posted
Hit the nail on the head. The fact that we were not chosen, its very very painful. I wasn't chosen. I come from a good family, Im a good looking guy, make money, have morals, values, but, it didn't matter. I thought I had an edge or an ace in my pocket but, nope. Just lied to and used.

 

Honestly, after my second relapse which happened last week, my mind and body is finally exhausted. The chemicals in my brain are done. I honestly don't even feel like talking to women, go out on dates, none of that stuff. I finally stopped looking and I feel better. I feel way better. I am just going to ride out this feeling and honestly think? I am really done with dating and finding someone. Its over and I feel really happy about it.

 

Ironically they say that is exactly when you meet someone... "the" one... when you stop looking :)

sorano Established Member

sorano

Posted
Posted
Ironically they say that is exactly when you meet someone... "the" one... when you stop looking :)

 

yea I heard that saying too. Unfortunately, that never happened to me either lol. some of us are just meant to be alone. Its a tough pill to swallow. But I will stick to my guns. I am officially done with dating, relationships, marriage, family, all of that. Its over. I am content on being alone. Im comfortable alone.

gypsymess Member

gypsymess

Posted
Posted

I can relate to this so much. I was unchosen too. I have tried to figure out at what point did I become someone he married to someone he wasn't interested in anymore. It hurts. I have been hurt before and I know that I will get over it eventually. I wish eventually would hurry though.

Beautywithin Member

Beautywithin

Posted
Posted

I'm just so sad. He didn't choose me back. And even though I know I'll get over it - that eventually, he'll be just someone that I used to know - I miss him so much tonight.

 

Cried so much reading them last lines... i can so relate and it hurts so much,

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