Elaineh Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) Hi there, Im very confused and not in a very good place emotionally. I had been seeing a man for the last 6 months, and the relationship has been very on and off. We were sort of friends before and then we got together, he is 34 and Im 38, and he was not a very reliable boyfriend. He never called really and was happy to meet up once a week, saying that he likes his solitude and doesnt need to see me that often. He is a very closed person emotionally and we argue a fair amount. He is not very used to relationships, always saying he would prefer to be single. He's never had a long term relationship before.. However after the first few months things got better and he began to open up more and tell me that he did reaaly want to try and make things work. He has had a fair bit of family trauma, although no more than myself. If anything less. Then when things were going better I fell pregnant and we both kind of spiralled, not knowing what to do. His initial response was to cry. He had told me previously that he'd always wanted to be a father. So I was suprised when initially he said I couldnt expect anything from him. Then hecp changed hus mind and he was in favour of helping. Then we argued again and he said that I wouldnt be able to count on him after all. So I told him it would be better to abort. I have no family and recently moved to town so not tge best support network. The abortion is set for a week from now. Since that conversation about aborting, he has not really wanted to see me, except twice. Both times when I asked him to visit. Both times we argued and it ends in intimacy. But then he ignores me if I see him in the street, he is polite and friendly but shows no interest past common courtesy and zero interest in the pregnancy. As the abortion date gets nearer I get less sure about having one. I know that if I dId have a child I would probably be doing it on my own. I cant help thinking though, that there may be a good reason why this man is not acting as I would like and with time things will sort themselves out. I find it so hard to believe that a man would think that it is ok to have casual sex with a woman pregnant with his child. That maybe he has communication issues and this intimacy is his way of showing some commitment. I dont know, I certainly dont get anywhere talking to him about things. Anyway, any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Edited August 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6
DramaInPajamas Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 He is the least of your worries. Forget him. What do you want? Do you want to be a mother? Do you want to keep the baby and do it on your own. At 38 could this be one of the only chances you get for motherhood and may you regret an abortion? Focus on what you want. If you are not sure, reconsider. Whether you keep the child or not I doubt you will be in a stable relationship with this man. I dont think he will stay with you if you have an abortion. 9
h0000 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 If having children is important to you and you are financially secure, then you can have the babe and bring him/her up by yourself . I don't know if he will come around,no one knows. Even he doesn't know himself. But I wouldn't count on him
Bialy Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I agree with the above post: what do YOU want? You are 38. Do you want to be a mother? This might be an unexpectedly good thing if you have always wanted to enter that phase of life. Ultimately, whether the relationship works or not, you have an opportunity here. It might not be perfect - but what is? If you want to keep it, sit down with him. Discuss what it is you're looking for - NOT in terms of a relationship, but what you need from him as a soon-to-be-father. How does he view his involvement going forward? Do you want him involved?
Redhead14 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Hi there, Im very confused and not in a very good place emotionally. I had been seeing a man for the last 6 months, and the relationship has been very on and off. We were sort of friends before and then we got together, he is 34 and Im 38, and he was not a very reliable boyfriend. He never called really and was happy to meet up once a week, saying that he likes his solitude and doesnt need to see me that often. He is a very closed person emotionally and we argue a fair amount. He is not very used to relationships, always saying he would prefer to be single. He's never had a long term relationship before.. However after the first few months things got better and he began to open up more and tell me that he did reaaly want to try and make things work. He has had a fair bit of family trauma, although no more than myself. If anything less. Then when things were going better I fell pregnant and we both kind of spiralled, not knowing what to do. His initial response was to cry. He had told me previously that he'd always wanted to be a father. So I was suprised when initially he said I couldnt expect anything from him. Then hecp changed hus mind and he was in favour of helping. Then we argued again and he said that I wouldnt be able to count on him after all. So I told him it would be better to abort. I have no family and recently moved to town so not tge best support network. The abortion is set for a week from now. Since that conversation about aborting, he has not really wanted to see me, except twice. Both times when I asked him to visit. Both times we argued and it ends in intimacy. But then he ignores me if I see him in the street, he is polite and friendly but shows no interest past common courtesy and zero interest in the pregnancy. As the abortion date gets nearer I get less sure about having one. I know that if I dId have a child I would probably be doing it on my own. I cant help thinking though, that there may be a good reason why this man is not acting as I would like and with time things will sort themselves out. I find it so hard to believe that a man would think that it is ok to have casual sex with a woman pregnant with his child. That maybe he has communication issues and this intimacy is his way of showing some commitment. I dont know, I certainly dont get anywhere talking to him about things. Anyway, any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I find it so hard to believe that a man would think that it is ok to have casual sex with a woman pregnant with his child -- The two of you have been having casual sex and it's been that way since the beginning. Nothing has changed except you are pregnant. Everything at the beginning was saying this was going nowhere -- the relationship has been very on and off he was not a very reliable boyfriend He never called really and was happy to meet up once a week he likes his solitude He is a very closed person He's never had a long term relationship before.. His initial response was to cry he'd always wanted to be a father -- Just because he wanted to be a father doesn't mean he wants one at this time or with you. That maybe he has communication issues and this intimacy is his way of showing some commitment -- He doesn't have communication issues, he has intimacy issues . . . sex is never an indicator of commitment EVER. I dont know, I certainly don't get anywhere talking to him about things/B] -- He probably feels there isn't anything to talk about because he was pretty upfront from the beginning. I cant help thinking though, that there may be a good reason why this man is not acting as I would like -- Yes, there is a good reason, he doesn't want to be a father right now or with a virtual stranger. Dating for six months seeing each other once a week with little to no communication in between does not a relationship make. I may seem to be harsh here, but you need to get your mind around the fact that this man is not going to step up to the plate nor would he be a good father given his attitude and lifestyle desires. with time things will sort themselves out -- Things will not sort themselves out, you will need to sort things out for yourself. As the abortion date gets nearer I get less sure about having one -- If you are holding on to any hope at all that having this baby will bring you two together and fill a fantasy for a family, you are setting yourself up for serious disappointment. Be brave and strong, make your decision with a clear mind and heart. Focus on you and your needs and make the decision that best suits you and nobody else. Abortion is a very personal choice. You and you alone, have two choices, have the abortion and move forward with your life having learned something from this experience or prepare yourself for single-parenthood and be in a position to provide a good, solid, secure home and mother for the baby. 4
basil67 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 To be honest, his behaviour sounds like he's seen you as little more than a FWB while you've been together. The adjective 'boyfriend' is a bit of a stretch. Assume he won't be there for you. Then decide what YOU want to do. 6
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Same advice. I don't think you can count on him to stay around and I'm not really sure why you would want him to stay around... He does not treat you well and without even knowing you, I can say with certainty that you deserve better than what he has given you. You need to decide what you want to do. If you want to have a baby and you can support a baby - emotionally, financially - then you have that option. If not, you have other options to consider. There is no right answer, you need to make the decision that you feel is best for you and your child. I'm so sorry that you are in a difficult position. I wish you all the best. Take care.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Well you can count on him to pay child support because goverment will make him. Beyond that, I don't see why you want him involved at all. This is probably your last chance to be a mother. The guy is irrelevant, they come and go, there is always someone new around the corner. He is not "the one", it doesn't sound like either of you is "in love" so even if he stepped up to the plate and married you (which is extremely unlikely), the relationship would be miserable. Make your decision without considering what he wants at all.
KamaKyzie Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Well you can count on him to pay child support because goverment will make him. Beyond that, I don't see why you want him involved at all. This is probably your last chance to be a mother. The guy is irrelevant, they come and go, there is always someone new around the corner. He is not "the one", it doesn't sound like either of you is "in love" so even if he stepped up to the plate and married you (which is extremely unlikely), the relationship would be miserable. Make your decision without considering what he wants at all. Most guys don't want someone else's brat (I wouldn't) and would rather have their own kids. This will without a doubt impact your future relationships. A kid is a dealbreaker for a lot of guys and most won't want to commit long term because of it. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just trying to offer helpful advice and a male perspective. It almost always ends up being a point of conflict. 3
h0000 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Most guys don't want someone else's brat (I wouldn't) and would rather have their own kids. This will without a doubt impact your future relationships. A kid is a dealbreaker for a lot of guys and most won't want to commit long term because of it. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just trying to offer helpful advice and a male perspective. It almost always ends up being a point of conflict. She is 38 and if she finds another guy he is likely to be 40 something and likely to already has his kids (maybe from previous marriage) so I don't think it will definitely be an issue 5
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Most guys don't want someone else's brat (I wouldn't) and would rather have their own kids. This will without a doubt impact your future relationships. A kid is a dealbreaker for a lot of guys and most won't want to commit long term because of it. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just trying to offer helpful advice and a male perspective. It almost always ends up being a point of conflict. This is only true for men in their 20s and early 30s. I am close to OP's age and most men I meet have children. In fact, I get the feeling that they would prefer if I had one so that we can connect better. Regardless of that, this may be OP's last chance to be a mother....She has the rest of her life to meet the right guy and have relationships.
KamaKyzie Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 She is 38 and if she finds another guy he is likely to be 40 something and likely to already has his kids (maybe from previous marriage) so I don't think it will definitely be an issue For the kids it is. Most kids hate stepsiblings.
Ami1uwant Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Most guys don't want someone else's brat (I wouldn't) and would rather have their own kids. This will without a doubt impact your future relationships. A kid is a dealbreaker for a lot of guys and most won't want to commit long term because of it. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just trying to offer helpful advice and a male perspective. It almost always ends up being a point of conflict. That isn't true. Sure someone younger in their 20s isn't interested as much in another kid echo had a father. When you are in your mid 30s if you have been married before they may have had kids themselves. If they are dating someone there is a likelihood they have had kids before. Step kids in a relationship isn't an issue. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 OP, are you sure you're the only woman in his life? He sounds like he already has a girlfriend or could be married. Where did you meet him? If you want the baby, believe him when he says to expect nothing from him. He won't be a father figure. 1
longjohn Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 He's an undeniable POS you really should have chosen better but that isn't the point anymore. The facts are you have another person growing inside of you and should decide what's best for the baby and yourself. Yes you should take him to court if need be so he pays his fair share. It isn't fair that you cover all the costs. You both engaged in unprotected sex and this is the outcome both of you are stuck with. I'll make no apologies in saying murder (abortion) should never be an option as a matter of convenience. At 38yr as some have mentioned this could well be your only shot at being a parent.
xxoo Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Echoing others, you need to decide what you want. He should not be a factor. Assume him to be out of the equation. If you want to be mother, I'd strongly encourage you to have your baby. 2
O'Malley Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Discussing your feelings with a counselor at a clinic that is supportive of all options might be a good idea. Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of rest and avoid feeling pressured to make a decision based on age or the expectations of others, including this guy. There's no wrong decision in regards to the pregnancy, only the decision that is best for your well being.
Author Elaineh Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 Everything that everyone has said makes complete sense. This guy is not reliable, is exceptionally selfish. I see that, its just Im not used to this type of relationship. My friends mostly suggest abortion as they think this man will cause me many difficulties. And I think they're right. By the way he is definately not married He was brought up in a religious sect that he has partially left, but because of his mother has not left completely. But he has many problems because of this and I know if I had a child he would turn up every few months and expect access. And yes everyone is right. This is about me and what I want. His family has mental illness. Two brothers- one with bi polar and another with schizophrenia.That worries me for a future child. Amyway yes I have a lot to think about and Im so grateful for people"s responses. Also for the harsh words. These things are true. Friends wont say them as they dont want to hurt your feelings. Sp thanks.
GunslingerRoland Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 He's told you on multiple occasions that you won't be able to count on him as a father, and he's proven that you can't count on him as a boyfriend. Expecting this to magically change isn't realistic. He's flakey and will probably always be. Sure he may be around for the first little bit, but I don't see it lasting. You have to decide what you are comfortable with as far as the baby goes. Assume you will be a single mom. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have the baby, lots of single moms are highly successful in their lives.
Redhead14 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Everything that everyone has said makes complete sense. This guy is not reliable, is exceptionally selfish. I see that, its just Im not used to this type of relationship. My friends mostly suggest abortion as they think this man will cause me many difficulties. And I think they're right. By the way he is definately not married He was brought up in a religious sect that he has partially left, but because of his mother has not left completely. But he has many problems because of this and I know if I had a child he would turn up every few months and expect access. And yes everyone is right. This is about me and what I want. His family has mental illness. Two brothers- one with bi polar and another with schizophrenia.That worries me for a future child. Amyway yes I have a lot to think about and Im so grateful for people"s responses. Also for the harsh words. These things are true. Friends wont say them as they dont want to hurt your feelings. Sp thanks. Im not used to this type of relationship. -- Elaine, some of my harsh words were mostly about your future in terms of having a relationship and pointing out the "flags" about this guy that you could have identified early and not be in this position. I wish you only the best for your future and whatever you decide with this situation.
stillafool Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I find it so hard to believe that a man would think that it is ok to have casual sex with a woman pregnant with his child. That maybe he has communication issues and this intimacy is his way of showing some commitment. Don't be the woman to let him have sex with you while pregnant. He is not showing commitment he is just meeting his needs. He may have said he wants kids one day but did he tell you he wanted them with you? If you do have the baby just know you will more than likely be on your own.
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Don't be the woman to let him have sex with you while pregnant. He is not showing commitment he is just meeting his needs. I totally agree. He hasn't earned the right. He hasn't been a good boyfriend to you. As hard as it is, you need to make your own way now. I hope in the future, you will meet someone who will treat you better. And, I hope you have learned that you need to have the self-confidence and self-esteem to require more from the men in your life and chose better. Take care.
VeveCakes Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Um sorry people but it's not about whether she wants to be a mother. It's about whether this is a fair situation to bring a child into this world and its not. I don't care if it's someone's last hope. This is no family to raise a child.
DramaInPajamas Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) Um sorry people but it's not about whether she wants to be a mother. It's about whether this is a fair situation to bring a child into this world and its not. I don't care if it's someone's last hope. This is no family to raise a child. Unplanned pregnancies happen all the time. As long as the op can provide a stable home and loves her child there is no reason why this child wont have a happy life. Unless you want to say all children would be better off being aborted than raised out if bad relationship. That would include me..... My life wasnt so bad that i would rather have been wiped out than born thank you very much. Edited August 4, 2016 by DramaInPajamas 2
xxoo Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 Um sorry people but it's not about whether she wants to be a mother. It's about whether this is a fair situation to bring a child into this world and its not. I don't care if it's someone's last hope. This is no family to raise a child. Those are fair considerations before becoming pregnant. This conception has already happened. If the OP wishes to be a mother, I'm certain she could give this child a wonderful life.
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