Dumped again & struggling to come to terms

[The_Good_Me]

Hey everyone

 

I didn't know where to put this as I guess it covers the breakup but its more about how to cope with the loss so thought it best to put here.

 

A little about me, I was on here around 5 years ago after being dumped from a 10 year relationship. It took me around 2 years to get through that break up. I say get through because I got to a place where I wasn't depressed anymore. I still think about her and the way I was dumped has clearly had an affect on my latest relationship which is the real reason why I'm here.

 

I was single, fairly happy doing my own thing, had my own group of friends I'd see at the pub once a week. Wasn't looking for love at the time but of course some new girl showed up looking all beautiful and being amazing. I fancied her immediately, exactly my type of girl. She added me to facebook that evening but we didn't speak so I guessed it was just one of those things people sometimes do when they meet someone new.

 

Next day at work a mutual friend told me she asked a lot of questions about me after the pub and made it clear she was interested. This made me happy of course but I told my friend I thought she was really good looking and I enjoyed talking to her, but I wasn't going to pursue anything with her because I was afraid of getting hurt again and left it at that.

 

Over the next couple of months I'd see her every weekend at the pub. We started speaking on facebook regularly but it was just idle chat, no flirting. Eventually she said "Can we stop behaving like children, we both know we like each other, I know you're afraid of getting hurt again but I feel like we're already together. What do you think?" I was quite shocked & excited at the same time. The months of getting to know her had already bought down some of my barriers and we agreed to start seeing each other.

 

After an amazing week together my insecurities hit me like a truck, I felt like I wasn't good enough for her and I'd end up either hurting her in some way or she'd break my heart. I don't have any family to talk too and I don't bother my friends with personal stuff. Unfortunately I took crazy drastic action and ended the relationship (something I obviosuly regret). Her response was after a brief period of anger, she came to visit me with a letter she wrote. She read it out to me which I thought was incredibly brave. She told me how much she thought of me, listed my qualities and told me she wanted to stay together. We did of course.

 

We had another 2 weeks together but had a couple of arguments which got me scared again. I ended it for a 2nd time. She was furious this time round and rightly so, I am not proud of that.

 

Around a week of NC followed and during that time I realised what a complete idiot I had been. I realised that I am completely insecure and unstable so I decided to go into counselling to identify & combat these self destructive ways. I didn't want that to happen with my next relationship. During the week I completely regretted what I had done. The arguments were small and there was this girl who clearly was very much into me and I'd dumped her not once but twice!! I felt terrible for both of us.

 

After a week NC she text me telling me she needed a hug. I went straight round, she was so happy to see me. We hugged, had sex and I took her out for lunch. I told her how I was feeling, that I wanted to get back together with her and why I think I had acted the way I did. I also told her I'd already booked counselling sessions to deal with it. She was so happy for me but understandably she was guarded. She told me her feelings had changed and she didn't want to rush back into anything. She wanted to take things slow and see if those feelings came back.

 

We had another 2 weeks of being together, taking it slow and towards the end of the 2nd week she started to call me her boyfriend again. We booked a romantic weekend away and she invited me to her friends birthday. Everything seemed to be going in the right direction.

 

One day she asked if I wouldn't mind taking her 3 year old daughter to school as the father was away and her family couldn't accomodate. I'd know her daughter for as long as I had her, so basically around 3 months. She was comfortable with me so I agreed. This made my gf really happy and she asked if she could see more of me. Normally we'd only get a night together here or there but as the father was away she asked if I wanted to spend a few days with her, of course I agreed.

 

Normally in the morning I would go back home after breakfast to wash, shower and go to work, however, on one particular day I had to be at counselling first thing in the morning so I took my toothbrush and went straight from hers. I left the toothbrush in her bathroom.

 

When I saw her that evening she was quite freaked out by the toothbrush saying "That's commitment" so seeing that she wasn't happy with that I told her I would take it away, no problem and apologised while explaining it was only there as I had to be out early. That night she seemed quite distant and iirc it was the first night we didn't have sex, we were both tired and the atmosphere was different due to the toothbrush thing.

 

In the morning she said "Are you not coming onto me anymore?" I replied with "You just seem a bit distant at the moment, I still want you but are you ok?" she said "I don't know, I just get the feeling you're going to dump me again any day now" I told her I wasn't even thinking about that and that I felt much stronger with myself and her. She smiled, looked really happy and came in for a big hug. She started stroking me so in turn I started touching but then she said "I don't think I can" and went quiet. I asked her to talk to me and she said she didn't know what to say. I asked her if she wanted some space and she said yes. Uh oh right! She said she just wanted a day to herself and told me not to worry, she'd be fine tomorrow.

 

I went home obviously feeling uneasy and a bit worried but trusted her word that she'd be ok. Silly me. An hour after I got home I got the text "I'm sorry, I can't do this, I think I just want to be alone, my feelings have changed, I'm sorry".

 

I was in shock and heartbroken. I overthought every reply for hours and couldn't think of what to say. She'd shut the door very efficiently and I'm not the sort of person to fly off the handle, accuse or argue so I told her that I was hurting and I would reply properly when I knew what I wanted to say.

 

She replied with "thats ok I can't really explain at the moment, something doesn't feel right. I want to feel the same way I did before we initiall ended but something has changed for me. I'm sorry, I do love you but I don't think I can handle a relationship"

 

I replied telling her she didn't have to explain more than that, she didn't feel the same and sometimes thats just how it goes. I told her she didn't need to be sorry about anything.

 

We saw each other a couple of days later to exhange items (this isn't my first rodeo, i know its better to get that stuff done ASAP!!!) she was quite cold in her texts arranging that final meeting and when we did meet it was clear she wanted me out.

 

She text me about an hour after I got home apologising for laughing, I don't remember her laughing but I didn't reply.

 

A day or so later she text asking for a pregnancy test kit. I tried calling but she didn't pick up, later saying she didn't hear it. I text her to say I'd pick her one up on my lunch break and bring it over later. She replied saying not to worry about it as she'd be out later and thought her sickness and weakness was caused by a migraine. By the time she text me I'd already bought the kit. I didn't reply.

 

She text me the next morning to tell me she had started her period. Again I didn't reply to that text.

 

It's been 2 weeks of NC now and I've been a mess on the inside, really depressed and torturing myself. I was warned when we first got together that she's easy to get with but gets bored easily. I guess I helped that along by dumping her twice so for those thinking I got what I deserved, you're right in one way. Dumping someone is never nice and I should have been stronger to fight on, maybe we'd still be together, maybe we wouldn't. I need to try and not think about that.

 

I'm not even 100% sure why I've come back on here to write all this. Partly because I think its good to write this stuff down and helps a bit to go through it all and partly because I'm interested to see if anyone else has gone through a similar story before?

 

In terms of reconciliation, I really don't see it happening between us, I believe her when she says her feelings have changed. Those final two weeks she was different with me. The toothbrush thing stands out to me as commitment phobia, that combined with the pre-warning from mutual friends that she tends to leave relationships early. So I think I was in a perfect storm by dumping her which removed the trust and those early strong feelings she had for me, combined with scaring her with commitment. It can't have been easy for her.

 

I like the thought of giving it another go with her in one way, but in the other I have been badly hurt by this break up. I'd just got into a position where I was ready to give us my all and it seemed to be heading in that direction but then a sudden dumping.

 

I know I need to move on now, that's what I'm doing, I'm seeing friends, I'm staying strong on NC and I know I can do that after two previous long term relationships ending so please I don't need to hear "She's not into you move on" I know that guys.

 

Like I say I don't know what I want out of this, I just needed to write it down and Loveshack was once a mini-haven for me so it was no brainer to return. I already know that NC is the way to go to get over it and move on, and I know that I need to stay active and see friends. I do, do that, I've had a great week of social plans but now they've dried up and I'm on my own for a while now. When I'm alone my head goes into overdrive regretting mistakes, thinking about the good times and wishing they were back. I find it so hard to distract myself when I'm alone, my hobbies no longer interest me, I have such low energy levels due to the depression I'm feeling. As soon as someone asks me to go out, I have energy and I'm gone, it doesn't matter what we're doing, I'm out the door.

 

So I guess what I'm really looking for is advice on how to get motivated at home, or does anyone have any techniques they use to stop overthinking the relationship? It's being alone and struggling to cope is the main thing I'm failing at right now.

 

Thanks for reading and sorry for writing so much and occasionally repeating myself.