Dating a man with kids...

[Shannon.tay]

Hi guys, this is my first time ever posting anything, seeking advice.

 

to be honest, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, I just need to vent this. I apologize for the length

 

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months, I knew him previously through a mutual friend and we three hung out a lot. We were great friends and all of a sudden, my now boyfriend and I were hanging out, just the two of us, more often. Getting lunch or dinner and drinks a few times a week. Then one day, he kissed me before we said our goodbyes after lunch. And I was hooked from that moment on. Things really took off, just 5 weeks for I was moving to New York City (I've been here for 2 month; we're both from New Jersey, but he's basically at the very south end of NJ). Thankfully we can make it work where we can see each other once a week.....Before even the thought of us in a relationship, I knew that he was separated with 6 kids. the 3 oldest are his step kids that he raised and loved as his own from when they were young. and the 3 youngest are his own from his marriage. And it never bothered me nor does it now.

 

But things have been ****ty lately because his wife (they've been separated for 2 years now) has been drinking more and creating problems with him and all of the kids. She'll disappear for days at a time, things like that. She's manipulative and very toxic, she's also the type of person who would sober up and make herself out to be parent of the year if divorce were on the table right now. She would absolutely take his kids from him and that's his biggest fear because they are his world.

 

I haven't met his kids yet but I'm dying to. My birthday is in January and I had said "I want 'meeting the kids' to be my present". But I doubt that will happen....I saw him yesterday and left this morning. We stay at a lot of hotels or at my old previous apartment.

 

His wife called last night and said something was wrong with the oldest of the 6. But then she called right back and she was fine. After they hung up, he didn't talk, didn't want to be near me. Just completely clammed up, laid down and just shut his eyes. I was rubbing his back and asks me to stop. I was kind of hurt because I want to console him, but I'm pushed away. I go out for a cigarette, come back to the room and he's asleep. I had ordered dinner and was waiting for delivery and he's sleeping. it arrives and I tell him that his food is here and he just rolls over. so I'm eating by myself. After an hour of watching a movie, I tell him again, he gets up and eats and goes right back to sleep. I don't get to see him as often as I'd like, so when I do see him, I want to spend time with him, talk about anything, have sex, whatever. Fast forward to this morning, he takes me to the train station before he has to go to work and he's just quiet and being distant. I ask him if he's okay, he says no but won't tell me what's wrong. He says it has to do with the kids but won't elaborate. Naturally, I'm concerned and worried for them. He tells me to let it go, but who do I let it go? Even though I haven't met his kids, they are important to me too. I'm hurt because I want to know what's going on, what happened? There's probably nothing I can do to help, but I want to know because maybe there is.

 

Am I wrong for being upset that he won't tell me? We both very serious about each other, I know that this is the man I'm going to marry. But is he going to be like this when it's more down the line? I could only hope that won't be the case. I just need some guidance as this is new for me. I apologize for this post being so lengthy

[PegNosePete]

if divorce were on the table right now

Why isn't divorce on the table? They have been separated for 2 years right? Why aren't they divorced already?

 

Am I wrong for being upset that he won't tell me?

You said you've been dating a few months. I would say that's too soon to expect him to tell you all the gory details of the problems he is having with his wife and his kids.

 

Yea, it sucks that he was in a bad mood and wasted your time together, but sometimes that happens. If it's a one-off then I would let it go. If it happens more regularly then you'd have to question whether your needs are being met by this relationship.

 

is he going to be like this when it's more down the line?

If he is a normal healthy guy then as your relationship grows he should open up to you about the problems and issues. But his wife will probably not change. She will always cause problems and issues which will affect his mood, his situation, his availability, and therefore your relationship. Like it or not, she is a part of the package. Even when the kids are over 18 she will always be in the picture, from family gatherings to holidays to graduation ceremonies, she will always be there, sticking her oar in. I would think very carefully about whether you want to buy that package or not.

[TheLawyer]

Welcome! I'm new too, and the people here have been really supportive!

 

Firstly, to me, as a guy, it does not sound like he's serious about you at all?

 

If you're an important part of his life then his kids need to meet you. If you're an important part of his life then he should want his kids to meet you.

 

The only time a guy with kids doesn't want his kids to meet his SO is if he doesn't think she'll be around for very long, or much longer, so the effort of letting them get to know someone he has no future with is counterproductive and needlessly harmful to the children if they end up liking you a lot.

 

Another problem here is the wife. She's pulling the strings and he's letting her, and his clamming up suggests there is probably more of an unresolved connection between them then he's letting on in my opinion.

 

If you're done with the ex and you've moved on to someone you're serious about, then quite frankly you treat them a lot differently and a lot better than he's treating you. There is something wrong here.

 

Ultimately the decision is yours. For me, I think you need both more honest communication and more commitment.

 

You need to know what's going on, and "it's about the kids" is not an answer. It's a bull**** brush off.

 

Secondly, if he's serious about you then he needs to show it. You're not a dirty little secret, your either part of his life or your not. You're either included or your not. He can't have you, but keep you an isolated part of his life and keep secrets about his life from you. That's not a girlfriend, that's the type of relationship I can have with a sex buddy.

 

Basically, you deserve better, and in my opinion, you should speak up to make sure you get it, and be prepared to walk if you don't get it.

[Shannon.tay]

PegNosePete- divorce isn't on the table at the moment because he's working 2 state jobs and in the beginning stages of getting his business off the ground. But not only that; when he had mentioned divorce 2 years back, after he left for work and she took the kids to upstate New York and didn't tell him where they were. didn't come back for a few days and she'll disappear by herself. He works so much, but he can't count on her to take care of them solely (especially if she were to get sole custody). So he sends his friend texts, emails, and now phone recording to build a case against her). It's very messy, but we've talked and I accept that his wife will always be a part our lives. I'd be naive to think otherwise. But what truly bothers me is that, he has giving me gory details before. There was a time that his son was having breathing problems (he was born very prematurely, so now being 9years old, he has lung problems). His oldest step daughter called to tell him that their mother was taking him to the doctors. When my boyfriend had called to see what the doctor said, she kept hanging up on him. Wouldn't let the daughter talk to him and he truly was freaking out. He has picked me up maybe a few hours beforehand and I suggested that he drop me off back at the train station and go home to make sure everything is okay. We ended up finding out what was wrong, made sure that his wife actually picked up the prescription, and he got to talk to his son. I just want to be included because hopefully one day, I will be able to take care of them.

 

The task itself doesn't scare me, I'm certain this is something I want. but I don't want to be left out either

[CarrieT]

I'm sorry, OP, but I think he is feeding you a whole litany of excuses why he can't get divorced.

 

If he really wanted to be single, he would figure out a way to get divorced and take care of his kids. She is convenient for the childcare factor and it sounds like he doesn't want to take the hard steps towards being a caregiver.

 

Frankly, my Spidey Sense is making my neck hairs stand up and you are in for a long haul of disappointment if you keep waiting and hoping for things to change.

 

Look, I am a woman who is now in my 50s who just married less than three years ago to a divorced man with kids. Despite owning a very time-consuming business, he managed to figure out shared custody. If a guy wants to do it, he will. Your guy doesn't want to do it...

[Shannon.tay]

theLawyer- I don't believe he doesn't want me to meet them, but more of it not being the right time due to the messy situation it is at home. But you're right, it was a bull**** brush off. We've been very honest with each other, and then all of a sudden, he's quiet and not himself. and it worries me. like to the core. He's so supportive of me, very loving. and now it's like I'm talking to the shell of a man. I'm scared, in more or less words

[Shannon.tay]

CarrieT- thank you for your input, I appreciate you being so honest and forthcoming

[PegNosePete]

I'm sorry, OP, but I think he is feeding you a whole litany of excuses why he can't get divorced.

Agree. It's not necessary to "build a case" against her. He just needs to see a lawyer and tell him he wants a divorce, 30 minutes later he would have the papers ready for signing. Well maybe not quite 30 minutes, but it's much less complicated than he seems to be making out. If he wanted a divorce he would have done it, but he hasn't.

[Shannon.tay]

But don't most women in divorces get granted the majority of custody? For him to get custody, he would have to build a case, no? I hope this doesn't come off as condescending, I'm just honestly curious as to what details it would take for the father to get custody.

 

She doesn't work and refuses to do so. also drunk for most of the day.

[PegNosePete]

Custody cases only go to court as a last resort. Usually the parents will agree a schedule without letting it go that far, since it's basically a total waste of money on both sides.

 

But even if it went to court, it's most likely that a court would maintain the status quo, especially after 2 years. A court isn't going to suddenly deny him visitation or reduce his time with the kids, just because their legal marriage has been dissolved.

 

Best to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction, who can explain a whole lot better. But no, building a custody case is still not a reason to hold off getting a divorce.

[Shannon.tay]

thank you, I truly appreciate it. goes to show how much I really know. I just feel really lost right now, you know? so much so that I seemed advice from third parties because I don't know who to talk to

[Gloria25]

IMO, while you see no harm in meeting his kids....kids get attached.

 

I see that you're already trying to be Mary Poppins. You want to fly in with your magical umbrella and make everything better. Hey I get ya, I'm a woman. I have breasts and ovaries too. We all wanna nurture our men. We wanna kiss their boo-boos away.

 

Problem is, some situations can't be fixed; and, unless this woman signs away her parental rights, walks away and never comes back - you, him, and those poor kids are gonna endure hell on earth. Cuz, like it or not, she's their mommy. Kids, even abused/adopted/abandoned kids reach out to their natural parents.

 

Also, these poor kids have lost so much. You say some of them are step kids? Oh gosh, they already suffered one broken home with their original/natural dad and now he's gonna divorce their mom. And guaranteed if you kick it off with him you also will want to have children with him. That's too much drama for these kids.

 

So, I can see why he doesn't want you too meet the kids.

 

IMO, he needs to get a lawyer, divorce her and make her sign away her parental rights. Cuz as an addict she'll just drag them in/out of courts in bouts of sobriety and relapse. The kids need stability.

 

IMO, he also needs to move in with his mother. He needs family to create a stable environment for these kids. He also needs someone there to help cook, clean and just "be" there for the kids as he's working so hard to feed them. Last thing on his mind should be female company. I mean, we all need someone in our lives to support us, but unless you accept full-time to become his au pair/maid/baby sitter, and provider of sex...don't continue with him. Cuz there's no way you can balance trying to be Mary Poppins and get your needs fully met here cuz all he got going on.

 

He and his kids need Mary Poppins to be his mom and/or his family...not someone with romantic interest in him.

 

I know of one lady who got with a military guy who's wife died. He needed a "woman" to do all the domestic stuff cuz he was in the military. Well, she had nothing else going on and her ex took her kids, so she jumped on him. Well, she did have romantic interest in him, but IMO, she was more of a maid, cook, babysitter, and someone he could pop in and have sex with when the military allowed him to come home. The kids began to disrespect her when she moved in. He cheated on her even up to a day or so before their wedding. They're still together, but it's more like a marriage of convenience...and, who wants that?

[NTV]

I think that your playing with fire with this guy. Even if he's your ideal man, his situation can't be anywhere close to that. I'd say your risks outweigh your benefit, and that you'd be better off just letting him know that the geographical distance is too much, etc. etc. and that you want to see what New York has to offer.

[elaine567]

ATM you are enjoying a relationship with this guy who you used to hang about with as friends.

You were having a nice uncomplicated time staying in hotels, swanning around, ordering dinners, no doubt with fantastic sex. It was like a collection of mini holidays, you were a couple of high school kids having a great time, but it was not real life.

 

Last night his wife gatecrashed the party and whatever was said woke him up and burst the bubble.

 

He didn't choose to talk to you about it, despite you being his long-term friend and now his lover, he shut you out. That does not bode well.

 

I think it is never a good idea to get in between two people who have unfinished business together, I think here there is a shed load of unfinished business.

[aileD]

eh.

 

I feel like you're the other woman and you just don't know it yet.

 

you don't see each other as often as you want

 

hotels??

 

excuses why divorce not on the table

 

he's not actually divorced.

 

 

If he is telling the truth, this might just be too much for him right now. Six kids is a lot of kids...you haven't known eachother that long, maybe he doesn't see you as someone going to be around long term. It's only responsible as a parent not to want to introduce your kids to every girl you date.

 

I think you need to face some truths and look a little differently at things. ask some hard questions.

[Redhead14]

This guy doesn't just have "baggage", he's got a freight car full of it. He'll never be able to unpack it . . . so you'll be carrying quite a load too if you do farther down the road with him. And, don't kid yourself that you could handle a new relationship and six kids if he ends up with them. He's over his head and you'll drown with him.

[preraph]

He needs space because his family life is stressing him out and he knows that what you're doing is whatever you can to beg for attention instead of just backing off and saying this isn't a good time and maybe going home and giving him space.

 

This is probably how it's going to be for as long as the kids are under 18. You can't have a huge part in his life. You can't be the center of his life. He has kids and on top of that has a chaotic ex. The Court will always determine his schedule, unless those two have agreed to just let it be whenever she hiccups, which could be the problem, but either way, you or he will never have control over his schedule. If this isn't what you want, then you should date other people and stay in touch with him or whatever and see if anything every changes on his end. Good luck.

[Shannon.tay]

I want to thank everyone for their replies. We just broke up, it may be for the better, but I certainly don't feel very good right now. again, thank you for your help. well wishes to you all.

[Gloria25]

I want to thank everyone for their replies. We just broke up, it may be for the better, but I certainly don't feel very good right now. again, thank you for your help. well wishes to you all.

 

***Hugs***

 

I just got broken up too, so feeling your pain.

 

From what you posted, you seem to have good intentions, but yes, this guy has tooooo much baggage. Geesh, six kids?

 

Wishing you well too

[SevenCity]

I want to thank everyone for their replies. We just broke up, it may be for the better, but I certainly don't feel very good right now. again, thank you for your help. well wishes to you all.

 

Can you give the details of what happened? I hope you didn't make this decision based solely on the feedback here.

 

You sound like a rare, wonderful woman and deserve someone who is 100% in. Sometimes guys need a push - maybe the breakup will be the push he needs to get his chit together.

 

If not, I don't think you'll have a problem finding a guy who appreciates you.

[preraph]

I want to thank everyone for their replies. We just broke up, it may be for the better, but I certainly don't feel very good right now. again, thank you for your help. well wishes to you all.

 

I'm sorry. I know you're hurting. But it's best not to waste too much time when even the logistics don't work out with someone. There's too many other people to date to try to make one fit who doesn't.

[NTV]

A lot of times I've found that the best decisions I've made in my life have been the most painful. I think you did the right thing for yourself.

[Shannon.tay]

no, I didn't make my decision based solely from feedback here. for the most part, it mostly brought to light what I was trying to ignore.

[Shannon.tay]

I knew a lot of those things going in, I just thought with me, it'd be different and it would light a fire under his ass. but it is what it is, I just feel very broken right now

[NTV]

No feeling lasts forever. It's how they change that's important.