Update on situation with ex-GF - how do I interpret her latest actions?

[romantic_fool]

It's been a while since I last posted on here. Won't bore you with the long story (it's described in gory detail in my earlier threads). Basically, GF (Z) broke up with me (S) about 6 months ago. We had been together for 4 years of which the last 2 were in a LDR (her in Toronto at law school and me in NY). I was a rock of love, support and integrity thoughout. I am 33 and she is 34. We were extremely close and had made plans for our future together. No sign that anything was wrong. Though distance was clearly a factor, she can provide no clear reason why she left me - she says that she still loves me (only now like a brother), believes she will not find anyone better than me for her and she wishes she could want to marry me. She acknowledges that she does not know what she is looking for in a partner/relationship beyond that which we shared. She wants to remain good friends with me. I still love her immensely and want to resurrect our dreams.

 

Over the past few months, I have severely limited my contact with her and stopped being a pleading puppy dog. Rarely called her even when she left me phone messages although she asked me on several occasions to phone her at her office. Mainly responded with emails. So we have been sending each other brief, somewhat superficial emails (...how are you...hope all is well...let's catch up some time...).

 

At the end of April, she suddenly invited me to visit her in Toronto for the weekend "as good friends". So I gladly agreed and made arrangements. The next day she called me to tell me that she no longer wanted me to visit . She was prompted by her friend, A, in this. Essentially the reason that Z gave me was that she was scared that she would have too good a time with me since we always have great fun together and this would rekindle her feelings for me which was inconsistent with us moving on. So, I was left rather confused since it implied to me that she was denying herself obvious happiness!

 

Well, a couple of weeks ago, she sent me an email saying "...Anyway, I am hoping to see you in Toronto or New York some time soon. What are your plans for the July 4 weekend? I am thinking of coming to New York or hosting you in Toronto. What do you think?" So I replied saying that I would be delighted to get together with her. And then - after a long silence - she sent me a short email a couple of days ago saying "I have changed my mind about coming to New York"! Aarrgghhh!

 

The latest twist in the tale is the email she sent me yesterday:

 

"...My good and beautiful friend, A, is going to London at the end of August. I thought that you and her other girlfriends may enjoy each other's company if you are in London at the same time...Also, if you cannot see me, I hope that you can see my friends...I just thought that all of you would enjoy each other's company since women always seem to have fun with you - you may recall that my sister said that she never met a guy with a better personality."

 

I really don't know what to think of this message. Anyway, I replied that I would be happy to meet up with her friend if circumstances permit.

 

For what it is worth, her sister suspects that a large part of Z's determination not to get back together with me despite my volunteering to do anything (even move to Toronto asap) is because Z went to see a psychic last year who told her that she would definitely meet and marry someone else within the next 3 years.

 

Reading between the lines from our communications, I do not think she has fallen madly in love with anyone else yet. She appears totally focused on her summer job at a law firm. Small things - for example, contemplating hosting me in Toronto, complaining that no-one has set up her air conditioning, calling me occasionally on Saturday or Sunday evenings (I don't answer the phone!), always emphasising how busy she is these days, mentioning that she is considering returning to New York next June after finishing law school - suggest to me that not only is she not dating anyone else but that maybe she does not want to be dating anyone else yet. Could this be possible for someone who has always valued being in a relationship?

 

Finally, one small point - I always address my emails to her "Dear Z" whereas she sometimes writes "Hi S" or "Dear S" at other times with no clear pattern - does this signify anything or am I being over-analytic?

 

I do not know what to think. I want to salvage any signs of hope but nothing fundamental has changed. Maybe I am deluding myself by wanting to see a rosier picture than the reality? Thank you for any thoughts you may have!

[curiousnycgirl]

WOW what a horrible quandry. Unfortunately I am of two minds here. One side of me wants to tell you to run away as fast as you can. You clearly feel very strongly for this woman, and she is really playing games - perhaps unintentionally but games nevertheless. Don't you feel you deserve more? This push me pull you crap she is pulling is just absurd and infantile.

 

The other side of me thinks if you feel that strongly - perhaps one more grand effort would be appropriate. Perphaps show up in Toronto one weekend and force her to sit down and talk to you. Talk about everything - demand to find out why she broke up with you, why she keeps planning and cancelling and most important what is she thinking?!

 

If you go with option number 2, and the crap continues or if you go with option number 1 - initiate no contact and begin healing yourself from this obviously painful situation.

 

My heart goes out to you!!!!

[romantic_fool]

Thanks for your advice and sympathy curiousnycgirl. When Z first gave me the bad news back in Nov. 2004, I did turn up unannounced in Toronto to see if I could salvage things. Stayed for one month and we had a great time together - the perfect couple just like before. She told me that she enjoyed having me around and was confused - not sure about breaking up with me any more. But then after I returned to NY, she called a few weeks later (just before Christmas) to inform me that she had decided to stick with her decision to leave me.

 

I confronted her on a few occasions at the beginning of this year and the response is always the same. When questioned, Z has made it clear that she does not see a future for us together under any circumstances. At the same time, she cannot give me a straightforward reason why. I do not think she is lying to me - she is a forthright person. Rather she appears not to know what she wants. Her sister (who thinks that Z is making the biggest mistake of her life) believes that Z is hoping to meet her perfect, fantasy person that does not exist. Z has told me that she loves me physically, intellectually and emotionally but no longer feels a desire to marry me. She even suggested that it could be a fear of commitment on her part (which is strange since 2 years ago she was pressuring me to get engaged to her). It's this lack of clarity that keeps me wanting to hang in there.