MGX Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 6. I am starving and I've been waiting for an hour for him to stop playing his game so we can go out to eat. Screw that. Push the power button on the console or unplug it and tell him that "We are getting dinner. NOW." Put your foot down and stop taking his crap. He does this BS because he knows that he can get away with it--from both you and his mother. His mom needs to stop doing his laundry. He's a grown ass man.
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Screw that. Push the power button on the console or unplug it and tell him that "We are getting dinner. NOW." Put your foot down and stop taking his crap. He does this BS because.... On the other hand why is she waiting for him? I would leave and go eat without him. You find it unacceptable his mother still mother him at his age but then you suggest OP to act as a mother by unplugging the video game. 2
MGX Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 On the other hand why is she waiting for him? I would leave and go eat without him. You find it unacceptable his mother still mother him at his age but then you suggest OP to act as a mother by unplugging the video game. If the guy had her wait an hour while he played a video game, then he probably doesn't care what she does, as long as he can still play. That tells him nothing. Unplugging the video game gets his undivided attention and tells the guy upfront that his girl isn't some doormat. Now THAT tells him something.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Screw that. Push the power button on the console or unplug it and tell him that "We are getting dinner. NOW." NO NO NO...I would not recommend turning off the console in the middle of a gamer's game!!!!!!!!!!!! Yikes!:confused: Not a gamer, but you are asking for heck by doing something like this....
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 If the guy had her wait an hour while he played a video game, then he probably doesn't care what she does, as long as he can still play. That tells him nothing. Unplugging the video game gets his undivided attention and tells the guy upfront that his girl isn't some doormat. Now THAT tells him something. How is that attitude working for you? It will only show him he is living with a controling freak. This would provoke him and start a fight. Mothers pull the plug on 12 years old, not adult women on their adult BF. 2
No_Go Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Unplugging the game is ridiculous. I wouldn't do this to a child as well- it shows disrespect. What's the problem to go grab some food alone?? Or grab an apple from the fridge to suppress the hunger if she desperately needs him to accompany her to the eatery? I'm not sure who's the child in that situation... On the other hand why is she waiting for him? I would leave and go eat without him. You find it unacceptable his mother still mother him at his age but then you suggest OP to act as a mother by unplugging the video game.
MGX Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 How is that attitude working for you? Worked fine for me. I encouraged any woman I've dated or had a relationship with to plainly speak her mind. Being too silent and passive when something wrong is happening allows the unfortunate stuff to continue. You'll want to nip any problems in the bud immediately. It will only show him he is living with a controling freak. This would provoke him and start a fight. Mothers pull the plug on 12 years old, not adult women on their adult BF. No, it'll teach him that he WON'T disrespect his girlfriend. It'll teach him that his girlfriend actually has some self-esteem. Better being confident and assertive GF than being some passive, mousy ass doormat who keeps quiet and allows this stuff to keep happening. The BF is going to take her alot more seriously after that. He'll think twice about ignoring her.
No_Go Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I'm a bit puzzled with this whole discussion with the housing chores. How much chores are there in a 2-adult household?? My BF shops and cooks exclusively, I even tried to interfere but he prefers it that way. The rest is vacuuming here and there, running the dishwasher and each of us doing laundry once a week. And if the house needs desperately deep cleaning - I just hire a cleaning lady (this is $100 2-3 times an year at most). That's all. If we had 2-3 toddlers, then we could be talking about chores. 2
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Worked fine for me. I encouraged any woman I've dated or had a relationship with to plainly speak her mind. Being too silent and passive when something wrong is happening allows the unfortunate stuff to continue. You'll want to nip any problems in the bud immediately. No, it'll teach him that he WON'T disrespect his girlfriend. It'll teach him that his girlfriend actually has some self-esteem. Better being confident and assertive GF than being some passive, mousy ass doormat who keeps quiet and allows this stuff to keep happening. The BF is going to take her alot more seriously after that. He'll think twice about ignoring her. I remember being a youg wive and talking on the phone with a college friend. We were talking about a homework her and l had to remit the following day. My then husband felt l had been on the phone long enough and pulled the phone cord off the wall. It was the start of a controlling marriage. After that he would do things like hide my car keys so l had to stay home, empty our bank account so l could not withdraw money, gave me the silent treatment, and the list goes on. Your advise is destructive, controlling and manipulative and no relationship got better by controlling and being abusive. 4
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I'm a bit puzzled with this whole discussion with the housing chores. How much chores are there in a 2-adult household?? My BF shops and cooks exclusively, I even tried to interfere but he prefers it that way. The rest is vacuuming here and there, running the dishwasher and each of us doing laundry once a week. And if the house needs desperately deep cleaning - I just hire a cleaning lady (this is $100 2-3 times an year at most). That's all. If we had 2-3 toddlers, then we could be talking about chores. Good point. On a side note my BF isn't a slob though. He picks up after himself. If OP's BF is making a mess everywhere it could get frustrating. 1
Gloria25 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I both agree and disagree with you. First of all I think the only person making this a gender issue is you. I don't think anyone here has said that women should shoulder the household chores simply because they are women. People are talking about fair contributions to the relationship and the fair division of household chores. I am a woman who supported my (ex)bf for almost a year while he was not working. Yes I had the expectation that he would handle most of the household chores since I was working 10 hour days. Let's face it, no house requires 10 hours of housework a day. Usually just a couple of hours a day is sufficient to keep a home looking in tip top shape. Maybe more on some days and less on others, which still leaves the person not working outside of the home plenty of hours to devote to other endeavours. Personally I found it downright offensive that I was out busting my butt everyday to keep the bills paid for both myself and my ex only to come and have to do chores because my ex apparently had better things to do with his free time. I felt unloved and unappreciated and after many months of this I kicked him out (my place). If I were not working and living with a man who worked hard every day to pay all of the bills I certainly would not expect him to still do 1/2 the chores at home. Not because I'm a woman and doing housework is a woman's job, but because that would be my contribution to our relationship and to keeping us both happy and free of stress and, as i mentioned before, even doing all of the household chores still does not equal a fulltime job. It's not about gender, it's about contributing a fair amount time to keeping things running smoothly. If one person is working hard outside of the home for 10-12 hours a day then surely the non working person can spend 2-3 hours a day doing chores so that the working partner doesn't have to deal with it. Where I agree with you is that money has nothing to do with the division of chores. If my both my partner and myself are working fulltime I'm not going to do all of the housework simply because my partner makes more money than me and therefore contributes more financially. No way. It's not about who makes the most money, it's about who has the most free time to spend on taking care of the house. I also agree that nobody has the right to treat their partner like a servant. If I'm not working then I don't mind doing the bulk of the chores but that doesn't mean my partner can be a total pig. I would still expect him to pick up after himself by doing things like putting his laundry in the hamper, picking up his dirty dishes, and cleaning up any messes that he has made. I once dated a guy who not only didn't do housework he would also leave messes all over the place. He would eat and then just leave the table, leaving his mess and dishes just sitting there. He would get the floor all wet when he showered and then walk out of the bathroom just leaving his wet towel sitting on the wet floor. He would take the wrapper off of something and not bother to put it in the garbage. That kind of behaviour is unacceptable in every situation. No way would I follow along behind someone picking up after them and cleaning their messes. Perfect ^^ And that's my point too - since now a days who works differs by gender or can be both the man and the woman of the home, not one person should be left to do all the housework. If a guy wants to be "mothered" (ok, "nurtured"). Then he needs to make enough money so his woman can stay home. If not, he better roll up sleeves and pitch in or both of them agree to find money to hire help. But really, IMO, when you have a dual-working couple, I think it's sad that it sorta seems like two roommates/"partners" rather than man/woman. Think of it, if both of us come home tired, who's there to greet us at the door with a nice home-cooked meal....in other words, it's not about the task at hand (i.e. cooking), it's about expressing love and appreciation - making the "house" a "home". When you're working those long hours at work, what makes it worth it? Coming home to argue about who's turn it is to cook and put out the trash, or a loving spouse waiting for you at the door with smiles, a beer (or glass of wine) and something nice and smelling good coming from the oven? I'd like to come home to a loving SO who got some yummy food on the stove, a clean home, so we can eat, relax and then go to the bedroom and finish off our evening after a long day. With dual-working couples, that's far from happening on the regular..."maybe" they do that on their weekends or days off? Next, it shouldn't be so mechanical (i.e. you do this, I do that). IMO, it should be natural/organic. I do this for you, and you in return do this for me. Like me with my last FWB. He insisted on doing stuff for me, so like on a cold day when he was working on my vehicle, I would come out there and come with a warm cup of coffee. Did he ask for the coffee? No. Did he appreciate the coffee or the gesture? Probably the gesture more than the coffee itself. It's a beautiful "dance". He does something for me, and I do something for him. That's how relationships should go...if both people are constantly giving back and forth, how can you go wrong? Also, IMO, while some people find it demeaning and/or insulting that a woman would assume the tasks at a home - even if she's working - I don't believe that role was pushed upon us because of society's misogynistic expectations. We humans are like animals in part - we're pre-programmed to do certain things. It's called "biology". Women nuture...we can't help it. I'm a woman with brains and braun. I can fix a part on my vehicle, replace a broken pipe - yet enjoy watching my family eat a nice home cooked meal. When I was in the military and living in the barracks, my sister came to stay with me, and she was eating Taco Bell like every day. I pulled out my little one-burner hot plate and make soup, chicken and rice and said 'You sit down and eat this, it's better for you'. Again, we women naturally want to nurture others. Sorry if we're in a time where women are ashamed of having the desire to be cooking and cleaning for their man family. 1
anika99 Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 If the guy had her wait an hour while he played a video game, then he probably doesn't care what she does, as long as he can still play. That tells him nothing. Unplugging the video game gets his undivided attention and tells the guy upfront that his girl isn't some doormat. Now THAT tells him something. If your bf really doesn't give a damn that you left without him then it's time to get a new bf. What you are suggesting is not teaching respect, it's reinforcing the parent/child dynamic and introducing more disrespect and resentment into the relationship. When I was raising my youngest teen son and I needed him to do something but he was watching tv or doing something else I would tell him when your show is over then please to such and such or if he was busy with something other than tv I would put a time limit on my request. I would say I need you to go to the store sometime in the next hour or I need the trash taken out before dinner time. My son was a good hearted boy but strong willed. Allowing him to have some control over how and when he would complete a request gave him a sense of being independent and respected. In contrast when his father wanted something done he expected my son to jump immediately to attention. If my son was watching tv he would just walk into the room, turn of the tv and say "go to the store" or he would just tell him to stop doing whatever he was doing and immediately obey his request right now! This minute! Then my son would give him some attitude and then the fight would be on. Whatever the original request was wouldn't be done immediately anyways because they were now wasting time arguing. Demanding immediate obedience is something one might do with a well trained pet but it's not how human beings treat each other, especially not human adults. I agree that if the OP wanted to eat she should have left and fed herself. If her bf doesn't care that she left then he doesn't care about her and she needs to kick him to the curb, not engage in childish struggles for control. 2
preraph Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 I'm a bit puzzled with this whole discussion with the housing chores. How much chores are there in a 2-adult household?? My BF shops and cooks exclusively, I even tried to interfere but he prefers it that way. The rest is vacuuming here and there, running the dishwasher and each of us doing laundry once a week. And if the house needs desperately deep cleaning - I just hire a cleaning lady (this is $100 2-3 times an year at most). That's all. If we had 2-3 toddlers, then we could be talking about chores. Obviously you've never lived with a slacker slob (or a teenager). You can't clean fast enough to keep up with people who just throw crap everywhere. Anyway, it's not a negotiation. She's not interested in being his housekeeper. 1
SpiralOut Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 (edited) I'm a bit puzzled with this whole discussion with the housing chores. How much chores are there in a 2-adult household?? My BF shops and cooks exclusively, I even tried to interfere but he prefers it that way. The rest is vacuuming here and there, running the dishwasher and each of us doing laundry once a week. And if the house needs desperately deep cleaning - I just hire a cleaning lady (this is $100 2-3 times an year at most). That's all. If we had 2-3 toddlers, then we could be talking about chores. I don't know what you consider to be deep cleaning vs regular upkeep, but we do things you haven't mentioned like clean the bathrooms (usually twice a month), empty the garbage and recycling, put out the trash on trash day, dust the furniture, change the bedsheets regularly. I also clean the fridge every couple of weeks. Then of course there's the usual clutter that tends to pile up and needs to be tidied, usually on weekends. We probably have more clutter than most people since we have home projects going on all the time. Edited August 8, 2016 by SpiralOut
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