I am dating a man child

[seespotdance]

So I realized the other day, when I got home from work, that I am dating a man child. Not in the cute "he likes video games", "he likes to snuggle", young boy type man child.

I am dating the type of man child who needs me to ask him to do the dishwasher in his own house. The kind who doesn't know where his own bowls go in the cabinet. Who still has his mom doing his laundry. Who can't do anything for himself and has no ambition to.

/sighs

How do I address this? I've know about it for a little while, but it kind of hit me the other day how bad it is, and now it's really getting on my nerves. We live together, by the way, so I am taking care of the house right now, inside and out.

This is a really long story so I'll outline it quickly.

1. We've been dating for the better part of two years.

2. He is one thesis away from having a Masters in Engineering. If he'd have finished it, he would have had it about 3 years ago.

3. He hates his job. It really takes it out of him.

4. All he really does is work, play cards, play video games, play phone games, and eat.

5. He doesn't take care of himself. He has health insurance, and has for a long time, but he doesn't have a primary physician because he hasn't felt like looking.

6. I am starving and I've been waiting for an hour for him to stop playing his game so we can go out to eat.

7. There's so much to this story.

 

How do I confront him about this? What do I say? I don't want to offend him, but I don't want to break up either. I love him even though he's a doofus.

Guh. I'm getting to the end of my line tho.

[gorf]

I love him even though he's a doofus.

HAHAHAH!!! That just got me C:

 

But seriously, you need to sit him down and give him a good verbal slap. Someone has to, no better person than you.

[No_Go]

Also I do feel like you're mad at him because he's late for dinner right now Look at your post after dinner and tell me if you agree. I've written a similar topic (something for lack of attention, not my man-child thread) once when my BF was watching politics instead of talking for my day (I mean this particular evening when I posted the thread )

[leogirl876]

How do you handle this? It's simple, RUN!!! He won't change, he'll only get worse the older he gets! The way I see it is if I wanted a son, I'd go out and get myself pregnant and raise one from birth, not one adulthood!

[deep_night]

aw man, it's sweet that you love him so much, but the list of things to fix is so long! are u sure that trying to fix him is a good strategy? the practical part of my brain thinks it's not :/

[bachdude]

I'm just wondering, have you two sat down and had a good talk on division of labor? You mention he has a difficult job. Do you also work outside the home? Do you divide up the bills?

[basil67]

All of the problems from unfinished thesis to not thinking to clean plates have the same cause: lack of motivation. For him to become a motivated person would require him to completely change. Of course, it nearly impossible to change a person.

 

As for the cause of the motivation loss, it's probably just ingrained laziness. However, it could be worth considering if he's suffering from depression. Depression and lack of motivation go hand in hand.

[jazzyhands89]

I would have broken up with this person a while ago. Everyone has their moments where they get like this but a consistent pattern heck no

[bachdude]

I'd like to know how many of you have had to write a thesis? It's extremely time consuming and can be difficult to finish when you are working full time, especially if your job is draining, as the OP had said.

 

 

He has an undergrad degree and he has a job where it sounds like he works hard.

 

 

Before I would go recommending she leave this guy, I would like to know the answers to my questions above.

[neowulf]

In the end, people have to understand that you can't change people.

 

They can only change themselves.

 

In my experience, this is usually how this pans out;

 

You mention the problem and how it affects you.

He becomes defensive about it, and lashes back

An argument ensues

You both cool off, he says he'll "try harder"

Time passes, nothing changes.

 

All of us have strengths and weaknesses. Things we struggle with, things we find easy. It seems to me that staying on top of domestics is something he struggles with.

 

So the question is, can you accept that, while he could certainly improve, he may never really be "great" at this kind of thing.

 

Can you offer him assistance to feel in the gaps he struggles with? Are you willing to?

[preraph]

Look, bad news here. You can either be the one who nags him and ends up being his mother figure (sounds like you already are because of him not helping out) and then him leaving because that's not sexy, or you can dump him and let someone else either put up with it or be the one who gets dumped for being his parent, but I will tell you that in 63 years I have never seen a man change just to save the relationship. Half of them are only in the relationship for sex and housekeeping and food to begin with. Many still think that's your role.

 

My friend went to counseling because of this issue. The psychologist told her she's not handling it correctly, that she should only mention something needs to be done once and then just shut up and stand back and wait. That didn't work. He didn't care if it ever got done or not. He wasn't a bad guy, but he had no goals either and was happy just being a slacker for the rest of his life and that was 25 years ago and yes, he's still a slacker and has hooked up with another slacker. They either end up with someone who will do it all for them and shut up about it (which usually only lasts until she has a baby) or with another slacker.

 

Do not waste you time on him. No one should have to live like that. Get out now and save yourself a lot of trouble.

[DramaInPajamas]

2. He is one thesis away from having a Masters in Engineering. If he'd have finished it, he would have had it about 3 years ago.

3. He hates his job. It really takes it out of him.

4. All he really does is work, play cards, play video games, play phone games, and eat.

5. He doesn't take care of himself. He has health insurance, and has for a long time, but he doesn't have a primary physician because he hasn't felt like looking.

6. I am starving and I've been waiting for an hour for him to stop playing his game so we can go out to eat.

 

Working full time in a job he hates and that takes it out of him while writing a masters thesis.

 

Maybe he only plays cards, video games and phone games and eats because he is too tired to do anything else after working a hard job and trying to finish a thesis. Would you like him to learn Latin and Greek and take up fencing, horse riding or another hobby you deem more suitable? He can do what he wants with his leisure time.

 

The not taking care of himself ties in with his burn out and over work. I've been there. Too dog tired to care for myself.

 

You actually sit and wait for him to finish his games. For an hour? Get your a$$ up and make your food or go alone and get it. Just leave him.

 

I think he needs some help not ridicule.

 

What do you do for a living?

[JewelD]

I'm currently writing a thesis and working but I still clean my house. So do my colleagues. The people who don't just choose to be lazy and nasty. If he's got time to play video games, he's got time to help her out.

 

I dated a dude like that before. Stuck on his mama's teat, and part of it was her fault bc she allowed it and never tried to teach him how to do anything.

 

So your options are to teach him how to look after himself, which is time consuming and a pain in the butt, especially if he doesn't really want to.

 

Or, you could just end it if he seems he isn't going to change. I think this is a common issue ppl have in relationships. The ones with mama's boys who stay with them usually become the new mama and they just deal with it and do all the housework.

[DramaInPajamas]

Look, bad news here. You can either be the one who nags him and ends up being his mother figure (sounds like you already are because of him not helping out) and then him leaving because that's not sexy, or you can dump him and let someone else either put up with it or be the one who gets dumped for being his parent, but I will tell you that in 63 years I have never seen a man change just to save the relationship. Half of them are only in the relationship for sex and housekeeping and food to begin with. Many still think that's your role.

 

My friend went to counseling because of this issue. The psychologist told her she's not handling it correctly, that she should only mention something needs to be done once and then just shut up and stand back and wait. That didn't work. He didn't care if it ever got done or not. He wasn't a bad guy, but he had no goals either and was happy just being a slacker for the rest of his life and that was 25 years ago and yes, he's still a slacker and has hooked up with another slacker. They either end up with someone who will do it all for them and shut up about it (which usually only lasts until she has a baby) or with another slacker.

 

Do not waste you time on him. No one should have to live like that. Get out now and save yourself a lot of trouble.

 

Slacker?

 

He is working a hard job and completing a thesis. He isnt a slacker.

 

Maybe he wants to spend his down time doing something mind numbing and easy like paying games but that does not make him a slacker.

[DramaInPajamas]

Lack of motivation, poor hygiene, not looking after himself are all classic signs of depression.

 

I think you may find he is not doing this to annoy you.

[bachdude]

I dated a dude like that before. Stuck on his mama's teat, and part of it was her fault bc she allowed it and never tried to teach him how to do anything.

 

And I was with a woman who had a fraction of my responsibilities while I paid all the bills, working a tough job, and complained I didn't do enough around the house, saying she wasn't my mama while I desperately needed the help.

 

So I will reserve judgement on him until I hear what the OPs full responsibilities are and if there is an even division of labor.

[JewelD]

And I was with a woman who had a fraction of my responsibilities while I paid all the bills, working a tough job, and complained I didn't do enough around the house, saying she wasn't my mama while I desperately needed the help.

 

So I will reserve judgement on him until I hear what the OPs full responsibilities are and if there is an even division of labor.

 

Shoulda moved in with your mama then. Too many dudes want GIRLFRIENDS to have wife/mother responsibilities. If he lived on his own and didn't clean anything, he'd have no clean dishes, clean clothes for work or food to eat. Just bc someone else is there doesn't mean you get to dump all of the household responsibilities on them indefinitely.

 

Regardless of whether he feels it's just, most people don't want to deal with that and that's why those dudes end up single and having to do all the work they refused to do by themselves. Meanwhile.

[Bialy]

BachDude made a very good suggestion -

 

Division of Labor --- if you live with him, why not get a white board and divide up chores? Basic things can be easily divided up.

 

You can't get too upset if there hasn't been an effort to split chores and find some middle ground.

[Lady2163]

So I realized the other day, when I got home from work, that I am dating a man child. Not in the cute "he likes video games", "he likes to snuggle", young boy type man child.

I am dating the type of man child who needs me to ask him to do the dishwasher in his own house. The kind who doesn't know where his own bowls go in the cabinet. Who still has his mom doing his laundry. Who can't do anything for himself and has no ambition to.

/sighs

How do I address this? I've know about it for a little while, but it kind of hit me the other day how bad it is, and now it's really getting on my nerves. We live together, by the way, so I am taking care of the house right now, inside and out.

This is a really long story so I'll outline it quickly.

1. We've been dating for the better part of two years.

2. He is one thesis away from having a Masters in Engineering. If he'd have finished it, he would have had it about 3 years ago.

3. He hates his job. It really takes it out of him.

4. All he really does is work, play cards, play video games, play phone games, and eat.

5. He doesn't take care of himself. He has health insurance, and has for a long time, but he doesn't have a primary physician because he hasn't felt like looking.

6. I am starving and I've been waiting for an hour for him to stop playing his game so we can go out to eat.

7. There's so much to this story.

 

How do I confront him about this? What do I say? I don't want to offend him, but I don't want to break up either. I love him even though he's a doofus.

Guh. I'm getting to the end of my line tho.

 

I married and divorced a manchild. Chances are he's not going to change. He has no motivation to change. His goals and needs are being met. He probably doesn't have any higher goals than what he has right now. Why should he?

 

I've been in the military. I've been in college. I was ranked number one in my major at both my community college and my four year college. I've worked a mentally exhausting job and I've worked a physically exhausting job.

 

Do you know how silly it sounds that he's "too tired and stressed" to complete his Masters Thesis? Is he being shot at? Is he working in 116 degree heat? Is he in an unwelcome country? Is he responsible for 40 lives? C'mon.

 

My four year college had a senior project. It was meant to give us a start on a Masters Thesis and we had great professors who worked with us and challenged us. It was meant to,showcase research methods, statistics and general knowledge of our Major. Several of my classmates that I kept in touch with had their workload cut in about half when they went for their Masters.

 

It is not that tough.

 

A friend of mine dated a a man child from another country. This was a country where kids graduated from high school at 16 and college at 20. He was 29 years old and had been going to school full time for nine years....for his Bachelors. He wanted to drop out and marry her. She told him that she wouldn't marry a man without a college degree.

 

He finished in under a year. Two semesters of heavy workload and two summer classes.

 

Completing his degree is not going to get any easier the older he gets.

 

Is he going to be able to get a better job with his Masters?

 

My suggestion would be that he takes a leave of absence from his job. He borrows the money from his mommy and he spends 8 hours a day working on his thesis.

 

But I don't think he has that kind of determination.

 

Man children don't like any of their jobs. They don't like work period.

Man children sabotage your efforts for their own desires.

Man children don't want responsibilities and often have no desire to problem solve.

Man children will play dumb to get out of doing things.

The only adult thing man children understand is money. And they don't very often want to share it OR spend it on bills. That's someone else's responsibility. They shouldn't have to pay to live. You are supposed to feel lucky that you get to take care of them.

[bachdude]

Shoulda moved in with your mama then. Too many dudes want GIRLFRIENDS to have wife/mother responsibilities. If he lived on his own and didn't clean anything, he'd have no clean dishes, clean clothes for work or food to eat. Just bc someone else is there doesn't mean you get to dump all of the household responsibilities on them indefinitely.

 

Regardless of whether he feels it's just, most people don't want to deal with that and that's why those dudes end up single and having to do all the work they refused to do by themselves. Meanwhile.

 

No, I should find a person who is willing to divide up the work. And if the OP feels the division of labor is lopsided, then she has a point. If not, then maybe she needs to re-evaluate.

 

I should have moved in with my "mama"? Maybe the woman I was with should have moved in with her "Dada" who would pay for everything for her "indefinitely".

 

That's why "girls" end up single!

 

For the record, I'm for EQUAL DIVISION OF LABOR.

[JewelD]

I am dating the type of man child who needs me to ask him to do the dishwasher in his own house. The kind who doesn't know where his own bowls go in the cabinet. Who still has his mom doing his laundry. Who can't do anything for himself and has no ambition to.

/sighs

How do I address this? I've know about it for a little while, but it kind of hit me the other day how bad it is, and now it's really getting on my nerves. We live together, by the way, so I am taking care of the house right now, inside and out.

 

No, I should find a person who is willing to divide up the work. And if the OP feels the division of labor is lopsided, then she has a point. If not, then maybe she needs to re-evaluate.

 

I should have moved in with my "mama"? Maybe the woman I was with should have moved in with her "Dada" who would pay for everything for her "indefinitely".

 

That's why "girls" end up single!

 

For the record, I'm for EQUAL DIVISION OF LABOR.

 

Clearly OP has stated that it is NOT equal. If having a job meant you didn't have to clean, damn near everybody's house would look like an episode of Hoarders. People who have jobs and don't want to clean at all should hire a maid.

 

It's really not that difficult unless you're a nasty person. You can go to work and still clean your home. People have been doing it for quite a few years now.

 

and no, she should not even have to ask him to do any of these things (although she has stated she has), he's a grown man, not a teenager living at home. Dishes are dirty, clean them, trash can overflowing, empty it.

[bachdude]

Clearly OP has stated that it is NOT equal. If having a job meant you didn't have to clean, damn near everybody's house would look like an episode of Hoarders. People who have jobs and don't want to clean at all should hire a maid.

 

It's really not that difficult unless you're a nasty person. You can go to work and still clean your home. People have been doing it for quite a few years now.

 

and no, she should not even have to ask him to do any of these things (although she has stated she has), he's a grown man, not a teenager living at home. Dishes are dirty, clean them, trash can overflowing, empty it.

 

I disagree. There isn't enough information here to conclude that at all (a lack of division of labor). That is why I asked questions before a rush to judgement. And I would think someone getting an advanced degree and writing a thesis would have a higher standard of evidence.

 

And my basic question still stands: OP, what is the division of labor here?

[preraph]

Slacker?

 

He is working a hard job and completing a thesis. He isnt a slacker.

 

Maybe he wants to spend his down time doing something mind numbing and easy like paying games but that does not make him a slacker.

 

You must not have read this line from the original post completely:

 

"2. He is one thesis away from having a Masters in Engineering. If he'd have finished it, he would have had it about 3 years ago."

 

Slacker.

[JewelD]

I disagree. There isn't enough information here to conclude that at all (a lack of division of labor). That is why I asked questions before a rush to judgement. And I would think someone getting an advanced degree and writing a thesis would have a higher standard of evidence.

 

And my basic question still stands: OP, what is the division of labor here?

 

How is OP's post not adequate evidence? She said she's taking care of the house inside and out. This entire post was made because his household responsibilities are taken care of by people other than him.

 

Based on your previous posts, it doesn't surprise me that you require an answer to a question that was clearly addressed in the original post. Lack of basic reading comprehension skills. I see it all the time with my freshman students.

[Redhead14]

So I realized the other day, when I got home from work, that I am dating a man child. Not in the cute "he likes video games", "he likes to snuggle", young boy type man child.

I am dating the type of man child who needs me to ask him to do the dishwasher in his own house. The kind who doesn't know where his own bowls go in the cabinet. Who still has his mom doing his laundry. Who can't do anything for himself and has no ambition to.

/sighs

How do I address this? I've know about it for a little while, but it kind of hit me the other day how bad it is, and now it's really getting on my nerves. We live together, by the way, so I am taking care of the house right now, inside and out.

This is a really long story so I'll outline it quickly.

1. We've been dating for the better part of two years.

2. He is one thesis away from having a Masters in Engineering. If he'd have finished it, he would have had it about 3 years ago.

3. He hates his job. It really takes it out of him.

4. All he really does is work, play cards, play video games, play phone games, and eat.

5. He doesn't take care of himself. He has health insurance, and has for a long time, but he doesn't have a primary physician because he hasn't felt like looking.

6. I am starving and I've been waiting for an hour for him to stop playing his game so we can go out to eat.

7. There's so much to this story.

 

How do I confront him about this? What do I say? I don't want to offend him, but I don't want to break up either. I love him even though he's a doofus.

Guh. I'm getting to the end of my line tho.

 

Send him home to his mother so she can finish the job she started . . . Strike that, she's still doing his laundry, so she doesn't get it either . . .

 

And, there is no easy way to point out to someone that they are slovenly, unhealthy, uninteresting, unmotivated and not focused and poor relationship material . . .

 

This guy is a project. You want a man who is already put together. He's like Frankenstein's creation . . . he put a man together and got it to walk around, but it wasn't pretty.