bubbaganoosh Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I don't think I can do it, I have to pull the plug. I really like her. I mean she's the first woman I've met a really long time I've actually really liked and clicked with from the minute we meet. I've little doubt the reason she's single is her boss. I'm sure other guys may have done the same I'm about to do. He'll always be there with her more hours of the day than I will. She's been with the same employer forever there no chance she's leaving and I won't be part of some weird love triangle or worse have her tell me one day she's leaving me for him. Comes down to this. If she would go away for the two weeks, then if the shoe was on the other foot, bet the house she wouldn't be any too happy either. If the girl wants to have a boyfriend then she has to take in consideration of his feelings. If not she's going to be single for many moons. No sense in beating your head against the wall. There are others with a bit more consideration.
Author longjohn Posted August 4, 2016 Author Posted August 4, 2016 I agree, it's pointless me going up against a guy she's known for sometime. Even if she hasn't got a sexual attraction to him he obviously has something for her otherwise he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. Plus the more I think about it the more I know people at their office have to know something is up with those two. It really isn't worth the stress on my end or the potential for heartbreak later down the road. Personally I don't ever date from work, ever. I've been asked out last week by an attractive lady from work but I declined. Apart from already seeing someone I'd still decline because I work with that person quite closely almost daily.
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 I can't see me tolerating some guy I was dating going off on holiday for two weeks with a female co worker. Especially if I had indicated I was free to go somewhere but he turned me down as being "too busy"or he couldn't go as he had other family commitments. Whatever the relationship here is, whether they are just friends or in a torrid affair, this is not going to go away and I guess will always impact on any relationship you have with her going forward. Relationships are hard enough anyway, without opposite sex friends taking priority.
salparadise Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 (edited) I agree, it's pointless me going up against a guy she's known for sometime. Even if she hasn't got a sexual attraction to him he obviously has something for her otherwise he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. ^^ Yes. There is a reason for the strong attachment and deep involvement,and it's not sympathy. She's getting her needs met by this guy in some way. I think he's playing the protecter/provider role, and she's in denial as to her true motivation. The part that stings a wee bit here is I asked if she'd come away with me later in the year for a week and she refused, flat out. I asked why and she said her mother isn't well and didn't want to leave her alone yet she was (still might) go away with her boss for two weeks! I caught this too but didn't comment on it in my earlier post. This points out incongruity and obfuscation of the true motivation. She can leave her mother for two weeks to go with him, but uses that as an excuse for why she can't go with you. Pfffft. Then she said that she would call in sick for the long weekend because otherwise she'd have to ask boss-friend for the time off. So what––why would she not want to ask him for the time off? Because she doesn't want him to know. She realizes that he'd be jealous. She knows it's competitive on both ends and is prioritizing him ahead of you. She's blowing smoke up your ass. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too, working the edges. So three things here: 1. She's disingenuous even if not conscious and deliberate. 2. She's the kind that inherently wants/needs a backup in the wings, and is either in denial as to how that necessarily limits depth and satisfaction a primary relationship or knows and prefers it anyway. 3. Boss-friend seems to be the higher priority. Even if you were to negotiate a scale-back on the other relationship, you know that she is predisposed to having multiple opposite sex relationships... a sort of innocent polyamory in her mind, and you're never going to be ok with that. You'd always be suspicious when you hear her phone chiming, and she'll always be reassuring you that it's perfectly innocent––oh, just a friend. Edited August 4, 2016 by salparadise
Toodaloo Posted August 4, 2016 Posted August 4, 2016 LJ Take the boss out of the equation here... You are way down on her list of priorities. She is making excuses to NOT spend time with you... Pull the plug. Good news is you found her so you can find another...
Author longjohn Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 I believe the boss thing is one of two things, she likes the company/attention and/or feels she should (oblige) be a "friend" to this guy. I don't know the sick mother thing I believe might be a get out of a situation without saying no type card she played. Taking a step back we did only meet each other so maybe I was too forward so I'll take that offer off the table until I think she might be ready. So I spoke with her today to basically say it's been great but I can't do this. Which I did and she apologised and said she wasn't going out with her boss as a "friend". Stated she fully understood and would be equally upset if I were going out with a female coworker. I asked if she was just saying that to keep me quite and she said no. She actually wants to explore this and didn't have any issues keeping work at work. So now I'm thinking of course being cautious.. she's either telling me what I want to hear and hiding it.. which is possible. There's also a chance she's being honest with me. Past history suggests the potential for lies however not everyone is the same. I'll admit I've been overly cautious in the past and times and terminated what might have been a perfectly decent relationship. My options now are to break it off or jump out of the plane and hope the chute opens.
basil67 Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 It sounds to me like she sees her "relationship" with you as being quite casual and non-exclusive. But you're seeing it differently. Have the two of you agreed to be exclusive?
Author longjohn Posted August 5, 2016 Author Posted August 5, 2016 It sounds to me like she sees her "relationship" with you as being quite casual and non-exclusive. But you're seeing it differently. Have the two of you agreed to be exclusive? We have agreed that already. I've not had any indications that she wants something casual and I've asked her directly to ensure both of us are on the same page. Casual and I'd invest little in this and enjoy it while it lasts.
joseb Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 (edited) Man i tell you I get a kick out of men that say to use a woman for sex but to view her as beneath you. This is what is wrong with dating today lack of empathy and entitled attitudes. OP, you should stop dating her but don't just use her for sex and try to hurt her either be a good person I hate the term "using". But if anyone is doing it here, she is using the op. I would never advise anyone to use someone who was committed to them. It's not a case of her being beneath him. She is clearly not that interested in him and dating others. He should do the same. It's not a gender thing. Or a way to "hurt her". Edited August 5, 2016 by joseb
Toodaloo Posted August 5, 2016 Posted August 5, 2016 LJ - I have to say it. I feel VERY uncomfortable about this woman. Something is NOT sitting right at all here. Please do not get involved. I know all seems great but I suspect you are about to get a great big wake up call soon and by then it will be too late, you will have rose tinted specs on and you will brush it under the carpet...
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