WhereSpiritsRoam Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 This girl I've been talking to and hanging out with has possibly the worst manners on the planet. She frequently never calls me back, makes plans with me only to back out of them with some lame ass excuse, and never says "thanks" (or something similar) when I give her a compliment. Obviously this is not someone I want to be with, even though she insists she is interested in me (something I obviously question given the aforementioned). I really want to put her in place and say it's not right to treat people this way. Should I give her the benefit of the doubt that she is seriously distracted by her life, or just tell her that I'm completely unhappy with how she handles things? There's probably nothing here, but I'd want her to know the reasons why. You can't say you want to be with someone and then be so passive and apathetic. I don't know much, but I know that there has to be someone who will get fired up about me, and she's obviously not it. As an aside, does all of the above possibly suggest that I am a backup plan/safety net? I figure she's being just nice enough to keep me around without having to commit too much. Some guys may be ok with that nonsense, but I'm definitely not.
crazy_grl Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 Maybe she's read 'The Rules'. Tell her you don't like the way she's treating you, and you'd rather be with someone who gives you some consideration. Give her a chance to change her behavior, but if she doesn't change pronto, give her the boot. Of course, if she has read the rules, she'll take the fact that you're upset to be a good sign... what a stupid book.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Maybe she's read 'The Rules'. Tell her you don't like the way she's treating you, and you'd rather be with someone who gives you some consideration. Give her a chance to change her behavior, but if she doesn't change pronto, give her the boot. Of course, if she has read the rules, she'll take the fact that you're upset to be a good sign... what a stupid book. Thanks for the reply. It's funny you mention the book thing - I know she's read a few dating guides, etc. In fact, this behavior is fairly recent and seemingly coincides with the completion of one such book. Do you think I'm being tested here? If she was looking to evoke a response, she got one - I have voiced my unhappiness many times, though not very firmly. What about becoming busy with other friends, etc.? I told her I want to spend time with her, but I'll make it clear that I'll find other things to occupy my time if she's not going to get her act together. For some reason, when I do "disappear" for even a short while, she comes looking for me. This is not really the sign of someone who is disinterested, but I don't like playing these games.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Find out which book it is, flip through it and see if it gives you any insight. If 'The Rules' be thine enemy, it does well to 'know thine enemy'. Once you get a feel for what it is she's doing, then let her know you've been there, done that AND read the book and that you aren't impressed with what you read and that it won't fly with you. Tell her that when she puts the book down and is ready to have a real relationship to give you a call.
Dasani Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 or just tell her The Rules book is opposite of what you're looking for lol... mention it by name and see if her expression changes lol. If anything its just more to talk about-- like, "what does it say if I just got up from the table and left because you were so calous =)."
crazy_grl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Oh, wow. I'd bet anything it's 'The Rules' or some book like it at least. It tells women to behave appallingly to keep men guessing and chasing after them. I'm with LucreziaBorgia. Find out what book it is and read through it yourself. Then explain to her why those things don't fly with you. If it is 'The Rules', get her a copy of 'The Real Rules'. It explains why everything in 'The Rules' is a bunch of garbage.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Oh, wow. I'd bet anything it's 'The Rules' or some book like it at least. It tells women to behave appallingly to keep men guessing and chasing after them. I'm with LucreziaBorgia. Find out what book it is and read through it yourself. Then explain to her why those things don't fly with you. If it is 'The Rules', get her a copy of 'The Real Rules'. It explains why everything in 'The Rules' is a bunch of garbage. I'll have to do that, crazy. I can't figure this girl out - I put up my away message last night saying I was out for the evening and she sent me a "Where are you?" text inside of two hours. If I'm slow to respond to her e-mails at work, she asks if I'm ignoring her. For someone who wants a lot of attention (which I'm fine with), she sure doesn't reciprocate much except when she doesn't know where I am. Case in point: I sent her a "good-night sweetie" text last night and got absolutely nothing back. That's pretty normal for her, but I'm not happy with that. If you like me, great, but actions always speak louder than words. If she likes to play the "wonder" game, her head will be spinning when she sees that I'm still being friendly but no longer asking her to hang out. I bet she gets a little nervous since she'll think the spotlight is no longer on her.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 I would like to tell her how not getting a return "good-night" text bothers me, but the thing is there's no way to bring it up that won't have the appearance of wanting to be confrontational. Even if I phrase it really nice, she will likely get ticked, when the normal reaction would be an apology. Part of me thinks I should tell her I'm unhappy with this treatment, but the experienced side of me is saying it may not be worth the effort. What - is she going to magically change just because I bring it up? That's not going to happen. She's like an emotional sponge - she takes all of my compliments, etc., until she is completely saturated, and only then does she return some of those to me. I probably shouldn't be messing with this kind of girl, but she's all I've got right now, unfortunately. We'll see if I can send her a message through silence this weekend. If she thinks she has me on a string, I have a newly sharpened pair of scissors just itching to be used.
alphamale Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam You can't say you want to be with someone and then be so passive and apathetic. actions speak 100 times louder than words
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale actions speak 100 times louder than words She talks the talk, but surely doesn't walk the walk. That's why I feel I could be a backup plan. Is there any way to know for sure, or is it really just a guess based on circumstantial evidence? She clearly is trying to remain distant while telling me she's interested. This is a red flag to me.
JPMorgan Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Why are you so interested in somone who treats you this way? Surely you can find someone a little more mature who won't play childish games and will treat you with respect. This girl doesn't sound worth the effort or the stress.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by JPMorgan Why are you so interested in somone who treats you this way? Surely you can find someone a little more mature who won't play childish games and will treat you with respect. This girl doesn't sound worth the effort or the stress. I agree, JP, but I'm looking for someone - anyone - to snap this cold streak with dating. This girl may be academically intelligent, but that surely doesn't make her mature or respectful. I do want someone who is sweet, kind, caring, and actually takes the time to show all those things. My plan is to just get busy with my life, and I'm not going to ever bring up hanging out again. That will send the message that I'm not playing the games without ever having to start a fight by saying, "Hey, how come you treat me like crap?" Lol. My philosophy is if someone is completely into you, you just know it. There is no second guessing. The fact that this thread even exists means that things are not copasetic. P.S. Btw, the reason I have stuck with her this long is because she lives 5 minutes away - this is the first time I've ever dated someone who actually lived in my town. Obviously that means little if she's going to play games.
Cecelius Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam For some reason, when I do "disappear" for even a short while, she comes looking for me. This is not really the sign of someone who is disinterested, but I don't like playing these games. It's only a game if you are doing it specifically to get a reaction from her. She may be ditzy, an A.W. or just not like you that much, but in each case she takes it for granted that you are around. Just get a little busier on your own, spend less time with her (for reasons of you own).
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius It's only a game if you are doing it specifically to get a reaction from her. She may be ditzy, an A.W. or just not like you that much, but in each case she takes it for granted that you are around. Just get a little busier on your own, spend less time with her (for reasons of you own). I think it has a lot to do with both working full-time and going to school full-time. She may like me but have hesitations about getting into a serious relationship, which would just be added responsibility on top of what she's already dealing with. Plus she loves hanging out with her sorority sisters, so perhaps she doesn't want someone infringing on that too much. That's fine if that's what she wants, but I want someone who will spend time with me and is ready for something serious. It seems like I always go for girls that like me but are stuck in some kind of transition phase. Maybe I should be looking at women in their late 20's or early 30's.
Cecelius Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Or recognize the volitility and fickleness of young women and simply not expect more or try to connect in any meaningful way with them.
alphamale Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam I think it has a lot to do with both working full-time and going to school full-time. I highly doubt it She may like me but have hesitations about getting into a serious relationship, If a woman genuinely likes a dude she'll be the first one in line to have a relationship with him which would just be added responsibility on top of what she's already dealing with. Plus she loves hanging out with her sorority sisters, so perhaps she doesn't want someone infringing on that too much. If it was the right dude he could probably infringe on anything It seems like I always go for girls that like me but are stuck in some kind of transition phase. If they are making up excuses to not have a relationship with you need to rethink why they are doing this...
Marshbear Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Start looking for another girl, WSR. If she is interested the fact of your interest in another will drive her crazy. If she doesn't respond then you have saved yourself a lot of problems and a goodbye speech. Peace...
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale I highly doubt it If a woman genuinely likes a dude she'll be the first one in line to have a relationship with him If it was the right dude he could probably infringe on anything If they are making up excuses to not have a relationship with you need to rethink why they are doing this... I'm with ya, Alpha. In your always blunt opinion, why do you think she gets so nervous when she thinks I'm slipping away? I literally go out for a couple of hours and she's asking where I am. If she didn't give a crap, why would she care where I am or who I'm with? I know I'm being kept on the end of a long string here, but the question is why?
lindya Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Maybe she's read 'The Rules'. Of course, if she has read the rules, she'll take the fact that you're upset to be a good sign... what a stupid book. I don't think "the Rules" was about being rude. I confess to having read it some years ago, and my overall impression was that it encouraged "Rules Girls" to behave like relics of the 1950s. Rude people are just rude people. It doesn't matter what book they read - they'll only interpret the general message in a way that rationalises further rudeness on their part.
Marshbear Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam I'm with ya, Alpha. In your always blunt opinion, why do you think she gets so nervous when she thinks I'm slipping away? I literally go out for a couple of hours and she's asking where I am. If she didn't give a crap, why would she care where I am or who I'm with? I know I'm being kept on the end of a long string here, but the question is why. She's using you for her own ego. She wants to keep you around to pamper her and because she knows you want her. It is an old trick. Just play the game with her. Act uninterested, talk about and be seen with other women.
shygurl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 A game takes at least 2 people to play. She can't play this obvious game with you if you're not willing to participate - though it seems you are. You indicate that the only reason you're sticking around is for, sorry, rather lame reasons - she lives so close, you have nothing else better at the moment, etc. is being single so bad or is it better to waste your time and energy on a flake who is playing headgames with you? Keep playing and she'll just think you're a clueless idiot who's desperate.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear She's using you for her own ego. She wants to keep you around to pamper her and because she knows you want her. It is an old trick. Just play the game with her. Act uninterested, talk about and be seen with other women. Thanks, marshbear. I'm already talking to other girls and it will be easy to become uninterested because I probably will be soon. I know it will kill her when I don't ask her to hang out anymore, because I was doing that fairly often. That will be the final neon sign that says, "I'm moving on and not playing your games." If she likes me more than she shows, her hourglass is getting mighty low on sand.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted July 1, 2005 Author Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by shygurl is being single so bad or is it better to waste your time and energy on a flake who is playing headgames with you? Keep playing and she'll just think you're a clueless idiot who's desperate. Great point, shygurl. Sometimes I just need someone to lay it out there like that. I have a feeling that she thinks she can control me through mind games, but now that I'm onto her, I have the power to not let that happen. And yes, my reasons for trying for her are admittedly lame.
shygurl Posted July 1, 2005 Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam Great point, shygurl. Sometimes I just need someone to lay it out there like that. I have a feeling that she thinks she can control me through mind games, but now that I'm onto her, I have the power to not let that happen. And yes, my reasons for trying for her are admittedly lame. hey, I'm not saying YOU'RE lame, I just think you deserve someone a lot better and unless you aren't willing to "settle for less", you're only going to get less. People like her are a dime a dozen. They're generally spoiled, arrogant, selfish and self-absorbed and don't really give a damn about anyone's feelings. Next time she messages you, nicely tell her that you see no point continuing to communicate - she's not on the same page as you, you're looking for a woman with some maturity and the ability to see past the end of their nose - that games are for the playground and you're really just not interested but wish her all the luck in the world." and just leave it at that. Then block her. No more contact. Don't respond to her emails, her phonecalls, etc. Then feel proud of yourself for standing up to a silly little player.
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