I am dating a man child

[KatZee]

I feel like you're talking about one of my ex's; and this was precisely the reason I broke up with him.

 

He was terrible. I mean, not terrible TO ME, but just terrible in general. He was a grown adult and I had to be like, OK can you go shower now, you stink. OK, can you wash your clothes, your clothes smell. (He never did, he would bring it home for mommy to do.) His hygiene was awful. On top of never washing his clothes, he'd let his toe nails grow to epic lengths, never cleaned his ears with Q-tips, and other stuff that I'm just too grossed out about looking back on.

 

How can you date someone like this? I wasn't trying to be his mother. I wanted to be a girlfriend, I wanted to be with a MAN who turned me on, not a child I had to baby and order around. I can't stand beta males, or males who are overgrown toddlers. Biggest turn off of life.

[bachdude]

How is OP's post not adequate evidence? She said she's taking care of the house inside and out. This entire post was made because his household responsibilities are taken care of by people other than him.

 

Based on your previous posts, it doesn't surprise me that you require an answer to a question that was clearly addressed in the original post. Lack of basic reading comprehension skills. I see it all the time with my freshman students.

 

It's an easy question to answer. It's because she hasn't indicated what her responsibilities are OUTSIDE THE HOME. That is what I have been asking, Jewel. And I have stated it several times! He may be a slacker. I have no idea. But unlike you, I dig a little deeper for information before reaching a conclusion. It's that crazy little thing called "critical thinking".

[Dark Horse]

Man reading these threads gives me a lot of insight. Thanks.

[Els]

I'd like to know how many of you have had to write a thesis? It's extremely time consuming and can be difficult to finish when you are working full time, especially if your job is draining, as the OP had said.

 

 

He has an undergrad degree and he has a job where it sounds like he works hard.

 

 

Before I would go recommending she leave this guy, I would like to know the answers to my questions above.

 

 

I have. I still did my own damn laundry and washed my own damn plates instead of asking mummy or SO to do it, because I'm an adult for chrissakes. And how is that an excuse for making her wait AN HOUR for dinner so he can finish a game? If he doesn't want to quit a game halfway, maybe don't start one so close to the time they planned to meet?

 

OP, this guy is likely bad news if you want anything long-term. If you just want to date then that's fine, but if you ever move in together you will certainly end up playing second mommy to him. I mean, he can't even operate the dishwasher in his own house?? No, no, no. Red flags all around.

 

Edit: Uh, I just read that you already live together?? How is his mum still doing his laundry.....? Does she come over and do it for him??? That's absolutely crazy.

Edited August 4, 2016 by Elswyth

[JewelD]

It's an easy question to answer. It's because she hasn't indicated what her responsibilities are OUTSIDE THE HOME. That is what I have been asking, Jewel. And I have stated it several times! He may be a slacker. I have no idea. But unlike you, I dig a little deeper for information before reaching a conclusion. It's that crazy little thing called "critical thinking".

 

Okay, you're obviously a man-child as well. It doesn't matter what she does outside the home, they BOTH live there, he should be helping out too. You can continuously make excuses for wack men, doesn't mean everyone else has to agree with you or that we're lacking 'evidence'. You're not a homicide detective, you're a user on a message board. Take it down a notch, this isn't The First 48. Meanwhile, this conversation between us is done. Goodbye.

[KatZee]

I'd like to know how many of you have had to write a thesis? It's extremely time consuming and can be difficult to finish when you are working full time, especially if your job is draining, as the OP had said.

 

 

He has an undergrad degree and he has a job where it sounds like he works hard.

 

 

Before I would go recommending she leave this guy, I would like to know the answers to my questions above.

 

I wrote one. While working, going to school, caring for a pet, taking care of my apartment and myself.

 

On top of that, his thesis can't be all THAT time consuming if he has time to sit around being a slob playing video games for over an hour. That hour could have been used constructively, you know, like an adult.

 

If I was OP I would have left his a.ss on the couch and gone to dinner myself. That's absolutely ridiculous.

[Els]

BachDude made a very good suggestion -

 

Division of Labor --- if you live with him, why not get a white board and divide up chores? Basic things can be easily divided up.

 

You can't get too upset if there hasn't been an effort to split chores and find some middle ground.

 

I don't know... this might work on the surface, but it's very, very, very difficult to change the core of a person who is still letting his mum come over to do his laundry well into adulthood and who has never operated a dishwasher before (or never washed dishes, if he didn't have a dishwasher growing up). It's not that easy to change habits that have been ingrained since childhood.

 

I guess I'd equate it to getting a relationship to work after someone cheats... sure it's possible with a lot of effort and dedication I guess, but on the other hand it's something that you will likely battle with for life if you stay with that person, so if you haven't been together for too long and don't have kids together or anything it might be smartest to bail right away.

[bachdude]

Okay, you're obviously a man-child as well. It doesn't matter what she does outside the home, they BOTH live there, he should be helping out too. You can continuously make excuses for wack men, doesn't mean everyone else has to agree with you or that we're lacking 'evidence'. You're not a homicide detective, you're a user on a message board. Take it down a notch, this isn't The First 48. Meanwhile, this conversation between us is done. Goodbye.

 

Thank goodness!!

 

And for anyone else reading...

 

I think it does matter what she does outside the home and what is their division of labor.

 

I remember vividly working my a@% off, paying all the bills, living with a women who didn't work outside the home, and without any children to take care of, who complained about helping me out around the house. In my situation the woman I was with had only herself to take care of. I, on the other hand, was taking care of all her bills (and there were plenty of those!!). I was shouldering and thereby shielding her from financial stress.

 

BTW, I'm not saying this is the OP's situation.

 

So yes, in my opinion, it is important to find out from the OP what are her other responsibilities outside the home. Does she only have herself to take care of? Is he paying her bills, etc?

 

Why is this important? They may have not even communicated about this. He may be assuming she should be doing this for him, not because he is a mama's boy but because he feels he has taken on more responsibilities for her.

 

Again, I have no idea. That is why i am asking. He may be a slacker! But I guess some already have their mind's made up.

Edited August 4, 2016 by bachdude

[Els]

Thank goodness!!

 

And for anyone else reading...

 

I think it does matter what she does outside the home and what is their division of labor.

 

I remember vividly working my a@% off, paying all the bills, living with a women who didn't work outside the home, and without any children to take care of, who complained about helping me out around the house. In my situation the woman I was with had only herself to take care of. I, on the other hand, was taking care of all her bills (and there were plenty of those!!). I was shouldering and thereby shielding her from financial stress.

 

BTW, I'm not saying this is the OP's situation.

 

So yes, in my opinion, it is important to find out from the OP what are her other responsibilities outside the home. Does she only have herself to take care of? Is he paying her bills, etc?

 

Why is this important? They may have not even communicated about this. He may be assuming she should be doing this for him, not because he is a mama's boy but because he feels he has taken on more responsibilities for her.

 

Again, I have no idea. That is why i am asking. He may be a slacker! But I guess some already have their mind's made up.

 

We are talking about someone who lets his MOTHER do his laundry all the time as an adult! That says a lot about a person, and frankly there is no excuse for letting that happen unless you are disabled or severely ill. We're not just talking about a couple that has an arrangement where she handles all the housework and he is the sole breadwinner.

[SpiralOut]

You have the following options:

 

1) Have ongoing "we need to talk" conversations. Nag as necessary.

2) Do nothing. Just get used to it.

3) Break up with him.

 

There is no magical solution that will cause him to change.

[DramaInPajamas]

We are talking about someone who lets his MOTHER do his laundry all the time as an adult! That says a lot about a person, and frankly there is no excuse for letting that happen unless you are disabled or severely ill. We're not just talking about a couple that has an arrangement where she handles all the housework and he is the sole breadwinner.

 

I dont know about let her.

 

When I lived with my mom, I had to move back for a little while when my job went bust, she took charge of everything.

 

She is so controlling. She just takes my laundry and does it. She is mad about conserving energy and didnt want me using the washer programmes that are long. She will only use the programmes that are very short to save power.

 

But she has her plasma TV on all day though.

 

For example when I came home from a night out with friends, I had spilled a small amount of a pink cocktail on my dress. It was a white dress and the first time I had worn it. It was also delicate fabric. I mentioned to my mom, I would wash it tomorrow and she went off saying I didnt need to wash the whole dress what a waste of power, just wash the stain off the front and I said no, Im washing it tomorrow.

 

I get up late on Sunday alone in the house as Mom is out. Go downstairs, make a drink and then remember my dress. I go to deal with it MYSELF and I find she has taken it upon herself to deal with the stain by using a very harsh stain remover. The pink stain hadnt come off, it had instead turned yellow and then I couldn't get the yellow off. I managed to get most of it off by using a gentle detergent but not all of it.

 

I went absolutely mad with her for ignoring me and ruining my new clothes when I said I would wash it myself and told her to butt out and leave my clothes alone. I asked what the heck she thought I did when I didnt live with her....yup I washed my own clothes.

 

Some mothers are ridiculously controlling and wont leave anything alone and think they can do everything better than their adult children.

[Els]

I dont know about let her.

 

When I lived with my mom, I had to move back for a little while when my job went bust, she took charge of everything.

 

She is so controlling. She just takes my laundry and does it. She is mad about conserving energy and didnt want me using the washer programmes that are long. She will only use the programmes that are very short to save power.

 

But she has her plasma TV on all day though.

 

For example when I came home from a night out with friends, I had spilled a small amount of a pink cocktail on my dress. It was a white dress and the first time I had worn it. It was also delicate fabric. I mentioned to my mom, I would wash it tomorrow and she went off saying I didnt need to wash the whole dress what a waste of power, just wash the stain off the front and I said no, Im washing it tomorrow.

 

I get up late on Sunday alone in the house as Mom is out. Go downstairs, make a drink and then remember my dress. I go to deal with it MYSELF and I find she has taken it upon herself to deal with the stain by using a very harsh stain remover. The pink stain hadnt come off, it had instead turned yellow and then I couldn't get the yellow off. I managed to get most of it off by using a gentle detergent but not all of it.

 

I went absolutely mad with her for ignoring me and ruining my new clothes when I said I would wash it myself and told her to butt out and leave my clothes alone. I asked what the heck she thought I did when I didnt live with her....yup I washed my own clothes.

 

Some mothers are ridiculously controlling and wont leave anything alone and think they can do everything better than their adult children.

 

The OP said they live together and he 'still' has his mom doing his laundry. I don't see how that isn't 'letting her', when he's not even living in the same place as her.

 

I agree with you that some parents are controlling, but adults are expected to try and put up boundaries against that stuff. It sounds like the OP's bf is happily going along for the ride, not dissenting at all, but we'll let her clarify that.

[bachdude]

We are talking about someone who lets his MOTHER do his laundry all the time as an adult! That says a lot about a person, and frankly there is no excuse for letting that happen unless you are disabled or severely ill. We're not just talking about a couple that has an arrangement where she handles all the housework and he is the sole breadwinner.

 

It's between him and his Mom. But yes, it's odd at his age.

 

If he is used to having all the cooking, cleaning, etc done for him, it still becomes irrelevant in my book if he is shouldering the majority of the work outside the home.

 

And if it is true that he does the majority of the work outside the home, then his GF can be happy she has some help with laundry!

 

Again, I have no idea if this is true. I just want to know more info before I give my opinion.

 

I am ready and willing to jump on the "manchild" bandwagon if they split bills evenly, etc.

[Els]

It's between him and his Mom. But yes, it's odd at his age.

 

If he is used to having all the cooking, cleaning, etc done for him, it still becomes irrelevant in my book if he is shouldering the majority of the work outside the home.

 

It's about the mentality involved - it shows what sort of person he is. Like how people treat waiters... technically if someone is rude to a waiter it's 'between them and the waiter', but we can (and absolutely should, IMO) judge people based on their interactions with others.

[BlueIris]

How do I confront him about this? What do I say? I don't want to offend him, but I don't want to break up either. I love him even though he's a doofus.

Guh. I'm getting to the end of my line tho.

 

You can love someone and still not be able to live with him. But if you want to stay, tell him that he needs to start being a partner in the home- cleaning up after himself, not zoning out in front of screens. Maybe even say that feeling like a mom or maid is just not sexy.

It is possible, though, that he wants a mom and maid and isn't ready to be an equal partner to a woman so even your telling him these things might not change his lifestyle and outlook. If that's the case, you'll have to decide whether you want to live like this.

[elaine567]

Nobody in 2016 is entitled to a woman being the servant in the relationship, pandering to his wishes and keeping him comfortable to her own detriment.

No matter how hard the man works, he needs to be able to take care of himself.

This man is acting like a liability here.

 

Dating is about finding people you are compatible with, this man is not going to change one iota, he may even get worse.

So it is up to the OP to decide if she can live with that long term and if not then she needs to bail sooner rather than later.

Love only works if it is mutual, one sided love usually breeds anger and resentment.

 

"There Comes A Time When You Have To Stop Crossing Oceans For People Who Wouldn't Jump A Puddle For You."

[bachdude]

It's about the mentality involved - it shows what sort of person he is. Like how people treat waiters... technically if someone is rude to a waiter it's 'between them and the waiter', but we can (and absolutely should, IMO) judge people based on their interactions with others.

 

We all think of scenarios based on our own experiences and what is plausible or not.

 

For example, dramainpajamas shared an experience of her controlling Mom doing her laundry.

 

And I'm thinking of my experience with the uneven distribution of labor and her calling me a mamas boy (see my post above if interested at all). In that situation, my parents helped me out because they could see I was beaten down and a bit depressed.

 

We all have our own perspective to bear on the situation.

[Toodaloo]

You have the following options:

 

1) Have ongoing "we need to talk" conversations. Nag as necessary.

2) Do nothing. Just get used to it.

3) Break up with him.

 

There is no magical solution that will cause him to change.

 

When I dated a man child I tried all three options above. OK so he didn't have a thesis to write but he did have work.

 

1. made me feel awful and like a total nag so I got really stressed

2. made me feel unappreciated and undervalued and I got really stressed

3. worked and I felt much happier and far less stressed... oh and the house was cleaner...

 

On the subject of the thesis... I have a cousin who was given two years (no work) to write hers... it didn't happen... she has been give three annual extensions to get it done and its still not done. Only now she has a full time job... She has been given 4 weeks paid off from that job to write it and she came back with some lovely photos of Snowdonia and was very relaxed but still no Thesis...

[bachdude]

I think it's amusing to see posters pointing the finger at someone about being lazy and not making good use of time as we all are here wasting time posting on an internet forum!

 

I admit I'm being lazy right now. Any others?

[DramaInPajamas]

I think it's amusing to see posters pointing the finger at someone about being lazy and not making good use of time as we all are here wasting time posting on an internet forum!

 

I admit I'm being lazy right now. Any others?

 

Quite.

 

He is lazy for video games. What f ing difference.

[Cherryz]

If its momma boy issues its his mothers fault first of.

And you knew how he was way before. So why cry about it now?

No one forced you to be with him.

 

And reading some of the post, i do think there are signs of depression.

You need to have adult talk with him. About this stuff.

So he can get a therapist and also start helping around.

 

If he a momma boy beside this, it may be that he wont change 100%.

But maybe a bit.

 

At least adres the issues and give him time to work on it. And find ways toghater how to solve the issues and the real issues. But know that he dont want to do the work

nothing will happen.

And maybe part of his issues is also much deeper then what you see.

[BlueIris]

I think there is a hidden gender bashing in many of the responses here. As soon as there is a hint of a guy not doing the dishes the conclusion is an immediate, GUILTY.

 

You have no idea if he has his a$% in gear because you have no idea what their arrangement is for the payment of bills, how much work is done outside the home, etc.

 

He maybe paying off her student loans. You have no idea. And neither do I.

 

If someone has the greater responsibility OUTSIDE the home, whether male or female, the other ought to have greater responsibility IN the home.

 

More info is needed.

 

I don't think so. This isn't a gender issue. There are messy lazy women too. And there are posts on LS from men who get annoyed about their wives or GFs laziness. So long as both are working jobs outside the home there is no contest about who works harder. But bottom line is, don't expect an equal respectful relationship if it's premised on contests and power-struggles over who is more oppressed or exhausted.

[bachdude]

I don't think so. This isn't a gender issue. There are messy lazy women too. And there are posts on LS from men who get annoyed about their wives or GFs laziness. So long as both are working jobs outside the home there is no contest about who works harder. But bottom line is, don't expect an equal respectful relationship if it's premised on contests and power-struggles over who is more oppressed or exhausted.

 

No, I disagree. To use a hypothetical; if he is paying off her student loans and keeping a crappy job because it pays more so he can do it, then that would be a situation, in my opinion, where she should pick up the slack in the home.

 

Again, I need more info here. But I wonder if the OP is going to return.

[losangelena]

6. I am starving and I've been waiting for an hour for him to stop playing his game so we can go out to eat.

 

I'm not going to comment on the rest of this, aside to say that there are a lot of adults who refuse to get their "adult" ish together. I live with a woman who's a tenure-track, about-to-be-published, university professor who's applying for her second Fulbright (read: very accomplished), who yet hates doing her dishes and absolutely refuses to clean any floor of any kind. It happens. Propensity or lack thereof to "keep house" is not always synonymous with "adultness."

 

(For the record, I would be annoyed, too, just to clarify)

 

However, OP, on this point above, I would say—don't wait for your BF. If he makes you wait an hour and you're hungry, leave. Go get food yourself. If he sees you making your way through the door, he may perk up and notice that you're leaving. Actions do speak louder than words here. If he can't detach himself from his game in a timely manner, your absence when he finally pries his eyes away from his screen will hopefully make a bigger impression that you sitting down and having a conversation with him. SHOW him what you're willing to tolerate. For heaven's sake, do something; don't sit around sulking silently in the corner.

[Bialy]

Re-reading the post, it sounds like he's just not motivated in life --- and he doesn't have any true passions to take his mind away from the drudgery of his current job. Instead, he's going down the route of vegetating.

 

You need to have a discussion with him -- express concern about what you see -- his health and the way he's just going through the motions.

 

Does he look forward to anything? Do you two have plans to look forward to? The OP needs to be a stronger partner in some respects --- when you see your love going in a downward spiral --- approach them with concern and love...

 

Talk about division of chores... Talk about how things could be better in his life --- it sounds like he is chronically dissatisfied with his life.