Is it wise to continue this relationship?

[Movement]

We've known each other for about a year and have been dating for a little over a month now. I'm 21 and she's 18.

 

Before me, I believe all of her hookups were pretty casual. Before beginning the relationship, one of the concerns that came up for her was not wanting to start college while in a relationship because she would want to be hooking up freely.

 

Part of the reason I'm not sure about continuing this relationship when we're back in school is because at one point we discussed if we could keep our relationship the same while still hooking up with other people. I said that it might work if we give each other details about who we're hooking up with, that is not what she had in mind. She felt that she should be able to hook up casually with other people without me ever knowing about it necessarily. I said that I would not be okay with that and suggested ending the relationship while she explores other people and possibly getting back together later. The thought of losing me over exploring other men she may not even care about seemed to frighten her so she decided that we should just stay as we are. She told me that her wish about not wanting to start college in a relationship no longer applied because of how much her feelings have grown for me.

 

While I do trust her, I feel that staying in the relationship during school would lead to a lot of extra stress for both of us. She is very beautiful and I'd be very surprised if only few people end up interested in her(I always notice guys checking her out when we go out). She already has a decent amount of guy friends that are definitely interested in hooking up with her,(I'm not worried about them) but now she'll be living on her own and is going to a big school so there will be plenty of new people to meet.

She is somewhat greedy and enjoys the attention she gets from guys. She does not share any pictures of me in social media as to not reveal that she's with someone. This makes me feel like the temptation to get with other guys is going to be very strong for her during school. I just feel that while she may be very in love with me, she's still human and is obviously going to make mistakes.

 

My feelings for her are very strong (as are hers, it seems), and I would really prefer to avoid dealing with a potentially tough breakup while I'm focusing on school.

 

Her school is a bit under 20 miles away from me, so we could still see each other regularly.

 

Are we both better off ending the relationship soon? I would really like to ride this relationship out as far as it goes, but at the same time I feel like putting a pause on things would be the logical thing to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

You should not continue this relationship, no.

 

Your first red flag would be that she doesn't want anyone to know she's with you. Why? She wants to appear single now. That is not good. Do her friends and family even know she has a boyfriend?

 

Also, she was thinking it would somehow be okay if she fooled around with other men as long as you didn't know about it. That is not a girl who has respect for you or your relationship, and guess what she is going to do? Fool around and just not tell you about it.

 

OP, to be very blunt - where in the heck is your self-respect? Forget her; she's not ready for a committed relationship. There are plenty of girls out there who would be proud to call you their boyfriend, and not hide you.

[Movement]

You should not continue this relationship, no.

 

Your first red flag would be that she doesn't want anyone to know she's with you. Why? She wants to appear single now. That is not good. Do her friends and family even know she has a boyfriend?

 

Also, she was thinking it would somehow be okay if she fooled around with other men as long as you didn't know about it. That is not a girl who has respect for you or your relationship, and guess what she is going to do? Fool around and just not tell you about it.

 

OP, to be very blunt - where in the heck is your self-respect? Forget her; she's not ready for a committed relationship. There are plenty of girls out there who would be proud to call you their boyfriend, and not hide you.

 

I suppose I've been letting a lot of things slide because this is the first time she's been in a real relationship. She has improved in different aspects since we started dating, as have I. I notice that she puts in effort into the relationship. Some of her friends know that we're dating. I've met her family and get along well with them. We recently took a trip out of state together which her parents knew about. She denies that we're dating to her parents but I'm fairly certain that it's obvious by now.

 

The whole appearing single wasn't so apparent earlier, I thought she just didn't really care for posting pictures of me as I don't post pictures on her either. While in our trip she was about to share a picture of me in response to me being annoyed at her talking to someone that she knew in the area, but backed off last minute because she didn't want to lose the attention of people that don't know she's in a relationship.

 

I'm planning on having another conversation about whether we should continue dating or not within a week or two. Before the first time we talked about it I was definitely leaning towards ending the relationship before we even went back to school. Last time I walked away thinking it'd be safe to stay together, but now I've developed new ideas I'd like to see how she reacts to first.

 

She definitely entertains the idea of us dating several months for now, it's just a question of figuring out how much she cares about making that a reality I suppose.

[smackie9]

Once she's in that free for all environment in college it's going to be game over anyways.

[ExpatInItaly]

I suppose I've been letting a lot of things slide because this is the first time she's been in a real relationship. She has improved in different aspects since we started dating, as have I. I notice that she puts in effort into the relationship. Some of her friends know that we're dating. I've met her family and get along well with them. We recently took a trip out of state together which her parents knew about. She denies that we're dating to her parents but I'm fairly certain that it's obvious by now.

 

The whole appearing single wasn't so apparent earlier, I thought she just didn't really care for posting pictures of me as I don't post pictures on her either. While in our trip she was about to share a picture of me in response to me being annoyed at her talking to someone that she knew in the area, but backed off last minute because she didn't want to lose the attention of people that don't know she's in a relationship.

I'm planning on having another conversation about whether we should continue dating or not within a week or two. Before the first time we talked about it I was definitely leaning towards ending the relationship before we even went back to school. Last time I walked away thinking it'd be safe to stay together, but now I've developed new ideas I'd like to see how she reacts to first.

 

She definitely entertains the idea of us dating several months for now, it's just a question of figuring out how much she cares about making that a reality I suppose.

 

You realize this doesn't make sense, don't you?

 

Whose attention does she need to keep by appearing single online? Why would her social media friends care? My sense is that she is already talking to another guy who has no idea she has a boyfriend.

 

Same with the family not knowing you're her boyfriend. Why does she deny you're dating to them? Are there some cultural or religious differences that they wouldn't approve of or something?

[Movement]

You realize this doesn't make sense, don't you?

 

Whose attention does she need to keep by appearing single online? Why would her social media friends care? My sense is that she is already talking to another guy who has no idea she has a boyfriend.

 

Same with the family not knowing you're her boyfriend. Why does she deny you're dating to them? Are there some cultural or religious differences that they wouldn't approve of or something?

 

 

She is talking to at least 2 guys who have no idea she has a boyfriend, your sense is right. Which is why I'm getting ready to end this unless she does something to show me that attitude will change.

 

She denies dating to the parents because:

1. Getting permission to our weekend trip would have been more difficult/impossible

2. I believe her mother believes in abstinence until marriage. Though she already lost her virginity much before me.

 

Frankly, the whole parent situation and a few other things are a bit absurd, but I guess that's just one of drawbacks that come with dating someone younger.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is talking to at least 2 guys who have no idea she has a boyfriend, your sense is right. Which is why I'm getting ready to end this unless she does something to show me that attitude will change.

 

She denies dating to the parents because:

1. Getting permission to our weekend trip would have been more difficult/impossible

2. I believe her mother believes in abstinence until marriage. Though she already lost her virginity much before me.

 

Frankly, the whole parent situation and a few other things are a bit absurd, but I guess that's just one of drawbacks that come with dating someone younger.

 

I don't understand why you tolerate that.

 

She wants them to think she doesn't have a boyfriend. it doesn't take a genius to figure out why. Hint: they're doing more than talking.

 

She isn't girlfriend material, OP. She won't be for a long time, either.

[Movement]

I don't understand why you tolerate that.

 

She wants them to think she doesn't have a boyfriend. it doesn't take a genius to figure out why. Hint: they're doing more than talking.

 

She isn't girlfriend material, OP. She won't be for a long time, either.

 

Because they don't live anywhere near her. While we were on the trip I caught her talking to a guy that lived in the area. I confronted her about it and later she was about to post a snapchat of me in her story and backed out when she realized the consequences it would have, I suppose.

 

Anyway, I got the feedback I was looking for. Thanks a lot for the responses.

I'm going to enjoy the rest of the week with her and think this through, but this will most likely be over on Monday.

[Movement]

I've been dating this girl for a little over a month and have noticed that there is a guy she talks to on a regular basis. I asked about him earlier; apparently he was nobody to worry about and I was fine with that.

Recently, we took a trip together and there was this other guy I've seen show up in her messages recently who turned out to live in that area and was hoping to see her. According to her, he most likely thought he had a chance of hooking up with her.

 

This bothered me because she's sort of kept the fact that she has a boyfriend from them. I confronted her about it yesterday and apparently "it just hasn't come up".

My problem is that if one of them asked what she was up to during her trip and she replies with "visiting family and stuff" isn't that hiding that she has a boyfriend?

Part of her response to this was that I'm being "weird and possessive".

Sure, we did visit her cousins for about 2 hours. But the trip was 2 days. It just feels kind of strange.

 

If the first guy I mentioned is a good friend with nothing to worry about, how hasn't it come up that she's dating someone in over a month?

I'm just not sure if I'm getting upset over nothing or if my reaction is valid.

[Vado]

Did you guys agreed about being exclusive?

A month is a bit soon for being boy/girlfiriend

[Movement]

Did you guys agreed about being exclusive?

A month is a bit soon for being boy/girlfiriend

 

We have.

Also we've known each other for about a year, if that makes a difference.

[Bialy]

It's hard to say.

 

Why does she stay in contact him? Who is he?

 

A follow-up to that is why is she staying in contact with a guy who "wants to hook up" with her even though she is seeing you. It's not fair to you --- but it's also not fair to him. She must be leading him on if he has expressed the desire to hook up with her.

 

I don't know the full story -- but from you have shared, it sounds like she is playing games.

[Vado]

We have.

Also we've known each other for about a year, if that makes a difference.

 

Hard to say, it might be she likes the attention or use them as backups. Some girls, like tomboygirls and drama queens, for different reasons, like to have guys around them even if they're in a relationship.

[Movement]

It's hard to say.

 

Why does she stay in contact him? Who is he?

 

A follow-up to that is why is she staying in contact with a guy who "wants to hook up" with her even though she is seeing you. It's not fair to you --- but it's also not fair to him. She must be leading him on if he has expressed the desire to hook up with her.

 

I don't know the full story -- but from you have shared, it sounds like she is playing games.

 

 

He's someone from a summer law program she did at some point in school. She's still in contact with at least 5 other people from it, girls included. So it's not totally strange that they're still in touch.

Apparently she knows the guy well enough to know that he's a horrible kisser.

 

Now that you mention playing games... she did talk about thinking it would be hilarious to meet up with the guy but not to tell him I'm with her just to see his reaction.

I didn't really care for surprising him like that so I didn't feed the idea.

[SevenCity]

He's someone from a summer law program she did at some point in school. She's still in contact with at least 5 other people from it, girls included. So it's not totally strange that they're still in touch.

Apparently she knows the guy well enough to know that he's a horrible kisser.

 

Now that you mention playing games... she did talk about thinking it would be hilarious to meet up with the guy but not to tell him I'm with her just to see his reaction.

I didn't really care for surprising him like that so I didn't feed the idea.

 

How old is this girl? She sounds like she enjoys playing childish games.

 

A girl should be happy to announce to the world who her BF is.

 

And calling you possessive is flipping the situation around on you.

 

She sounds like trouble.

[Gaeta]

She is playing games with you and with them. She is keeping them as back up and enjoys the attention. I don't know how old you are and how serious you'd like this to be but in my opinion and experience this relationship is not going to last another month.

 

From the day I was exclusive with my boyfriend, within a month, I told everyone of my <male contacts> I had met someone and I was not going to keep in touch with them.

 

There is no way in hell I would bring my boyfriend along to some meeting just to see some dude's reaction. That is juvenile, full of game, disrespectful and inconsiderate.

[HumanMachine]

Monkey branching

 

abort

[ChatroomHero]

If she valued you, when she knows a guy is interested and she really wants him to know there is not a chance she tells him she has a boyfriend.

 

 

Turn the tables, if there was a girl that kissed you before and you flat out refused to reject her and tell her you were seeing someone and openly thought about going on a date with her -purposely without telling her you had a gf- you would be King A-hole to your gf.

 

 

She distinctly does not want them to know she has a bf. What more would you need to know she is not faithful to your relationship?

[Movement]

I'm not sure how this affects the situation but...

 

8-9 months ago, she was sort of with this guy who she wasn't exclusive with. This was after I'd known her for a bit and tried dating her. We went on a few dates and ended up hooking up (or trying to, I suppose) on two different nights. The first time I found out about the other guy. I could sense something strange but couldn't quite understand it at the time. She really regret the whole thing and since I could feel she was giving me no emotion while we were trying to hook up, we just ended up not going through with it both times.

We stopped talking for a while. In that time I met about 4 girls, I ended up not being very interested in them. She kept hooking up with that guy for a bit but eventually chose to stop seeing him.

A few months later we started talking again and soon started dating again. Eventually we both confessed that we hated the period where we didn't talk to each other and got over all that stuff that happened before.

 

I know for sure that her feelings for me are much stronger than what she had for that guy back then.

Point is with that whole story is that if with that guy, who she had not nearly enough feelings for as she did for me, she was able to feel all that regret for trying to hook up with me, should I really be worried?

 

 

We've also very thoroughly discussed our feelings about hooking up with other people.

It seems that it's just the whole talking to other people that we haven't really figured out yet.

Even though it's not really that serious, it's the most serious relationship we've both been in so far. I had a girlfriend for about 2 months when I was 18, but that was really just sex. I'm 21 now.

This is what makes me think that she just genuinely doesn't know that some of what she's doing is kinda wrong.

When we talk about things, she actively tries to change whatever is bothering me and I do the same for her.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Movement

[Toodaloo]

While I don't think its wrong to not discuss you or shout from the roof tops that you are dating at such an early stage I do think her behaviour is a bit suspect.

 

Personally I would want to be walking away right now.

 

I like to keep my cards close to my chest for a while when dating. My friends and family will know there is someone about and where I am going but that is about it for a while... The latest is the first I have openly introduced and that I have encouraged my family to meet. He has still not met many of my friends. There was one who met a cousin after about a month... it didn't last long after that. While I don't openly talk about it, I do not actively hide them...

 

My impression is as follows;

1. She isn't serious about you

2. She is still quietly on the look out for someone else

3. She likes you but doesn't really feel much of anything else than that...

[Toodaloo]

Second thread about her.

 

Just break up.

 

You want validation that you are doing the right thing? Well here it is.

[Redhead14]

We've known each other for about a year and have been dating for a little over a month now. I'm 21 and she's 18.

 

Before me, I believe all of her hookups were pretty casual. Before beginning the relationship, one of the concerns that came up for her was not wanting to start college while in a relationship because she would want to be hooking up freely.

 

Part of the reason I'm not sure about continuing this relationship when we're back in school is because at one point we discussed if we could keep our relationship the same while still hooking up with other people. I said that it might work if we give each other details about who we're hooking up with, that is not what she had in mind. She felt that she should be able to hook up casually with other people without me ever knowing about it necessarily. I said that I would not be okay with that and suggested ending the relationship while she explores other people and possibly getting back together later. The thought of losing me over exploring other men she may not even care about seemed to frighten her so she decided that we should just stay as we are. She told me that her wish about not wanting to start college in a relationship no longer applied because of how much her feelings have grown for me.

 

While I do trust her, I feel that staying in the relationship during school would lead to a lot of extra stress for both of us. She is very beautiful and I'd be very surprised if only few people end up interested in her(I always notice guys checking her out when we go out). She already has a decent amount of guy friends that are definitely interested in hooking up with her,(I'm not worried about them) but now she'll be living on her own and is going to a big school so there will be plenty of new people to meet.

She is somewhat greedy and enjoys the attention she gets from guys. She does not share any pictures of me in social media as to not reveal that she's with someone. This makes me feel like the temptation to get with other guys is going to be very strong for her during school. I just feel that while she may be very in love with me, she's still human and is obviously going to make mistakes.

 

My feelings for her are very strong (as are hers, it seems), and I would really prefer to avoid dealing with a potentially tough breakup while I'm focusing on school.

 

Her school is a bit under 20 miles away from me, so we could still see each other regularly.

 

Are we both better off ending the relationship soon? I would really like to ride this relationship out as far as it goes, but at the same time I feel like putting a pause on things would be the logical thing to do.

 

It's not a "relationship". It's two people, one who wants to sleep with anyone, anytime she feels like it and the other who has stronger feelings which will cause insecurity, hurt, possible jealousy.

 

While I do trust her -- you don't know whether or not you can trust her because you don't know her well enough yet, but beyond that, I wouldn't be cause of the statement highlighted below.

 

She is somewhat greedy and enjoys the attention she gets from guys.

End it now, focus on your studies. You're young with a lot on your plate, don't clutter it with a "relationship" or by trying to develop one with such unstable and difficult "conditions". Keep your options open. There are lots of women out there, find the one where it's clear and there are fewer obstacles.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

The fact that this woman wants to hide your relationship and wants to see other people sounds like she is not looking for the same things that you are. You mention not wanting to break up with her during school because it would be difficult while you are trying to focus on your studies. Imagine how difficult it will be to be worrying all the time about whether she is out with other guys.