I am dating a man child

[xxoo]

However, OP, on this point above, I would say—don't wait for your BF. If he makes you wait an hour and you're hungry, leave. Go get food yourself. If he sees you making your way through the door, he may perk up and notice that you're leaving. Actions do speak louder than words here. If he can't detach himself from his game in a timely manner, your absence when he finally pries his eyes away from his screen will hopefully make a bigger impression that you sitting down and having a conversation with him. SHOW him what you're willing to tolerate. For heaven's sake, do something; don't sit around sulking silently in the corner.

 

+1

 

Like heck would I wait around hungry for an hour. That goes double if this is repeated behavior! I'm out. Feed yo'self.

[Cherryz]

Dont get with people thinking you will change them.

Often when people meet the rigth person/ soulmate certain changes will happen automatically.

 

Also because the other person have the rigth tools, personality, love, way of speaking etc. that reach you.

[Cherryz]

And love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[elaine567]

Dont get with people thinking you will change them.

 

 

Exactly.

Some will appear to change, but will end up on the same comfortable old track whenever they feel they can get away with it.

 

The OP here is an enabler.

Her manchild is her lovely "doofus", and he is taking full advantage of the situation

 

He doesn't need to do the laundry, he has his mother for that, he doesn't need to know where to put the bowls, he has the OP for that.

all he needs to know about is how to get to the next level in his current game...

I guess, he is very content with how things are, she is at the end of her tether...

[Grisho]

I don't think it matters how the division of labour breaks down outside of the home in general. When both parties are at home, they should be helping with work in the home, in my opinion. Nobody should be ignoring jobs at home, thinking the other party should do everything. If one sees a job needs to be done, one does it (wipe the table, put clothes in the washing machine, go and get milk etc), or helps the person doing it (dishes, hang up washing, change the bed linen etc) - that's the essence of teamwork. I don't prescribe to list-making. Adults need to help around the home willingly, regardless of what they are doing outside of the home. Taking care of the home is 1 way in which both parties show their appreciation for their relationship and life together.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think it matters how the division of labour breaks down outside of the home in general. When both parties are at home, they should be helping with work in the home, in my opinion. Nobody should be ignoring jobs at home, thinking the other party should do everything. If one sees a job needs to be done, one does it (wipe the table, put clothes in the washing machine, go and get milk etc), or helps the person doing it (dishes, hang up washing, change the bed linen etc) - that's the essence of teamwork. I don't prescribe to list-making. Adults need to help around the home willingly, regardless of what they are doing outside of the home. Taking care of the home is 1 way in which both parties show their appreciation for their relationship and life together.

 

Beautifully put.

[five2nine]

I just don't know how it went on for so long without bothering you until now. You're living together now. It's not like you started dating him yesterday. So he has always been like this most likely, it's just something you chose to ignore. I would have been turned off from the beginning. You can't really get with someone and expect them to change. This is how he is. You can either deal with it or move on.

[preraph]

I don't think it matters how the division of labour breaks down outside of the home in general. When both parties are at home, they should be helping with work in the home, in my opinion. Nobody should be ignoring jobs at home, thinking the other party should do everything. If one sees a job needs to be done, one does it (wipe the table, put clothes in the washing machine, go and get milk etc), or helps the person doing it (dishes, hang up washing, change the bed linen etc) - that's the essence of teamwork. I don't prescribe to list-making. Adults need to help around the home willingly, regardless of what they are doing outside of the home. Taking care of the home is 1 way in which both parties show their appreciation for their relationship and life together.

 

Or share the expense of a maid. I hate housework myself, so I'm sure not about to clean up someone else's mess.

[KatZee]

I think it's amusing to see posters pointing the finger at someone about being lazy and not making good use of time as we all are here wasting time posting on an internet forum!

 

I admit I'm being lazy right now. Any others?

 

You trying to link OP's man-child problem, and the fact that some of us are on here are not even comparable.

 

He wastes time while there is still house hold chores, laundry, school work, and other real life things happening.

 

Yes, I'm on LoveShack right now, after I worked an entire 9-5 day, went to the gym, made dinner, straightened up my apartment, ran some errands.

 

No one is saying you can't have downtime. But it is NOT acceptable to be on downtime while you neglect all other aspects of your life, and act like a child.

[Els]

No, I disagree. To use a hypothetical; if he is paying off her student loans and keeping a crappy job because it pays more so he can do it, then that would be a situation, in my opinion, where she should pick up the slack in the home.

 

When you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras (well, unless you live in Africa...). That is a HUGE jump of logic to make. That's like someone posting about his wife never being interested in spending time or having sex with him and going out daily to meet another guy, and me saying, "Well, we don't know what the real situation is, she might not be in the wrong. Maybe the guy a high-ranking mafia member and she can't ditch him because she's afraid he'll kill all her loved ones and she can't tell you because she was ordered not to. Or maybe she's actually a secret agent and hasn't told you about it yet." Yes technically all of that is 'possible' but it's extremely unlikely and not really the first conclusion that should be reasonably jumped to.

 

Going by your logic nobody can ever comment on any post here because you can never know for sure that you have 100% of the story.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Elswyth

[Els]

I just don't know how it went on for so long without bothering you until now. You're living together now. It's not like you started dating him yesterday. So he has always been like this most likely, it's just something you chose to ignore. I would have been turned off from the beginning. You can't really get with someone and expect them to change. This is how he is. You can either deal with it or move on.

 

I do agree with this, why did you even move in with him knowing the situation with his mother?? Lessons to learn for the future...

[bachdude]

You trying to link OP's man-child problem, and the fact that some of us are on here are not even comparable.

 

He wastes time while there is still house hold chores, laundry, school work, and other real life things happening.

 

Yes, I'm on LoveShack right now, after I worked an entire 9-5 day, went to the gym, made dinner, straightened up my apartment, ran some errands.

 

No one is saying you can't have downtime. But it is NOT acceptable to be on downtime while you neglect all other aspects of your life, and act like a child.

 

It was really just meant as a funny comment and not even directed towards all. Many of the posters here do spend a lot of time on this forum, however.

 

And I have the suspicion you haven't seen my other posts and at this point i would just be repeating myself.

 

But I summarize,

 

WHAT IS THE DIVISION OF LABOR HERE? I WITHHOLD JUDGEMENT UNTIL THE OP ANSWERS THIS QUESTION. THAT'S ALL I AM SAYING.

 

Thank you.

[seespotdance]

Answering questions about him first:

1. His job is demanding, but it doesn't apply to his career. He's a shift leader at a grocery store.

2. We divide bills evenly. This is his house and his mortgage, so we don't split that, but I do give him about 1/5th of it. If I left, he would be pinching pennies.

3. I take care of outside at all times because he can't tolerate heat. I am also more or less the only person cleaning. If I ask him a few times he will kind of unload the dishhwasher.

4. He really didn't used to be like this. For the first year if this, we pretty much shared the house work. I don't like cleaning the kitchen, so I'd cook, and he'd clean the kitchen while I vacuumed or something.

5. He is not depressed. He doesn't even understand the concept of it. (We actually had a conversation about it.)

6. I work two jobs amounting to about 45 to 50 hours a week.

7. Neither of us want to get married.

8. I will admit I'm an enabler. I just don't know how to address any of the problems. I fell guilty, because I'm living in his house, but I'm paying bills, but it's still his house so I feel bad demanding things of him, but at the same time I just... I don't know!

9. I would like to point out that I am 23 and he is 31. Probably more relevant for him.

[Toodaloo]

Answering questions about him first:

1. His job is demanding, but it doesn't apply to his career. He's a shift leader at a grocery store.

2. We divide bills evenly. This is his house and his mortgage, so we don't split that, but I do give him about 1/5th of it. If I left, he would be pinching pennies.

3. I take care of outside at all times because he can't tolerate heat. I am also more or less the only person cleaning. If I ask him a few times he will kind of unload the dishhwasher.

4. He really didn't used to be like this. For the first year if this, we pretty much shared the house work. I don't like cleaning the kitchen, so I'd cook, and he'd clean the kitchen while I vacuumed or something.

5. He is not depressed. He doesn't even understand the concept of it. (We actually had a conversation about it.)

6. I work two jobs amounting to about 45 to 50 hours a week.

7. Neither of us want to get married.

8. I will admit I'm an enabler. I just don't know how to address any of the problems. I fell guilty, because I'm living in his house, but I'm paying bills, but it's still his house so I feel bad demanding things of him, but at the same time I just... I don't know!

9. I would like to point out that I am 23 and he is 31. Probably more relevant for him.

 

You are an enabler and he is complacent.

 

Mean while you get more angry as it festers...

 

tell him straight to pull his weight or get out of there now before it gets worse.

 

I am going to be very blunt here.

 

Sounds to me as though you two are house mates rather than lovers. That really isn't good and usually leads to one or other having an affair, or it going on for years and going no where and it all getting messy when it does eventually end.

 

Good luck with what ever you decide.

[VeveCakes]

31, never going to change. Married one, you can't motivate someone who doesn't give a damn. Either accept it or move on. I moved on.

[seespotdance]

I know I need to address it, but how? What do I sat to him? I'm a very anxious person; I hate confrontation. I'm not good at verbalizing my thoughts on the spot. I can sit here and write effectively, but I'm terrible at actually talking.

[preraph]

If you aren't even comfortable communicating with him, this isn't a match. Just tell him you're leaving and move out. He's not likely going to change for longer than a month anyway.

[Redhead14]

Answering questions about him first:

1. His job is demanding, but it doesn't apply to his career. He's a shift leader at a grocery store.

2. We divide bills evenly. This is his house and his mortgage, so we don't split that, but I do give him about 1/5th of it. If I left, he would be pinching pennies.

3. I take care of outside at all times because he can't tolerate heat. I am also more or less the only person cleaning. If I ask him a few times he will kind of unload the dishhwasher.

4. He really didn't used to be like this. For the first year if this, we pretty much shared the house work. I don't like cleaning the kitchen, so I'd cook, and he'd clean the kitchen while I vacuumed or something.

5. He is not depressed. He doesn't even understand the concept of it. (We actually had a conversation about it.)

6. I work two jobs amounting to about 45 to 50 hours a week.

7. Neither of us want to get married.

8. I will admit I'm an enabler. I just don't know how to address any of the problems. I fell guilty, because I'm living in his house, but I'm paying bills, but it's still his house so I feel bad demanding things of him, but at the same time I just... I don't know!

9. I would like to point out that I am 23 and he is 31. Probably more relevant for him.

 

How long had you two been together before moving in?

 

Essentially, I think he's still living like he's a bachelor and, although, you aren't married or going to be married, you have assumed the role of wife. It's apparently a "committed" relationship in terms of spirit.

 

So, I would sit down with him and point all that out and say that he isn't a bachelor anymore, there are two of you in this now and so there needs to be more shared roles and more attention to you . . . You sitting there waiting to eat get something to eat while he is playing a video game isn't making you a priority. He has a problem with priorities especially since he could have been finished with his degree 3 years ago. If he intends to be a perpetual "student" to put off paying on student loans, that's gonna be a big deal later.

 

8. I will admit I'm an enabler. I just don't know how to address any of the problems. I fell guilty, because I'm living in his house, but I'm paying bills, but it's still his house so I feel bad demanding things of him, but at the same time I just... I don't know!

 

You don't demand, you calmly sit down with him, explain your position and ask/negotiate for what you want . . .

 

Don't let this guy treat you like a wife while behaving like he's still a bachelor. The way this is coming off to me, is that you are a boarder in his home, paying partial rent/utilities and subsidizing it by working off the difference.

[elaine567]

4. He really didn't used to be like this. For the first year if this, we pretty much shared the house work. I don't like cleaning the kitchen, so I'd cook, and he'd clean the kitchen while I vacuumed or something..

 

This is textbook, if I had a pound for every time I heard this story...

Suddenly from being in what you thought was a equal partnership, a team, you are the "wife" and he never lifts a hand to do anything, as it is not his job...

He won't change, it will just get worse, especially when you have kids.

There is usually a reason older men look for young women, sometimes it is about looks but often it is about power.

[ChickiePops]

I will also bring my perspective on this. Like Bachdude says, I need more info. This thread reminds me eerily of a previous relationship of mine, where my ex called me childish because I enjoy playing video games. She also complained that she did a majority of the housework, which I admit she did, even though the majority of the housework she did still amounted to very little. The reason for this was very simple, I paid all of the bills. I am sorry, but when one person pays pretty much zero of the financial obligations, they can at least pick up pretty much all of the housework obligations. If someone wants me to share in the household duties, that's fine, but they better not get upset when I expect to share the bills with them.

 

As to the mother doing laundry, I don't think much of it. Some mothers are just like that, they enjoy doing things for their kids. Sometimes easier to let mom do her thing than it is to argue and do it yourself. And for the record, I do my own laundry, even when I am in a relationship.

 

A mommy coming over to do laundry for a 31 year old man is creepy. It will never not be creepy. It's almost as creepy as a 31 year old man who still lives with his mommy.

[elaine567]

A mommy coming over to do laundry for a 31 year old man is creepy. It will never not be creepy. It's almost as creepy as a 31 year old man who still lives with his mommy.

 

That in itself is a huge red flag. He treats his mother as a servant and whilst no doubt she is so willing to do that for her little boy, it sets up his expectations as to what women are "supposed to do" for him in a relationship.

[DramaInPajamas]

That in itself is a huge red flag. He treats his mother as a servant and whilst no doubt she is so willing to do that for her little boy, it sets up his expectations as to what women are "supposed to do" for him in a relationship.

 

His mother doing his laundry isnt that bad if I am honest.

 

I have seen the most appalling lazy behavior from some people Ive known over the years. In my last job, one of the women there was 38. Her husbands parents lived with her and her husband. So his parents did the housework, the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, they also made her lunch every single day for work, they also cared for the two children (one of them only a baby) all day, took them to doctors appointments and basically were in loco parentis. She frequently went out with her husband at night, leaving the husbands parents babysitting again. I mean two retired people over 60, surely dont want to be responsible for raising another family when they have already raised their own children.

 

Another colleague of mine was 29 and lived with her husband and his parents to save money. They lived rent free, got their lunches made and their meals cooked and their laundry done, etc etc etc.

 

I mean those two examples are just disgustingly lazy. They should take responsibility for their own lives and not still depend on parents or parents in law for everything they do.

 

Doing his laundry isnt that bad compared to some of the lazy behavior Ive seen where they literally do nothing and pay nothing.

Edited August 5, 2016 by DramaInPajamas

[Grisho]

I will also bring my perspective on this. Like Bachdude says, I need more info. This thread reminds me eerily of a previous relationship of mine, where my ex called me childish because I enjoy playing video games. She also complained that she did a majority of the housework, which I admit she did, even though the majority of the housework she did still amounted to very little. The reason for this was very simple, I paid all of the bills. I am sorry, but when one person pays pretty much zero of the financial obligations, they can at least pick up pretty much all of the housework obligations. If someone wants me to share in the household duties, that's fine, but they better not get upset when I expect to share the bills with them.

 

As to the mother doing laundry, I don't think much of it. Some mothers are just like that, they enjoy doing things for their kids. Sometimes easier to let mom do her thing than it is to argue and do it yourself. And for the record, I do my own laundry, even when I am in a relationship.

 

Paying bills doesn't enable anyone to be lazy at home. Money is of no relevance. That's why relationships fall apart when people think their only duty to their relationship is to earn money. You should have been contributing to the housework with physical work, and you should have done it willingly. I can't stress strongly enough that no healthy relationship will ever come about when 1 partner is doing all the chores at home. A healthy relationship grows in a healthy environment, where the home and relationship are taken care of by both, and both work together on day-to-day boring jobs at home, as well as the nice things like intimacy and experiences.

 

Looking after the home is everyone's duty, inclusive of any chore. No partner gets to sit back and leave chores to the other in a healthy relationship. Your ex-partner was completely right to object to being treated so poorly by you.

[Grisho]

A mommy coming over to do laundry for a 31 year old man is creepy. It will never not be creepy. It's almost as creepy as a 31 year old man who still lives with his mommy.

 

I don't think it's creepy at all. I find it inappropriate, and indicative of a person not growing into an adult and realising that their relationship with their parent should have changed, if they had grown into an adult.

 

 

My boyfriend was raised doing nothing around the house. When he's in his childhood home, that remains the case still. I am objecting to this very strongly. He is not allowed to behave like that in my home, but I see the problem as bigger that that - I want his mentality to change, so he realises that he should be willingly helping with chores, wherever he is, and regardless of if I am there. Helping with chores is a diuty we all have, and important because it reflects appreciation of the home and people in it.

[bachdude]

I think he definitely needs to do his fair share of the house work. And since you are even keeping up the outside, he can do more inside the house.

 

 

He's not living by himself any more so he needs to be considerate of you.

 

 

You say he wasn't like this before so I think it is quite fixable.

 

 

So I would have a talk with him about your concerns. I suggest firm yet respectful.