I am dating a man child

[ChickiePops]

I don't think it's creepy at all. I find it inappropriate, and indicative of a person not growing into an adult and realising that their relationship with their parent should have changed, if they had grown into an adult.

 

 

My boyfriend was raised doing nothing around the house. When he's in his childhood home, that remains the case still. I am objecting to this very strongly. He is not allowed to behave like that in my home, but I see the problem as bigger that that - I want his mentality to change, so he realises that he should be willingly helping with chores, wherever he is, and regardless of if I am there. Helping with chores is a diuty we all have, and important because it reflects appreciation of the home and people in it.

 

So essentially you are forced to discipline him and teach him how to behave like an adult. Knd of like how my best friend is teaching her 4 year old how to clean his room...

 

Sexy!

[anna121]

I don't think it matters how the division of labour breaks down outside of the home in general. When both parties are at home, they should be helping with work in the home, in my opinion. Nobody should be ignoring jobs at home, thinking the other party should do everything. If one sees a job needs to be done, one does it (wipe the table, put clothes in the washing machine, go and get milk etc), or helps the person doing it (dishes, hang up washing, change the bed linen etc) - that's the essence of teamwork. I don't prescribe to list-making. Adults need to help around the home willingly, regardless of what they are doing outside of the home. Taking care of the home is 1 way in which both parties show their appreciation for their relationship and life together.

 

Exactly. There's nothing I love more than coming out of the shower and finding the bed already made. Of course, I do it too.

 

It shows respect for each other.

[anna121]

I don't think it's creepy at all. I find it inappropriate, and indicative of a person not growing into an adult and realising that their relationship with their parent should have changed, if they had grown into an adult.

 

 

My boyfriend was raised doing nothing around the house. When he's in his childhood home, that remains the case still. I am objecting to this very strongly. He is not allowed to behave like that in my home, but I see the problem as bigger that that - I want his mentality to change, so he realises that he should be willingly helping with chores, wherever he is, and regardless of if I am there. Helping with chores is a diuty we all have, and important because it reflects appreciation of the home and people in it.

 

Meh. I think it varies. In some cultures the host/parent derives great pleasure from taking care of others. To this day, my elderly father insists on making me coffee and french toast for breakfast whenever I visit. I am a great cook but I love being spoiled by him. And he loves to do it.

 

So, just based on the above I think it's a bit much for you to intervene in HIS family dynamic. He's allowed to have whatever relationship he wants with his family as long as it doesn't negatively affect your own. JMO.

[DramaInPajamas]

Meh. I think it varies. In some cultures the host/parent derives great pleasure from taking care of others. To this day, my elderly father insists on making me coffee and french toast for breakfast whenever I visit. I am a great cook but I love being spoiled by him. And he loves to do it.

 

So, just based on the above I think it's a bit much for you to intervene in HIS family dynamic. He's allowed to have whatever relationship he wants with his family as long as it doesn't negatively affect your own. JMO.

 

Exactly. In some cultures men are very much doted on and spoiled by their mother.

 

This woman is doing her sons laundry a task that is done once maybe twice a week. She isnt wiping his ass, wet nursing him, etc.

 

The OP has said he works a demanding job and she works 2 jobs 40-50 hours a week. Maybe the mother is just doing something to help.

Edited August 5, 2016 by DramaInPajamas

[preraph]

For God's sake, it's a parent's job to teach their kids how to be functioning adults! It's one thing to be there when they're ill or just had a newborn, quite another to just not let them grow up.

[DramaInPajamas]

For God's sake, it's a parent's job to teach their kids how to be functioning adults! It's one thing to be there when they're ill or just had a newborn, quite another to just not let them grow up.

 

So a mother is never allowed to do anything for her adult children. Ever?

 

Even if they want to? Even if the parent is retired and has time to spare and wants to help out?

 

How is doing his laundry, one domestic task, refusing him to allow him to grow up? She doesnt go to work for him, pay his mortgage, pay his bills, they do that on their own.

 

It is a little bit of help and being blown way out of proportion.

Edited August 5, 2016 by DramaInPajamas

[anna121]

I was mostly responding to one post in particular. But yeah, I don't think the issue is his mom doing his laundry. The issue is that he appears to be a lazy slob. They aren't, necessarily, connected.

[Grisho]

Meh. I think it varies. In some cultures the host/parent derives great pleasure from taking care of others. To this day, my elderly father insists on making me coffee and french toast for breakfast whenever I visit. I am a great cook but I love being spoiled by him. And he loves to do it.

 

So, just based on the above I think it's a bit much for you to intervene in HIS family dynamic. He's allowed to have whatever relationship he wants with his family as long as it doesn't negatively affect your own. JMO.

 

Of course it affects me greatly, for the reason mentioned. Read my post please. I am having to teach him things that are a parent's duty to teach their kids. Parents are supposed to nurture kids through growing into adults. The babying of her son by his mum has led to him being incapable of helping properly in a home.

 

You must also stop and consider the substantial difference between someone making you a cuppa to welcome you (which you know how to do also) v's me having to teach a man how to be purposeful in the home.

[preraph]

So a mother is never allowed to do anything for her adult children. Ever?

 

Even if they want to? Even if the parent is retired and has time to spare and wants to help out?

 

How is doing his laundry, one domestic task, refusing him to allow him to grow up? She doesnt go to work for him, pay his mortgage, pay his bills, they do that on their own.

 

It is a little bit of help and being blown way out of proportion.

 

How about their adult son help them do things instead? Coddling a full grown child in a relationship is just interfering, I'm sorry. Let them grow up!

[ChickiePops]

So a mother is never allowed to do anything for her adult children. Ever?

 

Even if they want to? Even if the parent is retired and has time to spare and wants to help out?

 

How is doing his laundry, one domestic task, refusing him to allow him to grow up? She doesnt go to work for him, pay his mortgage, pay his bills, they do that on their own.

 

It is a little bit of help and being blown way out of proportion.

 

Coming over on a regular basis to clean up after an adult is not simply 'helping out'. That is parenting. If a man in his 30's still needs to be parented on a regular basis, he is not grown up enough.

 

But to each her own. If it turns you (or the OP, or anyone else) on to watch your boyfriends mommy scrubbing the skid marks out of his underwear then more power to ya! For me personally, I'd be grossed out. My fiancé and I do our own laundry, we share the housework equally, and we both contribute financially. That, to me, is how it should be.

[Woggle]

Any adult should do their own chores and do their half of it if they live with somebody else. Nothing wrong with accepting some help every now and then but give back and don't make it a regular thing. When we had to stay with family during Sandy I made sure to contribute and make myself useful to pay back them giving us their house for a month.

 

As far as video games go I see nothing wrong with having them as a hobby as long as you take of other things and by all means don't leave somebody hanging for an hour so they starve. These games have a save feature for a reason. I see no difference between playing a Playstation and watching your favorite TV show. It does seem sometimes that anything men enjoy gets called immature.

[preraph]

Enigma, in regard to the Marine, if he'd had a woman living there, don't you think that would be inappropriate for his mom to come over and take over that stuff? Let me ask about your Marine friend. Has he ever lived on his own and not had a woman picking up after him?

[DramaInPajamas]

Coming over on a regular basis to clean up after an adult is not simply 'helping out'. That is parenting. If a man in his 30's still needs to be parented on a regular basis, he is not grown up enough.

 

But to each her own. If it turns you (or the OP, or anyone else) on to watch your boyfriends mommy scrubbing the skid marks out of his underwear then more power to ya! For me personally, I'd be grossed out. My fiancé and I do our own laundry, we share the housework equally, and we both contribute financially. That, to me, is how it should be.

 

I work with a couple of princesses at work who live with their husbands and mothers in law. And the mommies in law even bring them a hot drink in the morning and make all their lunches for work, dinners, make their beds, wash their clothes, etc.

 

I do my own stuff and I would expect a man to do the same but i have just seen far worse so it is less shocking to me perhaps.

[ChickiePops]

He was married and his wife was living with him as well. As I am sure you know, having his mother come and stay there for that year put some stress on things, mostly because his wife felt mom was trying to take over the place. Mom felt the wife wasn't doing her part very well, and mom insisted she help out, since she did not like staying there without pitching in. It was a bit of a disaster

 

Yeah, he was in the Marines. Mommy does not pick up after you in the Marines. That seemed obvious to me.

 

So his mom didn't like the other woman in his life and tried to replace her. Yup..still creepy. The more stories I hear about this, the creepier it gets.

[bachdude]

One thing I don't get in regards to Mom doing the son's laundry while he is living with another woman is...well...there's bound to be some embarrassing messes....right?

[MidwestUSA]

One thing I don't get in regards to Mom doing the son's laundry while he is living with another woman is...well...there's bound to be some embarrassing messes....right?

 

You mean infant messes or teenage messes?

 

She's seen it all before. She was doing his laundry at home. She's a mom. It's what they do.

[bachdude]

You mean infant messes or teenage messes?

 

She's seen it all before. She was doing his laundry at home. She's a mom. It's what they do.

 

I'm talking about the situation the OP describes; her BF's mom is doing his laundry.

 

I mean adult, sexual messes. I would be embarrassed as h$% to have my underwear a mess in my laundry knowing my Mom saw it!

[MidwestUSA]

I'm talking about the situation the OP describes; her BF's mom is doing his laundry.

 

I mean adult, sexual messes. I would be embarrassed as h$% to have my underwear a mess in my laundry knowing my Mom saw it!

 

I was talking about his underwear - she's seen his teenage messes. Do guys use their socks too? It's nothing new to her. Frankly, skid marks are worse.

[bachdude]

I was talking about his underwear - she's seen his teenage messes. Do guys use their socks too? It's nothing new to her. Frankly, skid marks are worse.

 

 

Ok, we are talking about the same thing then! Haha Sure, socks work great!

 

 

Well, I'd still never want my Mom, as an adult, to have to clean up those messes! Skid marks don't matter. Just throw the whites on hot and let the chips fall where they may! Haha

[Lois_Griffin]

So I realized the other day, when I got home from work, that I am dating a man child. Not in the cute "he likes video games", "he likes to snuggle", young boy type man child.

I am dating the type of man child who needs me to ask him to do the dishwasher in his own house. The kind who doesn't know where his own bowls go in the cabinet. Who still has his mom doing his laundry. Who can't do anything for himself and has no ambition to.

/sighs

How do I address this? I've know about it for a little while, but it kind of hit me the other day how bad it is, and now it's really getting on my nerves. We live together, by the way, so I am taking care of the house right now, inside and out.

This is a really long story so I'll outline it quickly.

1. We've been dating for the better part of two years.

2. He is one thesis away from having a Masters in Engineering. If he'd have finished it, he would have had it about 3 years ago.

3. He hates his job. It really takes it out of him.

4. All he really does is work, play cards, play video games, play phone games, and eat.

5. He doesn't take care of himself. He has health insurance, and has for a long time, but he doesn't have a primary physician because he hasn't felt like looking.

6. I am starving and I've been waiting for an hour for him to stop playing his game so we can go out to eat.

7. There's so much to this story.

 

How do I confront him about this? What do I say? I don't want to offend him, but I don't want to break up either. I love him even though he's a doofus.

Guh. I'm getting to the end of my line tho.

I'm going to put this very simply.

 

You're 23 years old. He's not going to be your last boyfriend. You're nothing more than a pack mule who works two jobs, pays half the bills, and does about 98% of the household chores - inside AND out - while Peter Pan plays on the computer or lays on the couch acting like a 17 year old lazy dumb-ass kid.

 

ALL you've accomplished with this fool is having set the precedent that you're the work horse and he's the guest in his own home who doesn't have to do a damned thing because you're more than happy to flit around him doing it for him.

 

About the only thing you DON'T do for this cretin is chew his food for him.

 

There are PLENTY of lazy men-children out in the world. Trust me. And they're not 'depressed' - unless the new meaning of the word 'depressed' now means LAZY.

 

It ain't gonna change.

 

You're 23. Find someone who actually has his sh*t together and doesn't expect you to enter a life of servitude just for the 'privilege' of his company. Screw that.

[DramaInPajamas]

I'm talking about the situation the OP describes; her BF's mom is doing his laundry.

 

I mean adult, sexual messes. I would be embarrassed as h$% to have my underwear a mess in my laundry knowing my Mom saw it!

 

Do guys jerk off into underwear even when they live with a woman? I thought they just did that as teens.

 

Surely there are no sexual messes at this age unless they are still doing it in their pants or spraying it all over sheets.

 

Ive lived with a man I dont remember their undies being particularly messy or the sheets being covered in it.

[Els]

OP, you gotta leave. You have your whole life ahead of you, you can do better than this man child who lets you do the majority of chores while splitting the bills. Plus you say the only thing he does outside of work is play games - I'm a gamer too (as is my SO) so I'm not against the concept, but all healthy relationships need quality time together. A relationship where the two people involved never spend time with each other isn't a relationship. Gaming is no excuse for being a piss poor boyfriend, which is what he is.

 

The sooner you leave the sooner you can meet someone who can actually do his own laundry AND take you out on dates to boot! They really do exist, trust me. Regardless of whether they play games or not.

[Gloria25]

I'd like to know how many of you have had to write a thesis? It's extremely time consuming and can be difficult to finish when you are working full time, especially if your job is draining, as the OP had said.

 

 

He has an undergrad degree and he has a job where it sounds like he works hard.

 

 

Before I would go recommending she leave this guy, I would like to know the answers to my questions above.

 

But she's not his "wife"...they're just living together. He shouldn't get the perks of a wife, if they're not married. So he can wash his own clothes, cook for himself, etc.

 

I don't know, I've never lived with a guy I was dating and never been married. But as the OP's thread demonstrates, you don't do wifey things (cooking, cleaning, etc.) for a guy just cuz he lives with you, cuz he's gonna take you for granted and since you're not married, he has no incentive to reciprocate

 

Since I've never lived with someone, I guess you need to discuss your expectations with him. Cuz if he was single, he'd have to clean up after himself, wallow in dirt, hire a maid, or have his mommy hold his penis while he pees.

 

But regardless if married or single, when both people work and/or go to school, no one's there to make the house a "home". So, you guys need to discuss who does what or hire s maid - cuz all of it shouldn't fall on either of you.

 

Me? I work full time and got ten other things going on and somehow I handle the womanly stuff (cooking, cleaning, washing ) and guy stuff (landscaping, handiwork, car washing). Sometimes I'll skip a day of cooking or wait to do a full house clean in two weeks, but cleanliness is at an acceptable level (and I have smelly pets).

 

Now, I care enough at times to sacrifice sleep so that I can squeeze in some cooking for Mum and my siblings. I would do the same for my man, even if we both were working and regardless if we were married, cuz that's just me...I'm a nurturing type. But still, I would discuss and/or accept him to take on some stuff instead of turn into my child. So far Mum and I reciprocate naturally without having to call a meeting. Sometimes she will cook by just announcing she will - I don't have to ask. Sometimes she'll clean up the kitchen and tidy her bathroom...and IMO, that's how it should go, both people naturally/organically should do for each other...that's how relationships work. But in the OP's case, seems like bf wants the perks of a wife, when he hasn't earned such (by marrying her and making money for the both of them so she would be a SAHW). He also seems very selfish and self-centered.

[Grisho]

I really object to the idea that cleaning and cooking (basically, all the hard work in the home) are the duties of a woman, simply because of gender. That's offensive. It's also a poor model for parents to teach their kids. We need males and females to be active in the home, willingly doing every kind of job, whether they like it or not.

 

When people are lazy, they infect every environment they are involved in - they don't bother cleaning up after themselves in the workplace, they don't bother cleaning up after themselves when they eat in the park, they don't help with dinner and cleaning up when they visit friends and family, and so on and so on. They cause needless amounts of discord and stress.

 

Money is incidental to the work that needs to be done around a home. A home is built by 2 people (and their kids, if kids come into play) maintaining the home by working together, showing support, teamwork and appreciation for each other. Any imbalance created by laziness in the home will result in an unhappy relationship.

 

Appreciation of the home and relationship via being purposeful in the home is at the core of all the important things in relationships - communication, trust, intimacy, loyalty, compassion, kindness, healthy coping mechanisms and so on and so on.

[bachdude]

But she's not his "wife"...they're just living together. He shouldn't get the perks of a wife, if they're not married. So he can wash his own clothes, cook for himself, etc.

 

I don't know, I've never lived with a guy I was dating and never been married. But as the OP's thread demonstrates, you don't do wifey things (cooking, cleaning, etc.) for a guy just cuz he lives with you, cuz he's gonna take you for granted and since you're not married, he has no incentive to reciprocate

 

Since I've never lived with someone, I guess you need to discuss your expectations with him. Cuz if he was single, he'd have to clean up after himself, wallow in dirt, hire a maid, or have his mommy hold his penis while he pees.

 

But regardless if married or single, when both people work and/or go to school, no one's there to make the house a "home". So, you guys need to discuss who does what or hire s maid - cuz all of it shouldn't fall on either of you.

 

Me? I work full time and got ten other things going on and somehow I handle the womanly stuff (cooking, cleaning, washing ) and guy stuff (landscaping, handiwork, car washing). Sometimes I'll skip a day of cooking or wait to do a full house clean in two weeks, but cleanliness is at an acceptable level (and I have smelly pets).

 

Now, I care enough at times to sacrifice sleep so that I can squeeze in some cooking for Mum and my siblings. I would do the same for my man, even if we both were working and regardless if we were married, cuz that's just me...I'm a nurturing type. But still, I would discuss and/or accept him to take on some stuff instead of turn into my child. So far Mum and I reciprocate naturally without having to call a meeting. Sometimes she will cook by just announcing she will - I don't have to ask. Sometimes she'll clean up the kitchen and tidy her bathroom...and IMO, that's how it should go, both people naturally/organically should do for each other...that's how relationships work. But in the OP's case, seems like bf wants the perks of a wife, when he hasn't earned such (by marrying her and making money for the both of them so she would be a SAHW). He also seems very selfish and self-centered.

 

First, in that post I was simply addressing whether or not he was lazy for not finishing his thesis in three years. It had nothing to do with what you are saying.

 

I don't really disagree with what you say, in general. Except if you are right then he should do the same amount of housework and the OP should pay half the mortgage.

 

Also, my whole point here is how people jump to conclusions about someone when they do not have all the information. I simply wanted more info.

 

I also gave my own experience as an example. I was living with someone who had a fraction of the responsibilities and had vastly amounts of more time than me to do housework while I took on extra work for her to help her with her bills. I was up at 7 am and got home at 9 pm every night. When I got home I would collapse. Sheer exhaustion. And guess what. she would complain I didn't do more around the house and she wasn't my "mama". Another male poster also said he had a similar situation.

 

So I made no judgement about the OP or her BF. I just wanted more info before I gave advise and some here assumed I was defending him.

 

And I always said there should be an equal division of labor, roughly of course, not in some dysfunctional time-clock way.

 

The whole, "everyone should just pitch in when they see something that needs to be done so they are a team", sounds great and works in many situations but not in all.

 

So bleh!

 

haha